It Won't Come Easily

Chapter Eight

"Thanks for letting me come by early today. I have a shift in about an hour." Lucy smiled as she entered Betty's house.

"It's no problem." Betty replied, leading Lucy to the living room. "David is off at his meeting so we have the house to ourselves. I made some tea."

"Thanks." Lucy replied, taking off her coat and sitting on the couch.

"So…I assume this is about you spending the day with Carter?"

"Yeah." Lucy nodded. "He told me he had stolen more medicine from the hospital before I caught him and he had also stolen medicine from me when we were going out."

"Wow."

"I can't believe I didn't see it when it happened right under my nose." Lucy groaned. "How was I that blind?"

"You didn't think he was capable of it." Betty told her. "It's understandable. I didn't see David's addiction until almost a year after it started."

"Really?"

"Oh yeah." Betty nodded. "I didn't tell you this story?"

"No." Lucy shook her head.

"Well you know he got addicted to pain meds after the car accident. I didn't think for a second he would ever get addicted to the pain pills and I thought he took them for a month before he stopped because that's what he told me. But one day I had to drive his car and I went looking for a pen in the glove compartment. I found about a dozen different bottles with several different pills in them."

"Oh no."

"So I took them all inside and confronted him about it that night. He got very angry and started yelling. He then punched his hand through a window. While I was removing the glass from his knuckles he finally broke down and admitted he had a problem. I got him into rehab the very next day."

Betty sighed. "I guess the point I'm trying to make is there are always signs that something is wrong. Looking back I can clearly see the signs that he was in trouble. But it's not always clear when you are in that moment. Sometimes things don't make sense until after you have all of the pieces of the puzzle."

"Did you ever blame yourself for not seeing it sooner?" Lucy asked. "Because I can't help but blame myself."

"I blamed myself for about a year after he went to rehab. But the truth is that you can't change the past and you aren't responsible for what someone else does or doesn't do. It's a hard truth to reconcile, but you'll be happier if you do." Betty explained.

"Thanks." Lucy gave her a small smile.

"Did something else happen? You seem a little off today."

Lucy shouldn't have been surprised that Betty was so intuitive. "I kind of admitted to him that I still care about him after we made out."

She was waiting for Betty to admonish her for making out with Carter. But the woman just stayed quiet and drank her tea. "Did you hear what I said?"

"Yes." Betty nodded. "I heard you."

"And you don't see anything wrong with it?"

"You seem to." Betty pointed out.

"You know I don't think it's a good idea for Carter and I to start anything until after the one year mark."

"I know."

"Do you think that is wrong of me?" Lucy asked.

"I don't know." Betty replied honestly. "I understand the reasoning behind it. I really do, and I think in theory it is a good guideline to follow for recovering addicts. But I know you Lucy. You may not want to admit it to anyone…even me…but you are head over heels in love with that man. If you can wait the whole year, congratulations. But if you can't, just be careful."

Betty was right. She was head over heels in love with Carter, but she didn't want to admit it to anyone.

"So how did Valentine's Day go?" David asked as they sat down for coffee.

Although they had seen each other at the NA meeting yesterday, Carter had to rush to work and didn't have time to explain what happened. He laughed. "It was horrible and wonderful at the same time."

"Did you tell Lucy about…"

"Yeah." Carter interrupted.

"How did she respond?"

"She blamed herself." Carter sighed. "I didn't know that she was harboring so much guilt about her role in my addiction. I mean, she shouldn't be feeling guilty. But she does."

He paused for a moment and smiled. "She also told me that she still cares about me. She worries about me all the time. Did Betty ever say anything like that to you?"

"Hell yeah." David chuckled. "Betty still worries about me, though I think she worries less every day I stay sober. But I don't think that ever truly goes away."

"Let me ask you something else. Do you think that it is necessary to wait the whole year after starting recovery to be in a relationship?"

"I think it depends." David replied. "But usually, yes. Why? You want to start something up with Lucy?"

"I want to continue our relationship." Carter corrected him.

"Didn't you break up with her before you went to rehab?"

"I was upset and I said things I didn't mean." Carter sighed. "I didn't mean to break up with her."

"But you did break up with her." David pointed out. "So a relationship with her would be a new one."

"It's a technicality. When you got out of rehab, did you and your wife wait a year before being in a relationship?" Carter asked, trying to prove a point.

David laughed. "No. But that was different. We were married. There was no escaping each other."

"I don't see a difference."

"Well there is a big difference." David sighed. "Besides, it wasn't easy to be recovering and trying to mend my relationship with Betty. There were many times I thought that I was going to slide back into my old habits."

"But you didn't."

"No." David shook his head. "Thankfully I didn't."

"Lucy said she wants to wait until I've been sober for a year before we can even think of getting back together."

"That's probably a good idea." David stated.

"It's a horrible idea!" Carter argued. "I know I could be in a relationship with her now and still maintain my sobriety."

"Ok." David sighed again. "Tell me why you feel that way."

"I miss her." Carter admitted. "I miss everything we used to have together. I miss spending time with her and going to sleep with her in bed next to me. I miss seeing her toothbrush on the counter next to mine. I miss being able to kiss her anytime I want."

"You have her friendship back and that seems to be going well." David pointed out. "Why can't that be enough for now?"

Carter sighed. "Every part of my life now is different…work…my free time…my friends…Lucy…nothing is the same anymore. There are all of these new rules and restrictions. I mean, I get it. I messed up royally by allowing myself to get addicted to pain medicine. I did that and I have to live with that craving for the rest of my life."

"But I've done everything that has been asked of me. I've gone to rehab…I've done the program…I've signed the contract in order to come back to work…I've agreed to every stupid restriction and rule they have placed on me…I've peed in a cup for random drug testings whenever they ask. But it still doesn't feel like it's enough. When is it ever enough? When do things turn around? When can I easily get what I want? When do things stop being hard and become easy again?"

"Getting what you want easily is what got you in this mess to begin with." David pointed out. "There is no easy button anymore."

"Screw you!" Carter yelled, not caring that the other people in the diner were looking at him now. "Why aren't you on my side here?"

"Believe it or not, I am on your side." David laughed. "But I've got some bad news for you, Carter. Things are never going to be easy again. Actually, when things become easy for you is when you need to haul your ass back to a meeting ASAP."

"So my life is just going to be an endless cycle of beating my head up against a wall?" Carter asked. "That's great. You know, you're really killing it at this whole sponsor thing. Maybe you should write a book."

David laughed again. "Look, I'm just telling you the truth. There isn't an hour that goes by where I don't think about taking something at least once. It never gets easier. And I understand your frustration. You want to speed into the future where everything is back to normal and you can pretend that this never happened. News flash though…it did happen and it's not going to go back to normal."

"You're going to find a new normal though. I don't know what that will look like for you yet, but it will happen. You just have to be patient."

"I've been patient!" Carter argued.

"It's been five months." David pointed out. "And three of those months you were away in rehab. So you've only been back for two months."

"Thanks for the math lesson."

"You can be a smart ass to me all you want." David said with a smile. "But deep down you know I'm right."

"I've done everything they want from me at work but it doesn't seem to be getting any easier. I just still see it in everyone's faces that they wonder if certain things are going to trigger me to relapse. They don't trust me as much as they used to." Carter sighed.

"Trust is something that takes a short amount of time to break and a much longer time to repair."

"Did you read that on a fortune cookie?" Carter chuckled.

"No." David shook his head. "It's a David original. In many ways, you should be glad you were able to come back to work at all. Stealing medicine from the hospital could have landed you in jail and they could have petitioned to take away your medical license."

"I know." Carter agreed. "But…"

"You're impatient." David said. "I get it. But focusing on what you don't have isn't going to help you. Instead, I want you to list four positive things you have in your life right now."

"Really?" Carter scoffed.

"Really." David replied. "Go."

"Ok." Carter didn't have to think about it long to come up with three things. "My sobriety, Lucy, you and my job."

"See? Not so hard, was it?"

"But with half of those, I'm not in the place I want to be. I want to be back to where I was with Lucy and my job."

"And that's the goal to work towards." David replied. "Where did you leave things with Lucy the other day?"

"We're still going to be friends I guess…" Carter sighed. "But she isn't returning my calls or texts."

"Give her some time." David advised. "You said you didn't realize how much guilt she has about your addiction. Have you thought at all about how hard things were for her when you were gone?"

"No." He shook his head.

"I like you, Carter. I think you are good guy, and I think you have the potential to stay sober for a very long time as long as you stick to the program and remain patient. But you can't make Lucy be the thing that holds you together and that's what it feels like you are trying to do here."

"It's not." He objected.

"I guess time will be the judge of that." David said.

Lucy watched as Elizabeth wrote in her chart. The other woman was holding her hand over her mouth and Lucy knew that look. "Are you ok Dr. Corday? You don't look so good today."

"I'm fine Lucy. Really…I just..." She sighed. "Oh what the hell. Can you keep a secret?"

"Of course." Lucy replied.

"Ok. I've told Mark this, but I haven't told Romano or anyone else for that matter." She leaned in closer. "I'm pregnant."

"Wow." Lucy said, forcing a smile on her face. "Congratulations."

"Thank you." Elizabeth replied. "It's come as a bit of a shock though I'm afraid."

"That's understandable." Lucy nodded.

"And unfortunately I seem to be suffering from some morning sickness."

"Oh. Saltine crackers and peppermints work really well for that." Lucy volunteered without hesitation. She then noticed Elizabeth looking at her questioningly. "I've heard that from friends of mine."

"Alright." Elizabeth nodded. "I may have to try that. Thank you."

"You're welcome." Lucy smiled. "And don't worry. You're secret is safe with me."

She watched as Elizabeth took off and sighed. She was of course happy for Elizabeth and Mark. But she also was reminded of the past.

"Do you have it?" Lucy asked Betty as the woman came in her door.

"Yes, of course I do." Betty laughed. "You know, the sales clerk looked at me like I had grown a second head. Apparently he hasn't seen many women my age buying pregnancy tests."

"I imagine not." Lucy laughed.

"Is there a specific reason why you sent me to do this instead of just getting a blood test done at the hospital? It would have been easier and the blood test would have been more accurate." Betty asked.

"But then it would leak to everyone I work with." Lucy pointed out. "Look, they were already witness to Carter freaking out and breaking up with me. I already seem like the pathetic girl who couldn't hang on to him. I don't want people to start speculating about whether or not I am pregnant with his child."

"If you are pregnant, they will eventually find out though." Betty pointed out.

"Yeah. But if I'm not then they don't have to know it was even a possibility."

"Ok." Betty handed the bag to her. "Here you go. One pregnancy test."

"Thank you." Lucy smiled before walking to the bathroom. "I do appreciate it!"

"You're welcome!"

Lucy went into the bathroom, opening the package and reading the directions. She promptly peed on the stick and took it out to the living room to wait the two minutes with Betty.

"What are you going to do if it is positive?" Betty asked. "Are you going to have the baby?"

Lucy stayed quiet for a moment. "I don't know."

They were quiet the rest of the time. Lucy took a deep breath and then looked at the test strip.

"Shit."

Betty looked over and smiled. "Congratulations." Lucy didn't say anything so Betty spoke again. "What are you thinking?"

Lucy couldn't say anything. She instead started to cry.

Betty immediately hugged her. "It's ok. Everything will be alright."

"How?" Lucy cried. "I'm pregnant and the father is currently away in rehab. I can't even tell him about this baby. Oh, and then there is the fact that he broke up with very publically before he went to rehab and probably hates me because I'm the one who ratted him out to his bosses, which caused him to have to go to rehab in the first place. That's not to mention that this isn't exactly the best timing for my career either."

"There is no perfect time." Betty interjected.

"I know." Lucy said, pulling away from the hug and standing up. She started to pace. "I just…shit. I thought we were practicing safe sex. I guess I was wrong."

"What are you going to do?"

"I'm keeping the bay. I can't get rid of a baby that is half me and half Carter. But I don't know how it's all going to work. God, how am I going to tell Carter about this? What am I going to do about work? And money? And who will watch the baby while I work? This is too much…"

"Slow down." Betty advises. "You have time. You don't have to figure out everything right now. And I can help you get through this."

"Thank you. Something tells me that this isn't going to be the last time I freak out about this."

"No." Betty laughed. "I don't suppose it will be."

"How are you doing today, Carter?"

Carter looked up and saw Mark walking towards him. "I'm just fine but I'm actually getting ready to head out for the day."

"Want to make a stop in the restroom first?" Mark asked, holding up a specimen cup.

Carter sighed. "Another random test?"

"Yeah." Mark nodded. "You know the drill."

"Yeah." Carter replied. "Let's go."

It was slightly awkward on the walk to the restroom.

"Carter, we're friends…right?" Mark asked as they entered the restroom.

"You've witnessed some of my more private moments lately." Carter laughed. "I would say that alone would have made us friends by now. But of course we are. At least I'd like to think we are."

"Can I tell you something in confidence and get your advice?"

"Of course." Carter nodded.

"Well…the thing is…Elizabeth is pregnant."

"Oh wow!" Carter smiled. "Congratulations! I didn't even know you two were trying."

"We weren't." Mark shook his head. "It came completely out of the blue. Don't get me wrong. I'm thrilled at the prospect of having a baby with her. I just always thought that if we had a child we would be married first."

"So what's the problem?"

"Do you think it would be ok if I asked her to marry me? Or do you think she would think I was only asking because she is pregnant?"

"I think you are overthinking this." Carter explained. "You love her. She obviously loves you. You're going to have a baby together. If you want to propose, you should just go for it. Hell, you could even get married the same day at City Hall if you wanted to. Life is short and if you have found the person you want to spend your life with, you should do whatever you can to make that happen."

"Thanks Carter." Mark smiled. "That helps."

"Glad to be of service." Carter replied, taking the specimen cup.

The next day, Lucy approached the front desk. "Hey Jerry, I was paged down here for a consult. Do you know what patient it is for?"

"No." Jerry shook his head. "I didn't know anyone needed a consult."

"Oh good!" Elizabeth said, coming out of the lounge and seeing Lucy. "You're here."

"What's up?"

"In here please." Elizabeth asked, pointing to the lounge.

Lucy slowly followed Elizabeth into the lounge, wondering what was going on. She saw that Mark and Carter were already in the lounge sitting down. "What's this about?" It was weird to have this group of people together and she was getting a little nervous.

"Well Mark and I have something to ask you both. We are getting married. And since you two are the only ones who know about the baby, we were wondering if you would be our witnesses tomorrow for our wedding at City Hall." Elizabeth explained.

"It would mean a lot to us." Mark interjected.

"Oh." Lucy was relieved that this was the reason she was paged. "Well sure. I'd love to, and I'm off tomorrow so it would be fun."

"Yeah." Carter nodded. "I'm off too. Count me in."

"Excellent." Elizabeth smiled. "We'll text you exact times and info later. Thank you guys." She motioned for Mark to follow her out of the lounge.

Lucy smiled at Carter after Mark and Elizabeth left. The she turned to leave.

"You've been dodging me." He stated quietly.

She turned back around to face him. "I haven't. I have just been really busy…ok no. That's a lie. I have been ignoring you and that isn't nice. I just don't know what to say."

"You could say John, I can't live without you anymore. Let's throw out that arbitrary rule and go for it together."

She chuckled. "Nice try."

"I had to. You miss 100% of the shots you don't take." He smirked. "How are you doing?"

"I'm alright." She replied. "And you?"

"Same. It's wonderful news for those two, isn't it?"

"Yeah." Lucy nodded. "I just hope it all works out for them."

"They seem to love each other. I don't see why it wouldn't." Carter said.

"Sometimes love isn't enough though." She pointed out. "Sometimes things happen that no one can control and it rips you apart into tiny pieces."

"Are you sure you're alright?"

"Yeah." She lied. "I'm fine."

"Lucy, what's going on with you?"

She wanted to tell him everything that was going through her head, but she couldn't find the words. Ever since Elizabeth told her about being pregnant, she was bombarded by her emotions from the past. Maybe the wounds were too fresh for her to be completely happy for Elizabeth and Mark because a part of her was jealous.

But she couldn't tell Carter about any of this because she didn't know how he would react to it.

"Nothing's going on." She lied again. "I should get back upstairs. I guess I'll see you tomorrow."

She left the lounge before he could ask her anything else.