Murphy was a lot harder to talk to. Not because she was any less likely to understand but because I was afraid of losing her a lot more. I know it's completely irrational – there was no reason why she would leave me – other than, of course, being dishonest with her. Which is exactly what I was doing by not talking to her. See? Completely irrational.
In the end, I decided to talk to Butters first and keep pretending I wasn't avoiding Murph. Not the best strategy on the long run but I couldn't keep doing nothing either, so I chose to do the easier stuff, which I could actually convince myself to do. And since I didn't want to barge in on him while he was at work (I know, I've done that a lot, but you can start trying politeness. Besides, most of the time there was some imminent doomsday. This time, I could afford patience.), I even called ahead. Yeah, I know. Sometimes I surprise myself, too.
I should have known it wouldn't go that easily, though. It was three days after I talked with Michael, and many more days since I last met with Murph, so really, I should have expected her to show up at my door. Well, at Molly's door. And actually, just in front of the building, the svartalves don't let anyone in. The point is, I'm getting sloppy as a PI.
She was waiting for me, leaning to the wall. When I stepped outside she pushed herself off and walked into my way, but then she just stopped and looked at me. I came to a stop too, but I refused to meet her eyes – and not just for avoiding a soulgaze.
"I'm sorry" I finally said after a few uncomfortable seconds, I think somewhere to my shoes. I don't cope well with this kind of tension.
"You've been avoiding me." Murphy's voice was harder than it has ever been since she decided to trust me. Gulp. "Is there something you want to tell me?"
All right, big boy. Take a breath and say it. "I'm going away" I blurted. Murphy didn't say anything so I looked up, but she was just standing there, quirking an eyebrow. Oh. "Not like that" I added quickly. "I got a job which… Ah well. I kinda can't refuse it."
"Mab?"
Ohh, shit.
"Ebenezar" I said. It wasn't technically a lie, right? "He wants me to take care of something. I'll tell you, just not here" I looked around.
Murphy nodded and fell in step with me as I started walking. "You going somewhere?" she asked.
I nodded. "Yeah. To Butters'. He agreed to meet with me."
"You're giving him a heads-up?" Murphy's tone was somewhat approving, but she wouldn't look at me. Well, I guess it doesn't feel so good to know that a -just- friend gets a warning before you. Still, her being Murphy, she would appreciate that I'm not leaving Butters to defend the city without a word. Again.
"I'm going to ask him to get word around" I said quietly.
I wouldn't have thought that this would be the one making the volcano erupt, but hey, wrong on one more count.
'Oh, so that's how I was going to find out about it?" Murphy finally whirled around to face me, stopping me in my tracks. "If I hadn't come to ask you what the hell is going on with you, is that how you planned to get word to me?"
I winced. "That's not what I meant…" I started to explain but Murph cut in. Once she explodes, she does so thoroughly.
"Oh yeah? And how exactly did you mean it? You disappear for more than a week with no word again and I have to go to Michael to know you're still alive? Do you know what I went through? Do you know what it felt like last time? Oh, no, you don't, because it's never the right time for that conversation." Her voice was dripping with sarcasm. "And to think it's happening all over again?! Oh God, Harry, how exactly did you mean it?" her voice deflated with that last sentence and she just stood there defeated.
I closed my eyes. "I'm sorry, I was a coward" I whispered.
"A coward?" Now her voice was bitter. "You're afraid to tell me you're leaving."
It took me a moment to grasp her meaning, but then I jerked my head up.
"Murph, I told you, I'm not leaving you." I was looking into her face for the first time during this catastrophic conversation, trying my best to convince her. I couldn't, just couldn't lose her to my stupidity. "I promise. It's just a job."
Murphy looked me in the face for a long moment, searching for something, maybe for proof that I was being honest. But if that's what she was looking for, she must have found it, since after a while she nodded. "All right. I believe you. Just you know, sometimes you make it all too easy to doubt it."
I remembered when a few years ago we were talking about us, she said I'll leave her anyway because I live much longer. Ouch.
"I know. I'm sorry" I said, trying my best puppy eyes and failing. "I was putting off talking to you. I guess I was afraid I'd lose you." I let out a little laugh. "Not the best strategy, right?" And the worst thing is, I knew all along it would make matters worse and I still couldn't act.
Murph huffed. "Yeah. You know I wouldn't have reacted this way if you'd just told me." Then, as an afterthought, she added, "You pig."
Heh. At least she was smiling. "Why don't you come with me to see Butters and then I'll tell you everything" I offered. Everything I can.
"You're not planning on telling Butters everything?" Murphy asked as we started walking again.
I shook my head. "I don't even know that much, and I'd rather keep the whole thing a secret. Basically, the only leverage I have is that maybe – maybe – the other guy doesn't know I'm coming. Butters deserves and needs to know I'm leaving, but that's it. I'm playing it close to my chest."
Murphy hmm-d but let it there. "Come on" she said instead. "I'll give you a ride."
I looked around and realized we were standing next to her Harley. I felt a smile on my face. "All right. For old times' sake."
There really was nothing to fear, after all, other than my own stupidity. Completely irrational, that's me.
And then Murph (slightly) jabbed me in the stomach, making me double over. "Just don't think this conversation is finished for good, jackass."
I've decided to upload the scenes as I finish them and not wait for longer chapters. That does mean though that some chapters might be ridiculously short, but at least it'll mean more frequent updates.
On a different note, I have tenosynovitis so I shouldn't be writing. As you can see, that's not happening, but I'll try to let my wrist rest, so that's less writing than what I'd prefer. Just so that you don't think I've disappeared if I don't post for a week or so.