004 on 009

I don't like second-guessing people. I try not to make assumptions without any grounding and I loathe all forms of gossip. So, you'll forgive me if I don't spend too long trying to psychoanalyse my teammate.

It's something in the posture, I think, or maybe just a ghost of an expression. I know it well enough, if only because I've been there myself, or at least something similar. Either way, it's clear to see: 009 is not used to trusting people, or to having other people trust him. The first time 006 thanked him for helping to prepare dinner, he looked genuinely surprised. When he was offered the chance to pilot The Dolphin for the first time he looked as though he could barely believe what he was hearing. It took him days at first to pluck up the courage to start venturing his opinion and days more to stop flinching when someone asked him a question. I suppose that's what happens when you live your life as an outsider...

The first time I met 009 was in the middle of our initial escape from Black Ghost. He'd only been awake for about three hours and between waking up and finding us he'd had to fight his way through a small army's worth of soldiers, tanks, planes and God knows what else. He had this wild look in his eyes and he could barely string three words together at a time. We all got it in our first fights; that sudden exhaustion after the initial panic of the situation fades and before the adrenaline kicks in. You suddenly find yourself alone, your ears still ringing from the gunfire and your heart still trying to beat its way out of your chest and your body just decides to completely quit on you. And yes, after a fifteen minute scientific sermon from Dr Gilmore on how advanced 009 was going to be and how he had enough power to destroy the rest of us ten times over, I was expecting a lot. He was given the best of all of the rest of us, without any of the flaws and limitations.

What I saw when 009 arrived was a confused, shell-shocked teenager, if not an actual child; a rabbit caught in the headlights. He was in way past his depth and probably the only thing keeping him from completely losing his sanity was the promise of answers in the future. He barely made it through our escape in one piece and in the days that followed he seemed to be barely holding it together most of the time. I wouldn't normally admit to this, but, I was worried about him. There were times when I genuinely thought he was going to properly break from the stress.

But, since then, I've got to say, I have changed my mind. Whatever it was that was holding 009 back in those first few chaotic weeks is now where it belongs: in the past. As time's gone by, he's come into his own and risen to meet the challenges that life (by which I mean Black Ghost) has thrown at him, becoming stronger and braver with every obstacle he's overcome.

Although the first time we met was that day on the testing grounds in Black Ghost complex, the first time we really had any kind of a significant conversation was weeks later, when 0011 attacked. Most of team was already out of commission thanks to poison and those of us that were healthy (009, 003, 002 and me) were working triple shifts on night watch, hoping against hope that our attacker wouldn't come back before the others had recovered. After a rather heated argument with 002 about the outcome of the first battle against 0011, I offered to swap shifts with 003 so that she could get a few more hours sleep and I wouldn't have to spend eight hours wandering the area around Kosumi's house with 002 and his snide comments. (And no, I didn't mention the latter reason to 003, but I think she figured out anyway. There's no way she didn't hear the argument. All the same, she agreed anyway and all I had to endure was her raising her eyebrows at me as I left the room.)

Anyway, as 009 and I wandered the area, we got to talking. We didn't talk about ourselves or our pasts; we just talked about the only thing we had in common. It was something of a relief to know that I wasn't the only one feeling pretty shaken up by the battle against the 0010 brothers the week beforehand. Without either of us steering the conversation or hinting at anything, we ended up having quite a deep discussion about morality and mercy.

"Just six months ago I wouldn't have cared," he said. "I would have just let the both of them die without a second thought and I would have been able to convince myself that they deserved it too."

"That's how monsters are born. We look at the things that frighten us and we imagine them to be even worse. We convince ourselves that they aren't human and that it's OK not to treat them like humans."

"No doubt our enemies are doing the same thing to us right now. Every soldier that points a gun at us doesn't believe we're human anymore and probably won't hesitate to try and destroy us for good. Because we don't want to kill we're always going to be at a disadvantage and they know it."

"Of course... But I don't think I would be able to do things any differently now..."

That talk could have gone on for days if we hadn't been interrupted after that. In that discussion, I learned a lot more about who 009 was and what he was struggling with. It gave me a new respect for him and the choices he has made since becoming a cyborg.

For you see, on the day we met and escaped as a team, 009 was given a choice by the Black Ghost scientists. They told him that he had enough power to destroy the other eight of us and offered him unimaginable power in exchange for stopping the escape. As much as it saddens me to admit it now, I did wonder at the time whether or not he would do it. The only thing we had to offer him was a small chance of freedom, but only at the cost of more pain and fear. Moreover, we were all strangers at that point and owed one another nothing. I pray that it remains as a secret to me (and 001, who doubtlessly saw my thoughts at the time) that I was preparing my gun to shoot 009 down where he stood in case he decided to betray us all. I've seen how people change when they are given power over others. I've seen some putting their faith in others, only to be betrayed at the mere hint of a reward. Quite a few people from my past would have sold all of us out to Black Ghost were they in 009's position or would have shot him down were they in mine.

You know the rest. 009 decided to put his trust in us and join the escape and I ended up having a few restless nights, worrying at how easily I coerced myself into thinking that shooting 009 was the best option. (If she had seen it all, I don't think Hilda would have been impressed with me. I'm certain that if she had been in my place she would have stood next to 003, offering a hand to him and asking him to trust us.)

And yes, I'm glad that 009 proved himself to be the better man. Although he is just as new to this life as the rest of us (apart from 008), 009 has thrown himself into it with all his strength. He has shown himself to be selfless and brave to a fault. He has tried to reason with every agent Black Ghost has thrown at us and has consequently taken more damage than any of the rest of us. And, although I'd never actually say this to anyone else, his abilities are incredible, maybe even a little scary at times. In spite of such incredible power, he remains down to earth and kind-hearted. It's probably for the best that I don't have that kind of power.