Shepard moved, purposefully from the bridge toward the gym, some were doing their basic exercises and some watched her take over the treadmill available. But none dared to approach, the commander hasn't been acting like herself and the crew knew it. Some supposed it's different than what they see on the vids, but others know the truth. The Commander isn't here; just Jane and Jane needed to run right now.

After finishing on the treadmill Jane stepped off not really caring how others saw her. Face red, breathing heavily, and sweating more than a sinner in church. It was only after she went through the required after run stretches that she plopped down and began to wipe the sweat off. There she sat a few paces from the treadmill as another solider took over the machine. All the while Jane sat just staring at the metal ground breathing, counting her breaths.

This was how Kaiden found her. He knew the signs of a bad night, having many of them himself throughout his life. In truth his heart broke to see Jane like that. Noticing that Vega was approaching Jane, Kaiden decided it best to hang back and watch from afar just in case he needed to step in.

Vega marched up to Shepard and gave a smile to his commanding officer. She looked like she needed a distraction, and Vega was good at being distracting.

"What happened, Lola? Did the treadmill kick your flat ass?" Vega asked in his usual happy tone

Shepard picked up her head to glare at Vega. Not really giving him an answer but trying to scare him away. Of course the large marine never took note of the look and began to speak again. "I need a sparring buddy, you game?"

Kaiden's ears picked up at that, 'A sparring match. No that will put her back in her own head. But supervising…that ought to force her out into the real world.' The biotic thought to himself before moving toward them and slapping his hand on Vega's back.

"I don't think you could give the commander a good fight. But maybe she would be willing to supervise your match and give your sorry ass some pointers." Kaiden said with a smirk and a look toward Shepard.

"Oh and will I be fighting you, Major?"

"Why not? I could use it."

After that brief exchange Shepard stood up and stared at the two of them. "Fine, I'll be happy to point out where you boys need work." She grumbled and shouldered past the two men and toward the sparring ring.

For the rest of the hour one would hear Shepard shouting out different commands like;

"Move your feet Vega!" and "Kaiden quit giving him love taps, Hit Him!"

But all the while through the exercise not once did Shepard think back to her dreams, or her grief. At least for now she was back. However that distraction can't last forever and once the match was over, the distraction went with it.

I threw a towel on my head taking long gulps of water; Vega had kicked my ass pretty well for a kid. I was watching Jane, how she stood so perfectly still. I thought perhaps getting out of her head would help her. And it did, but only for the immediate the second it was gone she was right back to it. At that I couldn't help but feel like I failed her, like I had so many times before. Noticing the amount of people in the makeshift gym I decided to get her away from them. Not just so I could speak with her but for company morale as well. It wouldn't be good for anyone to see their commanding officer in a depressed state, especially with the nature of this war. So I stood moved over to Jane and placed my hand gently on her shoulder. She jumped at the contact obviously not expecting it. When she turned to me I shrugged "C'mon, let's get out of here. The rest of the crew actually needs their gym time." She didn't argue or resist when I led her out. I hated that, it wasn't like her at all.

Once we were out I thought of where to take her, the lounge wasn't the best idea with alcohol being so close by. But I didn't have to think long when we reached the crew deck she just when straight toward the starboard observation deck. Once we entered the room she just sat on the floor in front of the large window staring at the stars. I relaxed and sat down near her, but far enough to give us some space. For a long moment we just sat in silence which was fine with me, as it reminded me of those nights when she couldn't sleep and we'd just stay up staring at the galaxy passing by. I scoffed and rubbed my neck with my towel, God how I missed those nights now.

It was Janie that broke the silence first, "I should be better at this." She murmured and all I could do was watch her, wondering what she meant. Noting my confused expression she spoke again, clarifying. "I should be better at losing people, dealing with it."

I bowed my head looking to the ground and sighed "It's never easy Janie." I said in a low tone reminding her of the truth.

"Yeah, but I've gone through it so much I should be better at it by now." She ran a hand through her red hair and kept it there to cover her face. "I just…I can't stop running." She whispered out, and I could hear her voice crack under the words.

"Janie, I get it. I ran from everything for a long time when I lost you. I ran from the crew, from everyone that cared about me." I trailed off only to see her shake her head.

"No, I literally can't stop running. Those inky shapes follow me in my head. I can't get away from them no matter how much I run." I had to strain to hear her, because she was whispering and speaking so lowly. I watched her cringe and grip her hair tightly "Damn headache won't go away." She growled out and I moved closer to her to place a hand on her shoulder. To say I was worried was a vast understatement. I tried to comfort her but I didn't know what to do, I doubt anyone would.

After a few moments of silence Janie's grip on her hair loosened and finally dropped her hand to stare into space once again, without being hindered by her hand over her face. I could only watch her. There was nothing that could take my focus off her right now. "Kaiden, do you think that…that I'm me?"

I was taken aback by that question, "What do you mean Janie?" I shifted closer so I wouldn't have to strain to hear her answer.

Slowly she raised her hands and stared at them thoughtfully. "What if…if I just think I'm Jane Shepard? What if Cerberus fucked something up inside me? I'm mostly a machine now, what if they are controlling me, watching me?" Her breathing started to increase as she stared at her hands, I could see it the panic rising. "Or what if this is all a lie, I'm just locked up somewhere in a Cerberus program and it's all a simulation to see what I do? What if I'm not real?"

I couldn't take it, to see my strong Janie doubting herself I reached out and surrounded her in a tight hug.

"You are real Janie, just like I'm real and I'm here." I whispered to her ear, but she countered just as quickly as I responded. "You said you couldn't trust me, because of Cerberus. What if you were right?"

I won't lie; to have my anger filled words thrown back in my face I hated it. But I took the hit, for her. "I was wrong Janie, I was angry. Just like you are right now, you were gone. I just couldn't accept that you were back. I thought it had to be a trick, but I was wrong Janie."

We both stayed silent for a long moment before she pulled away and I moved as well.

"But what if they fucked with my head? What if the cybernetics isn't just keeping me going but…what if they are watching me?" She looked so scared at that idea, I had to calm her. It was like an instinct for me.

I held her face in my hands and stared into her terrified green eyes. "Your head is fine. And if they are watching you through them, then I bet they are terrified of you. Let them watch you destroy the Reapers and defy them at every turn." I tried to sound convincing, confident. And it seemed to work, as the terrified look went away.

I relaxed as well and pulled my hands away, trying to ignore the urge to embrace her again. To hold her close and never let this woman go again. But I couldn't do that to her, not now she was in pain. I needed to quell this urge.

Thankfully EDI's calm voice interrupted us. "Shepard, you are needed in the war room."

I watched her sigh in recognition of her duties, the war and the situation all forcing itself back into focus. But that was war, and that's what we trained for. As I watched her leave the room I heard her soft "Bye." But I remained seated and began to stare at the stars once again.

I trembled slightly; I hadn't gotten to hold her since before she died. She still felt the same, strong and soft all at once. A smile spread on my face maybe there was hope, maybe we could get back together, and maybe everything would be just fine. But my replay of our conversation caused those happy thoughts to fade. I thought on what she whispered. 'Inky shapes, headaches and paranoia.' I mulled over those points and worry replaced my hopeful demeanor. This wasn't normal grief, and that terrified me. I stared at the stars trying to beg the cosmos that my Janie would be okay. But I'm starting to think that's a wish that will never come true.