Chapter 8: Truths
He soon realized talking to Effie a day before the big event would be more difficult than he initially thought.
When he reached the kids' house — fully intent on talking to her — she was on a phone meeting with Plutarch, apparently, while every now and then she'd excuse herself from the call to order Felix to call someone about some detail for the party. The weather forecast predicted a sunny day, but Haymitch knew everyone — mainly Effie and Felix — were worried about rain and a tent was already being raised in the backyard.
He was in the kitchen, having a cup of coffee on his own, listening to Effie's loud voice and Felix's moving around, when a small figure showed up by the doorway, wearing yellow pajamas and rubbing her eye slowly.
His heart sank. It was weird, really, just - a very weird feeling that spread through his chest. She might be his kid. She might be his kid, and it didn't feel so bad when he looked at her.
He found himself smiling.
"Hey, Bella," the nickname slipped from his lips naturally.
"Good morning," the little girl replied in a sleepy voice. "It's early."
"I know. Your mom speaks way too loudly," he complained. It wasn't that early, though. The table was empty. She must be hungry — no one seemed to have seen her yet. "Uh, what do you usually have for breakfast?"
Amabella made herself comfortable by sitting in one of the chairs by the table. "Sometimes Mommy lets me have cereal."
She clearly wanted cereal. He got that. But he had already fed her too much chocolate cake the day before, and Effie had told him that wasn't completely healthy, and he wouldn't fall for those cute eyes again. Besides, he was pretty sure Peeta and Katniss didn't have cereal at home.
That he had cereal at home was not something to be discussed.
He looked around.
"Uh. Do you like eggs, Princess? Toast and eggs?" he asked. He hadn't had breakfast yet. He could keep the girl company.
"I really like cereal though. The chocolate ones."
Haymitch pursed his lips. "Tell you what. I got cereal at home, but today you gotta eat healthy. No sugar before lunch. After the wedding though — I'll make you cereal. Does that sound good?"
Amabella nodded. "Yes."
She seemed definitive about it. He saw it as a good thing.
He fixed them breakfast quickly, pouring the girl some orange juice and giving her a portion of eggs and toast that was perhaps too big for a four-year-old child, but better to be sure she'd be full than anything. Her mood improved as she ate — she became more talkative and was certainly looking forward to playing with Levi all day long, because apparently Annie had said she'd look after them.
She had just been telling him that Flower was being taken care of by a friend of Auntie Annie's when Effie entered the kitchen, almost running around, and was definitely surprised to see Haymitch and Amabella having breakfast together.
"Amabella, you are up early," she said, giving Haymitch a look before walking towards the child and giving her a forehead kiss. "Good morning, darling."
"Good morning, Mommy!" Amabella said excitedly.
"In a good mood, too," Effie smiled fondly. She looked surprised when she noticed the content of the child's breakfast. "And you're eating eggs. How come you do not eat eggs when I make them?"
The little girl shrugged. "It's really good."
Effie narrowed her eyes at Amabella, but shrugged and smiled at Haymitch. "Well, thank you for making her breakfast. I didn't know she was up already."
"No problem," Haymitch shrugged, drinking the last of his coffee. "Do you have a moment?"
Effie frowned and checked the watch on her pulse. "I have a few minutes," she nodded. Haymitch stood up, walking towards the back door. "I'll be right back, darling."
He heard Effie following him and he closed the door when she reached the porch. She looked at him as if she already knew what this was about.
"Haymitch, let's not make this awkward, please," she started. "We're used to that. We're two adults, it was consensual, and we never labeled it but I think it should not be repeated."
Haymitch looked at her.
"I'm not saying I regret it," she continued, "in fact, I very much do not regret it because, well, it had been some time since I— but that's not the point," Effie shook her head. "The point is that it happened but it shouldn't have. I have Amabella to look after now. I cannot be irresponsible with—with my body, and my heart. I cannot, because I have her to worry about. So I suggest we just… do not discuss it, and leave it where it is. In the past."
Haymitch crossed his arms in front of his chest and frowned. "Okay," he took a deep breath. "You done?"
"I—Yes, I am done," she was flustered.
"So you don't wanna fuck anymore," he concluded. He felt suddenly angry. "You know, once after five years hardly counts as more than a one night stand. Very presumptuous of you to assume I'd want to fuck you again."
"Excuse me?"
"And I don't remember you saying no," he continued. "In fact, I remember that you were pretty eager for it to go on, harder…"
Effie huffed, her cheeks a pretty shade of pink now. "Well, I never! You were the one who practically jumped me," she hissed. "Just because we never discussed this in the past doesn't mean we shouldn't discuss it now! I thought I'd be an adult and bring it up—"
"Sure, yeah, especially since you decide to discuss this when you wanna end... whatever this is," he whispered, his mind completely clouded over the argument now.
"I can't end anything if there's nothing here, can I?" She asked. "That's how you used to deal with this, by not dealing, and that never did us any favors, so I thought—"
"You thought you'd end it to avoid problems," he concluded. He took a step closer towards her. She took a step back, and met the wall. He could see the fire in her eyes. He knew exactly what she wanted. "We've tried to end it in the past. It never worked. You know why?"
"It worked for nearly five years," Effie argued back. He was very close now, but they weren't touching.
"It only worked because we were apart," he said. "We can't help it when we're close. We just wanna get so damn closer."
But she shook her head. "No. I don't want to."
"Please," Haymitch snickered. He grabbed at her waist and she saw her knees flutter. "You gonna pretend you're not wet for me under that skirt?"
She gasped. "Must you be so crass?"
"Stop complaining. You like it that way."
"I wouldn't complain if you weren't so rude."
"Well, I wouldn't be rude if you-"
Her lips were on his before he could even finish the sentence, and he smirked against her mouth, feeling the way her hand held his neck a little forcefully. His hands went behind her back, her tongue caressed his, and then one of his hands started sliding down…
The door opened beside them and Haymitch took a step back, feeling flustered himself. It was Amabella opening the door, running towards them and nearly colliding against Haymitch's legs.
"Mommy!" she called, and Haymitch let out a shaky breath. Effie's eyes were wide, and refused to meet his. "I'm all done with breakfast, can I call Levi so we can play?"
"You may, but only once we're sure he's awake and has already had his breakfast," Effie said, chancing a look at him now. "Do you know if they're up?"
Her voice did not even falter. She had always been too damn good at pretending.
He shrugged. "I left before anyone was awake, but I told them to feel at home."
Amabella stopped right in front of Effie and raised her arms. He watched as Effie automatically lifted her — she might be small but she couldn't be that light, and he saw Effie wince slightly but did not complain. The little girl kissed Effie's cheek and smiled at him from her spot as she lay her head on Effie's shoulder.
"You're such a lousy host," Effie muttered, turning her attention to the child. "Well, we'll get you dressed, and then Mommy will see if Levi can play with you."
"Can you play with us?" Amabella asked.
"No, I'm sorry, darling. Mommy has to work today," she explained, and Amabella looked disappointed. "We can play after the wedding, though. I promise. We'll have a big tea party. All your dolls and toys can come."
Amabella perked up immediately.
"Even Mr. Stinky?"
Haymitch let out a chuckle before he could help it.
Effie made a face. "I suppose so, if he promises to behave," she pinched Amabella's nose and put her on the floor again. "Go on and choose an outfit. I'll be right there so we can do something pretty with your hair."
"Okay," Amabella said, already turning away. "Bye, Haymitch!"
"Bye, Bella," he said, watching as she ran into the house. Effie was watching him. He made a point to stop smiling. "So much for talking, huh?"
Effie rubbed her brow, looking a little confused. "Yes, I'm sorry. She just… likes to cuddle. It's always been just the two of us, so… I hope you understand, Haymitch," she let out a breath. "It's not just about us, anymore. Let's just… wait until this wedding is over so we can talk about that. Please."
He shrugged. "Fine. Not what I was gonna talk about anyway," he caught her frown as he walked down the steps towards the backyard. "I'll catch you tonight."
He ended up running to town to sell some eggs — God knew he had more than he and the kids could eat these days — and ended up in an argument with a reporter who had been standing at the gate of Victors' Village. He knew it would likely cause some trouble with Effie because she had been the one to make an agreement with the press but he really couldn't handle the vultures and their cameras pointed into the village — which most likely featured Levi and Amabella, who were playing among the flowers.
It didn't have to do with the kids. He was just very impatient and not in the mood to deal with the press.
He asked the kids to come inside once he approached his house and took them to see the geese while he fed the animals — both children were excited at the prospect and by the end of the afternoon he had somehow found himself in yet another game of hide and seek.
He indulged them, because he had nothing else to do, and it was getting harder and harder to refrain from drinking. He still had some hand spasms, though not often, and at least the time for hallucinations was long over, but it didn't mean he didn't miss it. And this wedding would be an exercise in frustration because there would surely be alcohol and plenty of people drinking it.
He tried to keep his thoughts in check. He tried to formulate exactly what he'd say to Effie this evening. Because this would be it — he wouldn't be able to wait until the wedding. He had waited long enough. He had to know if there was a true possibility that Amabella was his child. He needed to know so he could start dealing with things. He needed to know so he could start bringing that up in therapy, because he was itching for a drink every time he remembered he might have a kid.
He was definitely fucked up, and he wondered if that child should even have him in her life.
It was late when Effie arrived at his house to get Amabella — he and Peeta were supposed to look after the kids so the women could go out, a sort of bachelorette party for Katniss, though she was the least excited about it in the group. It wasn't ideal, Haymitch knew, but he seized his chance and caught her before she had even reached her daughter, who was currently watching television somewhat sleepily.
"Effie," he called as she entered the house and greeted Annie. "Can we talk now?"
He must have sounded desperate, because Annie looked between them with interest before retreating to the living room with the children.
Effie, on the other hand, looked confused.
"Can't it wait, Haymitch?" She asked. "I have to get Amabella ready for the night and then—"
"No, it can't wait," he interrupted, grabbing her wrist, though not forcefully, and guiding her towards the kitchen, closing the door that led towards the dining room.
Effie was silent throughout the maneuver, and looked strangely out of place in his now tidy kitchen. He closed the door to the corridor as well. When he looked back at her, she was fidgeting nervously and looked very much confused. He pursed his lips and stood from across the room. Maybe he should tell her to sit down, but he couldn't make sense of much in the moment. He had always been a better strategist when he wasn't concerned with himself.
"Listen, I don't know how to say this, so I'll just go straight to the point, yeah?" Haymitch started. Effie nodded patiently. He took a deep breath and met her gaze steadily. "I think Amabella is my kid."
Effie's eyes widened immediately. "How—What?"
"Please hear me out," he asked. "She looks just like you, yeah, but she also looks like me, don't tell me you think she looks like that Ben guy. Barry. Or Jerry—I don't care what his name is—"
Effie was shaking her head, and frowning. "Did Felix tell you?"
"I just mean that—Felix?" Haymitch frowned, not very used to Effie interrupting him. "What?"
"Did Johanna tell you?" Effie asked again. She rubbed her palms against her eyes. "This was not how you were supposed to find out. I'll kill them. Don't think I won't."
He did not expect this.
"Wait, you knew?"
She looked at him as if he had grown a second head. "Really, Haymitch, I think I'd know who the father of my child is," she retorted. He was speechless for a moment. She seemed to make sense of what she had just said a moment later.
"You know I switched the cups at your party?"
Now Effie looked disgusted. "You did what?" She screeched. "You switched the—oh my God, Haymitch!"
"Now, I don't remember—"
"You switched the cups at the party."
"If you'll just listen—"
"You switched the cups so you've thought she was your daughter all along and you never reached out," Effie said. "You never called, you never asked, and you switched the cups. That is disgusting, Haymitch. It's low even for you."
"Now, let me explain," he started, speaking rather loudly so she would just stop talking. "I don't remember much after I talked to you that night. Flavius gave me that stuff. I just—I saw similarities between me and the kid, and I remember being inside that bathroom and seeing that cup—"
Effie made a face. "That is so unsanitary."
"—and she has my eyes, Effie, have you seen her eyes?" He breathed out. "She looks exactly like you did, I'm sure, but her eyes—"
"Yes," Effie agreed, closing her eyes. "Yes, I know. Her coloring is… she looks a lot like you."
Haymitch crossed his arms in front of his chest, waiting to feel the relief it would come once he knew the truth. It still didn't come. He breathed out slowly.
"So you knew?" He asked. "About the cups?"
She opened her eyes again. "No, how would I know about that?" She huffed. "Oh, this is a mess. No, Haymitch, honestly. Do you think I would let myself be inseminated by some man who masturbated in my friend's bathroom? That is really unsanitary. No, that was just something Flavius came up with for the party. I would have done the procedure the following day. They had the embryos ready, all five of them. With the right eggs and the right semen. At the clinic."
"So—"
"I did not do the procedure," she revealed, running her fingers through her hair. "I kept thinking about what you had said about… carbon copies, and that I just wanted a child to cope and make sure she got her life right when mine was wrong. I just—I decided not to do it, and I didn't. I had been ready and you just completely freaked me out."
Haymitch started at her blankly. She did not do the procedure. Even if he had switched the cups, she did not do the procedure.
"I'm sorry. I tried to tell you over the years," she continued. "I called that one time when I found out—I had just found out. I took a pharmacy test," she sniffed, and he noticed she was on the verge of tears now. Her cheeks were flushed. She was ashamed. "It was positive. We had sex that night, Haymitch, and I knew it was you, there was no one else. And I—I freaked out. I didn't know what to do. So I called you, and you were drunk, and I—I wanted to tell you when you weren't. But then I kept postponing it."
Haymitch gulped. "So she's my kid. And you've always known."
"You had made it clear you did not want children," she stated. "You made that clear years ago. You said it yourself you could not have kids, but this went completely against all odds."
"You were in a treatment. Fuck. We were so stupid," he mentally kicked himself. Five years ago. Damn it. He should have stopped thinking with his dick for a second.
"And when I brought my project to you, you were so disdainful, and so uninterested," Effie continued. "That day, when I called, you had asked if I had called the father yet, and made jokes about it being such a dreadful call. I just—I couldn't do it."
Haymitch paced around the kitchen. He barely remember that conversation on the phone. Effie remained in her place. He rubbed at his eyes.
"Why didn't you tell me when you came here? That one time, when you were pregnant."
"I wanted to," she replied. "I did! But you were—you had bags full of liquor, Haymitch. I had long accepted that I'd be raising Amabella alone, and I wanted to tell you, but I didn't want—I'm sorry, but I was having a baby, Haymitch, and you—"
"I was just a drunkard who gave you his sperm," he concluded. He stopped pacing right then. "Fuck, Effie. Fuck!"
"It wasn't like that, Haymitch," she said softly. He looked at her with fierce eyes. "I didn't plan it, it just happened."
"Fuck," he shook his head. "Were you ever going to tell me? When she turned eighteen, maybe? When I was dying, or something?"
"I was going to tell you after the wedding. I was!" she added at his disbelieving face. "I was going to let you know the truth so we could see what to do about this, because she has been asking—"
"Now you want my input?" Haymitch spat. "Thought you only wanted that when my dick was inside you that night."
"Haymitch, please lower your voice," Effie asked, looking at the door worriedly. "Amabella does not know anything. I only want what's best for her."
"You sure that's having me as a dad?"
"No, Haymitch. I am not sure," she said firmly. "Just like I was not sure of what to do when we slept together that first time years ago, or the time after that, or the time after that. Just like I was not sure if you would ever rescue me when I was imprisoned. Just like I was not sure you would ever want to see me again until you showed up at that government party. I never know with you, Haymitch."
"I'm not drinking anymore," he stated.
"Now. Peeta told me you stopped a few months ago, but is it going to last?" Effie asked. "You have to understand. She's just a little girl. Judge me all you want but I didn't want my child around an alcoholic!"
Haymitch snorted. "That's rich, coming from you. I didn't choose the names of all those kids who died. At least I only drank!"
Effie gasped. The house felt entirely too silent. She was closing her eyes. He saw the hurt in her expression then and there and couldn't bring himself to comfort her.
"Fuck, Effie," he repeated, kicking the wall in anger and not even feeling the pain in his foot. He kicked one of the chairs. "Fuck!"
"Will you stop that?" Effie yelled. "Nothing's going to change if you don't want it to change, Haymitch! For God's sake, just stop!" that made him pause. He pursed his lips. Tears had smeared her makeup now. "I just—I want her to be happy. I didn't want her to be heartbroken when you forgot a birthday or were too drunk to play with her or just didn't want anything to do with her. And maybe it would have been different, maybe it was a mistake, but I didn't want you to break her heart when you broke mine so many times before."
"So this is all on me, isn't it?" he asked in disbelief. She let out a humorless laugh now.
"You are unbelievable. And you wonder why I never told you!" she sniffed. "I'm not asking anything of you. I just want what's best for her. When you have cleared your mind, we will talk about this."
"What else is there to talk about?" Haymitch asked as she opened the door to leave. "You gave up some other child of ours during the Games that I never heard about?"
"Just stop, Haymitch," her tone was soft now. "Stop, before you say something you'll regret. We've both done enough of that."
He was not done, and he would say more if he hadn't seen Annie and the two children peering at them from the living room door, right across the dining room. He closed his mouth just as Amabella came running towards them, Effie hugging her fiercely. He mentally cursed at himself for being too loud — he was still trying to get his head around everything, and the fact that they might have had an audience did not help.
"Mommy, why are you sad?" Amabella asked in a tiny voice, and one look at her was enough for him to know she was close to tears as well.
"It's nothing. Mommy is happy to see you, that's all," Effie kissed her cheek and lifted her up. Haymitch was pained to see the bright, familiar smile towards her daughter — their daughter. It reminded him of how practiced and fake her smiles used to be. "We're going back to help Peeta with dinner. Annie, thank you for looking after her."
Annie barely nodded before Effie had fled through the back door, barely even glancing at him. He ran his fingers through his hair in frustration and left the kitchen to the corridor, cursing at himself when he saw that Johanna was standing in front of the stairs, looking at him questioningly. Luckily, she knew better than to say anything, because he simply walked past her and left his house at once.
He needed a fucking drink.
He ignored the reporters as he left the village and walked hurriedly into town, grateful for the air, grateful that people here knew better than to just talk to him. He barely thought as his feet took him straight to the nearest bar, and Thom greeted him in surprise because he hadn't stepped foot in the place in nearly six months. He ignored the looks from the bar's customers and ordered a glass of whiskey. There was some hesitance on part of the young man, but one stern look from Haymitch was enough for him to start moving and serve him a drink.
A/N: Lots of drama in this chapter! Did you like it? Let me know your thoughts!
Next chapter: it's the wedding day and Haymitch and Effie still have much to talk about.