It Won't Come Easily

Chapter Six

The next couple of weeks went fairly well for Carter. Weaver had started to let him run traumas, as long as he only had three patients at a time. But it was a start. He was still going to NA meetings every day and was getting closer to his sponsor. David was a good guy, and had been helping in several ways.

Then there was Lucy. They had unofficially made it a habit to go out to lunch or dinner once a week. They would also stop and chat if they had time when she came down to the ER for a consult. He loved those times with her. Though he wasn't sure he was making any progress getting her to consider becoming romantically involved with him again, he was enjoying the fact that they were feeling more comfortable around each other.

He was hoping that since they felt more comfortable around each other, they would be able to spend tomorrow together like they had agreed upon several months ago.

It was a rainy day. Lucy had the day off and had come over to spend the day with him. He still had about a week before he was going to be cleared to come back to work. Lucy had already gotten back into the swing of things and had started her surgical rotation. He was glad for her, but also a little jealous. At least he had gotten rid of the wheelchair and was using crutches though.

He was still in a lot of pain, and the pain pills didn't seem to help as much as he thought they should. But he kept plowing through the pain, hoping it would get better. Lucy's visits always helped. If she didn't have to work she spent almost the whole day with him. If she did have to work, she would usually come by before or after her shift and spend a couple of hours with him.

He felt bad that she was spending so much time with him while working so many hours, but she seemed to be ok with it and he couldn't bring himself to tell her to stop. Besides, they had fun together and he loved being able to see her.

Today they were watching TV while on the couch.

"What do you want to watch?" She asked, flipping through the channels.

"Doesn't really matter much to me." He told her as he looked over. "Hey, Do you ever think about what will happen next Valentine's Day?"

He watched as she seemed to freeze. Then she turned off the TV and placed the remote on the coffee table.

"Why would you think about that?" She asked quiety.

"I don't know." He shrugged. "But Valentine's Day is going to happen whether we like it or not."

"Yeah, but not for several months!" She chuckled. "That's a problem for future Lucy and future Carter."

He laughed. "How about I solve future Lucy and future Carter's problem right now?"

"How so?" She asked.

"You promise that next Valentine's Day we spend pretty much the whole day together doing exactly what we are doing now…just hanging out together. We can order food in and watch crappy movies or TV." He suggested.

He could see she was thinking about it.

"What if you have a girlfriend next year?" She asked in a soft voice. "She wouldn't like you spending Valentine's Day with another woman."

He wanted to tell her that the only girlfriend he wanted was her. But he was worried that would scare her off. So he chose a different approach. "You may have a boyfriend then. But anyone either of us dates would have to realize that you and I are connected for life. Sorry. But you're never getting rid of me."

"That's ok." She smiled. "I don't really want to get rid of you."

"Well good." He winked at her. "So, next Valentine's Day. What do you say?"

"I say yes."

He realized things were different now. A lot of things had changed. But maybe he could still get her to spend the day with him.

"Hey." He greeted as he approached Lucy at the surgical nurses' station.

"Hey." She greeted back, looking up from her chart. "What are you doing up here?"

"My shift starts in a few minutes and I came up to see if I could talk to you."

"What's up?" She asked, looking concerned. "Is something wrong?"

"No. Nothing's wrong." He assured her. "I just…well the thing is…tomorrow is…you know."

"Yeah." She sighed. "I know."

"What are your plans?"

"My only plans are to be as far away from this hospital as possible and hope that everyone leaves me alone."

"That sounds like a pretty good plan." Carter laughed.

"What are your plans?"

"Well I have the day off too. So I was probably going to go to a meeting. I don't really have any other plans." He paused for a moment. "Are you really convinced that you want to be alone tomorrow?"

She shrugged. "I don't know. Why?"

"Well maybe if you're going to be alone and I'm going to be alone, we could be alone together? Wasn't that the plan we made months ago?"

"Yeah." She nodded. "But that was a long time ago and a lot has changed since then. I wasn't sure if we were still doing that."

"I know a lot has changed since then." He acknowledged. "But I still think we should be together tomorrow."

"Are you sure that's such a good idea?" She scoffed.

"Why not?"

"With our history, do you really think it is a good idea for us to spend Valentine's Day together?" She laughed. "It's billed as the most romantic day of the year."

"I think with our history, we shouldn't be alone." He replied. "And we definitely shouldn't be alone on the first anniversary of what happened."

"I don't know, Carter…"

"What are you afraid of? Afraid I'll pull out some of my patented John Carter moves and you will be utterly hopeless to resist me?"

She burst out laughing. "Patented John Carter moves? Well I might be afraid of those if you actually had any. But you don't so I think I'm safe."

"What are you talking about?" He was confused. "Of course I have moves."

She smiled. "I hate to tell you this but you really don't."

"Yeah I do. I have moves." He was surprised she didn't understand that.

"No you don't." She shook her head.

"Then how do you explain the fact that I've used my moves on you before?" He wanted to see how she answered this question because he knew he had used moves on her them.

"What?" She rolled her eyes. "When?"

"That night…" He said, trying to jog her memory. "You know, the night we kissed?"

"Are you sure that it is a good idea to have dinner out here?" Lucy asked as they started to eat the pasta she made them. "It looks like it is going to pour rain down any minute."

"It will be fine." Carter replied, getting a piece of garlic bread. He had insisted they eat on his balcony. "I know it looks like it will rain but I checked the forecast this afternoon and they said it would miss us. It should be going north of us."

"Ok then." She shrugged. She then raised her glass up. "I would like to propose a toast."

"Oh really?" He chuckled as he raised his glass of water up. "Why? What's the occasion?"

"Well, we've made it." She smiled. "I'm back at work and you just successfully completed your first week back. We're both back. We may not be 100% yet, but I think that we need to be proud of what we've done and celebrate it. I'm proud of you, Carter. I've been at your PT sessions…I know this recovery hasn't been easy for you at all…but you've still powered through it and you're getting better every day."

"So, here is my toast." She took a deep breath. "Here's to the greatest, strongest, most hard-working man I know. You inspire me on a daily basis with how you've handled this setback in your life and I don't know what I'd do without you."

"Luce…that means a lot to me." He told her, putting his hand on hers. "But you also forgot to mention that I'm the most charming and devilishly handsome man you know."

"Oh my God!" She laughed and playfully smacked his hand. "I was trying to be serious for a moment."

"I'm being serious too!" He laughed.

"Fine." She smiled. "You are also the most charming and devilishly handsome man I know…as well as the most humble. How was that?"

"Perfect." He smiled. "Now it's time for my toast."

"No." She shook her head. "You really don't have to."

"I want to." He assured her. "Here's to you, Luce. Having you around these last two months or so has been the single greatest blessing I could have hoped for. You've been amazing and I know you think I've inspired you, but the truth is the opposite. I'm in awe of you, Luce. I really am. Every single day I thank God or whatever higher power there is that you are in my life."

He would have gone on more but he saw that she was starting to get teary eyed and didn't want to make her cry.

"Cheers." She said.

He smiled as they clinked their glasses together.

As soon as the glasses clinked, the sky seemed to open up and rain started pouring on them since Carter's balcony wasn't covered by an awning.

"Ah!" Lucy squealed, standing up quickly. She saw he was fumbling around, trying to get his crutches so she walked to his chair. "Here. Just grab on to me. We'll come back out later when the rain has stopped for your crutches. But we should get inside as soon as possible."

"It's just a little rain." He laughed, taking her hand in order to stand up.

"Carter, it's pouring out here." She laughed. "I'm already soaked and so are you. We should get inside."

"So if we are already soaked, then there's no rush in getting inside." He pointed out. Now that he was standing up, they were only inches away from each other. He looked into her eyes. "Luce?"

"Yeah?" She asked, looking into his eyes.

Without overthinking it, he placed his hands on the sides of her face and softly started kissing her. He was afraid she would pull away, slap him and walk out of his life. To his surprise and delight, she pushed herself up against him and wrapped her arms around his neck.

They stood there, making out and getting drenched by the downpour until they both needed to breathe. He pressed his forehead up against hers as he caught his breath. "I know you worked hard on making dinner. I'm sorry it's ruined."

She laughed. "I honestly couldn't care less about that right now."

"Do you want to go inside and get out of these wet clothes?"

"Oh hell yeah." She smirked.

"I guess we will just have to agree to disagree about my moves." Carter sighed. "But if you truly believe that I have no moves, then you shouldn't have any reason not to spend Valentine's Day with me…unless you just hate me and can't stand to be around me."

"I don't hate you." She insisted.

"Then we can hang out tomorrow?" He asked.

"You're very persistent."

"Yeah, I know." He smirked. "It's one of my moves."

She laughed and rolled her eyes. "Ok. We can hang out tomorrow."

"Wonderful!" He smiled.

Lucy took a deep breath while she stood on Carter's doorstep the next day. She had spent the night worrying about it she was doing the right thing by coming today. She knew it was going to be a rough day and she was right. Her thoughts kept going back to the attack and it brought up feelings she didn't want to think about. So halfway through the night she gave up on sleeping and focused on baking instead.

It wasn't until she stopped that she realized she had made all of Carter's favorites. She didn't even realize that was what she was doing. She had just gone into her kitchen and started baking. She couldn't decide if it was pathetic or comical.

Either way, she was on his doorstep with her arms full of baked goods. It took her a moment to rearrange everything so she could knock.

Carter opened the door with a look of pure surprise. He laughed. "Lucy, what did you do?"

"I hope you're hungry for sweets." She laughed, grateful that he took the containers from her. "I couldn't sleep so I ended up baking."

He took the containers to his table and sat them down. Then he started going through them. "You made all of my favorites."

"Yeah." She nodded.

"Thank you."

"No problem."

"I couldn't sleep last night either, but I just watched infomercials." He laughed. "I didn't do anything productive like you."

"So did you go to your meeting already?"

"Yeah." He nodded. "I went to an early one and then my sponsor and I had breakfast."

"Good." She nodded.

"Do you mind if I have a cookie?" He asked.

"Go ahead." She consented.

"Do you want one?"

"Not right now." She shook her head. It was around noon and she had eaten a late breakfast. "So what do you want to do?"

"Let's just watch some TV." He suggested.

Later that day they were sitting up against the couch and eating Chinese food. "Do you mind if we talk about something kind of important?" He asked.

"Sure." She replied, picking up another egg roll. "What's on your mind?"

"Well I've been working the twelve steps and trying to stick to the program. I've talked to my sponsor about this a lot." He started. "But there are some things that happened I never told you about and I feel like I need to say them because I don't want there to be any secrets between us. Do you mind?"

"Ok. Go ahead."

He could tell she looked as nervous as he felt. But he had to tell her this as part of making amends. He wasn't sure how to start so he just took a deep breath and jumped in. "When you saw me take fentanyl in the trauma room, that wasn't my first time stealing medicine."

Her eyes went wide. "You stole more from the hospital?"

"Yeah." He nodded.

"How many times?" She asked after pausing.

"At least a dozen times." He sighed. "It was morphine, fentanyl, and basically anything I could get my hands on when I needed a fix."

"Wow." She finally said after being silent for a long time.

"There's more though." He didn't want to tell her this next part but he had to. He didn't want there to be any secrets between them.

"More?" She scoffed. "More than you using the ER as your own personal drugstore?" She then covered her face with her hands. "I'm so sorry, Carter. That was harsh and uncalled for."

"No, it really wasn't once you hear what I'm about to say." He took a deep breath. "I was also stealing your pain medication."

She immediately removed her hands from her face and stared at him. "WHAT?"

He felt the need to explain more.

"I found your vicodin bottle by accident once when I stayed over at your apartment. I knew you were already off of them but you had almost a full bottle leftover. When you were in the other room I took one. Then every time we were at your place I would take one until the bottle was empty. Since you weren't using them, I didn't think it mattered. But it was wrong. I'm ashamed of my behavior and I'm sorry."

He noticed she wasn't looking at him. She was staring at her plate. After several minutes went by without her saying anything, he started to get worried. "Lucy? Are you going to say anything?"

"I don't…" She paused. "I don't know what to say to you right now."

"That's understandable." He nodded. "I shouldn't have stolen pills from you or drugs from the hospital. I know that…I knew that then too, but I couldn't stop myself. It was a compulsion that I couldn't stop because I wasn't strong enough. All I wanted at that point was to get high."

"I must be the biggest idiot in the history of the entire world." She scoffed.

"No." He argued. "I think that title belongs to me."

"How long were you stealing drugs from me?"

He was ashamed to answer the question but did it anyway. "A few weeks."

She was quiet again for a moment. Then she started to laugh. It was almost a maniacal laugh, one that a cartoon villain would use when they were being carted away to a mental institution. "So for a few weeks you were taking medication from me to support your addiction and then you were stealing drugs from the ER and I was completely oblivious to something going on right in front of my eyes. That's what you are essentially telling me right now."

"Well it's a little more complicated than that…"

"No Carter. That is the simple version." She interrupted. "God, I almost wish you hadn't told me. I mean, I get why you felt you had to tell me though and I appreciate your honesty." She sniffled. "I'm sure it wasn't easy to say it. But you know, it was one thing to think that was your first time stealing drugs from the hospital…that maybe you hadn't gone too far down the rabbit hole of addiction…that maybe things weren't as bad as they could have been. But now…now I know just how badly I failed you and I don't know what to do with that knowledge."

"Hey." He objected, hating to see her cry. "Hey, this wasn't your fault. I made these choices. It's my fault." Without hesitation, he wrapped his arms around her, letting her head rest on his shoulder as she cried.

"Lucy, you didn't fail me."

"But I did!" She sobbed. "I should have seen the signs. I should have paid more attention to your nightmares and your mood swings. I just thought that your moods were because you were having second thoughts about our relationship. I didn't think for a second that you were doing drugs."

It broke his heart to see her crying and blaming herself for his addiction. It truly wasn't her fault but he didn't know how to convince her of that.

She pulled away from his embrace and stood up. "After the attack I promised myself that I wouldn't let anything else happen to you. And now I know that I was indirectly helping you score drugs to advance your addiction."

"Luce…"

"Can you please just get me some more water?"

He thought it was an odd request to make right now, but nodded anyway. He went over and picked up her glass, taking it into the kitchen with him. When he came back out, she was gone…along with her purse and coat.

"Dammit." He sighed, pulling out his cell phone. Just as he was about to push to dial her number, he got a text from her.

I'm sorry I had to leave. I just need some time alone.

He sighed and pushed to call her anyway but it went straight to voicemail. She had turned off her phone. This was not how he wanted today to go.