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He loves me, he loves me not.

Illumi woke up with those dumb lines from a stupid kids movie running through his head. He went down the stairs. Killua and Gon were asleep in Alluka's room; Leorio and Kurapika on the couch. Although judging by Kurapika's stiffness, he wasn't actually asleep. Probably plotting revenge or whatnot.

Illumi poured himself some coffee. Killua, why? He didn't believe those three idiots mattered more to Killua than he did. He couldn't. It didn't make any sense. Illumi was the one who raised him. Illumi always thought Killua loved him more than anything else in the world.

"Illumi, dear, don't tell him you love him so much," Mother advised. Killua was only about two and Illumi was reading to him. "He'll get spoiled. He's not to be sentimental or he'll be useless to the business."

Illumi enraged his parents only once, and that was when Killua had an exam the next morning to see where he was in schooling. He was four years old and he couldn't sleep because he was worried, and came into Illumi's room, nudging him awake.

"Go back to bed," Illumi told him.

"No."

Illumi rolled over and pretended to be asleep. Maybe that would help Killua learn. If he didn't give into his demands. He couldn't spoil him.

"Illumi." Killua poked him in the shoulder. "Illumi."

Illumi squeezed his eyes shut. And then a thwack. Killua hit him with a pillow. Illumi yelped. He was not expecting that from Killua.

"I can't sleep," Killua said again, thumb in his mouth. Illumi reached out, removing Killua's thumb from his mouth. Mother said he shouldn't still be doing that.

"You're fine," Illumi assured him. "Tests aren't scary. They don't—"

Killua whacked him on the head again with the pillow.

"Stop!"

"I don't want to." Killua raised the pillow again, and Illumi snatched one to block the blow.

Mother and Father heard them laughing. And that was it for them. Mother's words cut Illumi's core. Irresponsible. Foolish. I thought you had the family's interests at heart. I thought we could trust you. I thought you cared about your brother. All while Killua was there.

Father never said a word. He just looked at Illumi, fourteen years old and with shame forming deep in his stomach, and he slapped Illumi hard across the face.

As Father should have done, Illumi told himself. He wasn't sure why he was remembering that now. His parents only did it because they loved him, and love meant wanting both Illumi and Killua to be the best they could be, and to help each other be better. Not waste time on frivolous pursuits. Like games.

Killua loves Alluka more than you now, too.

Illumi clenched his jaw. He stomped to the basement, kicking open the door.

"The fuck?" moaned Milluki. The TV was still on, a video game paused.

"I'm going out for a few hours," Illumi informed him, hands on his hips. "You're in charge. No one leaves the house, you understand? Or I'll send you back to our parents." Which he should have done right away anyways.

"Fine." Milluki groaned.

"Don't let me down," Illumi said quietly, knowing those words were his father's and that they would awaken Milluki. He stormed out of the house, jumped behind the wheel of his car, and drove towards the gym. His stab wound barely hurt today. He'd be okay.

Why doesn't he love me? How can he not see how much I love him?

"Look who crawled out of the nursery," joked Chrollo as Illumi walked into the locker room.

"I have someone staying at my house who's after you, Lucilfer," Illumi said.

"Kurta boy?"

Illumi shrugged, changing. Chrollo eyed his bandage.

"I thought you'd be nursing your injury," called Hisoka's voice.

"No, I have to kick your ass after what you said to Killua last night," Illumi snapped. "I did warn you I'd kill you. In the most painful way possible."

"Ooh, sounds exciting." Hisoka stuck his head around the corner. "But I doubt it."

"Why did you say that?" Illumi demanded.

Hisoka rolled his neck, arching his eyebrows. "Because I knew you'd react precisely like this."

"Anything on Ging Freecss and his son?" Illumi asked Chrollo, ignoring Hisoka.

"Yeah," said Chrollo, pushing his hair back as he glanced down at his phone, selecting a playlist to work out to. "Ging Freecss is a talented politician but a dick of a father. He's the opposite of your parents. I don't think he's visited the kid in years. And he was of course illegitimate. The mom left right after his birth. I can have an article for you by the weekend if you pay me." He yawned. "It's really a rather boring story."

But advantageous for Illumi's father. "I'll transfer you the money."

"Sure." Chrollo shrugged and jogged out of the room. Illumi looked at Hisoka.

"You're really going to fight with blood loss?" asked Hisoka, shirtless and muscles rippling. He pushed his hair back from his head.

"It is not a bad wound, and I have to do something," said Illumi. "Kicking the shit out of you would at least be satisfactory."

"And what will you do when you fail?" Hisoka asked. Illumi stripped off his shirt and into his workout tank top. The bandage still oozed. He really should have gotten stitches.

"I won't fail." Illumi heard his father's voice echoing in his mind. He saw a dozen missed texts from his mother. Strings tightened around his windpipe. His knuckles throbbed as he reached for the phone. "I just have to respond first." It sounded robotic. Illumi typed out a response, brain not even putting the words together. I'll call later. So much left out. But it's not as if he could write Hi, yes, Mother, Killua's taken in three street kids including the son of Father's rival. He could picture her reaction and it wasn't anything Illumi wanted to handle right now.

I can win, Illumi told himself, facing Hisoka on the mat. I can always win.

"Failure," Father told him, hands cupping Illumi's five-year-old face when he lay panting on the ground, his ankle snapped in half. "Is not an option. Get up. We're walking home. He didn't even have Milluki back then. It was just him, and his parents, and he remembered hearing Grandfather one night. He's not sufficient. So they had Milluki, and then Milluki, too, by five years old wasn't sufficient, and they had three more in successive years. They could have stopped after Killua, though. He was everything they needed. Wanted. Needed.

It was only natural that his parents preferred Killua. Illumi loved Killua most of all, too. He steeled his jaw.

Hisoka swung at him, and Illumi dodged. His side stung, but he pushed that out of his mind.

"Do you have friends at college, Illumi?" Killua asked, staring up at him with huge blue eyes.

"No," said Illumi, ruffling Kil's hair. "I have some mutually beneficial relationships. But you're all I need." The family.

Illumi landed a kick in Hisoka's abdomen. Hisoka grunted.

"Good work, Illumi." Father nodded at him, and then went back to scrolling through his computer files.

"Good work, Illumi."

"Good work."

"Illumi, well done."

"Strategic. Good job."

"Illumi, good work."

Hisoka's fist collided with Illumi's jaw. His teeth clacked together. He staggered back.

"Illumi, that's not fair!" Killua shouted. "Let Alluka out!"

"Good work."

Illumi swung his legs to the side. Hisoka tripped. Illumi knocked him onto his side and grasped Hisoka's shoulders.

Well done.

And then he felt sometime stabbing his thigh. Illumi glanced down. His eyes widened. Oh.

Hisoka shoved him back, slamming Illumi into the ground. He grinned, red hair dangling over golden eyes. "Secret weapon. I win."

Illumi wanted to glare at him, but his muscles felt frozen on his face. Like always. "Don't show emotion," Mother would shriek.

He panted. Sweat stuck his hair to his temples. "Bastard."

"What can I do? Fighting turns me on." Hisoka leaned forward. His hand traced Illumi's side. "You're bleeding."

Illumi winced. He grabbed Hisoka's hand and shoved it away, staggering to his feet. The pain cut down his side. He didn't understand why it hurt so much. That busted ankle when he was five was nothing, and the wound wasn't even that deep. Maybe it was the lack of sleep, making everything sting and burn. "Don't tease me, Hisoka. I'm not your plaything."

"Everyone is, and you're already everyone else's plaything," Hisoka taunted.

This time, Illumi split Hisoka's lip. Hisoka grabbed him when he lunged again. Blood dribbled down Illumi's side. "If you don't leave the floor," Hisoka said. "You'll have to pay for cleaning." His thumbs rose, streaking blood down the side of Illumi's face.

So what? Illumi crossed his arms. He had the money. So what if he was everyone's tool? His father's tool. He was only a Zoldyck tool. They all were, all his siblings, his father, grandfather, mother, all of them sharpening the others, carving the best quality to serve the world.

His jaw ached, but he left.

Illumi showered back at the house, letting the water wash over him, steaming warm and mingling with blood in a pool at his feet.

He loves me, he loves me not.

Illumi cussed, combing his hair and massaging anti-frizz into it. He grew it out again starting in college, once he was getting top grades and on track to graduate summa cum laude. He never once let his GPA dip below 4.0, and Father didn't seem to mind him having long hair once he was sure Illumi would take care of it and not look like some scum off the street. Father had long hair that he cared for. Killua's hair color. Illumi looked more like his mother.

Chrollo had texted. I emailed Ging Freecss about his kid. He said if Gon was missing he was sure he was out having fun and would turn up eventually because he was a strong kid. Forwarded you the email. You're welcome.

Illumi blinked. He couldn't imagine the man's cavalier attitude. His parents gave everything to finding Killua when he ran away. He stepped out of the bathroom and heard voices in Alluka's room. Killua. And that blond boy, the Kurta. And Gon Freecss.

"You know you're the first friend I've ever had," Killua was saying. Illumi curled his fists. You don't—

"I think you're the first friend I've ever had, too," Gon said, voice quiet. "It was lonely at my aunt's. If I can find my dad, then I thought I wouldn't be lonely, but now that you're here I'm less lonely already. I can't wait to find him."

Illumi glanced at his phone screen. The email rolled through. Dear fucking God, it was so—how could Ging Freecss not care that his kid was missing? Illumi's family had all the faith in Killua but he was still just fourteen years old.

Illumi's lips curved. He could easily use this against Ging Freecss. He didn't care, but the Zoldycks did. Illumi rubbed his temples, damp hair dribbling water down his fingers.

How? He still didn't understand.

Ging Freecss doesn't love his kid.

He loves him not.

Why? How? Was something wrong with Gon, something Illumi could use against him?

"You had siblings," Leorio's voice pointed out.

Killua snorted. Illumi would know that snort anywhere. "Yeah, but Milluki just yells at me for interrupting his games, and Kalluto's preoccupied with sucking up to Mother, and Alluka was locked away, and Illumi's just like a puppet master. He fancies himself Father and he's not. If he could control my every thought he would."

"What a creep," said Leorio.

This creep is giving you a roof over your head! Illumi waited for Killua to defend him. His heart thumped in his chest, too loud. He tried to quiet it. The beats only sounded louder. Gooseflesh rose. I just want the best for you!

Killua?

"He thinks he knows what I want more than me," said Killua. "Well, he doesn't. He only knows how to want what Mother and Father tell him to want. Which is to be the perfect son and control me."

That isn't true! I want—I want—

You to love me.

He loves me not.

If Killua didn't love him, then— Illumi felt cold all over. His face, though, stayed impassive. The muscles hurt from freezing.

"They only care about the family reputation," said Killua. "And frankly they'd do anything for it. Lock Alluka up. Kill people if they had to, I'm sure."

"I understand family loyalty," whispered Kurapika. "Because of mine—what happened—my parents are gone now—they died because of events set in motion by that asshat—I'd kill him if I could." Vehemence laced the boy's voice. Illumi straightened. He pulled out his phone.

Kurta wants to kill you, like actually, he texted Chrollo.

Cool, replied Chrollo.

"Kurapika!" gasped Leorio.

"So what?" snapped Kurapika.

"So, I'd rather not visit you in jail! Those places creep me out—just the thought of them!"

"Visit?" Kurapika asked, voice odd.

"Yeah," said Leorio.

"So we'd still be friends? Because my family's friends all ditched them when—"

"Well, I don't know what kind of friends your family had, but they—of course we'd—"

You hardly know each other! Illumi wanted to yell. You just met each other! How? Why? Something bubbled up inside of him, something acidic and consuming, something Illumi hadn't felt in—years.

Anger. And not the kind he could punch his way out of feeling. Illumi wanted to tear his hair and scream and even then, he felt like this furious feeling swarming him wouldn't leave him, like it would swallow him whole no matter what he did. Its teeth dug into him and he couldn't escape no matter what he did, how he breathed, what he focused on, he couldn't focus anyways, everything was falling.

He loves me not.

Do you think they're actually friends? Illumi texted Hisoka.

? ? ?

Illumi gritted his teeth, huddled in his room. Of course that dumbass clown wasn't going to make this easy for him.

I think Killua loves his friends more than he loves me, Illumi texted. He glanced at his emails, rubbing his temples. Father wanted an update. Of course. Biscuit Krueger's voice joined the other memories echoing in a cacophony inside his skull. You're the exact opposite of a success. Those pink eyes, lacerating him.

No response. Stupid clown. Illumi dragged himself down the stairs and found the four boys and Alluka sprawled in the living room, Gon and Killua hitting each other with pillows. Illumi froze.

"Oops," said Killua, dropping down onto the couch. His shoulders hunched. Gon's eyes widened and Kurapika took a step forward.

Is Killua afraid of me?

"You're making dinner tonight," Illumi stated. "All four of you." Not Alluka. He didn't trust her. "There are ingredients in the fridge; Canary dropped them off. Have it ready by seven." That gave them four hours.

"Sounds good." Killua swallowed.

Illumi turned on his heel and stalked back towards his room. Why? He entered and paused. His eyes rolled. "Really?"

"Your fault for not closing the window." Hisoka swung himself over the sill. "Also, that tree is going to give anyone who wants to kill you a direct path into your room."

Illumi tilted his head to the side, hair cascading down his back. "So what?" He could handle them.

If he even cared.

Killua doesn't love me.

Why not? What can I do? I have to be able to do something, something, anything! Needles stabbed at his throat. But try as he might, he couldn't think of anything he hadn't tried already.

Have I always known?

No!

"Ah, this is an interesting state to see you in," commented Hisoka. "Your monotone is almost breaking."

Illumi glanced sharply at him. "Sorry I'm less fun." Since everything's been a lie—no, no, it can't be—it is—it—

"On the contrary." Hisoka rested his chin on his fist. "I knew this 'mom' thing would bring out new aspects of you, Illumi, but I didn't expect you to—"

"Shut up," said Illumi.

Hisoka laughed. "I don't think I've ever heard you mad before. It's sexy."

Illumi focused on the plain oak of the closet door. "Is it?"

Hisoka shrugged. "What can I say? Conflict and change turn me on."

Why? Aren't you monotone? Always interested? Always joking? Always looking for a challenge? Always, always, always the same?

Are you ever surprised? Or is that something you just chase?

Illumi sat down on the other side of the bed. "I almost…" ...wish.

I almost wish I had a friend.

"I don't know if I've ever wanted anything," Illumi said instead.

Hisoka snorted.

You only ever want. But you chase. You never get.

Hisoka tilted his head, golden eyes snapping. And Illumi turned and stared at them, at him. His heart pounded again. Why not?

"You're going to have to be more specific," Hisoka said. "What do you want?"

Illumi scowled. He got to his feet and walked to the man, hair styled perfectly and gelled within an inch of its life, makeup still on his face. He leaned down. Hisoka's eyes betrayed only the slightest hint of a surprise. They narrowed into golden slits. Illumi shut his. His lips brushed Hisoka's. He pulled away.

"I can't say that was what I was expecting," Hisoka taunted.

Illumi frowned.

"That's a pretty pathetic kiss, though," said Hisoka. "You should kiss like you actually mean it, if you mean it."

"Mean what?" asked Illumi. Love? He had no concept of romance. Just the mechanics.

"Like you want something out of it," Hisoka answered. He drummed his fingers on the quilt.

Illumi could smack him. He dove down again, this time forcing Hisoka's mouth open with his lips. And Hisoka responded, mouth pulling against his, hand encircling Illumi's skull, digging through his hair. He pulled Illumi down onto the bed, one hand clutching Illumi's wrist as he explored Illumi's mouth, his jaw, his neck. Illumi pushed back. I want—I want—this. Skin warm against his, Hisoka's fist clenched against his arm, his hair getting mussed. He didn't want to feel alone.

Illumi pushed Hisoka down, clinging to Hisoka's broad shoulders now. Hisoka let out a moan as Illumi's teeth nipped his neck. "Is this really okay, Mr. Mom?"

Illumi pulled up, staring down at Hisoka. His hair fell around them. Hisoka was smirking, mouth open, panting. "The walls are pretty thick."

"Okay then." Hisoka snickered. "Because I can tell you're excited."

Oh. Illumi shrugged. Something pulsated through him—something familiar, like all the times he'd undressed for partners before, but something else too. His heartbeat still echoed in his ears. He yanked Hisoka's shirt up.

"Impatient." Hisoka was teasing. Of course he was. And Illumi didn't want him to stop. He just wanted—warmth.

And then Illumi's side ached again. "Weren't you yelling at me for fighting earlier?" he rasped, Hisoka's nails scratching him as he pulled Illumi's shirt apart. Buttons scattered. Illumi glowered at him. That was expensive.

"Oops."

Illumi shifted so that he was lying on his back. He yanked Hisoka on top of him. Hisoka's eyebrows rose. Not expecting that?

"You know," Hisoka said, pulling Illumi's pants down with one hand, the other scraping his side, stopping short of his wound. "You can still surprise me."

"I have condoms in my desk," Illumi managed.

Hisoka nodded, rolling off quickly to undress and roll one on. His lips met Illumi's again then, and Illumi sucked in his breath. Hisoka's teeth clacked against his when he started, and his eyes quickly opened to meet Illumi's, as if to check if it was okay. Illumi let out his breath. His lips worked the nape of Hisoka's neck, the skin on his chest. Hisoka kept muttering his name, clutching Illumi's body against his own as his hair fell in red tendrils dangling around his face. Illumi arched his neck as his muscles clamped and he looked back, back, but all he could see was Hisoka's smirk and the smudged makeup on his cheeks and all he felt was sweat and Hisoka's weight and something sparking inside him, and for a moment, like things might be all right, more than all right—might be good.

And then it flitted away, leaving Illumi lying there gasping, hair strewn around him, sweat dampening his temples. What did I just do?

He never had to consider his actions before. Not like this.

"You're not bad," Hisoka commented.

Illumi narrowed his eyes, turning to face him. Hisoka's hair hung down, falling out of its gel prison. He kept his eyes fixed on Illumi.

"I'm just saying I enjoyed that," said Hisoka.

Did he enjoy it? Illumi frowned. Yes. But… he didn't know what to do now. It wasn't a business transaction. He didn't even know what he wanted from Hisoka now.

"Worried about what your parents think?" mocked Hisoka.

"Hm?" Illumi propped himself up on an elbow. "They could hardly care whom I fuck." They would only care that he succeed in his work.

"How odd." Hisoka rested his finger on his chin, contemplating. "I thought they'd like to control every aspect of your life down to what you did with your dick."

Illumi stared at Hisoka. Was this what he usually did after sex? What this what people usually did?

"You're a puppet," Hisoka commented.

"Struggling to know how to play me now?" Illumi gulped. Why had he said that out loud? "I had sex with you because I wanted to. You had sex with me—why? Because it's the only way you can feel anything?"

Now Hisoka sat up, lips thinning as he stared Illumi down. Illumi noticed pink marks, future bruises, all along Hisoka's neck, down his pec.

"I don't mind," said Illumi. "Not being a puppet, nor you being a hunter." But I'm not prey, and you don't know what to do with me. I could take you or leave you. I'm not hopelessly besotted nor am I happy to think about this one time forever.

"Ah, you're back," said Hisoka. "The Illumi who's dead inside, I mean."

Illumi didn't understand. "I have a family."

"You have a family," Hisoka commented. "Who control your strings. Can't you see that the reason you love Killua so much is because he's the only one who never tried to control you?"

Illumi's chest heaved. That wasn't true. "Kalluto—Milluki—"

"You treat Alluka like subhuman because your parents do that. Kalluto and Milluki aren't important so they don't matter to you as much as Killua either."

Hisoka had no idea what to do with him, so he wanted to try to tear Illumi apart. Well, two could play this game. "I have a family," Illumi repeated. "You have-what? Excitement? Aren't you dead inside too?"

Hisoka's fingers tightened around the blank sheets as if Illumi's words were needling him a bit too much. "Is this how you react every time you lose control?"

Illumi's jaw dropped. Lose control? He had no control underneath Hisoka. No, that wasn't true. He could have, if he'd wanted it. And now—why was Hisoka shredding him with his words? "Why do you keep showing up all the time?"

Hisoka leaned over. His fingers traced Illumi's cheekbone. "Because," he said. "I can't grasp onto your strings."

We're two dead men.

We're two living men.

Killua didn't love him. And Illumi had no idea how to go forward. And what happened when Hisoka lost all excitement, when he reached the end of his rope?

The door flung open. "Hey, Illumi," said Killua. "Where is the—WHAT THE FUCK?!"

The door slammed and Illumi just heard Killua screaming his way down the stairs.