Illumi flung the door open. Alluka curled up under her blankets, a soft rag doll clutched to her chest as she slept. Illumi flicked the light on. She didn't stir. Illumi approached, reaching his hand out to shake her.
Alluka shrieked. She jerked away, sitting up and clutching her doll to her chest.
"It's just me, Alluka," Illumi tried to reassure her. Please don't try to get my liver today.
Alluka cowered, but her eyes focused on Illumi's face. She recognized him, but still, her complexion stayed the pallor of milk and her knuckles blanched as she squeezed the doll. She trembled.
"Did you have a nightmare?" Illumi tried. How was he supposed to interact with her? He didn't even know.
She shook her head. "Where's Killua?"
Dammit. "That's why I came," said Illumi. "And what I wanted to ask you. We don't know where Killua's gone."
Alluka's eyes darted to Hisoka and Milluki, both in the doorway. Kurapika appeared, and relief saturated her features. Kurapika pushed his way in and sat down beside her.
She's… afraid of me.
My sister is afraid of me. Not just afraid. She was terrified. Maybe it was just that she was still half-asleep?
But no. He knew. She was afraid of him. Shame crawled through Illumi like a sluggish worm, winding its way through his limbs, coiling in his stomach.
"Do you know where he is?" Hisoka asked, entering the room and leaning back against the wall.
"Kalluto said he might be in danger," Milluki put in.
Alluka shook her head, looking up at Kurapika. "I don't know."
"It's okay to say if you do know," Kurapika encouraged her. "You won't be in trouble."
Oh. A good idea. Illumi nodded. "You won't be." He eased himself down on the bed. Alluka flinched.
Illumi met Hisoka's eyes. Clearly he'd noticed. I did this to my sister. I helped my parents do this to her.
"Killua's attachment to Alluka is a liability for him!" Dad fumed. "That little brat is going to destroy our entire family when he becomes Jack the Ripper by twelve!"
Alluka hardly looked like a murderer. Even when she was railing about livers, if Illumi remembered correctly. She looked like a sleepy, scared twelve-year-old, worried for Killua just like he was.
I'm so sorry.
"Alluka," Illumi managed, meeting her eyes. Please. "Killua and Leorio went somewhere, and Kalluto followed them and said it was dangerous, but he won't answer my calls. I want to save them. I don't want Killua getting hurt, or Kalluto, or even Leorio. I want to help them."
"I don't know where they went," Alluka whispered.
Why didn't his parents love Alluka?
Because they only love Killua because of what he can offer them, the family, the name, the prestige, the reputation, the pride.
They only love me for the same reasons. Milluki. Kalluto. But he loved Killua no matter what he could offer the family. Kalluto. Milluki. Alluka… could he love her too? Did he deserve to even try?
"Okay," Illumi choked out.
Alluka blinked, as if surprised he hadn't yelled at her, told her she was useless. Illumi remembered Dad doing that, breaking Alluka's dollhouse by kicking it, stomping on it, and then Dad stopped, because he was afraid. He and Mom started locking their door, and then they locked Alluka up because that was easier.
Only Killua tried to reach her.
"We'll find him," Illumi insisted. "I promise, Alluka."
Alluka's mouth opened in a small 'o.' Kurapika cocked his head. "Wait," said Alluka. "I do—Killua did mention that he was—he and Gon and Leorio were—trying to get enough money to protect him." She pointed up at Kurapika.
"Huh?" Kurapika's jaw fell open. "What the—"
"Perhaps you want to tell the class about the dangerous happenings you've been up to lately," Hisoka said, pulling his keychain from his pocket and tossing it from hand to hand.
Kurapika's eyes narrowed. His nose wrinkled. "I—"
"Tell me," Illumi demanded.
"But why would they intervene?" Kurapika burst out. "I don't understand; it doesn't have to do with them!"
"Because you're their friend," said Alluka, beaming at him.
Kurapika's mouth hung open. His eyes flickered scarlet for a moment. He swallowed.
"Well?" Illumi asked, struggling to maintain his patience. Kurapika was not family. "Where are they?"
"You don't need to ask him," said Hisoka. "They went to talk to the ant crew, didn't they? You actually did it, didn't you, Kurapika?"
Kurapika's face flushed. He studied his shoes.
"I was intrigued to see how far he'd go to get revenge on Chrollo," said Hisoka, gesturing. "Did you really hire them to kill him?"
Great. I now have a murderous juvenile under my roof. Another one.
"He stole everything!" Kurapika burst out. "He—"
"I don't know; I kind of think you could still go outside," Hisoka mused, tapping his chin with a nail. He directed his gaze towards Alluka. Kurapika's jaw tightened.
"They're going to ask them to stop?" Illumi asked.
"Pay them off, it sounds like," Hisoka confirmed.
"Well shit," said Milluki. Illumi glared at him. Not in front of Alluka.
But they'd go this far to protect a friend from their own stupidity? Illumi didn't understand, not exactly, but he knew he would go that far to protect Killua. He gestured to Kurapika. "Get up. We're going. Milluki, watch Alluka."
Alluka smiled at Milluki, who just looked stunned.
"Is this how Gon got hurt?" asked Milluki.
Illumi and Hisoka both turned to Kurapika, whose jaw hung open. "I—I—"
"What a great friend you are," taunted Hisoka.
"At least I have them, dumbass!"
"If you swear in front of Alluka again—" Illumi started, dragging Kurapika towards the stairs. He shoved him into the backseat of the car and jumped in, twisting the keys in the ignition. Hisoka got in the passenger seat. Kurapika doubled over, his fists clutching his knees. "Really? Murder?"
"If someone killed your family, or ruined them and they died, how would you feel?" Kurapika burst out. "How would you feel, Illumi Zoldyck?"
Illumi clutched the steering wheel. I'd want to kill them.
He thought of Killua, and Alluka. They just wanted to get away. They were better than him.
"I just want them back," Kurapika choked out.
"Too bad; they're dead," said Hisoka.
Kurapika hit Hisoka in the back of the head. Hisoka just laughed and kept typing the address into his phone for Illumi to find. "I love them—I need to—I miss—"
"You're lonely," stated Illumi, eyes flicking to the rearview mirror. His fingers felt cold again. You prefer the company of ghosts to people. Your friends.
Why are you so loyal to people who can't love you anymore?
He thought of his parents, and nausea gurgled inside his stomach. I can't be too late to stop Killua and Leorio and Kalluto. Please.
"Are you going to call the police on me?" asked Kurapika.
Hisoka let out a laugh.
"No," said Illumi. He'd had enough of cops. "I'm going to make you stop, though."
"Can you bring them back?" Kurapika asked, voice strained.
Illumi thought of Alluka inching away from him again. Was there a way to fix that? What if there wasn't? What if, forever, he was unloved because of his parents, because of what he'd done? Why? Why is it impossible? I can't stand this feeling.
I'm so alone. I'm pathetic. I'm worthless.
The care wound down a side street. Trash cans overflowed along the sides, and a broken window glinted. Paint peeled from the sides of buildings. Illumi stopped the car and slipped out. His heart pounded. Hisoka gestured to an off-white building at the end. Illumi reached for his pocket, where he kept a pocket-knife just in case. The hair on the back of Illumi's neck prickled.
Illumi slid along the wall, reaching for the door. It was unlocked. Great. Illumi shoved it open and entered what looked like an abandoned warehouse, metal shelves empty or covered with hanging, dusty strips of cloth. A phone flashlight glowed from across the room.
"Oh shit," said a voice.
"Killua!" Relief shot through Illumi. He raced towards his brother, footsteps echoing. "Kil, you—"
"Why are you here?" Killua demanded, stepping in front of Leorio.
Illumi skidded to a stop. Killua's eyes quivered. His hand outstretched in front of Leorio, as if protecting his much taller and older friend. His lips drew taught with unspoken things.
You… you're afraid.
Of me?
"You scared me," Illumi eked out.
You're afraid of me. Just like Alluka is. Was he really so terrible?
"Go away," Killua told him.
"No. You're scaring Alluka—she's worried—"
"Like you care!" Killua shouted. "It's rich, so rich, don't you think, Illumi? Now you care about Alluka when you can use her—"
Because all I do is use. That's all I know how to do. Illumi's mouth opened, but he couldn't come up with words. Please. Speak more. Yell at me. At least then, you're less afraid of me. At least them, I have hope.
"You two are fucking idiots!" Kurapika shouted. "What are you thinking? The ant crew will eat you alive, you—"
"I don't know, you seem to be quite chummy with them!" Killua shot back.
"Kurapika," said Leorio. "We're trying to help you. You'll regret this. It's not bringing you any happiness or any peace—"
"You're not me! And if you wanted to stop me, if you really cared, why didn't you just talk to me instead of running around putting yourselves in danger?" bellowed Kurapika. His hands tightened in fists at his side. His breaths came ragged.
"Because you don't listen," offered Leorio.
Kurapika's chest heaved. Sweat ran down his face.
"I know I'm not you," snapped Leorio. "I don't know what you feel like. But I know that I don't want my friend to turn into a murderer because you're better than that. You'd never forgive yourself, and you would regret it—"
"I have to—I can't do—nothing—"
Useless. The word echoed again and again in Illumi's mind. Was it so bad? To be useless? Was living, just living, useless anyways?
Living as a puppet—what if that was useless? Illumi's own hands shook.
"Don't we matter to you?" Leorio yelled. "Me? Killua? Gon? We care about you too, Kurapika! We love you! Don't we matter at all? Don't we matter? Or is it just the dead who matter to you? Why then are you trying to keep us alive by coming here? Why are you so stupid?"
"I'm stupid?" Kurapika demanded.
"Yes," said Killua. "You are. You're our friend. We love you. Why isn't that enough?"
Kurapika's face looked ashen. He shook his head. Tears wriggled out from his eyes. "I don't—know."
"We want to help you," said Leorio.
"By controlling—"
"Protecting—"
"It's not different—"
"Isn't it? Isn't it?" shouted Killua. Illumi felt as if his face was burning off, watching this, and yet he wanted it, he was envious, he wanted to bathe himself in this conversation, however shameless it was.
"I failed them!" Kurapika cried out, doubling over again. "I failed them, I left, I lied and snuck out—if I'd been there that night, Dad might not have drunk—I—I want to make it up to them, I want to make it right, I want to—" His chest heaved.
You think you're a bad son, Illumi thought. Maybe you were.
"Kurapika, please," Leorio whispered.
Killua stepped closer. "If Gon were here, he'd tell me to hug you," he said, reaching out and putting his hand on Kurapika's shoulder. "But I'm not Gon."
Kurapika looked up, his eyes swollen and red. He blinked.
Leorio grabbed both Killua and Kurapika in an embrace. Hisoka recorded in the background. Illumi stared. Why?
"What are you doing here?" demanded a voice. Illumi whirled, grabbing his pocket knife. A boy with green skin and a girl whose gaze fixated past Illumi stood there, hands clasped. Two large duffel bags hung from the boy's shoulder.
"Meruem," said Kurapika.
The boy studied them.
"We want to pay you to call off the attack you'd planned," Killua interjected, stepping on front of Kurapika.
"Attack?" asked the girl quietly. A blind girl, Illumi realized.
"Who's this?" asked Leorio.
"My girlfriend," answered Meruem. "We're getting out of here. Out of—this place. This city. There's nothing for us here except the same cycle—"
"Where are you going? The woods to find yourself?" quipped Hisoka.
"I don't know," answered the girl. "But wherever he goes, I feel like I'm at home."
Where is Kalluto? Illumi texted Kalluto. We got Killua.
No response.
"They're already gone," Meruem told them. "I only told Pitou that we were planning to leave-—the others don't approve—Pitou said they'd make the mission extra long to distract—"
"His house isn't far from here," said Hisoka. "I already texted Chrollo, which I hope you know was a massive sacrifice."
Kurapika shook from head to toe. "I—don't want to be a murderer."
Should have thought of that earlier. "They're not going to Chrollo's house, are they?"
"No," said Meruem. The kid's clothes stuck to him, grimy. You have nothing, do you?
Kurapika blanched.
You wanted them to die. The people he cares about. Just like Kurapika had lost his family thanks to Chrollo being selfish. Not that Illumi had blamed him at the time. He thought of the elderly couple crying in his office, the office he hadn't been in since this started. Denying them helped his business, helped his family business, helped his family, killed him.
Why don't I feel anything? Am I so far gone?
He hated this storm in his head, the incessant raining of thoughts, the way they blew around, rattling his mind. He wanted to shake it out of his skull, free himself. He met Kurapika's eyes. "Let's go."
"I can call them," said Meruem. "If you want. Pay them extra, not me. Komugi and I are out."
It'd be nice to turn and run, forget it all, have an ability to start fresh. But Illumi didn't want to shake off his family. He loved them.
"Why are you helping?" Kurapika asked, hair shrouding his eyes.
"Because—" Leorio started.
"Not you." He turned to Illumi.
"For my brother," Illumi said. The words stuck in his throat. "Because you're his friend."
Killua's jaw dropped.
"You're coming," Illumi added, pointing at Killua and Leorio.
The car ride was silent with the exception of Kurapika crying in the backseat, Leorio holding him. Killua avoided meeting Illumi's gaze in the rearview mirror.
The problem was figuring out which houses Pitou and the others would go to. Chrollo had a small group of reporters who worked with him, all thieves of information and not above anything to get the right kind of story. And yet. Chrollo cared about them. Like Mereum, as far as Illumi knew Chrollo came from nothing. And Kalluto must have figured it out. But Kurapika was an idiot who couldn't remember or think of where they might go. Illumi gripped the wheel in panic. If Kalluto—
"They're having a meeting right now," said Hisoka, not even glancing up from his phone. "You didn't think I wouldn't have figured out a way to have continuous access to Chrollo's phone, did you?"
"You're a creep," said Killua.
"You just don't like that I'm doing your brother."
Killua covered his ears with his hands. Illumi glared at Hisoka. "One more word and I'm kicking you out of the car."
"Ooh, scary. I'd like to see you try."
"There are kids in this car, Hisoka!"
Even Kurapika had stopped crying enough to gape at them.
"Anyways, it's at Machi's. You're welcome," said Hisoka.
"Thank you," Illumi said.
Kurapika bit down on his knuckles. Hisoka stared out the window, his jaw set as the buildings and traffic lights whirred past. Illumi pulled up in front of Machi's address. Machi had been a nursing student in university and was Hisoka's favorite person to annoy. Illumi hadn't given her a second thought since graduating.
"Do we wait outside?" asked Leorio. "Or just go in there and check on them?"
"I'll check on them," said Illumi. "Kurapika, you're coming in too." He presumed that meant Leorio was coming too. Kurapika hung his head. "Hisoka—"
"I'll babysit your brother and watch out for your other edgelord brother and also some assassins." Hisoka produced a stack of cards. "Should be fun."
"Hey!" Killua bellowed.
Illumi stepped out of the car into the crisp night air. Stars twinkled above, dark clouds twisted and reaching to cloak the moon. And that's when he spotted a dark figure darting across the yard. Illumi took off.
"Illumi!" bellowed Leorio, but Illumi reached the figure first. Pitou whirled around, their eyes sparking. A knife glinted in their hands, and as Illumi grabbed the kid, he realized oil coated Pitou's hands.
The brakes.
Really? You're that cliche?
Illumi grabbed the knife with his hand and twisted it out. The blade sliced into his flesh. Warm blood poured down his arm.
"Let go!" shouted Pitou. "You fucking—"
"Shut up, you—"
"Stop!" cried Kurapika.
The door flew open. Light poured onto the lawn, illuminating Illumi holding a kicking and bucking Pitou, Hisoka holding a crying blond boy, and Killua knocking a muscular bald boy down to the grass. Kurapika gaped and Leorio rubbed the back of his skull as Chrollo stormed out. "What in the hell is going on?"
Behind him appeared Machi, Feitan, Shalnark, and the rest. And. Kalluto.
"What are you doing here?" Illumi demanded. "Kalluto, I've been looking all over for—"
"Oh, you remembered me?" asked Kalluto, crossing his arms.
"He's been working for me," said Chrollo.
He's been… I know. Illumi was not amused that Chrollo said it like it was a trump card.
"I knew Killua wanted to stop him from getting everyone killed," said Kalluto. "So I've been sneaking around and exchanging information on the ant crew for them to protect Kil—"
"Amusing you snipped the brake lines," said Chrollo. "Good thing we were recording it all."
"Is that something you actually want to hand over to the cops though?" asked Illumi as Pitou kicked him in the shins. He held the kid away from him. "Considering what you did to his family?"
"Since when do you care about that?"
I don't. Except he cared about Killua, and Killua cared about Kurapika.
"How can you not care?" exploded Kurapika. "You—I lost—because of you—how would you like it if you lost every single person you cared about? If you lost all your subordinates? Or do you really think you're so special it doesn't matter what you do because you're entitled to—"
Chrollo stepped towards him, hands in his coat pocket. "Do you think you're so special that you can pass judgment and kill—"
"I hate you!" Kurapika yelled, voice raw. He doubled over. "I just—I want them back-"
"No, you don't," said Chrollo. "You want to see me suffer more than you want anything else. Otherwise you would have—"
"Shut up! I want them back!"
"You can't have them back. It is what it is."
"Well, I want them!" Kurapika glared.
"Well, I can't do anything about it." Chrollo clenched his fists.
"So what?" asked Leorio. "He's our friend. Even if he's fucking up right now. We still care about him."
How? Illumi didn't understand. Well-no matter what Killua did wrong, he would—but he's always performed. I don't know how to—be.
I'm afraid. Illumi loathed that thought. It stuck to him like gum. Pitou finally stopped struggling.
"I'm not interested in pressing charges," said Chrollo. "I am going to write an article, though. I'm sure everyone will be happy to know your role in this, Illumi."
"He had none," choked out Kurapika. "It was—me. And Meruem, but they're gone—"
"What?" yelped the blond boy Hisoka was holding. "They can't be gone!"
"You're stupid for not realizing he and Komugi were running away together," Pitou said, voice bored.
"No!" The boy clutched his face. He screamed. Clouds parted over the moon, drenching them all in silver blood.
"Fine," Illumi said, heart pounding. He thought of Biscuit Krueger. He heard his parents then. His father's voice, commanding. Take the blame. "Write that I had—it was my idea to lock Alluka up, it was my idea to—it wasn't—"
"Liar!" yelled Killua. "No. Illumi—" His brother's voice strained.
Illumi turned to look at Killua. His grip loosened on Pitou. Fury soaked Killua's tone. His eyes glittered in the moonlight. Tears. His brother was crying, and he glared at Illumi like he was a traitor. Like Illumi had broken a promise, a promise to protect him, to make him the best he could be.
"I'll make sure you're the best," Illumi said his brother when Killua was about seven months old and kept falling down. "You'll learn to walk. I promise. I know you're going to be exceptional, because you already are the best a Zoldyck can be."
Killua just stared up at him, big blue eyes unblinking.
He promised. If I say this, what happens to Alluka? He could practically feel Killua's anxiety pressing down. And he was causing it. This distress. It was on him.
He's not you.
"No," Illumi said. "Actually, that's a lie. My parents locked up my sister."
Killua's jaw dropped.
"They want me to lie and take the blame for them. I'll give you the details you want and you can publish your story." I knew, though. I did know.
"Well," said Hisoka. "If it helps, I may have recorded that conversation with your parents."
Illumi swallowed. He could only imagine Killua's reaction to hearing about that conversation.
"And what?" asked Chrollo. "In return, you'll keep Barbie from murdering me?"
"I'm pretty sure he doesn't have the spine," Illumi remarked. Kurapika was sobbing.
"And as for these kids?" asked Hisoka, nodding at Pitou, who glowered at him.
Illumi swallowed. He was not looking forward to calling Biscuit Krueger.