It Won't Come Easily

Chapter Eleven

Lucy rolled over in bed, staring at the clock. 3am. She had been trying to get to sleep for five hours now, but nothing seemed to help. Releasing a heavy sigh, she got up from bed and headed into the bathroom. She splashed some cold water on her face and then used the nearby towel to dry it off.

It had been a week since her last conversation with Carter. Looking back on it, she should have followed him that night instead of letting him go. Maybe then everything would have ended differently. Or maybe this was just how it was supposed to end.

The next day she tried everything she could think of to find him. She called and texted him, she went to his apartment and his grandparents' house, she went to the hospital and called David to find out if he had talked to Carter. As a last ditch effort to find him, she found out which meetings Carter usually went to and stalked those. But she couldn't find him anywhere.

By the end of the day she was frantic and starting to think the worst had happened…that maybe he had found somewhere to score some pain medicine and was out getting high. She didn't want to think that, but the lost look on his face scared her.

It wasn't until she got the call from David that she felt she could breathe a little easier, though it was a short-lived relief.

When Lucy got the call from David that he had talked to Carter and he was fine, she was beyond relieved. David told her that Carter had stopped by and gave him something that he wanted Lucy to have so she was now standing on their doorstep.

"Hi Lucy." David greeted as he opened the door. "Come on in."

She followed him into the living room. "So Carter is really ok?"

"Yeah." David nodded. "He left about an hour ago."

"Did he say where he was? Because I looked everywhere for him."

"He left you a letter." David picked up an envelope from the table and handed it to her. "He said it would explain everything."

"Did he say where he was going when he left?" Lucy asked. "I want to talk to him, not read a letter."

"You might want to read this letter." David replied.

"Why?" Something about the way David was pushing the letter on her made her not want to open it.

"Just read it and everything should make more sense." David sighed. "I'll give you some privacy."

She watched as he left the living room. She stood there with the envelope in her hands for several minutes, staring at her name written in his sloppy handwriting. It seemed she wouldn't be able to get any answers unless she read it though, so she slowly opened the envelope and pulled out the letter.

Lucy,

I'm getting tired of saying I'm sorry. I feel like I've been saying it way too much the past few months to too many people. But I am sorry. I'm sorry I've disappointed you by forming an addiction. I'm sorry I've made you angry by stealing your medication and medication from the hospital. I'm sorry I've worried you by making you question if I can stay sober in my recovery. I'm sorry I've made you doubt me and my feelings, because I've never once doubted my feelings for you. I'm sorry I have been so wrapped up in my own drama that I didn't take the time to even ask what was going on in your life. I'm sorry you had to deal with the pregnancy and miscarriage by yourself because I'm sure that had to be incredibly difficult. I'm sorry I wasn't around to help you deal with that. I'm sorry we couldn't make things work between us. I'm just sorry about everything.

Maybe you and David are right. Maybe I have been relying on you to save me too much. Maybe I have been selfish. Maybe I have in the back of my mind thought that you could somehow save me.

But I have to stand on my own two feet now. I need to cut ties with everything and everyone in my life right now.

By the time you read this letter, I'll be gone. I've joined Doctors Without Borders and am heading to Africa. I had a patient last week who came in and was talking about their experience over there. They really need doctors over there and it seems like a worthwhile endeavor. There are a lot of people there that I could help and perhaps being halfway across the world would give me some perspective. I know it's not Rio, but it's gotta be better than being here. Nothing in my life is right here anymore. I feel like I'm lost right now—like everything I do and say ends up being the wrong thing.

I don't know when or even if I'll be back. But I do know you shouldn't wait for me. If you find someone else, you should go for it. Flip the switch, Lucy…stop caring about me and let yourself be free from having to worry about me or caring about me. No matter what, I've always just wanted you to be happy. So go be happy…please.

John

The letter dropped to the floor as she started to sob. She covered her face with her hands as her body shook from the crying. A few minutes later she felt Betty's arms around her shoulders and she let the older woman guide her to the couch.

She sat down and then let Betty pull her into a hug.

"He's gone." She was finally able to say.

"I know sweetie, I know." Betty replied, rubbing soothing circles on Lucy's back.