"Make it stop," Greed growled, his voice thick and slurred from sleep.

He heard Envy grunt, arm batting around blindly and knocking stuff off the nightstand before they finally got a hold of the blaring telephone.

"What?" They didn't sound pleased to be awoken from their slumber too, apparently. "Ugh... alright... put 'em through." There was a pause in which Greed heard Envy taking a deep breath and sitting up in the king size bed. Just when he thought he might be able to lull himself back to oblivion, the conversation picked up again.

"Yeah," Envy said. Then a pause. "Yeah. Okay." Another pause. "What? How?!" This time the pause was longer. "Wait, wait, slow down. There's a bunch of guys from Xing now? What the actual fuck, Wrath?"

Ah, of course. That explained it all.

"Well don't ask me. What would they want with Gluttony?" Envy hummed for a moment and Greed finally accepted that sleep was not in the cards anymore so, resigned, he opened his eyes and rolled to look at Envy.

They were in their favorite form, as usual, and Greed decided that it looked especially captivating when they were freshly roused, sitting there all naked and covered only partially in a silky black sheet, youthful little face scrunched up testily and their long hair even wilder than usual. Greed felt himself getting hard just looking at Envy. The bedroom of "Crown"'s penthouse smelled of sex and expensive alcohol gone stale from last night.

To Greed that was pretty much an aphrodisiac.

Envy didn't notice the way he was eating them up with his stare, or they didn't care.

Apparently Wrath had their attention now. The fucking runt.

"Ugh, of course he is," Envy huffed indignantly. "Well alright then," they sighed. "Greed and I will figure something out," they blew a dangling strand of dark hair off their face, "Yeah, yeah, we got a car. Yep," they popped their thin lips. "Whose was it, by... oh, General Raven?" They cackled. "The guy's a sycophant, you'll handle him. Yeah, okay. We'll get Gluttony back in no time."

Envy hung the phone up and fell on the bed with a dramatic groan, not caring that the back of their head hit Greed right in the stomach and he grunted in pain. Would have been funny if he had had the Ultimate Shield up, teach the little brat a lesson.

"So, who was it?" he asked wryly, a hand creeping down to play with Envy's hair.

"Very funny," they rolled their eyes up at him. "Gluttony's gotten in trouble. Wrath says we gotta rescue him."

"Yeah, no, that's not happening," Greed was going to nip this in the bud. "I'm not his errand boy."

"What's with you and him anyways?" Envy sounded mildly annoyed.

"You mean besides him getting lucky in one fight and killing my possessions?"

"Ugh, you and your possessions crap..." Envy suddenly sat up, scrutinizing him under their purple gaze. "Well, Gluttony is your brother, isn't he? And Lust was your sister?"

Greed frowned, "What has Lust got to do with this?"

"Oh, nothing much," Envy shrugged. "Except that the guy who's got Gluttony? Yeah, same shitbag who killed Lust. That's right," Envy laughed at him when his eyes widened and a ferocious snarl bared his fangs. "Apparently Mustang's gunning for us now. Wrath said he used some Xingese goons to abduct Gluttony," they leaned over Greed's torso, "Are you gonna let him walk all over us just because you're still sore about some small spat and a gang of chimeras?" Envy got even closer, lips almost touching his, "The Greed I know, the Greed who had the balls to stand up to Father for a century, the Greed who..." they purred, rubbing their small nose on his and smiling wickedly against his suddenly dry mouth, "... fucked me halfway into a coma last night... would never let some upjumped alchemist get away with any of this... Is that Greed here and now?" He felt a dainty hand cupping his stiff bulge through the sheets, "Or does little old me has to go and save the fat idiot all by myself?"

A few hours later, as he was driving down a muddy road surrounded by miles upon miles of fucking forest, Greed decided that his cock was not that good at making decisions.

Envy had played him like a fiddle.

Which didn't change the fact that they had a point.

This Roy Mustang was getting on his nerves. He hadn't even met the guy yet, but once the old man was done with him Greed was gonna miss the Flame Alchemist like a toothache.

What a pity that he was not allowed to kill their precious sacrifices. He was almost tempted to just fuck it all, murder the shit out of Mustang and let Father find another candidate. It's not like there weren't any other State Alchemists around.

Nah.

Play it cool for now. Plenty of chances later.

"Relax, stupid," Envy snickered next to him, "You're gonna break the steering wheel."

"I don't like it when people take my stuff," Greed grumbled.

"I didn't know you cared so much about Gluttony."

"I don't give a shit about Gluttony," Greed took the incoming turn sharply and angrily. This car was not made for the woods and it showed. "It's a matter of principle."

"That's the spirit," Envy cackled, then they leaned forward to take a better look at the road and animatedly yelled, "Here! Turn right here!"

"Are you sure this time?" Greed griped but did as Envy wanted all the same.

It wasn't like he had a better idea.

By the time the two Homunculi left "Crown", the afternoon was well on its way. Apparently, after a couple of days and nights filled with nothing but fun and fucking, Greed and Envy had managed to sleep through some impressive crap.

Wrath and Gluttony had been ambushed by Mustang's new Xingese buddies... and apparently the fight hadn't been nearly as one-sided as it might have been expected. At the same time the Elric brats had faced some Ishvalan serial killer who targeted State Alchemists (a long story for another time, Envy claimed). Somehow it had all gotten mixed up or something and it had ended with Gluttony captured by Mustang's woman and the new guys.

Greed supposed that you had to have been there to make sense of it because otherwise it sounded borderline absurd. In any case, Wrath had been sure that the Flame Alchemist was the mastermind behind the whole thing.

The problem was that nobody was sure where they had taken Gluttony.

The best Wrath's spies and lapdogs' intel – if you could even call it that – could accomplish was point them at a rough direction in the outskirts of Central.

Like that was any help.

It was already dark and they still had made no progress to speak of. There was no way to just stumble upon them by chance in the middle of a goddamned forest, right?

"There!" Envy cried, "See?"

Well what do you know. There's no way that there's no way.

Tire tracks in the mud. Going deeper into the woods.

Greed grinned as his foot pushed on the gas.

When they saw the cabin shit was already going down. Half of the house was missing. Just gone. Gluttony's work, most like.

Just as they got to the meadow another car was screeching off and roared away. Greed blinked in confusion as the two vehicles drove past each other. An old fellow with a grumpy expression was behind the wheel, next to him was a tall black-haired man who looked to be in pain, and in the back sat a blonde woman with a grim face. She seemed to be holding a person who was laying on the seat next to her, but they were gone before he could spot any further details. The last Greed saw of them was how the black-haired man craned his upper body through the window to look back at them with narrowed eyes as their vehicle sped off in the direction Greed and Envy had come through.

"That was Mustang!" Envy exclaimed.

"Question is, where is Gluttony..." Greed murmured as he debated internally whether to make a turn and go in pursuit. If they were running away, then Gluttony was probably alive and well, after all.

Then a section of the forest around them simply imploded and disappeared with an alchemical crackle and a whoosh as if even the air was suddenly sucked in and an inhuman screech echoed into the night.

"MUSTAAAAAAANG!"

"Nevermind," Greed said nonchalantly and hit the brake.

They got out and ran into the freshly made clearing and, sure enough, there was Gluttony.

Oh crap.

He had lost control over the false Gate inside his belly. The Eye was spinning madly in its orbit, and a gruesome maw of separated ribs gaped around a black hole of such frantic voraciousness that it was a disservice to call it mere hunger.

Nothing good ever came of this sight.

Greed's little brother was surrounded by the Elrics and a slim boy that seemed Xingese and held a curved sword. He was the first to spot the new arrivals.

"And just who are you two? I've sensed this multiplicity before..." His slanty eyes squinted at them as the alchemist brothers focused their attention on the new arrivals. "How many people do you have inside you, Homunculi?"

What? These guys could sense them now? What else had Greed slept through?

"The big one's called Greed," Fullmetal said gruffly, his amber eyes narrowed and hostile. "The girly one's Envy, I think."

"I see the theme now," the Xingese boy smirked as he casually lifted his sword up. He was brave. Greed could appreciate an attitude like this.

Envy laughed next to him, "Nice one, Fullmetal Pipsqueak," they crowed, "You look a little worse for wear since the laboratory, though." And since Dublith too. The kid had lost his red coat and his blonde head was wrapped in a dirty bandage. Apparently the fight against the Ishvalan earlier today had not been kind to him.

But not enough to make him any less of a short fuse because suddenly he rushed forward at Envy, all fury and unintelligible yelling.

"Brother, no!" the armor-kid shouted.

Too late.

"Dammit!" Fullmetal yelled, hilariously pissed off beyond reason, "I told you before, DON'T CALL ME THAT!"

He tried to land a running punch at Envy but they nimbly dodged it and spun away. And before the kid could get his bearings, Greed suddenly reached and grabbed his automail arm, twisting it behind Fullmetal's back with a painful metallic creak. Locking the shoulder joint from behind, Greed casually applied enough pressure to make the hotheaded boy cry out.

"Ed!" the Xingese guy moved to aid him but Gluttony swatted him away and he crashed into the nearby bushes.

"I'd like to see you perform a transmutation now," Greed gloated as he twisted Fullmetal's wrist further, making it absolutely impossible for the boy to reach back and clap his palms together, "Now," he said in a louder voice, "I want everyone to relax and not do anything stupid like shorty over here," the blonde boy trashed angrily in his grip but it was no use, Greed had him well in hand, "We're only here to get Gluttony so let's go and call it a day, eh?"

"Greed, Envy," the fat fuck sounded confused like a child, "Mustang was here, Mustang killed Lust, I…"

"You don't get to eat Mustang," Envy informed him irritably, "Or the Elrics, so just shut up and come along now."

Exactly as Envy said this, Fullmetal decided to smash his head into Greed's chin.

Damn, what was this kid's head made of? Rocks?

Greed's vision swam and he stumbled backwards, involuntarily releasing the young alchemist from the arm lock.

"So you really aren't allowed to kill us, huh?" Greed didn't see it fit to deign that with an answer as he shook his head to clear it up. "Ling!" He heard Fullmetal shout and looked up as the Xingese kid emerged from the bushes. "I know how to take care of this moron, you and Al get Envy and Gluttony!"

He raised his hands to make the ring and trigger a transmutation that no doubt promised nothing good, but the Homunculi were faster than him. Or any other human, for that matter.

Edward Elric had indeed figured out a way to bypass the Ultimate Shield through some clever, cowardly alchemy tricks last time they fought, back in Dublith. It wasn't fatal for Greed as he could still come back from any injury he sustained, but it made progress annoyingly slow. It was safe to assume that his meek brother was in on it by now as well.

But the kid from Xing wasn't. He wasn't even an alchemist since he needed a sword to fight.

So, without even needing to speak, Greed and Envy dove in past each other just as Fullmetal was pressing his hands to the ground and the earth rumbled as a portion of it was forcibly transmuted into a wall of mud that separated the clearing in two.

Envy tackled Fullmetal down as his armored brother rushed at Gluttony, and that was the last Greed saw of them as he lunged toward the Xingese kid on the other side of the earthen wall, clawed hands and forearms covered in the shiny Ultimate Shield.

"So who are you, kiddo?" Greed sneered at the boy as he swiped almost playfully at him. He swung his body out of the way and answered with a quick slash of his sword that clanged uselessly against the Ultimate Shield when Greed blocked the blow with his forearm.

"You're talking to Ling Yao, future Emperor of Xing, Homunculus," Greed swiftly evaded a slash aimed at his chest by bending his waist back before strafing to the left and trying to swipe again at his opponent's sword arm but his armored claws met the flat of the blade as Ling made a deft parry. "And I'm not a kiddo."

"Oh, really?" Greed suddenly rushed under the swing that came at his head, getting in Ling's space and landing a light kick against the boy's stomach that sent him staggered back, his footing lost. "I've never killed a prince before," he shrugged casually before pouncing towards Ling, claws stretched forth and ready to rend.

After all, Mustang and the Elrics might be untouchable... for now... but nobody had said anything about the Xingese. He didn't even need the full-on Ultimate Shield to take this bozo on.

And it made the fight more fun.

But as it turned out, he was in for a surprise when the princeling rolled backwards, feet over head, and thrust his sword forth as he crouched back up.

Pain erupted in Greed's middle as his own momentum impaled him on Ling's blade.

Damn, the kid was not half bad.

Red lightning crackling and sizzling around the wound, Greed grunted and grabbed the sword in one hand, holding it and its wielder in place. "So I take it you're the one who foiled Wrath, huh?" He could feel blood dripping down his chin and his stomach felt like it was burning, but he managed to grab at Ling's throat with his other hand, "That alone makes me like you, kid, but you should really stop with this nonsense and give up."

The stubborn jackass let the sword go instead, still sticking out of Greed's body, somehow batted the hand that was flying at his throat away and kicked his jaw up with a backflip that sent him safely off from Greed's reach. Letting out a loud "Oooof!" Greed fell on the ground.

That's it, fuck it. As soon as he got that fucking sword out of his belly Greed was covering all of himself up with the Ultimate Shield, thrill and fair fighting be damned, and ripping Ling Yao apart.

"You're the third Homunculus I have fought today, Greed," the kid said as Greed slowly sat up, purple eyes angry and murderous now. "And you all make the same mistake by underestimating humans."

"Yeah, well, call it an occupational hazard," Greed groused, managing to finally get the Xingese blade out and snapped the steel in two with his armored claws as his wound healed itself. "But I'm done playing, kiddo."

He got up and let the carbon armor wash over his whole body with an alchemical gleam.

Just as he was ready to end Ling and go to collect Envy and Gluttony on the other side of the barricade that Fullmetal had transmuted, the large, metal form of Alphonse Elric burst flying out of the earthen wall and he crashed right into Greed.

The two tumbled down in a tangle of armored limbs and Greed heard the other Elric frantically cry out, "Al?! Are you okay?"

"Yes, brother," the child-like voice gave Greed the creeps just like it had back in Dublith when it echoed in the hollow metal suit, but his smidgen of sympathy for the boy was cut short when he felt a hard elbow knocking into his face. The blow was mostly absorbed by the Ultimate Shield, but it was still annoying.

Greed growled and threw Alphonse off just in time to see Envy leaping through the hole the armored boy had unintentionally made with his body. They rushed past Ling's side and swept the kid's leg from under him with a contemptuous cackle.

He dropped on the ground and even though he immediately struggled to stand on one knee, Greed saw that Ling was right in the sights of Gluttony's false Gate on the other side of the wall.

"GO FOR IT, GLUTTONY!" Envy shouted triumphantly, excited that someone was gonna die tonight.

"Ling!" Fullmetal vaulted through the hole as well and shoved his Xingese buddy out of the way...

... Only now he was the one standing where he really shouldn't have.

Envy moved first, desperately trying to push the human sacrifice away.

Greed was there only a fraction of a second later, only his target wasn't Fullmetal. Envy, the hotheaded little idiot, was putting themselves in danger too.

Unacceptable. Greed had no idea if a Homunculus was going to die if Gluttony devoured them, but he had no intention of waiting to see. Not after Lust.

He reached forward as he jumped towards Envy. Just a few more inches...

"Brother!" He heard Alphonse yell.

Too late.

Too fucking late.

Time seemingly stopped and all Greed could hear was the booming whoosh of imploding air as Envy and Edward were both caught in the blast from the false Gate.

Then the Eye fixed on him too and suddenly there was only blackness.

This is, of course, based on the fight scene in Episode 24, only this time with Greed's involvement and from a villanous POV.

In this AU Ling was not swallowed by Gluttony... but Greed was, and this will make for a different dynamic inside Gluttony's belly where Ed will be on his own with Greed and Envy.