Thank you for reading! Last chapter :)

"You realize this doesn't look good. At all."

Illumi just met her gaze. The bright lights of the police station annoyed him. He wished he could throw a needle and shatter the bulbs. "I'm telling the truth; shouldn't you be happy?"

"Well, let's see. You took in a kid who tried to murder a group of people. You admitted to knowing your parents were abusing your sister and doing nothing about it. You—"

"How much of that didn't you already know?" Illumi cocked his head. "You're smarter than you look, and if I'm not incorrect, that's deliberate."

Biscuit arched her eyebrows. "Fair enough. I knew already. Most of this. Not Kurta's murder problem."

"Is he going to jail?" asked Illumi.

"Do you care?"

Not exactly, but then again, he didn't want Killua to be sad.

"No, Chrollo declined to press charges and we can't prove anything."

Of course. Chrollo was probably happy to destroy his family and Ging Freecss while he was at it. And Illumi was helping him do it. His throat tightened. He wanted to scream. Mom—Dad—why—don't you love me? Why wasn't I enough? I did everything right. He knew it, and still, the wound bled.

"We are mandating therapy though," said Biscuit. "In fact, if you want to keep your siblings under your roof, you're all getting therapy. All of you except Milluki because we can't mandate it for him, but if he does, it will help your case."

"So I can keep them?" Illumi asked, heart pounding. He thought—he thought—if they can stay under his roof—

"Yes, for now, but you're getting frequent check ups from me," stated Biscuit.

Illumi nodded. "Okay."

"No protests?" Biscuit shuffled her papers. "Can't say I'm not surprised."

I just—I love them. I want them. I want to protect the family I have left. Because I love them.

"You can go now," she informed him.

Illumi rose and left. He found Hisoka out in the waiting room looking bored as hell even with a sullen Killua, a crying Kurapika, Leorio with his arms around his blond friend, and Kalluto aggressively folding paper fans. "Let's go."

"You're not in prison," Hisoka remarked. "I'm impressed."

"You're still here. I'm impressed and annoyed," Illumi responded.

Kurapika stood in the back, uncertain. Illumi glared at him. "Come on."

"You're still—letting me come?" asked Kurapika.

"Not for your sake," Illumi replied. Killua glanced at him. Kalluto scowled, rubbing at his eyes.

The drive home was silent. Peach dawn glowed over the treetops, casting a shimmer over the damp road. Pitou and the other two were remanded to foster care. Illumi couldn't bring himself to ask where they were going. He had no idea what was going to happen when he walked in that door and they could all finally open their mouths. Would they? What could he even say? Did this make up for any of what he had done to Alluka, to Killua? Or was it still too late? Maybe he should just keep quiet.

I'm scared.

He still felt a sting on his cheek from where his father would surely slap him if he knew of Illumi's thoughts. Fear wasn't something he was allowed to feel. And yet, fear pulled his puppet strings. It always had been. He became fear.

Illumi pulled up in front of the house. He unlocked the door, feeling dread in every motion. Inside, he found Alluka asleep on the couch, Milluki snoring in an armchair. Alluka leaped to her feet when Killua tapped her on the nose. "Onii-chan!" She clung to him. Killua wrapped his arms around her, squeezing his eyes shut. Kalluto let out a huff and turned to storm towards his room.

"You're not going anywhere," said Illumi.

"Huh?" Kalluto looked at him.

Illumi held him by the back of his shirt. "You're staying here. We're having a—family meeting."

"I don't want to," said Kalluto.

"I don't care."

"Can we have coffee first?" whined Milluki.

"No." At this point, Illumi just liked saying that. Leorio grabbed Kurapika, pulling him back.

"I for one am staying," declared Hisoka, settling onto the floor. "This could be interesting."

Illumi ignored him. He sat on the couch, on the opposite end from Killua and Alluka, who both shied away from him. Kalluto stood with his arms crossed and a deep scowl set into his face. He was too young to make that face.

"We've been mandated to get family therapy," Illumi said. "Mom and Dad aren't getting custody back. Ever. The police know everything."

Alluka blinked. Illumi swallowed and forced himself to meet her eyes. "They won't hurt you anymore."

"So to keep us we need to talk to some stupid shrink about how we feel?" demanded Kalluto. Hisoka covered his mouth, snorting.

"Yes. Unless you'd rather go into a foster home." Illumi glanced at Killua. He wouldn't, would he?

He might. Illumi gulped.

"Why did you run off today, anyways?" demanded Killua, looking at Kalluto. Kalluto's eyes lit up, burning magenta. "You were really working with the spiders?"

Kalluto nodded.

"Are you stupid? That's—"

Kalluto's chin trembled.

"There are better ways—you could just talk to—"

"I paid them to protect you because I knew you were being a dumbass and trying to protect your friend!" shouted Kalluto. "The friend you actually cared about enough to notice something was wrong—you never noticed—me—you only cared about Alluka! It's always Alluka, Alluka, Alluka, but—I—paid attention—I—" Kalluto lunged, reaching out as if to hit Alluka. Killua grabbed Kalluto's wrists. Kalluto screamed.

Illumi made no move towards them. He couldn't. His chest felt as if rocks were piling up inside it.

"I dressed like her—I did everything—I just wanted—" Kalluto gasped.

Killua shook him. "Hit me if you have to hit someone!"

"No!" Kalluto looked horrified.

"This is all—Mom and Dad." Killua glared. "You had them! You had Mom's devotion, you had—you could go outside, you could ask for things, you could leave! Alluka had nothing and no one!"

"You saw how they treated her!" Kalluto yelled. "What kind of devotion can I even—could I even—" He stopped. His voice cracked, and he covered his eyes. A messy sob broke through.

He's ten years old. Illumi wanted to reach for him. He's his brother. But Kalluto wanted Killua. If he'd said anything about Alluka, Mom would have turned on him, and she was the only… Illumi swallowed.

"Why did you leave us?" Kalluto wailed. "Why didn't I matter to you? We're your family!"

Killua looked horrified. But he's only fourteen. Illumi curled his fists. Hisoka produced his phone and Illumi shot him a look that threatened his life.

But Killua reached out, and folded his arms around Kalluto. Kalluto hesitated, and then wilted, sobbing as he clung to Killua. And Killua just looked lost, confused, like a child.

"I missed you," Alluka said quietly.

Kalluto sniffled, looking up, his entire eyes swollen and red now. They'd been close, as children. Illumi remembered them playing together as toddlers, both chasing Killua around as Illumi watched. And then Alluka's instability started poking out, jarring everything, all the set up, all the neat order the family followed. And now it had finally come crashing down. Kalluto blinked.

Alluka threw her arms around Kalluto, and the tightness in Illumi's throat and chest snapped. He turned away.

"Shit," said Milluki.

Illumi realized everyone was looking at him. He didn't know what to say, or what he could say. Words churned through his mind, slapping him because none of them were good enough—he was never good enough. Not to be the heir to the family business. Not to be their brother. He shook his head.

"Okay fine," said Hisoka with a sigh. He held up his phone. Illumi's voice filled the air.

"Hey!" Illumi shouted. "You kept that recording? Turn that off!"

"Illumi, I record you all the time. You're practically internet famous."

"Turn it off!" Illumi leaped to his feet. Killua just gaped.

"No," said Hisoka. "Not unless you actually want to say what you said earlier. Which I doubt very much since it was like you were dying trying to force it out of yourself."

Illumi felt as if fire spread through his veins. He heard his voice, crackling as he talked about Killua, about his parents, about—what he wanted. Illumi dropped onto the couch and buried his face in his hands. There was no other way, was there? They had to hear it. His eyes tickled. Something wet dropped between his fingers, onto his knees. Shit.

I hate everything.

No. He didn't hate Killua. Or Kalluto, or Milluki, or Hisoka, or even Alluka, not anymore.

I don't know how to live.

I don't know how to be a good big brother to Killua, to Kalluto, to Alluka, to even Milluki.

I'm broken.

I want to die. I don't want this to be my life.

"Illumi," said Kalluto, the moment Hisoka switched it off.

I'm so lonely.

"Illumi," said Milluki. "Yikes. Like, I didn't expect—"

"Oh shut up," snapped Killua.

Illumi stiffened. And then it was stinging his throat, scraping it. The words. The ones he'd been looking for. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Words, insufficient bandaids that couldn't mend Killua or Alluka or Kalluto. And he couldn't even say them. Because they were so flimsy. Alluka… she just wanted to be loved, too, didn't she? And she was locked up. Because they were afraid of her. I'm a monster.

"Aniki," said Kalluto, voice still trembling. "I care."

Illumi blinked. He lifted his face from his hands, wiping at his eyes. Kalluto twisted his kimono in his hands. "I... was wrong." I'm sorry I didn't act like I cared.

"Why did you try to control me?" asked Killua. "That makes me—not want to love you."

Illumi wanted to throw a needle at Hisoka now. The dumb clown just smirked. "I—don't want to risk losing you." I can't fathom what that would be like. But I've lost you, haven't I, anyways? Because of me. The irony was suffocating. "If you were gone, I'd—" I thought I would lose hope.

I would be unloved.

I thought loving you, you loving me, would make Mom and Dad love me.

"You were the only one that made me think I was loved." And he clung to it. Those memories. Killua waking him up, worried. Killua stopping crying in his arms. Killua running towards him, chubby arms outstretched.

"You don't have to be so afraid of losing me," Killua said, voice rough. "I can't be what you want, but I'm still here. I just have friends, too."

Illumi nodded. "I'm going to—try to stop." I have to stop.

"I wish you wanted to be my friend," said Killua.

Illumi sucked in his breath. He turned to Killua. A friend and a brother? Someone who—like Leorio and Kurapika and Killua and Gon—risked it all for each other, but who laughed together, who enjoyed each other's company? "I do want to be," Illumi whispered.

"Well," said Killua, and then fell silent.

"Alluka," Illumi said, focusing on her behind Killua. Her blue eyes were wide, taking everything in. "I'm—so sorry." Finally. He could say it. But they were just words, paper phrases. He had to provide the foundation, make them real. Tell me what to do.

No one would. He had to figure it out himself. The thought was terrifying.

"If you knew what it was like to be controlled so much, why did you do the same to me?" demanded Killua. He wasn't looking at Illumi any more. His fists curled, like Illumi's did at times.

Killua was controlled, the weight of the world placed on his shoulders because he resembled their father in temperament and had his hair. Alluka couldn't be controlled so she was locked up. And Kalluto was forgotten. And Milluki spoiled. And him, broken, carved into a perfect son who still wasn't perfect enough and so they kept whittling until Illumi wasn't certain enough of him was left. Maybe therapy was a good idea for all of them.

"Is there anything you wouldn't do for Gon or for Kurapika or Leorio?" asked Illumi finally.

I hurt Killua.

And it wasn't for his own good. It was—for me. For them. For me, because I wanted—I wanted—

Kalluto sniffled again, and Killua reached out and put his hand on Kalluto's shoulder. Kalluto's eyes lit up, and Illumi wished he was more like Killua. Alluka closed her eyes, drool dribbling down her chin.

"Okay," Illumi said. "New sleeping arrangements. Alluka, Killua, Kalluto, you take the room upstairs. Kurapika and Leorio, take the room downstairs. Milluki, enjoy your couch."

"We all need sleep," Milluki agreed, yawning. Kalluto looked hopefully up at Killua and Alluka.

"Obviously we share," purred Hisoka.

Illumi waited until they were upstairs to kick him.

"What was that for? I'm helping you!"

"You're helping yourself," Illumi countered, shutting the bedroom door. "I have no idea what you're getting out of it, though. Misery doesn't usually excite you."

"Mmph." Hisoka lay back on the bed. Illumi's eyelids felt heavy, swollen, weighted down. "You like me being here."

"You are delusional," Illumi remarked, climbing under the covers.

"But you do. I know. I can tell."

"And what, you want to see why?" Illumi asked. Because you have no other meaning to your life. He needed pleasure to survive, little bursts of life, adventure and fun before dying. Two could play this investigative game, though. Illumi allowed his breathing to slow. Before he actually fell asleep, he rolled over to leave his hand just barely brushing Hisoka's elbow. Hisoka didn't move.

He woke to the sound of the doorbell. Bleary-eyed, Illumi fumbled for his phone. Eleven in the morning. He scrambled down the stairs. Probably it was Biscuit Krueger. Hopefully not to take them away.

The door flew open before Illumi could even reach it. He skidded to a halt, heart sticking to his chest, windpipe to his throat, air swelling. His father stood there, mother behind him, weeping from behind her ever-present glasses. Dad clutched a small silver key in his hand.

Of course. He had a key to Illumi's place the whole time. Illumi was not surprised. And yet it still prickled, and that surprised him. "You're not allowed to be here."

"You disappoint me," stated Dad.

"I'm aware," Illumi heard himself say.

"Let us in, Illumi, please," begged Mom.

Illumi didn't understand. "You're already inside."

"I want to see—I need to talk to Killua, to Kalluto—I need to—"

"But—"

"We've been informed we're going to be arrested later today, because you lied to—"

"I didn't lie," Illumi stated. Words scraped his throat as he forced them out. He felt like he would throw up. Love me. Love me. But he couldn't see his mother's eyes and his father's face was so cold. It was the face he tried to imitate forever. It was the face he was making now. Expressionless, because he didn't know how to converse without it. He thought of his talk with Killua, Kalluto, Alluka. He'd said he was sorry to Alluka.

True or lie?

I want it to be true. Illumi opened his mouth. "If you didn't want to be punished, then why did you lock Alluka up?"

"He is a—"

"She," Illumi said. The clock ticked and tocked in the background. "Alluka is a she." You don't even know that, do you? You don't even know her.

Neither do I.

"It doesn't matter," said Dad. "The point is, for the good of the family, we don't spill our secrets. You knew that, Illumi. Of all my children, you were always the most obedient—"

Love me. Love me.

Please?

His mother looked past him, looking for Killua.

"But—that was all you wanted from me," Illumi stated. He looked down at his feet, bare, cold on the wooden floor. You didn't want my love. You didn't care.

You don't love me. And he had no answers for it. You only see me as an extension of yourself, a leg on a monster, a cog in a machine.

"Illumi!" shrieked his mother. She reached for him. Illumi couldn't push her away. His body hurt. His arms trembled.

I want to matter. He thought he could only matter to Killua, to the family, but he wanted more. He heard a crunching sound in the bedroom. Kurapika and Leorio were certainly awake now, listening. A creak echoed on the staircase.

"I'm going to raise them," said Illumi. "Killua. Kalluto. Alluka." He'd take in Gon Freecss if they'd let him again.

"You will not," Dad said. "You will call Biscuit Krueger and state that you were lying—"

"But I wasn't lying. Not then." It's true, it's true. I'll make it true. I'll be sorry.

Dad's eyes narrowed. He towered over Illumi. "Yes. You were."

Illumi felt small again, like a child. His hair dangled down his back, smooth like Dad taught him. If you're going to have long hair, you need to take care of it. You didn't as a kid. "I wasn't."

"Killua will just run away from you again!" shrieked Mom. "He is so bitter with you, Illumi, because of you raising—"

"You're the one he's most angry with," Dad agreed. "Is that a lie? Wasn't it just jealousy, a desperation to control some of the business that you lost because you simply weren't as talented despite being the eldest?"

Illumi's heart pounded. He couldn't speak. Because it wasn't a lie. Even after their conversation. I hurt Killua most.

"You're a disgrace," Dad said. "You're no better than Alluka, and you're an abusive—"

"I rather think it takes one to know one," said Illumi.

Dad struck him then. The blow stung. Blood dripped down Illumi's face, warm. It splattered onto the floorboards. "You," Dad seethed. "Are not my son if you continue to have that attitude."

"I don't think genetics work that way," drawled a voice from the corner.

Illumi lifted his head. Hisoka leaned against the rail for the staircase, smirking. Illumi caught a glimpse of Milluki, hiding on the basement staircase. Afraid.

"You must be that clown," stated Dad. "That hedonistic fool."

Hisoka arched his eyebrows and rubbed his chin, long nails scratching. "Hisoka Morow. I'm afraid you're rather less interesting than I'd hoped. That being said, if you ever want to spar, you know where to find me, since you seem to have heard all about me."

"What are you doing?" Illumi asked Hisoka.

"My future in-laws don't like me, Illumi," said Hisoka. "Heartbreaking."

Dad's face turned purple. Illumi contemplated killing Hisoka. Mom let out a cry. "Illumi—"

"We—" started Illumi. Are not engaged? Have only had sex once? Have not even tried to define the relationship? Then again he wasn't sure they needed to. Whatever it was, it was. Mutually beneficial. Hisoka was the one helping him find his siblings and keep them, after all. Illumi closed his mouth. Hisoka grinned, eyes sparking gold.

"You're dating him?" hissed Dad.

"Yes," said Illumi, heartbeat slowing. I suppose.

"Now please leave," said Hisoka, flicking his hand. "Or else I'll have to call Ms. Krueger to protect my siblings… in-law."

"You can't trust him, Illumi!"

Not at all. But he knew Hisoka, and could read him. Illumi cocked his head. "Leave. I won't let you hurt Killua or Kalluto or Alluka again. I'll—get Alluka the help she needs."

"That thing is beyond help."

His heart pounded. Dad had said that. He had said that. For so many years. And now he knew. Not true. "She's my sister," Illumi said.

Dad's hand rose again, and this time, before he struck Illumi, someone grabbed his wrist. Illumi's jaw fell open, true surprise whooshing through him.

Killua glared up at their father. "Leave him alone."

"Killua!" cried Mother, reaching for him.

Killua shoved her away. The door opened, and now Kurapika and Leorio came into the room, Kurapika's eyes still flaming red after probably crying for hours. Milluki emerged. Footsteps pounded down the stairs, and Kalluto and Alluka both stood there, clad in pajamas.

"You leave Illumi alone," said Killua. "Leave us all alone. Leave Alluka alone. Leave Kalluto alone. Leave Milluki alone and for God's sake leave me alone."

"Son," Father started. "Illumi is the one who—"

"Shut up!" screamed Killua. "Because of you, because of you, because of you! I don't want to take over your business! I want to—I want to—I don't know what I want to do!" He gripped his hair.

Father laughed.

"But I know I want to be with my friends," continued Killua. "And I want to—protect Alluka. And I want to get to know Kalluto and Milluki. And I want to try with Illumi because he's not as broken as you think."

Illumi just gaped.

"And his clown boyfriend's annoying and disgusting but he's not trying to control me," added Killua. Hisoka guffawed.

"Get out," Illumi said again. True, true, true. I want them to leave.

Not true. He wanted them to stay. But he wanted them to stay and love him, love them, but they wouldn't. And he wanted to cling to what he did have for love. His siblings. They are my family.

"Kalluto—" Mother wailed.

Alluka covered Kalluto's ears as his pink eyes filled with tears. And Kalluto held Alluka, glaring at his parents. Choice made. Again, Killua was saving him. "Get out," Illumi repeated. "Get out, now, or I'll call the police."

"I already have a number pulled up on my phone," said Milluki, holding up his phone. "Biscuit Krueger's personal number. Got you covered, Illumi."

Oh, that's right. "And yes," added Illumi. "I know what you paid Milluki to do. Get out, and don't make me say it again."

Mother let out a cry. Father grabbed her. "Look at what you're doing, Illumi. You're hurting us!"

"Really, we're all doing it," said Killua. "Bye."

Illumi locked the door behind them and made a mental note to get the locks changed ASAP. His face burned and ached from his father's slap. This is it. They'll never forgive me for this. Never. I've cut myself off, forever. He rested his forehead on the door.

"Thank you," he heard a voice say behind him, jolting him. Illumi turned. Killua met his eyes. "For standing up for Alluka."

Illumi nodded. The image of the key in his father's huge hand struck him again. Was this how he made Killua feel? His choices had never mattered, except for himself. "I'm sorry," he whispered, finally, to the brother he hurt most. But really, he hurt them all, didn't he? Except perhaps Milluki. Kalluto was ignored, Killua controlled, Alluka his sister abused. And hearing it out loud made it real, shone a light revealing his stains. "All of you. I am sorry." It's so hard to feel this way. It was so much easier to be a puppet. "You're… braver than me, Kil." Because he was afraid of what was coming. It would hurt.

Kurapika and Leorio glanced at Killua, whose eyes grew huge. He took a step forward. Arms wrapped around Illumi's waist. Killua's. He was… hugging him?

Illumi didn't know what to do. It'd been so long. At least a decade. Maybe more. His hands hovered over Killua's back. What do I do?

Killua pulled back and crossed his arms. Illumi swallowed. And then he gave Killua a small smile.

Alluka clapped her hands. "We should all play Shiratori!" She beamed at Kalluto. "And can you show me how to dress in that kimono?"

Kalluto blinked and nodded. Hisoka snorted.

"Later. Why don't we call the hospital?" asked Illumi. "Killua. We can find out how your friend's doing."

The nurse gave them good news: Gon was recovering. Visiting hours weren't until noon, though, and Ging Freecss still had not visited. Killua scowled when he heard that.

"We'll go," Illumi said. "I'll drive the four of you." He headed into the kitchen to make coffee. "We'll play Shiratori in the car."

Alluka clapped her hands.

"You know," said Hisoka's voice behind him. "That whole—confrontation with your parents—was hot."

"Hot like coffee," said Illumi, watching the brown liquid drip into the pot.

"Puns are not funny, Illumi. That was terrible." Hisoka looked offended

Illumi tossed his hair. "Yes, they are." He reached out and put his hand on Hisoka's hip, sliding lower.

"If this is your idea of flirting I'm out of here."

"No," said Illumi, the smell of coffee wafting up and energizing him. "We're too interesting. You don't want to leave."

I might do a sequel at some point just to check in and see what new fresh hell this household is up to, but we'll see!