I'm lowering the rating to PG-13 for now, cuz I don't really think there's anything in the first eight chapters or so that warrants an R rating, but I am going to be moving it later, so if you don't have an account and find this fic after each update via the old-fashioned way, then be forewarned that it'll eventually be moved to the R section.
I'm not sure when chapter four will be up; when I first wrote this fic, it had a few things in it that I no longer like, and a lot of them are in chapter four, so I'm going to have to put some effort into fixing chapter four before it's ready to post. For those of you who are wondering, a new chapter of "Just a Harmless Joke" is on its way in the next few days, and I hope to have "The Prank War" updated by Monday. Still no word on "Private Thoughts" or the two sequels I've promised, though, and I doubt I'm going to get around to writing "Why One Should Never Give an Owl Canary Creams" for a good long while. Summer, maybe then.
This fic is dedicated to Wills, my creative inspiration and a very good friend, who's also an awesome author. Go check out her stories, they're all great; she's called Freyja SilverWillow on this site.
Well, here's chapter three—read it and REVIEW IT!
Chapter Three
Dealing With It
Professor Minerva McGonagall had just left Dumbledore's office and was almost at the end of the corridor when she was forced to flatten herself against the wall or risk being run over. A screaming, frightened Draco Malfoy ran past, reached the gargoyle blocking the entrance to Dumbledore's office, and started shouting all manner of passwords at it, to no avail. Just as McGonagall started to leave the safety of the wall, she was forced to dive back again. Ron Weasley had appeared, howling like a banshee. With a panicky "Oh, shit!" Draco turned right and began to run along the next corridor.
Harry Potter reached the hallway just in time to see Ron disappear around the far bend to the right. "Ron! Stop!" he shouted, and chased after him.
"Catch him, Harry!" That was Ginny Weasley, gaining on Harry as Harry, too, turned the far corner.
"Leave him alone, Ron!" came Hermione Granger's wail a moment later, running after her friends.
"I'LL MAKE SURE YOU NEVER GRADUATE!" roared none other than Professor Severus Snape, not far behind.
"This is awesome!" yelled George Weasley as he followed, one purple and one black dress robe under his arm.
"Hi Professor!" called Fred Weasley gleefully as he, too, dashed around the corner, carrying a pair of high heels.
McGonagall stared after them in surprise, then smiled and shook her head. She leaned against the wall and waited.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" screamed Draco; he had come full circle and was running past McGonagall again.
"RRRRRAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!" Ron ran past as well. McGonagall had planned to use her wand to stop him, but hadn't expected Ron to gain on Draco and wasn't ready in time.
"Stop it, Ron!"
"Ron, you idiot!"
"There's no need to kill him!"
"FIFTY POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR!"
"MUAH HAH HAH HAH HAH!"
"This is great!"
McGonagall had a strange vision of the eight of them singing their screamed words to the tune of "The Twelve Days of Christmas." She couldn't help it; she burst out laughing.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"
"RRRRRAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!"
"Knock it off!"
"I'm going to owl Mum, I swear!"
"Please, Ron!"
"I'LL HAVE YOU EXPELLED!"
"I wish we had a camera!"
"I can't wait 'til we tell Lee!"
McGonagall forced herself to get control and braced herself to stop the bizarre parody of a track meet. She waited again, wand at the ready, then...
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" yelled Draco as he hurtled past.
"RRRRRAAAAAGGG—ugh!"
McGonagall's wand set a jet of silver light at Ron, freezing him to the spot.
Unfortunately, she didn't have time to stop the others.
"Slow down—oof!" Harry collided with Ron.
"You're being a total prat—ow!" So did Ginny.
"Would you listen to me—ouch!" Hermione.
"I'M GOING TO MURDER YOU LITTLE BUGGERS—shit!" Snape.
"Uh-oh—pileup! Ack!" George.
"Wipeout! Aah!" Fred.
Well, at least they've all stopped, however painfully, McGonagall thought.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"
Except for Draco.
"AAAAAHHHH!" Blinded by the last corner, Draco, like the others, didn't see that Harry, Ginny, Hermione, Snape, Fred, and George had all run directly into a frozen-solid Ron. At the last impact the others, who had only barely maintained their footing, toppled like dominos behind Ron, landing in a tangle of arms, legs, and robes, all of them yelling and swearing. It was beyond hysterical, seeing the lot of them crumpled in a heap before her, a shouting mass of arms and legs topped by two dress robes and a pair of high heels.
McGonagall was nearly crying with laughter.
Draco stared straight at Fawkes, Dumbledore's pet phoenix, doing his best to ignore the incredulous and accusing looks from Harry and Ginny, the confused and curious glances from the Weasley twins, and the tired, disgusted gaze of his godfather, professor, and Head of House. Dumbledore, who had come down right after their painful stop to see what all the commotion was, had sent all of them up to his office after telling Snape to conjure up some chairs and wait while he, McGonagall, and Hermione calmed down Ron. It seemed to be taking an awfully long time, and the stares of the others and the whispers from the portraits on the wall of all the previous headmasters and headmistresses were starting to drive Draco crazy.
Apparently, they were driving Harry crazy too. Harry suddenly jumped to his feet and screamed, "HOW could you MARRY Hermione?!"
"You did what?" exclaimed Fred and George together.
"I didn't mean to!" Draco protested.
"How do you accidentally marry someone?" Ginny demanded.
"I was drunk, okay?" Draco snapped. "She was too."
"What the hell were you drinking?" George wanted to know, staring at him in awe.
"Did you shag her?" Fred asked with interest.
"Please, do not answer that question, Draco," Snape cut in. "I'm going to have enough nightmares as it is."
"Was it good?" George asked, ignoring Snape. Draco hung his head in his hands, his usually pale face tinged bright red.
"Will you two shut up?" Harry snapped. "Of course he shagged her, you idiots!"
Snape made an involuntary gagging noise.
"I was drunk!" Draco whined. "I was drunk, I barely remember anything!"
"Tell us what you do remember?" Fred begged.
"Please?" George added hopefully.
"I'm in the Twilight Zone," Snape chanted, as though trying to convince himself. "I've gone mad. This isn't really happening."
"It doesn't matter if you were drunk!" Harry snarled, also ignoring Snape.
"I wish I was drunk right now," Ginny said, rubbing her temples.
"That makes two of us," Snape agreed.
"It was a mistake, an accident," Draco insisted. "It shouldn't have happened."
"You're damn right, it shouldn't have happened!" Harry shouted.
"Anyone want a whisky?" Snape asked listlessly. He had conjured a small bottle of Ogden's Old Firewhisky, which Ginny snatched gratefully and took a long gulp from. Snape blinked in surprise and tried to snatch it back, not having expected anyone to hear him, let alone take him seriously.
Fred pried the bottle from her fingers, a bit startled at his baby sister's actions. "Haven't you learned anything about what happens when you get drunk?" he teased, before realizing the implications of his statement.
Ginny glanced at Snape. "Ew!" she shrieked, gagging and clutching her stomach.
"EW!" shouted the rest of the room.
"Give me that!" Snape growled, yanking the bottle away from Fred and starting to chug.
The door opened just then, and Albus Dumbledore's amused eyes swept over the disgusted faces of Harry, Ginny, Draco, Fred, George and the alcohol-guzzling professor. Behind Dumbledore stood a trembling Hermione and a silently fuming Ron, who cast Draco a murderous look but didn't lunge forward again. Dumbledore conjured two new seats for Ron and Hermione as Harry sat back down in his own. Sitting down behind his desk, Dumbledore looked at each of them in turn. "As we are all aware, Draco and Hermione are now Mr. and Mrs. Malfoy."
Every last one of them flinched, and Snape threw his head back as he got closer to the bottom of the bottle and drank faster.
"Not for long, they're not," Harry said heatedly. Now that Ron was under control, he had plenty of time to be angry with Draco himself. Then he frowned and looked at Hermione uncertainly. "Right?" he added.
"Of course we're not staying married, are you mad?!" Hermione exclaimed, looking rather offended. Harry shot her an apologetic look.
"Unfortunately," Dumbledore said slowly, "wizard marriages are not easy to break."
"Oh, no," said Snape, who had paused in his drinking. "This... they... oh, god." He conjured an extra bottle, though already becoming quite drunk.
"What do you mean, they aren't easy to break?" Hermione demanded. The others looked confused, also; Harry and Hermione had grown up among Muggles, and the Weasleys had grown up in a loving family. Only Draco and Snape seemed to know what Dumbledore was talking about; Draco looked stricken and Snape was drinking even faster.
"In order for a witch and wizard to have a marriage dissolved, several things have to happen," Dumbledore explained. "First, they must prove beyond shadow of a doubt that they both wish to break things off."
"We can do that," Hermione said. "Er, no offense, Draco."
"None taken," Draco replied with a shrug.
"Second," Dumbledore continued, "there must be an excess of fighting and disagreements."
The troublemaker in Draco reared its ugly head. "We've already had several arguments, one particularly bad fight already. Perhaps you'd like to tell them about it, Hermione?"
Realization dawned on her and she sent gave the pocket concealing her underwear a panic-stricken glance. "No, thank you," she said through gritted teeth.
"What are you talking about?" Ginny asked suspiciously. The twins were looking back and forth between Hermione and Draco eagerly.
"Nothing," Hermione said quickly. "Er... please continue, professor."
"Third," Dumbledore went on, giving her a small smile that gave Draco the sinking feeling he knew exactly what Draco was talking about, "if the wife is with child, the marriage cannot be dissolved for at least one year and one day following the birth of the child.
Six sharp intakes of breath sounded from Harry, Snape, and the four Weasleys, and everyone looked at Hermione. "I am so not pregnant," she said firmly, having cast a few charms on herself in the bathroom at the hotel that morning. "That's for sure." She sent a furious glare at Draco, who gulped and tried to get his heart rate to return to normal.
"Fourth, the couple cannot file for divorce or annulment until one month of marriage has been completed—" there were angry outbursts and startled exclamations at this "—and a court date may take a while to set."
"How long is a while?" Hermione yelped, getting to her feet.
"And that being the case," Dumbledore continued as though she hadn't spoken, "it is best that the husband and wife remain in the residence together, so that grounds for the dissolution of the marriage can be more firmly established."
"WHAT?" Everyone but Snape and Dumbledore was on their feet in a flash, shouting.
"I have to live—"
"No way in hell—"
"You've got to be kidding—"
"If he thinks—"
"I won't let—"
"Give me Voldemort again—"
Dumbledore cleared his throat. "I am sorry. If the marriage contract is to be broken, this is the only way. The Wizengamot tends to frown on divorces and annulments when a couple has not even tried to make their marriage work."
"Why on earth would we want to try?" Hermione wailed.
They gaped at him. They shouted at him. They begged, they raged, they pointed fingers. Through it all, Dumbledore remained impassive.
Then, he gave them one final piece of legal advice.
"It is also in your best interests," Dumbledore said, choosing his words carefully, "to reside in only one bedroom."
"As in only one bed?" Fred asked, staring at Dumbledore in disbelief.
Silence reigned for a good long while. Then Hermione exploded.
"What do you mean only one bedroom and one bed?!" she shrieked. "I have to... we're supposed to... no!"
Hermione and Draco were stuck with each other.
There were still two weeks of school left, and school regulations kept Draco and Hermione from having to share a room. Unfortunately, Ron was still incredibly angry with both of them, refusing to speak to Draco and barely speaking to Hermione, though Harry and Ginny stood by them with only the occasional bit of bad jokes and yelling.
Tuesday, two days after the talk in Dumbledore's office, Ginny and Hermione sat in the Gryffindor common room, chatting and enjoying the time when all of the other students were in class or out on the grounds and the common room was empty. Ron sat nearby, lost in thought and still angry. Ginny, who'd become rather close to Hermione over the years as her only real female friend, had done her best to cheer Hermione up and insist that Ron would get over it.
"So where's Harry, anyway?" Ginny asked, glancing at her watch. Harry had been missing for the past two hours.
"I don't know," Hermione said, frowning slightly. "He got a letter this morning and went running off."
"Who was the letter from?" Ginny said.
"I'm not sure, but it looked pretty official," Hermione said. She turned to Ron tentatively. "Do you know, Ron?"
"No," he said shortly, not looking at her.
Hermione sighed and Ginny rolled her eyes at Ron in irritation. Deciding that Ron's sulkiness had lingered long enough, she opened her mouth to tell him off, but just then the portrait hole opened and Harry jumped through, looking more cheerful than he had in ages.
"You'll never guess what I just found out!" he fairly shouted, dashing over with a sheaf of papers in his hand. "I have a house!"
"Um... what?" Ron said, confused.
"I contacted Sirius's lawyer over the weekend," Harry said in a rush, "and you won't believe what he said."
"What?" Hermione asked, leaning forward. After Sirius's death in the Department of Mysteries, Harry had been approached by Sirius's lawyer, who informed Harry that Sirius's will clearly stated that nearly all of Sirius's assets were to go to Harry (the rest divided between Lupin and Sirius's only other living blood relative, Tonks). Harry had signed some papers, but hadn't really given much thought to what all he'd received, feeling far too unhappy at the time to care about a few more Galleons in the bank.
"Apparently, Sirius bought a house right before he joined the original Order of the Phoenix," Harry said, "a huge house—and it's mine now. It'll need some work, some new appliances and stuff, but it's still livable, given all the enchantments Sirius had placed on it. And his lawyer—friend of his and Dumbledore's who believes Sirius was innocent—thinks that Sirius put some more money into the house after he got out of Azkaban, that he used Lupin to fix it up after twelve years of being abandoned. It's possible that he's right—Lupin had always had a key to it, anyway, them being best friends and all. Anyway, it's huge, and it's empty, and it's mine. I can move in as soon as I leave Hogwarts. We can move in." He paused, a look of doubt settling on his face. "I mean, if you guys want to. I got permission from Dumbledore to go see it this evening; he said we could all go, since we're all old enough to Apparate. I figured, if we all went and saw it, and if you guys like it—"
"Harry, stop the stammering," Ginny ordered.
"Yeah, mate, it's not as if I'm not moving in the first chance I get," Ron added.
"I'm sure Mum will let me come, too; you're like a son to her, and it won't be too weird for her with Ron and Hermione there," Ginny agreed.
"I—" Hermione began, then stopped.
"Hermione," Harry said, correctly guessing her thoughts, "you're one of my best friends, and Draco is still a good friend of mine, regardless of this whole mess. Just because you have to live with him doesn't mean I don't want you living with me."
"I don't want him living with me," Ron snarled.
"I know you're upset, Ron," Harry said diplomatically, cutting off an angry retort from Ginny, "but this really and truly isn't too big of a deal when it comes down to it. They'll get the marriage annulled; they don't even remember what happened, for crying out loud." He sighed. "Let's not ruin our last few days at Hogwarts—and our last summer before we start work—by dwelling on this, please?"
Harry's logic finally seemed to penetrate Ron's fog of rage. The look on Ron's face softened, and he nodded, though he didn't exactly look happy. "You're right, Harry. If he wants to come, I'll deal with it."
"I think Draco should come with us to look at it, you know?" Ginny said, giving Ron a relieved smile. "To see if he likes it, too."
Harry nodded. "Who knows, maybe things will even work out eventually and Draco will stay with us."
Neither Ron nor Hermione looked too pleased about that.
Draco was down in the Slytherin common room, watching Blaise Zabini throw crumpled-up bits of parchment through the owl entrance above the common room door. "I'm bored," Blaise complained unnecessarily, tossing ball after ball through the owl door and into the hallway. "I almost wish we were still in class."
"Might help if there were any Slytherins left in our year." Only three students, all girls, in seventh year hadn't been killed or incarcerated, and neither Draco nor Blaise cared for any of them.
"Bah! Who needs 'em?" Blaise replied with a snort. "Oh, Drakie-Poo," he said, in a simpering, breathy, rather accurate imitation of Pansy Parkinson. "Puh-lease. Still, if we don't resolve the boredom issue, you may just have to introduce me to Weasley's hot little sister," Blaise said, waggling his eyebrows.
"Trust me, Ron Weasley on the warpath is definitely something you don't want to have to deal with," Draco told him, wincing at the embarrassing memory of being chased all over Hogwarts by an angry Ron.
Blaise laughed. "I'd have given anything to see that, I tell you. Anything! I can just picture Snape chasing after you lot..."
"Yet another miracle I'm still alive," Draco said glumly.
Blaise chuckled and lobbed another wad of parchment at the owl entrance—straight at a beautiful snowy owl, who screeched angrily and banked to avoid it.
"Hedwig!" Draco said in surprise. He had been avoiding Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny ever since Sunday, mostly because of the Ron fiasco, and hadn't heard much from any of his four Gryffindor pals. He sat up as Hedwig landed on his armchair.
"Wow, she's a beaut," Blaise said appreciatively. Hedwig gave him a sort of pleased hoot as she stuck out her leg for Draco. "Is she yours?"
"No, she's Potter's," Draco said distractedly as he took the letter from her leg. Around Blaise, he sometimes still called the Gryffindors by their last names—out of habit, not malice.
"I never thought I'd see the day when Draco Malfoy, biggest bad-ass in Slytherin, started receiving letters from the Boy-Who-Wouldn't-Die," Blaise remarked, shaking his head in amusement, without any of the usual hatred Slytherins felt for Gryffindors—but then, Blaise had always been rather apathetic about the whole affair: pureblood mania, following Voldemort, killing Muggles and the like. "If I didn't know better I'd say you were under the Imperius Curse. What's Potter want?" Blaise asked, interested.
Draco scanned the note. "He's moving after school lets out, into a house he inherited, and he wants me to check it out with him, see if I'd want to live there too."
"WHAT?" Blaise exclaimed, sitting up straight. "I thought you married Granger, not Potter!"
"Keep your voice down!" Draco hissed, glancing at some fourth-years who were hanging out on the other side of the room. He had told Blaise about his "night of marital bliss," but he'd so far been able to keep the knowledge out of the hands of the rest of the school, though everyone knew about their lovely little sprint through the castle. They'd dodged several students and teachers as they'd raced towards Dumbledore's office, giving the school plenty of gossip.
Draco sighed; the last thing he wanted to do was to be remembered as the husband of the girl he'd grown up calling a Mudblood and a know-it-all (which most of the rest of Slytherin still regarded her as). "Potter's invited Weasley, Granger, and Weasley to move in with him," he explained to Blaise, "and now that I'm going to have to live with Granger, he's inviting me."
"Do you think he would have invited you if you hadn't married her?" Blaise asked.
Trust Blaise to pick up on something that was bothering him. "I don't know. Maybe. He'd only just invited Granger when I shagged her. We're not close yet, not in the way the Golden Trio and Ginny are. It's not one of those friendships where you automatically consider each other roommate candidates."
"You going to do it, though, now he's asked?" Blaise said.
"I don't know. Probably. At least for now, because of Granger." He sighed and stood up, stretching. "They're leaving in a couple of hours; I need to go find some clean Muggle clothes, not sure if I have any. Probably have to use a spell." Draco grimaced; he hated laundering his clothes with cleaning spells. "Do you want me to see if you can come?" Harry, Ron, Hermione and Ginny had all met Blaise, and found him agreeable enough; they'd hung out together with Blaise a few times, though never without Draco.
"Nah," Blaise said. "I'm applying for a job with Gringotts tomorrow; don't want to be out late."
"Good luck," Draco told him, wondering why Blaise was bothering to find work; the Zabinis were a pureblooded family almost as rich as the Malfoys. But then, Draco was going into Auror training soon, so he certainly couldn't talk.
"Say hello to your old lady for me," Blaise called after him, careful to keep his tone joking enough so that none of the other Slytherins would think Blaise was saying something with merit.
"Ha, ha," Draco called over his shoulder.