AN: Hope this chapter finds you well. I have not and will not abandon this story. There is a lot planned so stay tuned. Also, it seems that I really like to write about space themed fandoms.
Being inside a Geth Dreadnought was not a place Kaiden ever thought he would be. But then again being on Shepard's ship typically meant being someplace you never thought you would be - probably being shot at in the process. 'Doing the impossible, that's Janie' he thought to himself as he exited the crew showers. As if summoned by his thoughts he looked up to see the redhead sitting at a table in the mess. But something felt wrong with that picture - sure she sat listening to Vega brag on along with some other crew. She looked engaged, but it still felt wrong. That's when he noticed her gaze kept shifting to a single spot.
Catching her line of sight he followed it but only saw the door to the life support room. Nothing else. No one stood there, nothing moved. But still, her eyes kept drifting back again and again. Kaiden easily found his way back to the mess leaning against the wall as he kept a careful eye on his Janie.
It was something he'd always done, thinking back across the years his eyes were always drawn to her. Even if it was against the regs Kaiden couldn't keep his eyes off her. He noticed the slight tick of her brow now, a sign of annoyance. A hand sliding over her left shoulder, over a scar that she probably didn't have anymore. She was uncomfortable. Being so close to her in the past helped to know what these ticks meant, signs to solving the enigma that was Jane Shepard's state of mind.
That knowledge and experience told him that she was not comfortable, that she was preparing for a fight, that she was even afraid. He couldn't let that slide, he needed to check on her or help in some shape or form. He couldn't wait on the sidelines anymore. When the crowd started to disperse, and Janie broke apart from them - that's when he made his move. "How goes it Commander?" He asked as he walked up to her with an easy smile.
Obviously, she wasn't expecting him, as her green eyes widened a fraction before she spoke. "Hey, Kaiden." She shrugged and nodded back to Vega "Just beating some sense into the younger generation." She offered as some answer, falling back on her mask of aloofness. Something Kaiden had experience seeing straight through.
"I heard." He nodded and nodded towards the lounge, "I got some ideas about Rannoch I was wondering if we could go over them away from the high and mighty Admirals." He joked with a shrug. He noticed her nod, but there it was again her eyes shifting towards that damn door once more.
Easily Kaiden pushed himself from the wall before leading her to the lounge. Once they were inside he came to sit on the couch and watched as she walked around the room. After the night she got smashed the marine did his due diligence and learned the importance of that room. He wondered if that was the reason for her gaze getting distracted. It would make sense if her grief was pulling her concentration, as his own had done not so long ago. His own thoughts turned to how he could barely focus on anything after she had died, but she was better now. And he was going to make sure he wouldn't relive that.
While she moved about the room they talked, mostly about the upcoming mission. Talking about the supposed reaper base on the Quarian homeworld was just like old times. When she finally came to a halt, he noticed her gaze continued to pull. But this time to a corner of the room. Once again nothing interesting lay there, nothing moved there. She just couldn't stop checking that same spot and quite frankly it was confusing. Janie never had a problem holding someone's gaze, in fact, she preferred to stare into someone's eyes she used to tell him it was how she knew if someone was lying. And then there was her mention of 'shadows' under her breath. After each time she checked that spot she would shake her head and ask me to remind her where she was. As if she had lost her place and it was no big deal.
Fear seemed to swim in those emerald orbs. It wasn't as if he hadn't seen the fear in her eyes before. She was real and he'd seen fear grip her before. He wondered if she was thinking too much about the Reapers about Earth. That would explain her fear...but, not her concentration. Several times in their conversation he had to repeat himself. It wasn't like her at all.
Taking a subtle look back at the door he confirmed that it was indeed locked. Kaiden shifted his gaze back to the woman in question. "We can't rely on old tactics the Geth have changed how they fight and..." she trailed off and once again her gaze flickered off to the corner.
Frustrated Kaiden decided on a course of action. The two had been standing together talking beside the bar, due to their close proximity it gave him the opportune chance. Quickly he snapped a punch to her shoulder, nothing strong or meant to harm only to get her attention. He had planned on calling out for her inattention. But that was before he found himself prone on the ground with a blue fist raised ready to deal a deadly blow to his head. "Woah!" He called out and raised his hands to show he was no threat. Gently he called out her name hoping to call her back from the fear that seemed to cloud her eyes "Janie."
A blink and then shock took over her features. Clearly, she hadn't known what she was doing. Quickly she backed away from him, scrambling away really. Her breaths came in quickly, probably trying to calm her racing heart. Kaiden raised himself to a seated position as he watched her retreat. "Janie." He called her name again hoping she'd respond to him.
Her breathing stayed rapid while her hands shook. She shook her head and tried to explain it away. "J-just keeping you on your toes Alenko." Her voice stuttering over her words.
Kaiden's brown eyes narrowed at that blatant lie, in a quick move he was standing. He shook his head and advanced towards her quickly encroaching on her space. "Bullshit! Something's going on." He snapped before following up in a softer tone "Let me help." He pleaded her, hating to see how afraid she really was. He hated seeing the fear in those emerald eyes, but it felt cold to see them freeze in fear.
"It's nothing. Forget it." Shepards voice was cold in her command, slipping behind that wall she had used so often as of late.
Her eyes darted away again and trying a new tactic he reached a gentle hand on her shoulder. "Janie-" he began but was quickly cut off by his Janie flinging herself away from his touch.
"Get it the fuck away from me!" it was jarring to hear her scream, but then to see her back away to slam into a wall and begin clawing at her own limbs. That forced Kaiden to action.
Without much thought he launched himself into her, pinning her arms to her sides as he subdued her. She'd have bruises from his hold. And he'd have bruises from her trying to buck him off. But still, he held her. Throughout her frantic actions, he held on "Janie you gotta snap out of it!" He snapped at her hoping she'd come out of this soon.
Apparently, the same deity that listened to the prayers of all those in this war decided to ignore yet another plea. Because this did not end quickly. Two soldiers grappled on the floor. The two gave of blue flares, each trying to use their own abilities to the advantage. Of course, she had the advantage over him, he didn't want to hurt her. But then again he couldn't sit by and watch her fall into this pit and do nothing to stop her.
"I don't want to go back. Get it off me" Her hushed terrified whisper hurt more than any of her attacks on him. At some point in their tussle, he finally had her pinned between his chest and the ground. He quickly dodged her head flailing back to try and attack him. His hands hurt from holding down her own arms. His legs cramped at having to pin hers. It took everything he had to keep her in this position, and he knew he couldn't hold it for long. Whispering in her ear he tried to break through the haze. "Janie. Nothing is going to take you away. I won't let it." His hold tightened as he recalled how she was ripped from his arms before. He wouldn't let that happen again, be it in reality or in her own mind.
Still, she thrashed wildly, trying desperately to get something unseen off of her. "Get it off me! It's going to kill me...I'm going to die. Get it off!" Fear held her fast, throwing caution to the wind she gave voice to her fears at something unseen.
Hearing her cry out in fear hurt him, but knowing that she'd hurt herself if he let go kept his grip steady. "Nothing going to kill you. You're safe." He said this trying to keep his voice level and gentle to her. "I got you, Janie. You're safe." Again and again, he repeated it like a mantra, hoping to clear through the trance, and fog of her mind.
Eventually, she stopped fighting him, and hoping that this was a sign it had stopped he had loosened his grip. But it was a rouse as she bucked and thrashed again breaking his grip on her. He rolled away crumpled in pain at the blows she'd dealt him in her escape. He let out a pitiful cough and reached a hand to her prone form. "Janie. Get out of your head. There's nothing here. Just you and me." He pleaded again hoping beyond hope he'd break through. Even though he'd already tried time and time again he'd keep trying. He wouldn't give up, he'd keep trying to pull her from whatever caused her to be so afraid.
Standing she gasped for air and looked back to Kaiden wide-eyed on the floor. "Janie. You're safe." He tried to assure her, to chase the fear from those gem-like eyes. Instead, the fear stayed as she shook her head. And just like that, she bolted from the lounge.
Kaiden let his body lay flat on the floor as he stared at the ceiling trying to catch his breath. Slowly he shook his head and screwed his eyes shut as he recalled the panic in her voice - panic at something that wasn't there. 'She's hallucinating.' He admitted to himself and it hurt because just like so many times before he was powerless to help the woman he loved.
He had held her, and it had done nothing to quell her fear as it once had before when they held each other at night. His hands curled into fists as he hit the cold floor beneath him. Once again he failed, he couldn't save her when it mattered. He pushed her away when she'd reached out. He'd believed the worst of her. And then in the end even after learning his mistakes...he still couldn't help her. When Kaiden's eyes opened tears swam in their depths, as he recalled their previous conversations. She'd been so afraid of being watched. And now hallucinations. Janie had never suffered them before. And so he let those silent tears fall as he realized just how broken she was. How far down the rabbit hole this all actually went. And he hated it. Absolutely hated it.