Chapter 7: Doubts
The kid wasn't so bad. In fact, she was kinda cute. Bossy, which was definitely something she got from Effie. But he wouldn't lie. She probably won him the moment she gave him that battered stuffed rabbit to look after. She seemed to like him too, which was always a plus.
Not that he cared. He didn't, not really. He didn't know why he was letting himself get attached when Effie would be going back to Four in a few days and probably disappear from his life again.
"Ha! I found one!" Amabella cried, obviously finding a piece that fit one of the others. The jigsaw was a little over halfway complete. He had to admit it, the girl was good at it, for someone so small.
"That's good, kid," Haymitch smiled. "Only about fifty more to go."
Effie had left for a meeting, Felix was out doing God knows what, Katniss was hunting, and Peeta was working. That left him to look after the girl. He didn't mind; his own house was being cleaned to host Johanna and Annie, who would be arriving in a few hours. Amabella was kneeling in front of the coffee table, analyzing the jigsaw. Haymitch was sitting on the couch behind her.
"Did you know we have a really big one in my house? Mommy isn't very good at it," Amabella pouted. He couldn't help but smile. "You should visit us and help me."
"Yeah, maybe one day," Haymitch watched as she successfully added the piece to the jigsaw.
"I'll intro-introdu-introduce you to Flower," she stammered a little. Of course Effie's kid would try to say things like that. "You'll like her."
"Who's Flower?" he asked softly.
Amabella stood up, circling the table to look at the puzzle from another angle.
"My chicken. I got her egg at preschool. Mommy let me keep her. One time she did her wings like this and scared Auntie Jo," the little girl giggled as she imitated a bird's wings. "I told her to take good care of her! Because I know Levi won't remember to feed her. So I told her on the phone three times so she won't forget."
She definitely talked as much as Effie did.
"This one, over there," Haymitch said, reaching to pick a piece and hand it to Amabella. She got the piece but frowned at the jigsaw.
"Where?" She put her hands on her waist, looking very serious and very bossy, her dirty blonde hair obscuring half of her face despite the pretty band Effie had arranged in her hair earlier.
Haymitch was about to point when he realized she reminded him of his brother.
It was the exact same pose his little brother used to do when he couldn't understand something. He had the sudden vision of Rowan, maybe aged six or seven, trying to understand as Haymitch taught him how to play chess. They had an old game at his house, one of the few things their dad had left them. Rowan was never into it, though.
"Oh, I see it!" Amabella exclaimed, beaming a beautiful smile towards him as she placed the piece on the jigsaw. "Thank you!"
Haymitch shook his head slightly; what a weird thought. He hadn't thought of his brother in a while. He hadn't thought of his brother at that age in years.
"I think I wanna play with something else now," Amabella said distractedly, running around the table. "Do you wanna play hide and seek?"
"Sure," Haymitch slapped his knees before standing up. His hands were shaking a little. He could use a distraction.
"Okay. I'll start! You go hide," she instructed, turning towards the wall.
She was already starting to count, so Haymitch had to think quickly of a place to hide, considering the kid was little and he didn't know how far she could count to. He settled for crouching behind the couch. He knew it would take her about two minutes to find him, but he supposed he had to humor her.
They played hide and seek for at least twenty minutes, and by the end of it Haymitch was pretty tired of feigning surprise every time he found the girl hidden in very obvious places such as under the coffee table and behind the curtains. She was a good kid, though. Didn't really complain much. Despite the incessant babbling, she wasn't annoying either. And since he had gotten used to babbling from working with the kid's mother for eleven years, he didn't mind it much. It kept him from having to speak more than two sentences.
He didn't think much of Effie, despite everything. The kid was clearly hers, but she definitely had her own personality, and talked a lot about her home and her toys and her classes. He got a glimpse of what Effie's life was like nowadays. He almost envied it.
Almost.
He made a point of avoiding to think of Effie, if he was being honest with himself. Their relationship had always been more complicated than simple, and it was bad enough that he had admitted to missing her yesterday. He hadn't been able to help it — she was beautiful and she felt so good clenching around him. He had missed the way her nails scratched his back. He had missed how sweet her skin was. He had missed hearing her moan.
It did not mean he missed her voice, or her clothes, or her whole being. It didn't. They were never like that, anyway.
He was brought back to the present as Amabella yawned when he sat back on the couch, done with hide and seek.
"Can you tie my shoelaces?" she asked him as she sat down next to him.
Haymitch took a deep breath. He had just sat down.
Nevertheless, he crouched down in front of the girl and tied her shoes.
"Now you won't fall on your face next time you run," Haymitch said as he finished it, tapping her shoe softly..
"Mommy tried to teach me," Amabella said in a tiny voice. "I'm not good at it. It always falls off."
Haymitch felt his annoyance wavering slightly. He pursed his lips.
"Alright. I'll do it again, and you watch me," he instructed. Amabella sat up straight and stared at her shoes.
He must have done at least five knots and by the end of the second time he was already going with her explanation of bunny ears because that seemed to make her understand. As it turned out, her biggest issue was that she was left-handed while he wasn't, and he knew Effie wasn't either. Haymitch didn't think he had ever taught anyone how to tie their shoelaces since his brother, and that had been thirty years ago. It helped that his brother had also been left-handed. It was a strange coincidence.
Amabella seemed to be getting better at it, but made him promise to help her again next time because apparently Mommy wasn't as good at this as he was.
"I'm hungry," she told him after he had announced they were done tying shoe laces.
Haymitch snickered. Not one for subtlety, then.
"I think there's some cake in the kitchen," he offered. Effie hadn't mentioned the kid couldn't eat anything, so he could only guess she liked cake. "Come on. You like tea? Or milk?"
He had no idea what to do with a kid so young, but luckily she was pretty vocal about what she liked. The good side of being in a baker's house was that you could find almost anything in the cupboards. Haymitch gave the kid a slice of chocolate cake and made her some warm milk. The cake looked good enough so he sat beside her on the small circular table and treated himself to a slice as well. He scraped the frosting off his cake, though.
"I love chocolate cake," Amabella said as she ate, eyeing the frosting not so subtly. "It's my favorite!"
Haymitch snorted. "Yeah, mine too. You want the frosting, though?"
The corners of her mouth were smeared with chocolate. She looked adorable.
"Yes, please," she offered him her plate and he gave her what remained of his frosting. He started to eat and fought the urge to shake his head — how many times had Effie eaten the frosting off his cupcakes? "It's Mommy's favorite too, but she pretends it's not," the girl said very seriously. "She says the cake goes to her thighs, but you know it goes to your tummy first."
"I think your mom should eat more cake," Haymitch said conversationally. "She barely has a tummy."
Amabella giggled. Haymitch found himself grinning at her.
"I think I should eat more cake too," the kid said, ever the wise. Haymitch snorted and gave her another slice as she drank the milk. Now she had a milk moustache. He should find a napkin and clean her face before Effie arrived and had him arrested for teaching bad manners to her kid. "Thank you."
Well. She did have good manners. It was cute - not that he'd ever admit that to Effie. Truth was, he couldn't stand kids in general. Amabella was like a little adult who needed help to do stuff and liked to play. He could have a conversation with her. He appreciated that.
"You're welcome," Haymitch said, drinking the rest of his milk. He missed alcohol. Badly. "Last one, though. Or you won't eat anything at dinner and your mom will blame me."
Amabella's eyes widened. "Mommy knows everything."
He was about to agree, just to humor her, when he really noticed her eyes. They were pretty. He had assumed they were blue like Effie's. But now, up close, in this light — they were almost gray. Not Effie's at all.
Definitely not the semen guy's, either.
In fact, her eyes were almost the same shade as his own.
She was once again focused on her cake, swinging her little legs under her seat. Her hair wasn't really the same shade as Effie's either. Amabella's was a little darker, maybe. She definitely had Effie's nose, though. And chin. Her whole complexion was Effie's, and her skin was clear and probably as soft as a baby's but not quite as pale as Effie's, either. No, her coloring was not like Effie's, although she definitely could pass for it. Now, watching her closely, he could see it.
It was almost as if she was his kid.
But no. It was impossible. Effie had said she couldn't conceive naturally. She had an appointment the day after the party. He never called her that day because he would be traveling all the way back to Twelve and he had been nursing that terrible hangover plus the side effects of that ridiculous drink Flavius had given him. Over the years he got a few memories here and there from that night, but nothing conclusive. He remembered drinking more and complaining about Effie's procedure. He vaguely remembered making a very ridiculous joke to the semen guy about semen. He barely even remembered going into the bathroom and seeing that little cup.
All he could remember was that it disgusted him.
"Fuck," his voice was barely above a whisper.
Amabella turned towards him with alarmed eyes. He was still staring at her. She made a disgusted face that looked so much like Effie. She did look so much like Effie. Except for the gray Seam eyes. And dirty blonde hair. And usually impatient temper.
Fuck. He needed a drink. Badly.
"I think we should have a swear jar here," she mumbled, looking very annoyed. "I will tell Mommy."
He recovered after a moment, because the girl was staring at him, clearly expecting some reply. He cleared his throat. He felt a little dizzy.
"Yeah, you do that," he mumbled, eating what was left of cake in his plate.
The kid seemed to think he was acting very weirdly, but he couldn't care at the moment. He kept staring at her. He didn't know what to do with this realization. He couldn't be sure this happened that night at the party, but the evidence was all there. The kid had to be his.
He was saved from having to deal with this right now when Felix arrived from the back door, carrying a few bags, probably for the wedding.
"Hey, everyone," he announced, leaving the bags on the floor and making himself at home. Haymitch was still looking at Amabella, who still needed to wipe her face clean. "Cute moustache you have there, Bella. Wait until your mother sees it," Haymitch managed to take his eyes off the kid and look at Felix. He nodded at the young man. "Hey, Haymitch. She doing okay?"
"Yeah. You shouldn't give her more cake, though, this is her second piece and Effie will kill me if she gets sick," Haymitch warned him as he stood up. Amabella gave him a pout. "None of that, kid. You gotta eat your vegetables at dinner or your mom will never let me look after you again."
Did he even want to look after her again?
Felix was looking from Haymitch to Amabella with interest.
"Listen, I gotta check if my house is ready for the guests. You okay with her for now?" Haymitch asked him.
"Yeah, sure," Felix answered, smiling at the girl. "Effie will be here soon, anyway."
"Okay. I'll see you guys at dinner," Haymitch said quietly. He pinched Amabella's cheek softly and the girl laughed. "Later, kid."
He turned away without looking at Felix, because he was sure that if anyone aged above ten saw the frown on his face, they would know something was up.
He was fucked.
Annie and Johanna arrived with Levi before dinner, and the meal turned out be a big, but subdued affair. Only Amabella and Levi seemed to be in really good spirits as the two women had spent the day traveling and were not in the mood for ceremony, as Johanna said more than once. Haymitch took advantage of the big group to keep to his own, though it was hard to avoid Effie when he couldn't seem to keep looking at Amabella. He suddenly saw so much of himself on her, and it scared him to death.
He did his best to avoid Johanna too, because, unlike Effie, she did not possess enough tact to not demand an explanation to why he had been sober for a while.
He left the kids' house early, soon after the meal, and was only stopped by Amabella herself when she noticed him leaving as she played with Levi in the living room. She gave him a hug and bid him goodnight.
It was a fucking mess.
He went to bed, even though he knew he would not fall asleep, not without a drink. He tried hard to remember what exactly happened at that party. He tried hard to come up with reasons why this couldn't be what he was thinking — Amabella looked like Effie. Maybe one of Effie's parents had that eye color. Maybe the semen guy's parents had that eye color.
He couldn't let it go, though. Despite everything, he kept coming back to the image of that little girl looking exactly like his brother had when Haymitch tried to teach him chess. She looked exactly like his brother had when he had taught her to tie her shoelaces. It was like seeing a miniature female version of his little brother, and he knew he and his brother looked very much alike when they were young. It was subtle, but it was right there.
Either he was out of his mind and this was just another side effect of alcohol abstinence, or he was right.
In both cases, he'd be going insane.
He was out of his bed and downstairs almost faster than his feet allowed him. He went straight for the cupboard in the dining room, where he used to keep his secret stash. His house was completely silent — he figured Annie, the boy and Johanna must be asleep for hours. The cupboard was empty. Peeta must have gotten rid of that too.
"Fuck," he cursed, even if it was only a whisper, going to the kitchen instead and getting himself some water. He glanced at the kids' window next to his — it was dark. Everyone was probably asleep too. He finished drinking the water. He was still thirsty. "Fuck."
"You should be careful," Johanna's voice startled him. He groaned inwardly — this whole thing was already making him vulnerable. "There are kids around. They don't like nasty words."
He half turned around and glared at her. She snickered. He noticed she was still in the clothes she had been wearing for dinner.
"You look like you could use a drink," she commented, leaning against the doorframe.
Haymitch looked at her carefully. "You look like you've had a few of those."
She really did — he knew her enough to know that she was leaning on the wall because she couldn't stand up straight. Probably went out for drinks with Felix. They looked like they were close.
"You won't fault me for drinking," she said, a look of challenge in her eyes. "What's up? You've been weird. You haven't even insulted me yet. And you were not flirting with Trinket."
Haymitch frowned, turning around to get more water. "I don't flirt with Effie."
"Oh, right. You call it arguing," she rolled her eyes. "Why are you sober?"
He drank his whole glass at once, and did not turn around. "Fucked up. Thought it was time to get over it."
"How long?"
He left the glass in the sink and turned, leaning against the counter and crossing his arms in front of his chest. "Four months. But who's counting, right?"
She shrugged. "You did it in Thirteen. Shouldn't have gotten back to it afterwards," she shot him a look. "You're dying for a drink right now. Why?"
Haymitch raised his palms up in surrender. "Newsflash, Johanna: I'm an alcoholic and that's what we do."
"It's not because of this stupid wedding, is it?" she asked. "We both know their lives aren't the fairy tale the media wants them to be. They're fucked up. We all are. Trinket, too. We just have different ways of coping."
"It's not about the wedding," he scoffed. He couldn't care less about weddings.
"Is it Trinket, then?" Johanna insisted. "We all know how annoying she can be. The kid's alright, though."
"It's not Effie," Haymitch closed his eyes for a moment. "I mean, not really. Listen, Johanna… do you remember that party? Before Effie moved to Four."
She grinned. "The insemination party, yes. You got totally hammered. I saw Barry leaving with one of Effie's co-worker. Capitols."
Haymitch made a face. "Who's Barry?"
"Bella's father. The semen guy," Johanna snickered. "I remember the party. What is it?"
Haymitch took a deep breath. He was getting desperate. He needed a fucking drink. "Do you, by any chance, know what I did in that bathroom, at that party?"
The young woman looked at him with empty eyes, apparently not interested.
"Seriously?" she asked, skeptical. "You didn't get laid, if that's what you're asking. You spent like half an hour in that room and it was totally trashed when we got there. Luckily Flavius had a key. The shower sound was on, really loud, there were porn magazines on the floor, I don't wanna know what you did with those. My guess is that you threw up and decided to lie down and see if you felt better, because that's how we found you."
"Are you sure?"
"Well, I wasn't there, was I? Maybe you jerked off to those magazines and sang in the shower. I don't know," she shrugged, then looked at him, suddenly interested. Haymitch closed his eyes. "Why are you asking?"
"Fuck," his vision seemed blurred for a moment. He blinked. "Okay. This doesn't leave this room," Johanna nodded. He rested his hands on his waist and let out a breath. "I think I'm the father."
"What? Bella's father?" she asked, not too quietly. "Trinket's kid? You think Amabella Trinket is your kid?"
Haymitch gave her a look.
It took her about ten seconds to start laughing. "I fucking knew it."
It was a good thing she was all the way across the room or Haymitch might have strangled her and her smartass face.
"What do you mean?" he asked.
"I mean that the newspapers got you leaving her place that morning, and Effie totally denied it, but they caught you two kissing. Right outside her apartment building," she let out a laugh. "And then she had to postpone the insemination. I just assumed she did it, but this makes much more sense. That kid is all you. She even has a chicken for a pet, for fuck's sake."
"I raise geese," Haymitch argued. "Wait. She postponed the insemination?"
"Yeah, she said she had something at work," Johanna rolled her eyes. "She had it rescheduled for the following week, but I was home by then. Weeks later, she told us she was pregnant. She never said anything, though. But she never talked about Barry either."
"No, I don't think—she couldn't conceive. And I'm pretty fucked up, okay? We wouldn't conceive naturally. I don't think so, anyway," Haymitch ran his fingers through his hair. "Fuck."
"So you think she went through with the insemination?" Johanna asked, confused. "Pretty sure that kid is more like you than any other person. Except Katniss, maybe."
"No, I mean, yes. I think I might have adulterated that guy's… material," Haymitch kicked himself for saying that out loud. He couldn't believe his own words. "I think I switched those to mine."
"So you're saying you got rid of a guy's semen and jerked off so she would be inseminated with yours," she said. It sounded even worse when she said. "That is sick. Why the hell would you do that?"
"I don't fucking know. I remember shit of that night," Haymitch rubbed his palms against his face. "I have no idea, okay? All I know is that that kid right there reminds me of my dead brother, and her eyes are the same eyes that look at me through the mirror."
Johanna looked at him with critical eyes. "That's fucked up."
Haymitch snickered, but there was no humor in it. "I'd drink to that, but I can't because the boy got rid of my booze."
Johanna moved from the doorway to lean against a chair. He remained standing. "Fucking is just so much easier than this insemination shit. Are you sure you switched the material?"
"No, I am not sure. I don't remember," Haymitch repeated himself, trying to keep his voice down. "Effie's gonna kill me. Fuck."
"So you admit you fucked her?" she arched her eyebrows.
Haymitch glared at her. She glared right back. He sighed. "We have a history. Okay? Is that what you wanted to hear? I don't kiss and tell."
Johanna laughed. "That's what we call it now. Damn, I'd owe Finnick a drink," she added bitterly. "So you fucked, and then you may have switched the guy's semen for your own. Seems like the chances for Bella being your kid are pretty high."
"I know," he let out a slow breath. "I have to talk to Effie."
"She's gonna be pissed," Johanna concluded, "unless you never did switch the material. Then you'll be sad."
"I won't be sad if Amabella isn't my child," Haymitch said automatically.
"You keep telling yourself that," she said, surprisingly softly. He ignored her. "To be fair, she really reminds me of you. She has your personality all over, plus Trinket's looks. She's gonna be trouble for sure," she chuckled. "Well, I'm gonna go to bed."
She stood up straight and turned around. He didn't ponder over her last words. It didn't mean anything. But he called her before she left the room.
"This is between us," it wasn't a question, just a reminder.
Johanna nodded before exiting the kitchen. Haymitch turned off the lights, and went on to check on the locks — just something he got used to doing in recent years. He had never bothered before. Now that there were reporters all around, he was extra weary.
When he closed the back door, hidden in the darkness of his own house, he noticed her figure on the porch next door, and part of him wanted to go to her then and there and tell her what he thought. He did wonder if she hoped he'd join her like he did a few days ago. The previous day somehow felt like a whole other world to him. Now… Now he might be the father of a child, and he had to think about what he'd do if that turned out to be the truth.
He would talk to Effie tomorrow. It was the last day before the wedding and he knew she would be busy, but he had to find a way.
A/N: So Haymitch thinks he has figured some stuff out... but has he? Let me know your thoughts!
Next chapter: Haymitch tries to confront Effie, but realizes he may have to face the truth behind their own relationship sooner than he thought.