It Won't Come Easily
Chapter Four
The next day after the attack, Lucy stopped her wheelchair before she got to Carter's room. This was the first chance she had to come and see him and she was nervous about it. Everyone had assured her that he was going to be alright, but she had to make sure for herself.
Dr. Romano had told her that Carter ended up suffering from a bad renal laceration and a hematoma on the lumber plexus. That was going to be rough recovery, but at least she could be glad he was still alive and the knife hadn't left him paralyzed.
She had been lucky too, as Dr. Romano was quick to point out. The knife only got lodged in some muscle tissue. He operated on her leg and reduced the amount of muscle damage as much as he could. But she would still have weeks of physical therapy to do to get back to normal again.
She wondered if Carter would be mad at her when she went in. He would have a right to be angry. But she had to see him anyway. Realizing it was silly to just sit outside his room all day, she took a deep breath before rolling her wheelchair to the doorway and knocking. She saw Carter sitting in a wheelchair by the window. "Hey." She greeted in a voice that was as cheery as she could muster.
Carter looked over at her and smiled. "Lucy! Hey."
"Mind if I come in?" She asked.
"Please do!"
He didn't seem mad at her, which was refreshing. He actually looked happy to see her. She wasn't used to that but decided to roll with it.
"You look good." She said quietly, rolling her wheelchair over to him. She couldn't help but remember the last time she saw him, bleeding on the floor after being stabbed. While he still looked pale and she could tell he was in pain, he still looked much better.
"You do too." He said.
"How are you feeling?" She asked.
He stared at her.
"Yeah, that was a pretty stupid question." She laughed. "Sorry."
"It's ok. I've just heard that question too many times today." He smiled, looking at the bandage she had on her leg. "Peter told me about your leg but he didn't tell me what happened. How did your leg end up getting hurt?"
"It's a long story." She shook her head. She wasn't ready to talk about it yet, not even with Carter. It was hard enough to talk to the police about it when they stopped by. She didn't have it in her to go over the story again right now. "So we are both in the wheelchair club for now?" She said after a moment.
"Looks like it." He shrugged.
"You want to go out to the hallway and have a wheelchair race? Winner can take the other person's Jello from their dinner tray." She asked with a smirk.
He laughed, clearly causing himself pain.
"I'm sorry." She apologized, realizing that making him laugh was the wrong thing to do. "I should probably just go because I'm failing at this. I wanted to come by and…"
"Lucy…" He reached out and grabbed her arm. "Don't go. Please?"
"I just caused you pain." She pointed out.
"All you did was make me laugh." He pointed out. "It feels like almost the entire hospital staff has come in today to visit me but no one has been able to do that since…well you know. Therefore, you have to stay. Please? Although it does hurt to laugh, I need to."
She smiled at him. If he wanted her to stay, she would stay. "So is that a yes or a no to a wheelchair race?"
He chuckled. "It's a maybe."
"Why maybe?" She smirked. "You afraid you might lose to a girl?"
He laughed again. "I'm just protective of my Jello. I don't want to risk losing it."
She laughed. It was weird to be able to joke around with him, but it was also nice.
"How long are you in here for?" He asked.
"Just a day or two more." She answered. "Romano wants to monitor my leg and make sure it doesn't get infected. What about you?"
"I'll be here a couple more days at least, maybe even a week. It just depends."
"Do you have to do physical therapy four times a week too? Or am I the only one who gets that distinct privilege?" She asked.
"Sorry to tell you, but you aren't getting special treatment." He smirked. "I have to do PT four times a week too."
"Maybe we could schedule ours at the same time?" She suggested. "Unless you don't think you can stand to be around me that much."
He smirked. "I think I can handle it."
They sat there in silence for several minutes.
"Lucy…" Carter started.
"Yeah?"
"I'm sorry."
She looked over at him like he had grown a second head. "What in the world do you have to be sorry about?"
"A lot of things, but mainly I've been a horrible teacher to you." He explained.
"No…"
"Yeah." He interrupted. "I have. You know it as well as I do. And I need to say this so please don't interrupt me. I've been thinking about it a lot and I haven't been fair to you. You were right when you said I've been using you as a punching bag. In fact, everything you said yesterday was right…except for the part of me not liking you. If I was a better teacher to you, this wouldn't have happened…"
"We don't have to talk about this right now." Lucy said. She was certain if they talked about it she would end up crying. She came here to try and cheer him up, not cry on his shoulder. "Do we?"
"Yeah, I think we do." He nodded. "I'd like to at least."
"Well I don't want to talk about this!" Lucy exclaimed loudly. She immediately regretted her outburst when she saw his face. "Carter, I'm sorry. I just…can't talk about this right now. I should go now because you probably need to get some rest."
"Lucy…" He called after her as she started to wheel herself out of his room.
"Yeah?" She called, freezing in place but not looking back.
"Will you be back later?"
"Oh course." She answered before leaving. She felt bad for leaving his room the way she did, but she couldn't sit around and listen to him apologize for something that wasn't his fault. She knew that Sobriki wasn't right in the head. And while she couldn't have known that he would snap the way he did, she should have stood up more to Carter and demanded he do something.
Instead, she let herself be passive and it ended up getting him stabbed. Her recovery was going to be painful, muscle injuries always were. But his recovery would be worse and take longer. She had spent all night wondering what she could do to make up for it, what kind of penance she could practice to wipe the slate clean again. She finally decided she would do anything she could to make his recovery process go smoother.
If he let her.
"Lucy?" Peter called out.
Lucy snapped back to reality. "Sorry Dr. Benton."
"I've called your name several times." He said. "You ok today?"
"Of course I am." Lucy replied. "What's up?"
"Did the pre-op labs come back on Mr. Farley?"
"No." Lucy shook her head. "They said it would take another twenty minutes." She checked her watch. "I checked with them ten minutes ago."
Peter sighed. "Ok. Can you just go back there and check again? We really need to get him up to surgery."
"Sure." She nodded.
As she walked she thought about what Betty had said to her a couple of days ago. She did have a tendency to be too focused on Carter's recovery and his needs. Maybe she needed to take a look at herself and think about why that was and what she could do about it.
She felt a buzz from her coat and pulled out her phone. It was a text from Carter.
Do you want to grab lunch with me today? Or coffee?
It had been four days since she last saw him at her apartment. This was the second day he asked if they could meet. Yesterday he had called her. Now apparently he chose to text her. She stood in the middle of the hallway debating what to write back, or if she should write back at all. She supposed that she could meet him for coffee.
Maybe coffee later. I have surgery soon.
She continued on her way to check on the labs when her phone buzzed again.
Let me know when you are free and I can meet you at Doc Magoo's.
A part of her wondered if going to have coffee with him was a good idea or not. But she said she would be friends with him. Part of being friends was talking to each other. Besides, it was just coffee.
Ok.
She took a deep breath and put the phone back in her pocket.
When Carter woke up, he found Peter sitting in the chair next to his bed.
"Hey. Look who finally decided to open their eyes."
"What happened?" He asked.
"What's the last thing you remember?" Peter asked.
"Sobriki…" He trailed off. "He stabbed me."
"That's right." Peter nodded. "We had to take you to surgery to repair your kidney. You had two stab wounds to the left flank. First one was at the L-2, four centimeters off the midline. The second one was at the L-5 in the midscapular line. You were lucky Carter. It could have been a lot worse. You could have ended up paralyzed."
"Yeah." Carter grimaced from the pain. "I know. You did the surgery?"
"Of course I did. I wasn't going to trust it to anyone else." Peter smirked. "Dr. Anspaugh may have helped a little too though."
"Thank you."
"You're welcome, Carter." Peter smiled. "Now I wanna test your motor strength. Lift your leg."
"Do I have to?" Carter sighed.
"Yes." Peter chuckled.
Carter sighed again and started to lift his leg. "How is Lucy? Is she ok?" The last time he saw her, she was being held at knifepoint.
"Last I heard she was out of surgery and doing well." Peter answered. "She should make a full recovery too."
"Surgery?" He questioned, getting worried. "What kind of surgery? What happened to her? How serious was it?"
"Hold it…" Peter commanded. "Don't let me push your leg down."
"It hurts." Carter told him. "My back is killing me."
"Yeah. I know." Peter nodded. "You have a hematoma around the lumbar plexus. I'll make sure they give you some morphine for that. But I want you up and walking in twelve hours."
"Fine. Now what did Lucy have to have surgery for?" Carter asked, getting impatient that he wasn't getting the answers he wanted.
"Sobriki impaled her in the leg with the knife." Peter finally explained. "There was some muscle damage that Romano had to work on."
"Shit." He whispered.
"It could have been worse for her too though." Peter tried to be upbeat. "She should be fine."
"Yeah." He nodded. "I guess."
"I'll go get the order for morphine started for you." Peter said, leaving the room.
Carter was glad Lucy was alright. She could have died. They both could have. And it was all because they couldn't work together effectively. He was mean to her. He was too hard on her. He did a really bad job of protecting her. There were many things he could have and should have done differently. He wasn't a good teacher to her, which led to the attack happening. He also let his personal feelings dictate how he treated her.
Everything she said to him was true…except for the part about him not liking her. That couldn't be farther from the truth.
He liked her too much.
She was supposed to just be his student. Instead, she was the one he dreamed about at night.
After their dalliance in exam six, he resigned himself to the fact that she was his student and therefore nothing else could ever happen between them. It wasn't easy to continue to be her teacher after that. She was all he thought about and was somewhat relieved when she did her psych rotation because it meant he didn't have to see her quite as much. But it didn't stop him from thinking about her at least twenty times a day.
It was juvenile when he thought about it. He couldn't be with her, he couldn't touch her, and he couldn't tell her how he felt. So he resorted to acting like a little boy on a playground would…he treated her like crap in a veiled attempt to disguise his feelings for her.
Now he realized that was the worst thing he could have done. They could have been killed because of that.
A part of him just wanted to blurt out his feelings for her, but he was pretty sure that would cause her to stop visiting him. She might even slap him. So he would keep quiet.
She probably hated him now, but he would deserve that.
Carter realized he had zoned out and focused on his coffee cup. He had gotten one for Lucy too since she texted and said she was on her way. He had been talking to David a lot the past couple of days about what happened after the attack. And it seemed like David didn't mind that 98% of all their discussions ended up including the topic of Lucy. Reminiscing about the aftermath of the attack must have been what prompted him to get so lost in his thoughts.
It was helpful to have a sponsor. David was a good, decent guy who seemed to have a handle on his own addiction. Although he had gone back and forth in his mind about whether he truly needed a sponsor, he could tell now that having a sponsor was a good thing.
He looked up at the door at the right time, seeing Lucy enter. He waved her over to his booth in the back. "Hi."
"Hi." She greeted back, taking off her coat and sitting down.
"I hope you still take your coffee the same way as before." He said, motioning to the cup.
"I do, actually." Lucy nodded. "Thank you."
"You're welcome."
They were silent for a few minutes, with Lucy looking out the window. He was busy looking at her. She looked as nervous as he felt and he wished he could make her feel more comfortable around him. But maybe that would just take time.
He knew without a doubt that he would wait as long as necessary for her to realize that they could still be great together as more than friends.
"How is your day going?" He asked.
She looked over at him. "Fine I guess."
"How do you like your surgical residency?"
"I'm enjoying it." She smiled. "You know how Dr. Benton can be though."
Carter chuckled. "Yeah."
"But it's fine." Lucy shrugged. "I'm learning a lot."
"It seemed like when I saw you and Peter together, you were getting along pretty well." Carter noted.
"Yeah." Lucy nodded. "I guess we do get along pretty well."
"That's good."
"So you are coming back in just a couple of days." She paused. "Are you ready?"
He let out a deep breath. "Sometimes I feel like I am and then other times I'm really nervous."
"I think you'll be fine." She smiled. "Just try to keep in mind that things aren't going to be the same for you as they were before you left."
"That's the truth." He chuckled. "They have me restricted to not doing traumas and only doing light work. I have a feeling that means there are a lot of colds, stomach aches, sutures and muscle sprains in my future."
"Possibly." Lucy agreed. "But it's like Dr. Romano says to me, you gotta learn to crawl before you can walk. Coming back to work on restricted duty means you can ease back into things."
"You're right." He agreed. "But don't ever let Dr. Romano hear that you are quoting him. It will only make his ego inflate more."
Lucy laughed. "You're right about that one."
He missed that laugh. He also missed that smile. Maybe being friends wouldn't be as hard as he thought.
"So how are you really doing?" She asked after a few moments.
"Well, I've been going to a lot of NA meetings." He explained. "They have helped. But I think the thing that has made the most difference is I found a sponsor."
"Oh? That's wonderful." She smiled. "I'm glad."
"He's actually a pretty cool guy." He chuckled. "And he doesn't seem to mind me rambling."
"He'd be a bad sponsor if he did mind." She pointed out.
"True." He smiled. "So have you had any interesting surgeries lately?"
"Well actually…"