"Did you hear that?" Illumi demanded. The wind's cold fingers dug into his hair.

Hisoka lifted his shoulders. "Sounds like they're serious."

"They're always serious." Illumi glanced down the street, though the car was long gone and no fumes even remained. He gulped. All of the neat pillars of his world, elaborately carved to within an inch of their lives and fortified to withstand the strongest hurricane he could imagine, couldn't handle this, and he didn't understand why everything was crumbling. What hadn't he done? What had he done wrong? Why was he left grasping for air despite having Killua and Kalluto and Milluki directly under his roof?

They were his life. His family. All that mattered. All that had ever mattered, and he was failing them, and he didn't know how to fix it.

"Bitches," commented Hisoka.

"Huh?" Illumi blinked.

Hisoka arched his brows. "They're fucked up."

Illumi glared at him. The wind blew colder. "They are not." I'm the fuck-up.

Hisoka snorted. "Fine. It's awfully fun to watch you self-destruct."

"You're one to talk." Illumi stalked past him.

"At least I have fun doing it!" Hisoka hollered.

Illumi spun on his heel. "Do you? Do you really? Or do you just want to find something to convince you life is worth living?"

"I don't concern myself with such questions. It is. For fun." Hisoka caught up to him. "And for surprises." He flicked his fingernails. "Family doesn't seem to be making you think life's worth living. It seems to make you consider what's worth dying for."

Illumi could kick him. But he saw a spark glitter in Hisoka's eyes. He was trying to provoke him. Why? "Liar."

Hisoka ignored him. "Gon isn't doing well."

Illumi tried to shake the conversation off. He couldn't. "His dad doesn't give a shit."

Hisoka's eyes narrowed.

You just view him as a plaything, a potential challenger in the future. Illumi wondered if Hisoka had any idea what it was like not to consider everyone you cared for a doll.

He wondered if he had any idea, himself. The loneliness chafed at him, scraping at his bones.

Illumi entered the house to find Kurapika and Leorio huddled around Killua, who was crying. Alluka sat in the corner, glancing at Kalluto, who ignored her just like Killua ignored Kalluto. Milluki stood in the kitchen, grabbing potato chips.

"Kil," said Illumi.

Killua didn't look up.

You love him. Illumi's fists tightened.

Gon is your friend.

What would that be like? Illumi had never had a friend. He glanced at Hisoka again. Are we friends? Friends with benefits? Boyfriends? Did it matter? No, and yes. Illumi liked clarity. He stared out the window, at the weakening sunlight.

His phone rang. Illumi answered to hear Biscuit Krueger on the line. For a moment he wondered if she'd found out about his meeting with his parents, but she didn't bother with niceties. "You get to keep them. For now."

Illumi exhaled. It seemed strange, but he didn't know what else to say. "Thank you."

Biscuit snorted. "I spoke with Ging Freecss."

"He doesn't care."

"I heard you went to see him too." She cleared her throat. "I'm impressed. I spoke with Mito, and she stated that until she gets there you have power of attorney over Gon."

"Huh?" Illumi didn't understand.

"Her flight was delayed." Biscuit's voice sharpened. "Since you wanted custody, you're technically in charge of Gon and Kurapika right now."

Illumi closed his eyes. "Fine." In charge… of what? Of nothing. He examined his hand, covered in scabs now. Killua hated him. Kurapika and Leorio tolerated him. Kalluto was inscrutable. Milluki would rather spend time with a doll.

"You're all going to bed early," Illumi informed his siblings. And… foster kids. And Leorio. "I'll wake you if the doctor calls." Great, no sleep again.

Hisoka lounged in an armchair. Illumi didn't bother to ask him to leave. He ordered pizza for his siblings. His parents would not approve. Once they were all in bed, Illumi turned to Hisoka. "Why are you here?"

Hisoka shrugged, drinking a beer. Illumi had declined. "It's interesting."

"Let me rephrase," Illumi stated, smoothing his hair. "What are you getting from being here, now that I let you fuck me? Do you want me to fuck you or what?"

Hisoka snorted. "I wouldn't say no."

"I doubt it'd be that interesting." Both of them kept their voices low.

"You're interesting," said Hisoka, spinning the now-empty bottle on the countertop. "Especially now that everything's falling apart around you."

"I am not so fragile."

"If you say so." Hisoka drummed his fingers against the counter.

"And if I were to somehow take away the games you like to play," said Illumi. "Would you be interesting?"

"Are you saying I'm boring?"

"No." Illumi felt cold again and he hated it. Well, he could fix that. He stepped towards Hisoka. They were so close to the same height. Hisoka's lips curved. Illumi pressed his lips against Hisoka's, shoving him back against the counter. The drawer handles had to be pressing into Hisoka, but he didn't act as if he minded. His teeth nipped at Illumi's tongue. I don't want to be cold. I don't want to be alone. He wished he could wake up, forget what it was like to feel alone, because he thought he wasn't until now.

He didn't trust Hisoka. He couldn't. But Hisoka was strong. Hisoka hoisted himself up on the counter and bent down, his mouth wet and sloppy against Illumi's, his breath hot, chasing ghosts away. He tugged Illumi's hair. It stung.

"I didn't realize you were so desperate," Hisoka panted.

"Shut up," said Illumi, heart picking up pace again. He did not want to think about that.

"Yo, Illumi," said Milluki.

Fuck! Why does this keep happening? Can't I even control this? Illumi whirled around. Cool air brushed his flaming cheeks.

His brother leaned back against the doorframe, eyes darting between Illumi and Hisoka. "Man, I thought Killua was full of it."

So he had told. Illumi contemplated smacking Killua.

"At least I'm alive instead of being one of those dolls you like to fuck," Hisoka said calmly.

"It's debatable whether you're alive," Illumi retorted.

"Whatever." Milluki rolled his eyes. "I want to talk to you, Illumi."

"About what?"

"I know Mother and Father have been in contact with you, okay? They're in contact with me too." Milluki produced a second phone, a silver one instead of the one he usually carried around as a third hand.

Illumi frowned. Why hadn't his parents told him that? "Okay."

"Really, I'm on the edge of my seat with this information," Hisoka drawled. He ran his hand over his hair.

"They want you to lose custody," Milluki blurted out.

Illumi crossed his arms. "I know. They want their kids back; can you blame them? We're everything to them."

"They asked me to pay Pitou from the ant gang to stab you," said Milluki. "They thought if you were hurt and they came and took care of—"

"Are you serious?" Hisoka asked, arching an eyebrow. His gaze flicked to Illumi. And for once, it didn't sound like his voice concealed a laugh.

"Pitou needed money," said Milluki with a shrug. "Anyways, they asked it not to be dangerous, of course, so—"

My parents… ordered me stabbed? Illumi's hand rested over his side. It throbbed, but the pain was only a ghost now. His heart pounded, but the organ felt restricted, tightened with chains, needles stabbing into his chest wall. He tried to swallow. He couldn't.

They had a reason. It was a bit desperate of a plan, perhaps, but they were trying to do the right thing—get their kids back. And sacrificing himself for the family was something he never would protest. "Why didn't they tell me?" Illumi managed.

"They thought it better you didn't know."

"I'm not stupid enough to blow it, though."

"Hm?" asked Hisoka, brow furrowing. "That's your biggest problem with this? That they thought you might blow it?"

Illumi didn't know what to say. "Yes." Of course it was. He trusted his parents. His family was his life.

"I'm sorry," Milluki said.

"Why are you telling me?" Illumi burst out. "If Mother and Father told you not to, then—"

"Because…" Milluki scratched his head. "If we go back they might lock Alluka up again and she's kinda helpful when it comes to my games. And she's fun when she's not crazy."

"This is all about your stupid game?" Illumi's voice rose. Someone stirred in the living room.

"Correction; I believe it's about Alluka," Hisoka said, tossing a card up in the air and catching it..

"Shut up!" They don't love me. They don't love me either. They just want Killua—they love—they just want—they want—control. "It's fine," Illumi said. His voice wobbled. He couldn't stop it. "It's fine." Now his voice was strong. Fortified. He turned and walked out of the room.

"Okay," Milluki said.

Illumi made it to his room. Footsteps echoed behind him. Hisoka shut the door. Illumi doubled over on the bed. Fuck, why was his side hurting more now? Why? Why? Why? Why?

"I'm a failure," he said. "I can't keep this family together."

"Maybe you should just say fuck it," Hisoka suggested with a shrug. "Destroy it all."

"They're my everything!" Illumi glared at him. He curled his fist and sent it into his knee. "My—entire life is for them, everything is for them, it's what they taught me, to support them, them, them, my parents, my grandfather, my siblings, the business, their business—them, them, them." His voice cracked. "They had a reason—it's fine."

"I've never seen this side of you before," said Hisoka, sitting down across from him and studying Illumi with those inscrutable golden eyes.

"What side?" Illumi demanded.

"Beyond desperate," answered Hisoka. "And unsatisfied."

"I am not!"

"I have seen you lie before so that's nothing new. Especially to yourself, you fucked-up piece of work, you."

"Excuse me?" Illumi felt as if his face was burning, his eyes stinging and burning.

"You can find something else to live for," Hisoka said. "Fun, or—"

"No!" Illumi shouted. He cursed, lowering his voice. He shook all over. "No, no, I can't—" His mind swum with memories, wrapping around his throat, choking him, flooding his lungs, drowning him. His brain felt fuzzy. His face felt wet. "Killua—before Killua—Killua made me feel—Killua—before him I knew all the correct answers about—supporting the family, giving it my all, the importance of—but when Killua was born it was like I actually understood it. I believed it. Killua made being in the family worth it, made life—he loved me." Illumi's skull felt as if it was made of lead. It hung low, hair covering his face, disguising him, but the words, they still came streaming out, cutting him along the way, bleeding out of him. Something dripped onto his hands.

"I just—wanted to matter to someone. I matter insofar as I can protect the family. Insofar as I can protect Killua. He'd realize it eventually. Even if I wasn't the heir anymore, even if I wasn't worth it, if he was, and he loved me—but—" He doesn't love me. He thought of Alluka. "And— it's my fault. He doesn't love me and it's my fault—I let him down somehow, I—"

"You didn't want your parents to get Milluki to pay for you to be stabbed."

"If it was the right—"

"Oh, cut the shit," said Hisoka. "God, you're insufferable, you know that, Illumi? Broken toys are dull, and so are robots. Use your brain for once on your own. You didn't want to be stabbed."

"I want to matter to them. To my family." Illumi wiped at his eyes. Am I crying?

He didn't remember ever having cried before. He must have as an infant.

"Well, you don't," said Hisoka. "You're an object. If you were like Alluka they'd lock you up. You're a tool."

"Shut up!" Illumi's fist shot out. Hisoka dodged it. "I'm not like—like—"

"Yeah," said Hisoka. "Alluka still has a brain and Killua's love."

Then I'll get rid of her. But that wouldn't solve the problem, would it? It wouldn't make Killua love him.

"Why—" Illumi choked out. "Why am I useless? Why am I not worth it? Why don't I matter? Why am I unloved? What did I do wrong? I've done everything they've ever asked, everything they've ever wanted, I've tried and I try and I will always try and—it's not enough. Why?" The words came out, exhausting him. He doubled over again. "I've done everything for them—for the business. I've lied, I've cheated, I've let people die, I had sex with people i didn't even like to earn their trust, I only ever did what they asked me to do, what I thought they wanted, and still."

Why? Why? Why why why whywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywh y w hy w h y?

What more can I do?

"Am I that deficient?" He turned to Hisoka. "Tell me."

"I think your parents are pieces of shit," said Hisoka. "Though I'm not one to talk. But yeah. You're that deficient because all you think about is what your parents want and not what you want. If you want to love Killua, if you want him to love you, love him and maybe let him use his own brain as he clearly wants to do instead of trying to control him."

Killua—wants—"What if it's too late? And what if I don't know how?"

Hisoka shrugged. "Who knows?"

Rage buzzed inside him. "You're deficient because all you think about is what you want," Illumi snapped. "What about what I want?"

"I thought we just established you want things you don't have and you're very out of touch with what you want."

"You're out of touch with it too," Illumi retorted. "You don't want fun nearly as much as you think." You want to feel alive.

I know, because that's all I want to. That's why he wanted to be loved. To feel alive.

"Incorrect. You're just fun for me."

Calm spread through Illumi. Liar. "You're here because you want to be. You don't know how to care so you rationalize it."

Hisoka cocked his head. "That's an interesting assessment."

"It's correct." Whether or not Hisoka realized it.

Hisoka didn't respond, and Illumi studied his floor, perfectly clean. He felt filthy, covered in some kind of thick grime he couldn't scrub off. Illumi buried his face in his hands. "I... don't know what to do." He hated himself for saying those words, the words his father told him never to say because there was always a solution. But if there was one now, he couldn't see it. He could only feel handcuffs on his wrists, digging into the skin. "It's too late."

"Probably."

Killua, please give me another chance. But… "If I stop trying to control Killua in order to get him to love me isn't that controlling too? Just different?" There was no way out of this cycle. It robbed him of his breath. Illumi wanted to scream, but he couldn't muster the air. Something clunked downstairs.

"This isn't fun to listen to anymore," Hisoka said, rubbing his temples.

"I used to be able to make him stop crying," Illumi said sadly. He pinched his hair. "When he was about two. He would stop crying when I held him. And then Dad told me to stop having him so dependent on me." But he'd never really stopped, had he? "So I let him cry it out. We played games together and then—they had to have a purpose, for Kil to learn. Dad would make me discipline him when he did something naughty and I never hated Dad when he punished me so—maybe—I thought he wouldn't—is that why?"

"He's. Not. You," stated Hisoka.

Killua's not the one who doesn't deserve to have friends.

That's me.

"Why even bother then?" Illumi asked. "If there's no hope?"

"Something else exciting might come around the corner?" Hisoka offered.

Illumi scowled. He squeezed his eyes shut. Someone love me. Someone love me. Anyone. What's wrong with me? Why did—why am I—A hot teardrop rolled down his face again. He felt empty.

A hand landed on his shoulder. Again. Again. Hisoka, awkwardly and comically patting his shoulder. Illumi turned to glare at him. "Knock it off."

"Thank you," said Hisoka in relief, withdrawing.

Illumi noticed something in his other hand. "Were you recording this?"

"You'll thank me later."

"I will not! Delete that!" At least anger felt familiar. His phone buzzed. Illumi yanked it out. If it was his parents—

It wasn't. It was Kalluto.

I'm tailing Killua. He's doing something royally stupid w Leorio but don't worry I'll take care of it. We'll be back as soon as possible.

"What the what?" Illumi exploded. They—what?

"Oh God, what now?" complained Hisoka. "I'm never getting laid."

Illumi flipped him off. He dialed Kalluto. Straight to voicemail. Killua, too. He raced down the stairs. Kurapika was asleep on the couch, but Leorio was gone. Illumi swore. He charged up the stairs and flung open Alluka's door. Alluka was curled up under the covers, but the goddamn window was fucking open. Illumi raced back down the stairs.

"What the hell?" Kurapika sat up, rubbing his eyes. "Is Gon—"

"I haven't heard, but where are Killua and Leorio?" demanded Illumi. He grabbed Kurapika by his collar.

"I have no idea," snapped Kurapika. His eyes darted around.

"What's all this ruckus?" complained Milluki, emerging from the basement. "Can't a man get any sleep?"

Illumi thrust his phone at Milluki with Kalluto's message. This is it. I'm really losing custody now. Any chance I have of bonding again with Killua will be ruined then.

Kurapika called Leorio. No answer. Kurapika swore. He called the hospital, asking if he could visit. The nurse informed him visitors were not allowed. But Illumi already knew, somehow, that they weren't there.

"Did they say anything?" Illumi shouted. "Kurapika, you—"

"Am I the only person who remembers there is someone else in this house who's shared a room with Killua?" asked Hisoka, rolling his eyes. "Or are you all truly that dense?"

Alluka.