Preparations, it always takes forever to finish them. I can't stand standing still anymore. Thankfully I won't have to for long. Getting everything set for the Geth Dreadnaught was a headache. Talk talk and more talk, those admirals talk more than Mordin does. Well more than he did. 'Gotta get used to those past tenses Shepard.' My mind sneers at my slip, everything has been turning against me. Even my own mind. I shake my head and slap on the last bit of armor before making my way up to the cockpit, I give a nod to EDI and Joker as I enter their domain. Quietly I slip my helmet on, letting myself slip into that familiar sense of calm before a mission. "Take us in Joker." I give the order and watch as he does his magic. But he wouldn't be Joker without a quip "Stealth drive engaged. Only way they'll hear us is if you all start singing the Russian National Anthem." His bright eyes look back, almost pleading for some typical banter. I don't have the head for this right now, I haven't for a while now. As I make my way down to the team I'm taking through I see Kaidan and Tali talking quietly before I join the two.
"Alright. Once were on board we find whatever is broadcasting the Reaper signal and shut it down." The two of them nod and I take another moment to ground myself, and try to ignore the headache behind my eyes.
Over the intercom I hear EDI advise of a problem. 'Shit. This needs to get done.' I look to my teammates and for a moment I want to say to abort the mission. But I push through that thankfully. "Too risky for the whole team. I'll secure the docking area. Everyone else can follow me over." My tone clipped and fast before either can speak I've left, with what I hope comes out with a confident air "Hang tight this will just be a minute." When I reach the doors, the ones that protect me from that all consuming space just on the other side I can feel the panic well up inside me. Dark and fast, for a moment I can almost see shadowy figures before me. I shake my head and instead focus on my mag boots, checking them once more. 'I'm prepared. This is not like last time.' I silently remind myself before the doors lift and I'm out, in space once again.
I knew I'd be walking outside…out there again. I work hard to remember the key points, 'Control your breathing.' I ordered myself, when that order failed I forced myself to breathe in for 5 seconds, hold for 4 seconds and exhale for 5. Slowly I felt myself breath again, in a more rational manner. As I made the first steps I focused on where my foot was going. 'One foot in front of the other Shepard.' I tried to keep myself calm, it wasn't working I shut my eyes for a moment hoping the controlled darkness would calm my nerves. But the second I did I could see those inky shapes again, they are starting to haunt in me in my waking moments now. Hearing my team's voices in my ears takes me out of that dark place and I turn to look at the planet. I look at the one thing Tali and her people have been fighting for, I've heard her voice wavering when she talks about her homeworld. I know she needs some help to find motivation and so I speak, with as collected a voice as I can muster. "Hey Tali, you'd like the view." I comment hoping she can't hear the fear in my voice. I can't believe the images flashing before my eyes, the last time I saw a planet on the outside of my ship. 'It was – is beautiful, right before it starts to suffocate you.' I think darkly and can feel my body seek out more air, fear has made me feel that I can't breathe. I focus on the air filling my lungs, with a much more strained voice I speak again. "EDI, How's my oxygen?" I ask in a quiet voice, hoping everyone doesn't hear my question. I hear her voice ping on the communication channel "All stable commander." I hear the comforting statement as I continue my walk, forcing myself to face the exact thing that killed me before – space. 'I'm stable…the oxygen's stable, this isn't like before. You got this Jane. Keep pushing!' It's my thoughts forcing me through my movements with effort I focus only on my body and my task at hand – a trick He taught me. I can hear the soft whine from my electronics, the heavy thump of my foot on the wreckage. Staying focused on slowly making my way through the field I'm momentarily shocked when I hear Tali's voice ping in my ears. "How are you doing Shepard?"
I know she's asking because she cares, and she's asking about the current mission. But all I want to scream is NO! I'm not okay! But I'm still in control of my actions at least. "The lack of gravity is disorienting." I offer the half-truth 'Disorienting, nauseating, terrifying, what other bad feeling do you want?' She offers an attempt to comfort me, reminding me that this is temporary and I will soon reach the other side – a battle field. Although listening to Tali and Joker banter over the com channel helps to calm my nerves. I can see the doors, the finish line. But my calm is shattered when the wreckage breaks apart and for a moment I see nothing but space, feel that familiar burning in my lungs. I hold my breath and look to my feet firmly attached to the metal connected to the ship. With fearful eyes, I turn to watch the hunk of metal I thought of as, so stable, secure, and safe. Once again the universe rips something away from me, and for a moment I can see myself drifting away just like that hunk of metal. 'You're not drifting. Your feet are connected to the ship; you are not dying.' I remind myself and force my mind to focus on the mission. "Guess the team isn't using the docking tube now." I say sardonically as I look over to the SR2. I frown hearing Joker offer me to take on the dreadnought on my own. "Not if I can help it." I quip back and command Tali to find another tube, so I can let the boarding party in. Although taking on the mission myself is appealing, if I did I'm sure Garrus will have something to say about that. I can feel my face twist into a snarl as I remember our last interaction.
Quietly as I can I make my way inside and I'm happy to feel gravity again, I comment as such to Tali. Carefully I listen to her instructions on finding another way in and question her about the other Admirals. When I find the terminal I'm almost sad that I didn't find any enemies. With the amount of nervous energy pent up I could use a punching bag. Quickly the door opens and I see my team; it's strange seeing Kaidan walk through with Tali. If I let myself I could almost think that we were still chasing Saren. The three of us taking down some Geth, I don't think anyone could blame me. But that's not us anymore, it's not that simple anymore. An inky shadow trails Kaidan as he walks towards me, I look to Tali about to shout out a warning but she walks right through it. 'I'm going crazy.' I can feel my mouth dry, my breathing increase and I quickly turn from the sight. Geth…we are fighting the Geth, not phantoms. 'Not real. Not real.' I chant to myself as we make our way through the ship from terminal to terminal. The inky shape changes and moves from shadow to shadow 'It's watching me…I knew I was being watched.' Kaidan's words come back to me now, and they are welcome 'Let them watch. Hope they get like being scared.' I can almost hear a growl in my mind and I'm not sure if it's my own anymore.
Enemies! Finally my focus can stay on survival, on carnage. When we are down to the last one I fling myself forward and relish as my blue fist collides with the Geth as the unit falls. I turn to see my teammates behind me before I keep moving forward. I'm not going to let myself get pulled into their worried faces, I'm going to take down this Reaper signal. I'm going to defy the odds, I'm going to be the Shepard everyone thinks I am. The Quarians need us to complete this mission. "How are the Quarians doing?" Kaidan asks and I can hear Tali lament for her people. I need her motivated not lamenting "They just need to hold out for a little while longer, let's take down the signal and turn the tables on these bastards." I growl out and move taking on a Geth Hunter.
Again we advance and Tali gets into the operations center. The Signal can't be taken down here…and for a moment I want to lose my temper but Tali continues "It's in the drive core!" Quickly a plan is devised and we move forward. The main battery is our best route. It's just like old times, the Geth trying to kill us and the three of us defying them at every turn. I can feel a smile spread across my face, and I'm glas my helmet hides my expression from my team. They might catch onto how crazy I actually am. Inky Shadows keep following us through the maze that is this ship. Taking cover, I can feel the heat from a rocket that soars over my head. Being in a fight is the most alive I've felt in awhile, and I don't want to lose that feeling. Alas all to soon we make it to the drive core, the inky shadows dance around the room, the headache is worse. "This is it, it's defiantly Reaper tech." I snap out and soon the orb in the center of the room expands to show us a shock. Legion. I step back in shock.
"Shepard Commander help us!" The electronic voice implores. Kaidan looks to me in confusion "You're on first name basis with a Geth." I don't spare him a look as I look to Legion "Yeah, lots happened. Legion helped us with the Collectors." And because I can hear his apprehension I want to add 'when you wouldn't' but I hold my tongue. Legion, calm as ever tells us on how the signal is being broadcasted through him, and how to release him. "We're getting it out." I snap at my team and set about unshackling Legion. When we make it to the terminal and free Legion Tali wastes no time in alerting her people. I can hear their thankful words "We are in your debt." I can't help the smirk on my face 'Yes you are Admiral…and I intend to collect.' I promise myself happy to see that even if I'm crazy I can still complete a mission. I watch as Legion falls to the platform below and the drive core blinks out. I hear Legion tell us the drive core is out, and the weapons offline, but I can also hear the thumps of more Geth coming. But I'm happy the shadows have decreased and the headache is not as intense. I can think again and I gladly head into the fire fight before me. It's not long until we are making a mad dash as the ship is starting to blow. "Double time people!" I shout as we keep running despite the explosions happening left and right. The inky shadows are just as fast, but when I get into the pod with my team their gone. I can hear Joker over the coms and I sit trying to get my breathing back under control. Looking about the pod I don't see any of those shadows. I'm grateful, but I miss them too. With a sigh I resign myself as I realize I'll see them in my dreams again tonight.
The fight is not over, but at least a crazy Shepard can still lead the flock.
A/N: (Thank you for your patience, I am working on this story. I have not abandoned it. By the way can anyone guess whats going on with Shepard? Love to hear your theories. And thank you to those who have reviewed. I hope I can keep making good content for this story, and I hope you all are enjoying reading it as I am writing it.)