Thanks for reading! Be forewarned there is a brief mention of past animal cruelty this chapter.

Illumi had graduated from Killua glaring at him to Killua not even looking at him. His brother stared at his food, at the table, at Gon and Kurapika and Leorio, at Alluka, at freaking Kalluto and Milluki, but not at him. Killua did whisper to Gon, though, and Gon cast Illumi a shocked look.

Illumi stared at his food. It was edible curry, but he couldn't shake what happened. He had sex with Hisoka and he wanted to again. And Killua didn't love him. And he still felt naked even with clothes on.

"Killua," Illumi started after dinner, when he forced Kalluto to clean up.

"I don't want to talk about you doing gross things with Hisoka," said Killua, heading past with his hands stuffed in his pockets.

That isn't what I want to talk about. But Illumi couldn't bring himself to call out after his brother.

What does family mean to you?

Illumi watched Kurapika stare out the window, up at a starless sky. Did you mean it, that you would kill Chrollo? He couldn't blame Kurapika. If someone tried to hurt anyone in his family, he'd hurt them. Maybe he could give Kurapika Chrollo's information.

Alluka's laugh rang from the basement. Illumi folded his arms.

He's not family, Father would say. No son of mine is so hopelessly broken.

She's not your son, Illumi thought. She's your daughter.

Hisoka never brought up his family. Illumi wondered if he cared at all about them. He doubted it. Were they boring? Cruel? Rich? Poor? Authoritarian? Did they care about him? Had he even had one?

Illumi pulled out his phone and texted Hisoka. What's your family like?

I don't think about the past, Hisoka responded. Why are you asking?

He didn't respond. Why are you alive? Illumi wondered. Why am I?

Leorio huffed as he dragged out a textbook. Illumi cocked his head. "What's that?"

Leorio furrowed his brow, peering up at Illumi. "I want to get into med school."

"Hard to do that from the streets," commented Kurapika.

Leorio scowled at him. "One of my friends died of cancer once—he couldn't afford treatment, and I couldn't do anything to save him. I want to help people like him. For free. I never want to feel that helpless again."

Illumi thought of that elderly couple he'd turned down for insurance. His stomach lurched.

"I'll get there somehow," Leorio vowed, focusing on the text lining the books. "No matter what."

"My parents died in a crash when I snuck out one night," said Kurapika. "My best friend was with them. But there's nothing I can do to prevent that from happening to someone else's family besides stopping that fucking Lucilfer."

"Kurapika," said Leorio. "Weren't they drunk?"

"Father only started drinking because of how Lucilfer ruined them," said Kurapika. His eyes flashed scarlet.

Illumi extracted himself from the conversation, heading up the stairs. He lay down on his bed, still rumpled from him and Hisoka. Illumi closed his eyes.

"You can't always help the sick," Father told him. "Don't pity them, Illumi."

Illumi remembered the puppy his parents had him care for. He wasn't allowed to name it. After a few weeks Father broke its leg and Illumi wasn't allowed to cry, or care for it. He had to lock it out of the house. The puppy had white fluffy fur, like Killua's hair.

Killua said no. They never had to try the puppy trick on him. They had Alluka. And Killua said no. He fought for Alluka. He still fought for Alluka.

Illumi rolled over and tried to sleep.

He awake to the sound of pounding on the door. Illumi scrambled up, still dressed in last night's clothes, racing down the stairs. He flung it open to find Biscuit Krueger standing there. With Killua, splattered in blood and with a hollow look in his eyes.

"What the hell?" Illumi burst out. "Killua—"

"He was out with his friend," said Biscuit. "Who is now in the hospital, stabbed by—"

"The same person who stabbed you," blurted out Killua.

Illumi's head swam. Killua—snuck out? Friend—Gon? The same person? Why did Killua—for him? Did he care after all? He didn't understand. He didn't understand at all. Not at all. Killua...

"We're talking," said Biscuit. "Now." She glared at Illumi.

He followed her to the kitchen. Kurapika and Leorio woke up in the living room, whispering. Kalluto's door cracked open.

"Really?" Biscuit demanded the moment they were in the kitchen. Illumi went to make coffee. "Don't!"

Illumi frowned.

"You have three runaways staying and you can't even control your brother?"

Illumi curled his fists. "Am I supposed to stay up all night every night?" Okay, so he'd tried that.

"Well, now that kid is hovering between life and death, and you—you were stabbed? And you didn't even call the police knowing there could be a threat to your siblings?" Biscuit's voice rose.

Illumi's hand drifted to his side. Words deserted him. No, no, they couldn't, now now. He opened his mouth.

"You're completely unfit," Biscuit informed him. "To raise them. I'll start proceedings later today."

Illumi's jaw dropped. He lunged, grabbing her arm. "No."

"Get your hand off me."

Illumi shook his head, but he released her. "What was I supposed to do?" he demanded. "Lock Killua in his room? I—you can't take them away." You don't get to. They were his siblings.

"I can, because it's a clear risk to their—"

"Tell me what to do, then!" Illumi hissed. "And I'll do it! You are not taking my siblings away and putting them with strangers. We're family. We need each other."

Biscuit tilted her head, studying him. Illumi gritted his teeth. He couldn't lose them. He wouldn't. Without them— "You realize harboring runaways is a crime."

Illumi exhaled. "Leorio Paladknight is of age. Kurapika is seventeen and an orphan. Gon is—"

"Fourteen and has an aunt, and a father," finished Biscuit. "If you wanted custody of them, Illumi, that isn't how to get it."

Illumi's cheeks flamed. "How do I get custody?"

"After this? You'll never get it. If you get to keep custody of your siblings it'll be a miracle."

Illumi clutched the counter so hard his knuckles cracked. "But you'll try to help that happen."

"I'll see what I think is best for the kids."

"It's not Illumi's fault," came a quick voice. Illumi turned. Kurapika stood there, blond hair smooth despite having just been asleep. "If he turned us in, we'd have run—"

"That isn't helping his case," Biscuit informed him. "Kids shouldn't have the reins—"

"They don't," Illumi snapped. "I have the strings."

"And I suppose—"

"He has rules," Leorio said, appearing. "Like, a lot of them."

"If you try to take me away, I won't go," said a voice. Illumi turned to see Kalluto standing in his doorway, still in pajamas, quiet fury sizzling in his tone.

Biscuit exhaled. "I can try to see what I can do, Illumi, but I can't promise anything. You're in deep trouble here."

She left, the door clicking behind her. Illumi turned and stormed out of the kitchen and into the living room, where he found Alluka cowering and Killua curled up next to her, his head pressed against his knees, shoulders shaking. "What happened, Kil?" Illumi barked.

"I went to convince them to—"

"To what?" Illumi asked.

"Gon wanted to—"

"Did you do this on purpose?" Illumi managed. "To make me lose custody?" Do you hate me that much, Kil?

I love you. I still love you. I'd do anything to make you love me too. Panic swarmed him, gnawing at his fingers.

"Are you that narcissistic?" burst out Killua, leaping to his feet. Blood stained his shirt in uneven splotches, crimson drying brown. "You think I'd want my friend to get hurt? The first friend I've ever had?" His voice cracked. "I can't be you, Illumi. Content without friends. I want to be Gon's friend. I don't even—I just want him to be okay. I'm not cold or unfeeling or cruel and I don't want to be! I don't care what you or Father want! We can't all be you! He's my precious friend!"

That's what you think of me?

And it's not a good thing.

His words punched Illumi in the gut. Killua turned and raced up the stairs, sneakers thumping against wood. Milluki emerged from the basement and Alluka ran after Killua.

But then you'll never be able to take over the family business, Illumi thought. You don't want to, do you?

You don't want to be part of this family. You don't love us. Except Alluka.

Kalluto slammed his door so hard the walls rattled.

Illumi turned and locked the front door. "No one leaves without asking."

Leorio nodded. Illumi pulled out his phone and texted Hisoka. I need a favor.

Hisoka said nothing when he arrived to take Killua and Alluka to visit Gon. Illumi nodded at him. He had nothing to offer Hisoka in return. Sex, maybe later. But the thought made him tired, and Hisoka wasn't even smirking.

"Does his father know?" asked Kurapika.

"Dunno," said Leorio. "Hey, Illumi. If you wanted to dull the situation, maybe you could talk to Ging Freecss—explain—"

"My father is his rival," Illumi stated, staring into his cup of black coffee. "It's a terrible idea."

"What were they thinking, going to talk to the ant crew by themselves?" demanded Kurapika.

"The what?" Illumi lasered Kurapika with a glare.

"They do some seedy work," said Leorio. "For hire. And isn't it obvious what they were trying to do, Kurapika?"

Kurapika cast him a disgruntled look. His nose wrinkled. "I don't—"

Leorio pushed his glasses back up his own nose. He glanced down at his shoes.

"Someone tell me," Illumi requested. "Considering one of them tried to stab me." Killua wouldn't have—right? That would be too cold for his brother.

You never wanted him to be cold, did you? He only ever wanted—Killua to love him. Kalluto to love him. Milluki. Mother. Father.

I wanted a family.

He thought of Gon from yesterday, talking about his father. Well, this was surely not how Gon intended to meet his father. But he might as well make it happen. Maybe then. Maybe then, Killua would look at him without so much loathing.

Illumi rose. "Milluki will watch Kalluto. I'm going to see Ging Freecss."

Leorio leapt to his feet. "Can we come too?"

Kurapika nodded, face pale. His eyes kept darting to Leorio, as if trying to decipher what he meant. Illumi couldn't bring himself to care so long as it didn't have to do with him.

"Fine," said Illumi.

Five minutes later and he was regretting his life choices when Leorio complained about his refusal to turn on the radio. His phone lit up with texts from his parents. Illumi refused to check them, not until this was over. He'd have to swallow his rivalry with the man. Or his father's rivalry. But in their family, a rivalry with one was a rivalry with the other.

"Tell Ging Freecss Illumi Zoldyck is here to see him," Illumi informed the man's secretary. "And that it's about his son, and it's urgent."

But still, almost a half hour passed. Kurapika cursed. Leorio paced. Illumi sat. Waiting was nothing to him.

But when Ging Freecss finally came to meet him, the man simple issued a smile. "What a surprise! I—"

"Your son's been stabbed," Illumi interrupted.

"Yes, I'm aware," said Ging. "That lady was here earlier. Krueger. Mito, my cousin, is on her way."

"He was staying with me," Illumi said. "He's… friends with my brother." The word sounded odd, echoing around him.

"Ah, well," said Ging, scratching his neck. "That's peculiar, given our situations, but I'm glad to hear it." He held out his hand.

Illumi stared at it.

"Hey, aren't you going to go visit him?" interrupted Leorio. "You know, since the doctors aren't sure if he'll even make it?"

"He'll make it," Ging said. "He's a strong boy."

Illumi tried to imagine his mother's reaction if Killua was stabbed. Screaming, hysterics, fainting. Father would personally hunt down whoever had done it. He rubbed his brow. "Are the doctors texting you?"

"Hm?" Ging frowned. "No. They'll call if it's important, I'm sure. Feel free to ask them to text you, though, if you'd like, since he was staying with you."

Kurapika's jaw hung open. His eyes shone scarlet.

"You," breathed Leorio. "You—really don't care at all?"

"I have faith in him," Ging said with a simply smile. "He's a strong boy. Has he said he wants me to visit?"

"He can't speak; he's unconscious!" shouted Leorio.

"Ah." Ging rocked back. "Yes, I think Krueger mentioned that. Well, I'm glad you are there for him. And your brother too, right, Zoldyck? Who would've thought my son and Silva's would be good friends? Funny how the world works." He chuckled.

"You damned bastard!" Leorio's fist shot out before Illumi could even blink. It clocked Ging in the nose, sending him stumbling back. Blood spurted from his nose.

You—don't—care. Illumi couldn't even fathom it. Parents not caring? How?

"You can go to hell!" Leorio shouted. He turned and stormed off, Kurapika gaping and shaking his head.

You don't care. Illumi stared down at the man, rubbing his nose. Blood smeared his sleeve. He thought of Killua, stained in Gon's blood. You actually don't care.

You're not worth my time. Illumi stepped over Ging on his way out.

"We can't tell Gon," Leorio said in the car.

"He'll find out anyways," Illumi pointed out.

Kurapika sighed, leaning his head against the window. Leorio reached for the radio switch and Illumi cast him a look that would have killed skinned and buried him if looks could kill. Leorio buried his face in his hands, crying. For Gon. Because, they were friends.

When Illumi pulled up, his phone rang. He glanced down at it. Mother. He might as well answer now. He tossed the keys to Kurapika, the responsible-if-murdery one. "Hello?"

"Glad to hear you still take my calls," Mother sniffed.

"I apologize," Illumi said, leaning back against the car. "It's been a hectic day."

"Walk three houses down and turn the corner."

"Hm?" Illumi straightened, turning around. His heart rate stayed the same, but his nerves tingled throughout his body. "Are you—"

"Yes, Illumi," Father stated. "It's technically just over the meter limit we're supposed to keep away from the other kids."

Illumi's hands felt cold. The phone burned against his cheek. He took a step forward. He could only imagine with Biscuit Krueger would say if she found out. She'd kill him. Or take them away for sure. And Illumi couldn't lose them. But he couldn't deny his parents, and obviously, they had found out what a mess he'd made. "On my way."

He hung up. Songbirds chirped and Illumi wanted to shoot them, make them shut the fuck up. He rounded the corner and found his parents sitting in their black SUV. Illumi opened the door and slipped into the backseat. The window stayed open, warm air contrasting with the ice in the vehicle.

"Illumi," Father said, eyes narrowing. That look—it reminded Illumi of his face the time he'd slapped Illumi. Illumi glanced behind him to see his grandfather in the very backseat.

"I know," Illumi said, shame biting his stomach. "I'm sorry—Killua said that he wouldn't stay if his friends didn't. I'll fix it. I promise."

Mother reached for him. "It's so good to see you." Her voice wavered. "Killua—Kalluto—"

"They're okay," Illumi said quickly. "Killua's concerned about Gon Freecss, but his father isn't." Father would like this. It could help him, certainly. He relayed the story of their encounter.

"Well, that doesn't actually help unless Silva and Kikyo also have custody of their children," Grandfather said. His eyes bored into Illumi, but they held a different look than his parents' eyes. Illumi didn't understand.

"They will," Illumi insisted. "Soon enough, right? Your lawyers—"

"You need to convince Killua—break that brainwashing!" Mother shrieked. Her voice cut at Illumi's eardrums, shrill and sharp and desperate. "He's convinced we're—Alluka is—make that boy do something; you know how to prove what a danger he is! You did it before, Illumi, I know you can do it again!"

Provoke Alluka into trying to stab out a liver again? Illumi thought of Leorio, or Kurapika. That could work. And then he remembered Killua's words.

Not all of us are you. He's my friend.

He doesn't love me.

"You're wasting time," Father growled. His hand shot out, gripping Illumi's shoulder tight enough to bruise. Illumi refused to cringe or give any sign of pain. "You're letting us down, Illumi. The Zoldyck name. Our entire family."

Huh? Illumi felt like the car was sucked into a tornado and the words kept whirring around his brain echoing and echoing and echoing, pressure crushing him bones and veins and muscles and organs. "I've never failed you," he eked out.

"You're failing now," Father said sternly. Grandfather leaned back, expressionless.

What? Why? I didn't lock Alluka—well—I might as well have— "What if I tell them I came up with the idea to lock Alluka up after all?" Illumi ventured. Then Killua could hate him, but his parents could have Killua back.

"That wouldn't work." Mother huffed. Father arched an eyebrow.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to fix this. Illumi gulped. It would be hard to make that convincing, but it had a shot.

"I'm beginning to wonder how much the family actually means to you, Illumi dear," Mother said.

"Everything!" Illumi protested. "It's everything to me!" My entire life—everything I have—Mother, Father, Killua doesn't love me; I don't even know if he loves you! And I can't make him, no matter what I do!

Maybe his parents could. Maybe he really was worthless to them, to all of them. The family didn't need him. They needed Killua. "Killua is what you need," Illumi said. "If I can convince him Alluka is my fault, then—" His voice almost caught, but he stopped it. His father wouldn't tolerate that much weakness from his eldest son. The son he cast aside for Killua. Not that Illumi minded—Killua was the talented one—Killua—Killua—

He already hates me.

But to cement that hatred in Killua's eyes, when Illumi loved him so, when his chest felt full and his limbs felt light whenever he thought of his brother—nausea churned. He thought of Hisoka. He'd go to jail and Hisoka surely wasn't going to visit him in prison. And it'd be a scandal too—was there no way out of that—but at least it would beat Ging Freecss not caring. His parents trying to save their children from him, a manipulative terrible brother. It'd be noble.

You want me to do this, don't you? Despite your protests. Illumi met his father's eyes, and saw ice. You want me to find a way to make this work.

I don't matter to you. No, I do. I can only do things for you, and I matter in terms of that.

Killua was different. Always different. Illumi had to do everything for him, but he didn't demand. He hugged Illumi when he was a toddler, before Illumi had to break him of that habit.

He'd give anything for Killua to hug him again. And Alluka… to traumatize her again… Killua would never hug him again. Even if it was for the family's good.

Mother opened the car door. Illumi took the hint and slid out.

"Figure it out," Father told him. "We trust you to do the right thing. Or you will be as useless to this family as Alluka is, less than my son."

Illumi nodded. He felt like cinderblocks were weighing down his lungs. He couldn't breathe.

They drove off, leaving Illumi staring after them.

I don't want to.

I have to.

I'm your son—don't—how can you—I'm your son, your son, I've done everything for you, my entire life—how could you—what do I want—it doesn't matter—Father, Father, Father, Grandfather, Mother, love me, love me, love ME!

He turned, trees all blurring together, and he saw Hisoka leaning against the street sign, arms crossed over his chest.