Lena crinkled another paper in her fingers and slammed her palm against her desk. A pen jumped at the force and a tingling sensation pricked across her hand. Heat had her cheeks flushing as the unpleasant, sticky warmth radiated through her body. A huff burned the back of her throat as she tossed the paper onto a mountain of others accumulating in the trash beneath her desk.
"God, what the hell!" She shoved a hand in her hair, pulled back into a bun.
She hit the stack of papers on her desk again and squeezed her fist tight, so her nails dug into her skin. A sob bubbled in her chest and she swallowed it down as her throat tightened and she screwed her eyes shut at the moisture congregating at her waterline.
With a strangled cry she let the pen in hand slip from her fingers, hoping it hit the chessboard across the room. Her thundering heart took small reprieve in the subsequent clatter of marble against the tile floor.
"Hey, easy there."
Lena's lips parted to tell off whoever had barged unannounced into her office before she even raised her head, but when Lena looked up and saw Alex, the words died on her tongue.
"What's going on?" Alex's voice was smooth, soothing over Lena's anger at her sudden presence. The frustration spiraled inward instead and Lena tried to reign herself in, but once she started talking her vexation sputtered out on watery, hot breath.
"I've been working on this equation for hours and every time I use the derivative function that the algorithm created the product changes and then it doesn't match the integration check and I—" she inhaled sharply, gaze shifted back to her computer and down at the paper in front of her. "I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I'm just so stupid, this is easy stuff and it's important. It should—I should have done it yesterday but I couldn't get it finished and now, it's never going to be ready in time for our second trial and—and it's so simple. It's so simple I just can't do it and—and—"
"Lena—"
"I'm sorry!" She said, voice high and sharp. Her fingers scraped beneath her eyes at the path of frustrated tears on her cheeks. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have broken down like that I'm sorry, this is so unprofessional. I'm—"
"Lena, you don't have to be professional around me, okay?" Alex tilted her head and offered a small smile. She reached out and squeezed Lena's hand, watching as Lena's eyes tracked the movement. "You're family."
Lena sniffled. "I'm sorry."
"You don't have to keep apologizing," Alex said. She released Lena's hand and rubbed her shoulder.
"I'm—"
"Lena, don't finish that."
"Sorry."
Alex sighed, but her smile loosened some of the tightness in Lena's chest, sent some of the heat receding from her cheeks. Alex tilted her head toward the computer. "You want me to take a look real quick? Then, you and I are going to grab something to eat."
"Alex, I can't. I have too much to do."
"You need to take care of yourself, Lena. Come on, let me see if I can help and then we'll eat, all right? The whole trip can take thirty minutes tops, if you want it to. Deal?"
Lena's hands climbed up to her cheeks and she looked down. "Okay."
Seven minutes later, Alex's thumb pulled away from her lip in concentration, as the other pressed close on the final parentheses and hit enter on the calculator.
"Got it," Alex said, grinning as she looked up.
"You… you got it that quickly?" Lena asked, embarrassment and inadequacy flared in her stomach.
Alex nodded. "The derivative function had a copy error and the integral's limits were incorrect, but it all matches now."
"Thank you." Lena nodded, slow, as her stomach sunk. "How did I not see that? I've been working on it for—for hours. I should know these things." Her shoulders raised and her voice quivered and cracked and her eyes darted from the paper up to the Danvers sister in front of her "I—I don't think I'm fit for this project, Alex. I don't think I should be doing this. I can't—I can't do this." She dropped her head into her hands.
"Whoa, hey no, that's not true." Alex ran a hand over Lena's bent back, crouched so she was eyelevel with the woman. "You're just tired. Look at you, Luthor. You need to take a break."
Lena flinched and pulled away. "I can't just take a break! People are relying on me. How am I supposed to take a break if I couldn't even figure this out?"
"Lena, it's not that big of a deal."
The younger woman shook her head.
Alex stood up, running a hand through her hair. "Thirty minutes. That's all I'm asking. Just so you can breathe a little. I promise, you'll feel better once you get out of here."
"I don't have time."
Alex huffed. "When was the last time you ate? Or even got an actual, good full night of sleep?"
Lena shook her head. Her gaze was vacant, eyes red-rimmed against pale cheeks from lack of sleep and insurmountable stress. "It doesn't matter. None of that matters unless I can fix this and—and make it better. I don't matter unless I can do this, Alex. My worth is a sum of what I'm capable of. And right—right now I'm not doing well."
Alex recoiled. "Goddammit, Lena, can't you see that people care about you? And I'm not just talking about Kara. You have me, too, and you have Maggie and J'onn and Winn and James. Hell, my mom hasn't even met you yet but she already loves you. I don't want to hear any of Lillian's bullshit when you talk." Alex watched as Lena's shoulders tightened toward her ears as she flinched back. "I'm sorry." The agent sighed, softening her voice. "It's just not fair to you. You're so much more than any work you do here or anywhere. It's not that simple."
Lena swallowed hard against the lump in her throat, shaking her head, the force pulling her hair loose. "I have work to do, Alex. I need you to leave. I can't be wasting anymore time."
"Wasting time? Lena—"
"This conversation is over. I have a meeting to attend," she snapped and stood up, grabbing the first folder she could reach and stalking out of the room.
She slipped into the closest meeting room down the hall and pressed her back against the door, squeezing her arm so her nails scratched against her skin. She held her breath to contain the sob quaking inside her and when she finally heard Alex's footsteps retreating, Lena returned to her office.
She locked the door and groped for a bottle of alcohol through tears blurring her vision. Her legs wobbled and she crumbled to the floor, tilting her head back as she gulped down the liquid and it scorched her throat raw.
/
"Kara, I screwed up."
Kara's eyes widened as she packed up her things from work, phone balanced between her shoulder and ear. "With Lena?"
"Yeah, I don't know what's going on with her Kar, but it's bad. I've never seen her like this."
"I know." Kara twisted the strap of her bag as she walked toward the elevator. "What happened?"
"You want to come over and we'll talk? Maggie and I are just ordering in takeout tonight."
Kara nodded. "Yeah, okay. I'll come."
"All right. I've just got to stop by the DEO and finish something up before I head home. I'll see you there in about an hour?"
"Okay."
"I love you, Kar."
"Love you, too, Alex."
/
Lena pulled in a deep breath an hour and a half later, staring across the room and out the window, tracking the setting sun as its light bled out athwart the sky and it sunk beneath the city line. She squeezed her eyes closed, tried to force her muscles to move.
She had to be better, for Kara.
Her heels scraped against the floor as she pulled her feet beneath her and teetered, arm shooting out to grab the couch for stability as she picked herself up. A surge of nausea rolled through her as alcohol sloshed in an empty stomach. She staggered toward her desk, squinting in the light as she grabbed her phone.
Her eyes closed as the dial tone rang in her ear and sharpened the pounding in her head.
/
Alex finished telling Kara about her experience with Lena and flopped onto the couch between her sister and Maggie, curling her legs beneath her.
Kara pushed around the food on her plate before sighing and settling it on the coffee table, barely touched.
Alex was reaching over to put an arm around her shoulder when her phone vibrated in her pocket and the sound filled the heavy air. She pulled it out, glancing at the screen.
"It's Lena," she gave as explanation as she untangled herself from the couch.
The brunette left the apartment door cracked open as she stepped out into the hall. "Hey, Luthor?"
Lena slumped against the balcony window of her office, the temple of her head pressing against the cool glass. "Alex, I'm calling to apologize. The way I acted earlier was wrong and unfair. You were just trying to help and I made everything worse. I'm sorry, Alex, I really messed up."
"Oh, Lena, listen—"
"And I hope you can forgive me. I'm sorry."
Alex bit her lip and dropped her gaze toward the floor. Her sock clad feet toed the carpeted hall. "Lena, it's okay, all right? We're just so worried about you—God, Lena, we all just want what's best for you, we just want to know what we can do to help."
A sniffle carried over with the white noise of the call and Lena squeezed her eyes closed. When she opened them her vision was fuzzy, spotted with gray dots. She didn't feel deserving of their kindness, not when she kept pushing them away. "Thank you," she managed, voice strained and shaking.
"Of course." Alex leaned back into the wall and the door frame pressed against her spine. "I'm with Kara and Maggie right now, we're just eating takeout and spending the night in. You're welcome to come hang out with us, if you'd like?"
Lena forced air into her lungs. "I—I don't think that's… I think I shouldn't, but could I—could I please talk to Kara?"
"Yeah, not a problem," Alex said as she pushed open the apartment door and stepped back inside, eyes drifting toward the couch. Maggie was talking softly to Kara, rubbing her thumb over the younger girl's knee. Alex smiled. "And, if you change your mind don't hesitate to come over. Got it, Luthor?"
"Yes, thank you, Alex," Lena said, staring out at the dark night sky and the flickering of lights as they sparkled on and off in buildings composing the cityscape.
"It's Lena," Alex whispered, passing the phone to Kara. "She wants to talk to you."
The sisters switched spots and Alex molded herself against Maggie's side, head falling on the detective's shoulder. She murmured contently as Maggie slipped her fingers into Alex's hair, carding through it.
"I'm sorry," Lena gasped out before Kara even made it to the door. "I'm sorry for—for all of this. Kara, I'm sorry."
Kara's heart clenched and the thud, thud, thud rattled her ribs. "It's okay, Lena. You're gonna be okay, I believe it, all right? I know it."
Lena's breath stuttered. She swayed on her feet. "I'm really tired, Kara."
"I know." Kara's hand twitched, wanting to hug Lena close or smooth her hair. "I can hear it in your voice. You should get some rest."
She dropped her head into her trembling hands. "I don't want to be alone."
"Do you want me to come over?"
Lena shook her head and swallowed a whimper. "Not right now." Not when she smelled of alcohol. Not when tear tracks were plastered to her skin and her cheeks were sticky with the residual dampness. Not when every word was like a stab in her heart, every breath a fight.
"Okay," Kara said simply, pacing slowly, rhythmically through the hallway. "Well, do you want me to stay on the line with you for a little while? I can talk with you for as long as you want—until you fall asleep, even."
"You would do that?"
"Yes."
"I'd really like that."
"Good."
Lena wiped at her eyes, pressing the heel of her palms against her cheekbones. "I'm going to grab my stuff and then head home, okay?"
"Okay."
"Kara?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm trying really hard. I'm trying so hard to… to be better."
"I know, and you're doing great."
"Kara, can I come to game night on Friday?"
Kara's heart fluttered. "Yeah, always. You don't have to ask. But there's no pressure either, if you don't feel up to it I don't want you to feel guilty. I just want you to know that you can talk to me about whatever's going on, you don't have to close people out."
"Thank you. I have all my stuff, I'm going to go out to my driver's car now. Will you keep talking to me?"
"What do you want to hear first? I spoke with Cat earlier so I can fill you in on her life in DC right now, or I can tell you about how a new DEO recruit made a mistake that almost put the whole building into a pseudo-lockdown."
"Tell me about Cat." Lena stepped into the elevator and rode it to the first floor, getting out and slipping into her driver's car. With Kara's words washing over her, Lena focused on the coolness of the door handle beneath her fingers; the rattle, of grates in the street as the car rolled over them, that traveled through the wheels to the vehicle's fame and settled with a vibration to her ribs; the hazy green of traffic lights as they whizzed past them on slick, emptying streets to Lena's apartment; the distant glimmer of stars in the night sky; the tug of her eyelids, begging her to sleep; the hollowness in her stomach and the pressure around her temples.
She was almost reluctant to move when the car rolled to a stop.
She bid her driver goodnight and made the trip up to her apartment on leaden legs, with Kara's soft voice in her ear the whole time.
Lena kicked off her shoes and remained upright just long enough to undress and pull one of Kara's oversized sleepshirts over her head before collapsing onto her bed, melting under the weight of the sheets and Kara's steady words.
"Kara?" Lena interrupted for the first time that night. Her eyes drooped and she snuggled into her pillow, setting the phone beside her head, close enough that she could still hear her girlfriend. Then she slipped a hand under her pillow, clutching at the silky fabric as it sifted between her fingers.
"Yeah, babe?"
"I love you more than anything or anyone in the universe. Please don't forget that."
"I won't, Lena. I love you, too, so so much. Sleep tight."
"Will you keep talking, just a little longer? Until I'm asleep?"
Kara pulled her knee up to her chest on the bar stool in Alex and Maggie's kitchen, where she'd settled once Lena started making her way home. "Of course."
"Thank you."
"Mhmm," Kara murmured and Lena's eyes gave in to the heaviness as Kara's voice enveloped her, settled warm in the crevices of Lena's consciousness.
/
Two days later, Lena stood outside Kara's apartment. The drizzly weather of the past week had shifted into a bright sunlight that receded beneath the sky on Lena's ride over, dropping the temperatures and having Lena wrap her arms around her abdomen.
With her superhearing and x-ray vision, Kara must have known Lena was there, lingering outside. But still, the blonde waited, separated by the door, as Lena took a deep breath and straightened her cable knit sweater, running her hand over the fabric.
She let herself in with the key Kara had gifted her months ago, before they'd said they were anything more than best friends.
"Lena!" Kara smiled, loitering a step away with her hands twisted together and her posture rolling up onto the tips of her feet.
"Hi, Kara," Lena said, smiling into the kiss she pressed against Kara's cheek.
"It's good to see you," Kara whispered into Lena's hair as she pulled the woman into a hug.
"You too," Lena replied, closing her eyes as she dipped her head and it settled in the crook of Kara's neck. Kara's warmth enveloped her, and the faint smell of strawberry shampoo permeated the surrounding air.
Lena held on, feeling the steadiness of Kara's shoulder blade beneath her fingers, the complementary rise and fall of her chest as Kara squeezed her tighter, let both of their touches linger.
Even as they pulled apart, their fingers entwined. Stayed clasped together as Maggie and Alex made their way over.
"Hey, Lena," Alex said, pulling her in for a quick hug and then Maggie was there too, squeezing her shoulder.
Once the greetings finished and the small talk fizzled out, they settled in the living room with boxes of pizza and games scattered across the coffee table.
By the end of their first round of Clue, Lena was tucked into Kara's side, lulled by the brush of a thumb where the blonde's hand rested on her thigh.
"How's work going?" Lena asked, looking up at Kara and feeling a pang of regret that they'd missed having a normal conversation in days.
"Good, actually," Kara said, smile widening. "I have this huge meeting tomorrow that Snapper's been talking about forever."
"What's it about?"
Lena shifted up, giving Kara her full attention.
"Some new story, I'm not sure about what exactly, but it has something to do with aliens. And yesterday I accidentally overheard that he's announcing who's on the assignment tomorrow."
"Was this "accident" a result of superhearing?" Lena asked, a smirk playing across her lips.
Kara balked with an exaggerated gasp. "No!"
Lena quirked her brow.
"Okay, yes a little bit, but Lena I was curious! And I really want the article."
She flashed some puppy dog eyes and Lena laughed, ducking her head into Kara's shoulder.
"Hey!" Maggie called out, tossing a pillow at them.
They looked over to where Maggie and Alex were leaning over the gameboard. The oldest Danvers sister rolled her eyes but a smile snuck across her face anyway. "You two are holding up the game, we've said your name like three times, Kara."
Kara tossed the pillow back, aiming at Alex's face, and rolled the dice one-handed so she could keep Lena's fingers entwined with her own.
/
"Lena!" Kara pushed the front door closed behind her, a grin lighting up her face.
"Hmm?" Lena hummed from the couch. A moment later a head popped up over the back of the seat as she turned to face Kara.
"Guess who called while I was on the phone?"
Lena shrugged and the blanket around her shoulders slipped off, piling into her lap.
"Well, when J'onn was telling me about this new problem I have to deal with tomorrow because apparently it's a 'long-term thing', I got another call. So, when I finished with him, I went to see who it was and call back, and it was Jess! She said she was calling me, because she couldn't reach you—which I thought was kind of weird, because you never leave your phone anywhere except when you're in the lab, but anyway, Jess has been trying to contact you to tell you, that when the results of the third trial, of the biomarker project you've been working one were published, she started hearing nonstop from pretty much everyone today—the press, pharmaceutical companies, science and tech organizations—" Kara paused to take a deep breath before she resumed her pacing in front of the couch, hands gesticulating so quickly Lena felt a headache starting behind her eyes at trying to follow the movements. "—and a bunch of people from all these places were talking with the National Science Board, and they want to honor you at a banquet this year!"
The couch dipped as Kara bounced onto it beside Lena, watching her with an expectant grin and Lena was trying to be grateful, trying to pull a smile across her face but she could only think about all the work that went into preparing for a banquet, all the photo-ops she would have to do, the interviews with the press, the polite expressions she'd have to plaster on her face, the hours of small talk, the speech she'd have to give, the looming threat of Lillian or Lex or—
"Lena, that's great!" Alex said and Maggie smiled, too, leaning over and patting her knee. "Congrats, Little Luthor!"
Lena tried to smile but her chest was closing in, her throat tight, her skin hot. She shoved the blanket off her lap, feeling like a stranger in her body, in the apartment that'd once felt more like a home than any other place in the world.
Her knees knocked as she pushed off the couch.
"Lena, what's wrong?" Kara asked, reaching out for her girlfriend. "This is a good thing, you should be excited!"
Lena went rigid. Her vision a thump of black as she squeezed her eyes closed for a moment. She stood, facing the fireplace with her heart hammering in her chest. The heat in her skin morphed to burning of her cheeks, a scorch of shame and guilt in her chest. "I know," she started and turned back to Kara, voice raising with each word. "I know I should be excited but I'm not and—and hearing you say it doesn't help me feel any better when I know something's wrong with me! So, stop. Just stop!"
With her last cry, the room collapsed into silence.
Maggie looked at Alex, and Kara gaped at Lena. The mere feet between them might as well have been acres of land and eons of time.
Lena raised her dipped head and her misty green caught Kara's watery blue.
"I'm sorry," Lena gasped. Her heart plunged in her chest, and her icy fingers juxtaposed the flame in her cheeks. "I should go."
She was barely a shadow as she twisted around the furniture, moving on shaky legs, hands struggling on the doorknob before she yanked it open and fled into the hall.
Her heart bashed against her ribcage as she rushed into the elevator and battered the button for the ground floor with her finger. A sob splintered her frail resolve.
"Lena, wait!"
Kara's body snapped into action as she scrambled off the couch, calling as the elevator doors thumped shut.
Kara returned to the apartment, bottom lip quivering. She raised her eyes to meet Maggie and Alex's gaze. "She um—she was gone. I don't—I don't know what happened." Kara's shoulders rose and fell, watery gaze studying the table leg by Alex's feet. "I thought we were doing so well and then…"
She cast a glance back at the door.
"Kara—"
The blonde shook her head and Alex stopped talking, sweeping Kara into a hug instead.
Kara dropped her head onto Alex's shoulder and let the tears fall.
/
Lena didn't come into work the next morning, and Kara's insides were a coil of worry, tightening when Jess called again, for the third time, asking if she'd heard from Lena. Then, even more, when she listened for Lena's heartbeat at her apartment and came back with nothing.
Kara left messages and sent texts, squirming in her seat at CatCo, stuck in the meeting with Snapper's seat by the door guarding the exit and preventing her from sneaking away and giving into the worry churning in her stomach.
Finally, the meeting was called to an end and Kara bolted to the door, so out of focus she didn't even know who he'd given the assignment to.
"Hey, ponytail, not so fast," Snapper said blocking the exit once again and tilting his head to the side. She followed him, pen tapping in her hand.
Once they were clear of the stream of employees filtering out of the room, he regarded her. "As much as I dislike your general cheery and naïve demeanor in this office, there's no denying your reporting has improved. Drastically. So, I'm putting you on the assignment tonight."
Kara couldn't suppress the grin that spread across her face. "Really?!" After trudging through the past few weeks feeling like she was failing her job, failing the DEO, failing Lena, the praise billowed up inside her.
"I can take this away just as quickly as it came. Don't screw it up, Danvers. I'll forward you the details of the story. I need you poking around the docks for an hour or two getting whatever relevant information you can. Try to blend in, don't attract any attention. Then I have an interview scheduled at eight tonight. Got all that? I don't want any mistakes."
She nodded, adjusting her glasses to hide the smile forming again. Despite everything, she'd spent months working for a break like this.
"Good. I need the report by six tomorrow evening." Snapper said before turning out of the room and disappearing around the hall.
Forty-five minutes later found Kara approaching the docks, reading through the final attachment Snapper had sent about the resurgence of an alien drug. She closed the file and sent Alex a text about what had happened, complete with a series of exclamation points about Snapper picking her, before muting her phone and burying it in her pocket.
/
The time on her watch was pushing nine when she finally put enough distance between herself and the dock to let out a celebratory whoop, beaming as she walked through the grimy, wet sidewalk. Her journal was full of notes, the interview sat on a recorder in her pocket. She tugged out of her phone to text Alex the good news.
A mass of notification assailed her screen. Seven missed calls between Maggie and Alex. Another thirteen texts.
Kara read the most recent one, thirty-four minutes ago.
Alex 8:23:
We're with Lena now. She's hurt. Come quick