Chapter 19

Don't Give In

Sakura bit her lip as she breathed in shakily. Dammit! Stop thinking about it Sakura! You're hurting yourself worse than Tomokazu's jutsu would! NO NO NO!

He doesn't love me. He can't, can he? Why was I being a damn idiot! I thought that maybe, he could change, just a little…for me…

But he can't! He raped me! I tried to forget but it won't go away and oh god… Sakura let out a small whimper as the images flashed through her mind. Her body felt as if it were on fire, and she could feel every spot he had touched her. She could hear every single one of her pleas for him to stop.

NO! NO! NONONONONONONONO!
Sakura clenched her fists, feeling her nails dig into the flesh of her palms. Warm liquid rushed over her fingertips as she willed herself not to cry.

I won't do it. I won't.

Oh god please…I don't want to remember…

Sakura had spent the last couple of months trying to forget the memory that was now surfacing. She felt weak, because she was still letting it affect her so much. She clenched her eyes shut, grinding her teeth.

Not one more whimper, Sakura. Nothing. Not a sob, not a tear.

…be strong.

Sakura had always prided herself on her strength of mind. She had always been the smartest. Why couldn't she force down those horrendous hours and think of something else?

She breathed in deeply, reciting the first nine shinobi sayings in her head. That had always been a way of meditation for her before. But for some reason, it did not seem to be helping. The shinobi code just seemed to slam into her full force.

Because it defined a shinobi as strong, silent, deadly, intelligent, emotionless.

Everything she wasn't.

They always told you that you weren't meant to be a shinobi. You never had any real talent in the field. Your parents were only Chûnin. You had no kekkei genkai. You weren't particularly good at anything, really. Just a bit of genjutsu, an inner voice sang maliciously. What ever made you think it would change?

Sakura bit her lip. She didn't try and stop the demented voice from berating her, however. Because for even such a short time, it kept her mind from the night of her rape. And that's all that she had wanted.

Because Lee and Naruto showed me…they showed me that you can become strong through hard work and training. That you don't have to be a prodigy!

Che. Naruto had a demon inside of him. Of course he became strong. And Lee? Well, he had a sensei that actually trained with him, didn't he?

Kakashi-sensei cared! He trained me!

Ha! He never did such a thing. You were just the little tag-along. The person they fit into the group because they couldn't find someone else. A filler. And Kakashi resented you for it. You had no talent. You were just a burden. He, Sasuke, and Naruto always had to protect you.

NO! I'm an ANBU now. I became strong. Don't you dare tell me that I'm not strong.

Sakura opened her eyes, only to be met with darkness. Then, like a small whisper that she could almost physically hear, her mind gave a small laugh.

You weren't strong enough to keep Itachi from raping you.

She slumped against the ropes as all the strength left her. She couldn't even fight her own inner self now. How could she fight the truth, anyway? She had always known she was weak. Always. She felt the warm liquid fill her eyes.

Why did she believe that she could have changed?

Maybe Neji was right when he was fighting Naruto. Maybe I can never become strong because that is my fate. I can never be more than I already was.

But look at Naruto! Naruto is strong! So how can what Neji said be true?

Neji didn't know about Naruto's demon. If he did…surely he would have seen that Naruto is destined to be Hokage.

I guess…I guess they were all right. I guess I should have just listened to them all in the first place. If I had stopped trying to be a shinobi, I wouldn't be in this mess. No one would ever have to worry about Sakura Haruno ever again.

The tears gathered on her lashes, waiting to drop.

Stop wallowing in your own damn self-pity!

Sakura blinked. The scream in her head felt like a slap to the face, or a nice bucketful of ice water. She hadn't heard that voice for a while. The confident, inner Sakura. The one who Sakura had once believed could do anything. Even make her strong.

You are an ANBU for heaven's sake.

You're the best medic the world has to offer. You'll be better than Tsunade soon, even she says so!

Think of all the people who would have died if you'd never become a medic-nin under Tsunade.

…what would have happened to Ino?

Sakura tried to ignore the sensible part of her. She hated when she was proven wrong.

By herself, no less.

And just one more little thought: you seem to have forgotten that you're in Akatsuki now.

They don't let weaklings in.

Think about it.

And then that annoying inner voice was gone as quickly as it had come forth.

There was a long moment of silence as Sakura merely sat there in the chair, breathing softly. She felt the darkness all around her, but it seemed to lighten as the images of the night Itachi had raped her slowly faded into the background, like a worn photograph.

Sakura gave a small smile, as she leaned back in her chair.

He did change, Tomokazu…

He isn't the person I thought he was…the person all of the world thinks he is.

He's just Itachi. He's cold, he's arrogant, and he's harsh sometimes.

But he can be kind. He's hurting and lost and…

Sakura's smile widened slightly as she closed her eyes and let herself fall asleep.

…and I'm going to save him.

Sai shifted on his perch, feeling the sunlight filter through the leaves in small patches, warming bits and pieces of his back and shoulder. The bark on his back was cool to the touch, a nice offset to the warmth of the sun.

The sunny weather seemed to mock the people of Konoha. It dared to shine brightly and cheerfully in a now seemingly dismal village. It dared to grace them all with its warm touch when they all felt so cold inside.

And it was all because of that large-foreheaded, pink-haired, former teammate of his.

Well, he supposed he couldn't really say she had a big forehead anymore. She'd grown into it well. It gave her a look of nobility and fragility that was so unlike her. It offset the strength in her jaw, the gleam of confidence that had sometimes lit her eyes.

He'd once called her Ugly.

After a few years the name had worn off. Especially after he'd been getting death glares from Hyuga Neji.

Besides, the name didn't fit her anymore.

Sai pulled his sketchbook out of his pack, running a thoughtful finger over the faded cover. He wondered at the strange tightening in his chest as he thought of Sakura and her whereabouts now.

Was he worried?

How could he be? He'd never felt any real emotion before. How was he to know what worry and anxiety felt like?

Sakura had never taught him that emotion before.

"Oi. Do I have to keep lying here like this? I feel like an idiot." Sakura commented.

Sai looked up from where he sat against the trunk of a tree in the clearing, his sketchbook in hand. His paints sat beside him. "Don't move."

Sakura gave a small sigh from where she lay on the tree branch, sprawled out rather precariously on it. She shifted in her kimono, one pale leg offsetting the tantalizing crimson of the fabric. "I don't see how you got me to do this, Sai."

"You said you wanted to spend some more time with me."

"Being your personal model was not what I had in mind, Sai." Sakura commented dryly. "You're just lucky it's festival day."

Sai looked up at her once again. "Why?"

"Because you wouldn't catch me in a kimono otherwise." Sakura finished, before looking back up at the sky through the veil of leaves above her.

"So that means I'm lucky, then?"

Sakura gave a small sigh, trying not to fidget. "A year or so ago, you wouldn't have asked me to come and help you even if I were the last piece of art inspiration on earth. What made you choose me now?"

"You aren't as ugly as you used to be."

Sakura gave a small laugh and a smile, which Sai thought brightened up her face, since she rarely smiled anymore. But her sad beauty was mysterious and intoxicating as well.

"Thanks Sai."

Sai wondered if she truly did know he was lying when he called her Ugly. She knew now, at least. It wasn't easy for him to joke or tease. Shinobi didn't do those type of things, after all. But Sakura was helping him to learn.

She'd taught him the proper way to smile. Of course, he'd only ever done so once before. He liked his fake smile better. It was easier to do, and it didn't make his cheeks hurt to force it back down again.

Sakura's smiles were contagious. And he was trying to keep himself from being infected, thank you very much.

"And I suppose the fact that I'm the only girl who still talks to you without either fainting or glaring in your general direction might have something to do with it."

Sai looked up from his sketch once more to talk to her. "The only one who glares is Ino."

"You did insult her on your first date."

Sai gave one of his fake smiles, "That dress did make her look fat."

"That's my best friend you're talking about, Sai. Don't make me come down there and kick your ass."

"I'd prefer it if you didn't. I'd never get you back in the same position again. The picture would be ruined."

Sakura merely turned to look at him once again, tearing her gaze from the clouds above her. Sai saw the worried look on her face, and he wondered at it. What was she worried about.

"You're scrunching up your already abnormally sized forehead. Don't make it look worse than it already is. I'm retouching and shortening your forehead as it is. I do want to actually make the picture look like you."

"Sai, why is it that every time you come back from a mission, you never want to talk to anyone? I know that you aren't here a lot, but I think it would be nice if you talked to people."

"I talk to you." Sai looked back down at his sketch, taking up his brush again. He heard Sakura shift on the branch and he looked up, ready to tell her to stop moving. But he stopped, because she was watching him with a sad smile, and her eyes were glistening with tears.

"I know." She whispered. "And…thank you."

"Hm?"

"For talking to me."

Sai didn't know what to really say. He just blinked, before going back to his picture. "Stay like that Sakura, I think I can still fix the picture after you moved."

He heard her laugh softly, and he felt the corners of his mouth tug. He hurriedly reached for one of his paint jars so that she could not see his face.

Or the small smile that graced it.

Sai began flipping through his sketchbook thoughtfully, his eyes strangely troubled.

There was the picture he'd drawn of Sakura healing a little boy's scraped knee. She hadn't even known he was sketching her. Her brow was furrowed in concentration, and her smile was comforting as the little boy sat in her lap, trying to act tough like a big boy.

Then was the picture of her sparring with Kakashi and Yamato. She had a look of grim determination on her face, as she dodged Kakashi's kunai, her own hand gripping a shuriken. Her hair was blowing wildly, but it did not hide the brilliance of her eyes.

A few more pictures of Sakura doing menial tasks: eating ramen at Ichiraku with Konohamaru and his team, walking down the street with groceries in her hand as she stopped to chat with her next-door neighbor, placing a small cup of milk on her porch for the stray cat she'd adopted, slumped over her desk as she tried to gain a few extra hours of sleep between shifts at the hospital…

And finally, the picture Sai was most proud of.

She was lying on the tree branch, her crimson kimono flowing around her. One leg was bent at the knee as she lay on her back. She was using her arm as a pillow, since she had been looking up at the clouds. But she had turned her face to look at him, with those sad eyes. Sakura blossoms floated gently through the air on an errant breeze.

She looked so different…he'd never seen her in a kimono before.

But it looked nice on her. He'd almost been tempted to ask her to go on one of those horrendous 'dates' that all the girls thought were so special and important. But he hadn't wanted her to think there was anything other than friendship on his mind. He didn't want to ruin the one strong bond he believed he actually possessed.

Sai looked up at the sky, frowning slightly as the sun gleamed overhead. He wondered if maybe, just maybe, he loved her. The way Naruto and Kakashi loved her. She was precious to him, like the sister or mother that he never had.

"Sai, Tsunade-sama has a mission for you." Yamato landed on the branch beside him. He looked down at the sketchbook curiously, but Sai was already closing it as he stood.

"Alright."

Sasori, Deidara, Itachi, and Kisame were seated away from the others, as usual. The uncomfortable glares and silences were common now, and they had grown immune to them. Or, at least, everyone but Deidara had.

The Konoha shinobi greeted them with bland politeness and cold civility—when they were feeling generous. There was always, however, that spark of distrust and hatred in their eyes.

Of course, this didn't disconcert the Akatsuki in the least, save for Deidara who seemed to take it to heart that Sakura's friends were being so rude to him.

"Oh stop it, Deidara. You look like you're about to cry." Kisame snapped, taking a bite of his fish that they'd managed to get for their evening meal. It was thin and not as good as he had hoped. Sakura had always known how to make even the scrawniest of fish taste good, with whatever that strange ingredient she always cooked it with was.

He gave a small, feral grin when he remembered that the Konoha shinobi didn't even have any fish. Akatsuki: 1. Konoha twerps and the sand chick: absolutely freakin' nothing.

"I'm not going to cry, yeah!" Deidara defended, snorting. He looked back over Kisame's shoulder at the Konoha shinobi. "It's just, we're partners in this, aren't we? We all have to work together to get back Sakura-chan."

"Just 'cause we're working together doesn't mean we have to like each other." Kisame grumbled as he took another bite of his fish, chewing ravenously. "You suck at cooking, Deidara."

Deidara huffed. "You didn't have to eat it, Kisame. But still, shouldn't they at least be a little more hospitable? I heard that the Konoha shinobi were nice, yeah." I thought they were all like Sakura.

Sasori gave a small sigh. "Deidara, the Konoha shinobi do not like us. It is merely something you will have to accept. Not everyone is as kind-hearted as Haruno-san."

"But they were her friends, yeah!" Deidara began. "Shouldn't they be just like her—"

"Don't get too attached to them, Deidara." Itachi commented coldly. He was sitting a few feet away, his back to them all as he meditated. "When we rescue Sakura we will take Naruto Uzumaki back with us and extract his Kyuubi."

Deidara shot him a surprised glance, which was echoed by Kisame.

Sasori nodded slowly. "This is considering that Haruno-san is too weak to protect them, I suppose. But we will still be outnumbered, Itachi."

"Tomokazu will have his sound-nin guarding his base, no doubt." Itachi answered back indifferently, as they watched his back.

"We will merely leave the sound-nin to the Konoha shinobi. That will wear away their chakra and strength and keep them from being more than a minor nuisance."

Deidara's eyes flickered as he nodded slowly, remembering the few moments the Konoha shinobi had spoken with him and actually seemed to enjoy his company. He had felt as if he were finally seeing a small bit of Sakura's past, and he had wanted to treasure that. But he knew the Akatsuki Leader's orders when he heard them. He knew that Itachi would get the Kyuubi no matter what cost.

And as long as they rescued Sakura, Deidara did not care about anything else.

"What of your brother?" Kisame grunted.

"Perhaps Tomokazu can rid me of that nuisance before I kill him."

Neji watched the backs of the Akatsuki from where he stood. They all had their backs to him, preventing him from reading their lips. He knew if he activated his Byakugan they would merely stop talking. He heard a soft murmur, but he could not make out anything they said.

He clenched his hands as he took a bite of his rations.

I don't trust them. No matter if Naruto seems to or not. He was always an idiot. If he wants to trust them blindly then I will not stop him. But I will keep him and the others from doing anything foolish.

Tenten sat down beside him, and he looked up at her as she smiled.

"We have the first watch, Neji." She munched her own food cheerfully.

Neji nodded curtly. "Alright." He saw the sadness with which Tenten regarded him. He knew she wanted him to be a bit kinder, but he couldn't. Besides, he was merely returning the coldness she had given him when they had met up again after he had knocked her unconscious and went for Sakura.

It was as if she were angry with him. But why should she be? She had merely been a hindrance to his mission. He had thought that as his former teammate, she would know better then to stand between him and his goal.

"Just don't fall asleep." She whispered, before standing and walking back to the others. He felt a twinge of regret as his cold attitude, as well as his cold thoughts. Tenten deserved more respect. She was a wonderful shinobi and his teammate. He should be more kind.

She had always been there for him; of course she would feel betrayed when he left her. He blinked for a second, as he remembered what Sakura had told him. Of how Sasuke had left her, knocked out on a bench. Her eyes had been filled with tears and pain as she remembered being betrayed and abandoned by someone she trusted and cared for.

Neji gave a small sigh. "Tenten?"

She looked up from where she sat with the others.

"Would you like to come with me to secure the area?" Neji saw her smile, and he knew he had done the right thing. She was his friend, and he cared for her. He would have to stop being so cold, like Sakura had told him. If he wanted respect and friendship, he would have to earn it.

Very well, Sakura. I won't let Tenten feel as you did, when Sasuke betrayed you. I will make sure that Tenten knows that I am…

…sorry…

Tomokazu gave a small sigh as he leaned his cheek on his hand and gazed at Sakura. She was truly an interesting young woman. But he knew he was winning. He had the high ground, this time. He wouldn't come out of this session empty-handed.

"You haven't spoken a word to me yet, blossom."

"Talking is overrated."

Tomokazu gave a small sigh. "Now, now, blossom…calm yourself."

He saw her turn to look at him, her jade eyes glinting from beneath her rosette bangs. A dangerous and wary glint. But also an annoyed one, as if she didn't really want to hear him talk anymore.

"This has gone on too long, blossom." Tomokazu laced his fingers together. "You know that I can fix everything that has happened to you, don't you? If you tell me the jutsu and come with me, you'll be able to visit Konoha again. Frequently, if that's what you wish."

"Oh?"

"Konoha is in the process of agreeing to an alliance with Sound, now that I've killed Orochimaru and I am in control, of course."

"Sound?" Sakura looked around the dingy room. "I should have known. Who else but Orochimaru has such a fine eye for décor?"

Tomokazu smiled at her sarcasm. "Orochimaru is dead, my dear blossom."

"Why would you sign an alliance with Konohagakure?" Sakura asked warily. Her eyes kept drifting to his hands, as if waiting for him to strike out at her with something. That merely made Tomokazu's smile widen.

"Because once I kill Itachi Uchiha and the rest of the Akatsuki I will be the strongest shinobi in the world. Do you know what that means, blossom?"

"You have an inflated ego?"

Tomokazu gave a small laugh. "Once again, your wit amuses me. No, my dear. It means that I will need allies for when I begin the next Great Ninja War."

Sakura's eyes widened. "Why would you want that?"

Suddenly he was beside her, the cold steel of his kunai caressing her cheek. He bent his lips down to her hear. "Tell me, blossom, does the sight and smell of blood excite you?"

"N-no, you sick freak." Sakura whispered. She felt a small flash of pain as the kunai cut into her cheek in a neat, straight line. She felt the blood well up and begin to fall as her cheek throbbed.

"Well it excites me, my dear." Tomokazu spoke darkly, licking the corner of the cut. Sakura flinched at the touch of his tongue against her cheek, lapping up the crimson liquid.

"And I can never get my fill of blood and death." Tomokazu continued, trailing the kunai down her arm now, making a small, continuous red line as he went. Sakura's eyes flickered at the pain, but she did nothing else as the crimson droplets ran down her arm and splattered onto the ground.

"And if I fulfilled my need with you, my dear, I'd end up bleeding you dry." Tomokazu chuckled, nuzzling her jaw. Sakura just tried to ignore him as she felt the sticky warmth of the blood cover her.

Her entire right cheek was covered in it, as well as her right arm. The droplets no longer made a sick sound as they hit the stone floor, but a soft drip as they landed in the growing puddle of blood.

"You're sick…" Sakura whispered again. It was the only thought that was running through her mind.

She felt another hot pain as he began carving into her other arm. This was not a straight line, however. He actually seemed to be drawing something. She craned her neck to look down at her arm, but all she could see was a mess of red liquid, running across the kunai blade and his fingertips as he held it steady so he could work.

He seemed to be completely entranced in his work.

"What are you doing?" Sakura asked shakily.

"Isn't it amazing, blossom, how beautiful your name looks in blood?"

Sakura stared down at him incredulously, her jade eyes wide in revulsion and fear. "What…did you just do?" She asked weakly.

"I seem to be forgetting your name lately, Sakura." Tomokazu smirked, eyes flashing darkly. "But I've finally come to understand something."

"What is that?"

"I don't love her anymore."

Sakura blinked, shivering unconsciously as he breathed against her neck, while the searing pain continued in her arm. "Nani?"

"She's merely an annoying figure of my past, something to hold me back. I have to look past her now. I have to look at the future." He began twirling her hair with his free hand. "Our future, Sakura."

Sakura breathed in shakily. "S-stay away from me…"

"And so I have to remind myself that it is you, not her, who is here with me now. Because she is nothing now. She must remain nothing if I am to be strong. I cannot have her entering my thoughts anymore."

Oh god…

"And you, Sakura…" He gave a small sigh against her clean cheek, his breath hot against it. She looked so pale, probably because of the blood loss. "I will make sure that you let go of Itachi Uchiha."

"Get away from me." Sakura whispered weakly, blinking a few times. She had lost so much blood…she felt so weak. If she had been in her normal, stable condition, this blood loss wouldn't be affecting her so much, since she could mend it easily. But with no chakra, and the strain on her body internally from Tomokazu's jutsu, she literally felt herself begin to fade away.

Is this what a dying person feels like? I've never…I've never been hurt so bad before when I couldn't fix it. I feel helpless. Is this how non-medical shinobi feel when they're injured?

"He will become nothing to you, Sakura. I will make him into nothing." She heard Tomokazu whispering in her ear. Her vision began fading, but she forced herself to stay awake.

"And then you will feel nothing when I kill him." He hissed.

"I will…feel…" You can't stop me. I will never become an emotionless bastard. Never. I will never forget my friends and those dear to me. Nothing you say or do can stop that.

I am strong.

"Seeing you like this, Sakura…" She felt him run his hand up her sides, but she was so weak, she couldn't even open her eyes.

"You have no idea what it does to me…"

His fingers felt so hot against her skin. Perhaps it was merely because her skin was as cold as death. Or rather, a death soon to come…

"When he comes for you, Sakura…I will take you and make you mine…"

Itachi…

"And I will erase him from your mind forever."

…don't let me forget…

She let out a small groan as she fell into darkness.

Iruka was walking down the street, Konohamaru in tow. The Chûnin in front of him was grinning as he looked back at his old teacher. "Come on, Iruka-sensei. You promised to take me out to ramen."

"Hai, hai." Iruka smiled absently as they began walking. They passed the Yamanaka flower shop, and Iruka stopped as he looked inside the open doorway.

Ino's mother was arranging a vase of flowers on the counter, with an attentive Atsuko watching her, completely absorbed in the colors of the flowers. He reached up and touched one of the flowers: a rose. He jerked back with a small exclamation of surprise as he sucked on his finger.

Yamanaka-san looked up in surprised at his yelp. "What is it, Atsuko-chan?"

He pointed a finger accusingly at the rose.

Yamanaka-san gave a small laugh as she ruffled Atsuko's hair. "Some flowers look pretty, Atsuko, but they can hurt people too. You have to be careful when handling those types of flowers. Let's go get you a band-aid."

Iruka watched them head into a back room, and his gaze drifted to the flowers in the vase, the rose in particular. It wasn't a red one, but a pale pink.

Some flowers do look pretty, Atsuko-chan. But Yamanaka-san is right…sometimes they hurt people.

They don't mean to, but they do.

The flower he was thinking of was different then the one sitting on the table, although they did share one commonality.

The color pink.

He looked around the town of Konoha, which was settling into the evening as the sun began setting behind the tree line. The people seemed a bit disheartened these days. Iruka had seen the flowers that had appeared on the steps of the Haruno household, as well as the sympathetic and sad looks when people passed it.

Sakura had meant so much to Konoha.

And now she was gone, and they were all suffering.

But this was no small prick on the finger that would be gone in a few days.

No, this wound would stay for a very long time. And it would hurt for a long while. It would hurt and throb and bleed until there was no one left who remembered the cheerful, pink-haired kunoichi who had taken Konoha and it's inhabitants by storm and proved to them that, just maybe, there was a kindness out in the world where they only saw darkness and hate.

I never told you this, Sakura, but I was always proud of you the most.

I always knew Naruto would become great, but you proved to me and the rest of Konoha that it does not take a prodigy or a demon to achieve greatness.

You became strong on your own, and you never let that strength get in the way of who you were. You were never cocky or confident. You always lent a helping hand, even when it was of an inconvenience to you.

I am proud to have been your teacher.

We're all proud.

(A/N: Well? Someone helped me to realized that I didn't have much Sai at all in this story, and since he is one of Sakura's teammates, I suppose he gets a say in it. (And I like him, so I wanted him to have a part in here :)

Tomokazu is just as crazy as usual, although he now seems to have gotten over his old love Masako and is focused on just Sakura. He scares me sometimes.

Good thing Neji is finally thinking clearing. He needs to see that Tenten cares for him and stop being such a shortsighted baka. He can be just like Sasuke sometimes. -sigh-

And now Itachi has decided he's going to let the Konoha shinobi get killed so he can get the Kyuubi. How can you be so heartless Itachi? ARGH!

Have you noticed that almost all of Sakura's scenes have her falling unconscious? I did it slightly unintentionally, but I guess it shows how she's falling in and out of reality the entire time everyone else is bickering and fighting over having to work together to save her. (get over it people!) Also, I suppose it stresses all that crazy torture Sakura's been put through. I mean, I think I hinted about how she was being tortured more than the few times we've actually read about it. It must be straining and hard to stay conscious after THAT.

Well, until the next chapter…

See ya!

Lady Hanaka

Question: If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?)