Thank you for the reviews and follows! Chapter two picks up right where we left off. Enjoy!
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Olivia cleared her throat and when she opened her mouth to speak, her voice sounded a little raspier than usual.
"Please sit."
Surprisingly, the blonde complied at once; whether she felt the importance of what was to come or whether she was just weary of fighting with her lieutenant, Olivia did not know.
"Bad news?" Amanda inquired hesitantly and let her eyes wander to the evidence bag in the brunette's hand. "It can't be worse than what you just told me, right?"
As soon as the words had left her mouth, a pained expression flashed across the young woman's face, regret etched into the wrinkles on her forehead. Amanda clenched her hands into fists, sharp fingernails digging into her palms, and the physical discomfort helped her smooth out her contorted features and replace them with a mask of calm.
Her love for the job and ability to compartmentalize had always been the anchor in Amanda's adult life, no matter how tall the dumpster fire got that was her personal life, with its screwed up family, mounting gambling debts and string of failed relationships.
Now that her job might be on the line, too, Amanda felt like control over her life was slipping out of her hands, and all she could do was watch from the sidelines. In addition to that, Esther's frightened face seemed to be permanently imprinted on her mind and the blonde could feel the guilt lying heavily on her chest. She wasn't sure it would ever fade; she wasn't sure if she deserved it to fade.
Amanda didn't know how much longer she could hold on to her sanity in Olivia's presence and she was deadly afraid of reaching that point and losing the last bit of respect her lieutenant might have for her.
The young detective nervously kneaded her hands as the brunette approached her with a tentative look on her face, obviously fighting an internal battle with herself over sharing the new piece of information she had just received.
"To be honest with you, Amanda, I don't know if I should be showing this to you right now considering your-" Olivia stopped herself before she could say something that would upset Amanda even further. "…considering the day you've had. But you're going to find out anyway and I'd rather you hear it from me."
"Just spit it out, Liv, please. You're only makin' it worse."
Olivia nodded and handed her the evidence bag, her shoulders remaining tense and her gaze wary.
Amanda kept looking at her for a moment and it was her boss's unusual behavior, her barely concealed worry over her reaction that had the smaller woman on edge more than anything. She took in a deep breath and looked down. The transparent bag contained a paper napkin with a small company logo from a fast food place in the corner. The creases told her that it had been crumpled up, and that one of the CSU techs must have smoothed them out. There were several reddish stains on it where someone had wiped their mouth.
Amanda was about to ask what she was looking at when a tiny scribble in the far corner caught her eye. She tilted her head and squinted at the words hurriedly written in pencil in the uncoordinated handwriting of a child.
I'm sorry, Amanda. Thank you for everything.
"They…" Olivia swallowed hard and her voice was thick with emotion when she continued. "I think they found it in her fist."
Silence.
Breathe in…breathe out…breathe in…
Amanda exhaled raggedly.
This was it. The great wave that had built up and hovered over her head finally crashed. Amanda could feel the pent up emotion bubbling to the surface once again, the shaking of her body the first sign of her second unravelling that day. She tilted her head back and looked up at the ceiling, the tears now running in a continuous stream out of the corners of her eyes and rolling into her ears, the vein on her forehead pulsing with every sob that bubbled up in her constricted throat.
"Ohhh…g-god," Amanda squeezed out with a croaky voice, and every breath she took was accompanied by a stabbing pain in her chest, making her feel like she was having a heart attack. Her face turned red and blotchy in distress and scrunched up when Olivia's words, along with others, replayed themselves in her head over and over again.
They found it in her fist…you fired the bullet…might have been tied up… goodbye, Amanda…
Trapped in her daytime nightmare, Amanda raised her hands to her throat and started to scratch up and down furiously, leaving angry red marks on her delicate skin.
Olivia immediately moved closer to her smaller woman and cupped her face with both hands to brush away Amanda's tears, effectively blocking the scratching hands with her forearms.
The brunette felt completely useless as she watched her colleague and friend crumble before her eyes and the need to soothe, to comfort, to heal became unbearably overwhelming. Her heart told her that tough love would not help Amanda right now. Olivia had tried to be strong and clear-headed for the younger woman; she had tried to explain, reason and argue with her, but she couldn't seem to reach her stubborn detective. Her endless compassion was all she had left. Acting on pure instinct, the older woman leaned in and brought their foreheads together.
"You're gonna be okay, Amanda, I promise. Shh, shh, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." Olivia's voice was soft and velvety and had that soothing lilt – in a corner of her mind, Amanda was vaguely aware that it was Olivia's victim voice, but she didn't care.
The smell of Olivia's perfume filled her nostrils, covering her hurting soul like a warm, fuzzy blanket. She wanted more of that, no, she needed more of that. It took everything in her not to sling her arms around her boss's neck and cling to her like a frightened child.
"Talk to me, honey", the brunette whispered tenderly, using the pet name without a second thought. With their foreheads still connected, Olivia gently stroked the blonde's flushed cheeks, feeling her shuddering, hiccupped breath puffing in her face. "Tell me what I can do to help."
"Liv, I can't…breathe." The panic in Amanda's voice stabbed right through Olivia's heart.
"Sure you can. Everything is going to be okay, Amanda. Take a deep breath for me, nice and easy. Come on, sweetheart, you can do it", the brunette coaxed with infinite patience.
She could both hear and feel the violent tremble as the smaller woman sucked in half a lung full of air, before she abruptly pulled away and turned her head to the side to avoid coughing into Liv's face.
"Shhh, it's okay." Olivia winced in sympathy when she saw Amanda's wide, red-rimmed eyes and observed the other woman's struggle to catch her breath. "I'm so sorry you have to go through this."
When she laid a comforting hand on the blonde's quivering back, she could feel the younger woman tense up and squirm out of her reach despite still not being able to stop her coughing and wheezing. A blush was rapidly creeping up Amanda's neck and Olivia could tell that pure mortification over her emotional unravelling had begun to set in, coupled with the realization that she was sniffling and crying less than a foot away from her superior's face.
"I'm sorry, Liv, I think…I've got it…under control", the blonde detective gasped out and started to get up. "I'm just gonna go…freshen up a bit and I'll be back at my desk."
"Wait, please, Amanda, you don't have to leave. It's okay, there's nothing for you to be embarrassed about." Olivia reassured her, both surprise and concern lacing her voice, and grabbed the younger woman's arm before she could escape.
Amanda froze mid-move and threw her boss an uncertain look before her natural stubbornness started kicking its feet and she ripped her arm out of Olivia's grasp.
"I'm fine, Liv. I'm sorry for goin' off on you. It won't happen again," she responded, trying to sound unfazed although her breathing had not yet returned to normal and her face still bore the evidence of her crying.
"I'm not mad at you. I want you to talk to me."
"I am talking to you, lieutenant."
"You know what I mean", Liv said, her eyebrow jumping dangerously high.
Amanda remained silent and planted a blank look of indifference on her face, but the trembling of her hands betrayed her and hinted at the storm of emotions still coursing through her body.
Olivia took a step closer, only to watch her detective shrink back from her in return. This was going to be even harder than she had initially thought. She tilted her head to the side, her bangs falling into her face, and fixed Amanda with a soft look in her eyes, determined to get to the bottom of what was going on.
"Why is it so hard for you to accept some help, Amanda?" she asked gently.
"I don't need your help or anyone else's. I'm fine dealing with things on my own. Besides, I'm not one of your victims, Olivia, so save your sympathy for someone who really deserves it.", the young detective responded briskly, avoiding the brunette's gaze.
"Why do you think you don't deserve sympathy?" the older woman asked patiently, unfazed by Amanda's hostile tone and ignoring the rest of her remarks.
"JESUS, Liv, can you please stop acting like a goddamn shrink and just let it go?" Amanda threw her hands up in frustration, a scowl now etched on her face.
"No."
The simple response stunned her for a second before she rolled her eyes in annoyance, followed by a mocking snort.
"Do I need to start looking for a new job, lieutenant?"
Olivia released a heavy sigh.
"What you need to do is stop running from your problems, Amanda. And more importantly, stop running from the people who want to help you deal with them."
"Well, thanks for your concern, but running has always worked out just fine for me." Amanda snapped back indignantly.
"Has it, though?" Olivia whispered emphatically. The taller woman moved even closer and this time, the blonde stayed put and lifted her huge, round eyes to meet Olivia's searching gaze, suddenly too tired to keep fighting the compassion her heart so deeply longed for.
"You tried to run from your family, and still ended up with a cleared out apartment and a mother who abandoned you and your daughter. You tried to run from Patton and still have to deal with the nightmares and the guilt over Reese, almost 8 years later. And now you're trying to run from this, too, from Esther and the pain you're feeling inside…" She placed her hand flatly on Amanda's chest and could feel the rapid beating of her heart against her palm. "…and if you don't talk about this now, you'll never be able to let go of that pain for the rest of your life. Believe me…I know it."
Olivia's voice was breaking slightly at the end, a memory of her final confrontation with William Lewis briefly flashing before her inner eye before she could fight it.
Tears were shimmering in Amanda's eyes again, but this time there was no fury, no indifference and no annoyance visible, only concern, as she reached out to lightly stroke the older woman's cheek with her knuckles. "I'm sorry I made you think of him," she whispered sincerely.
The brunette closed her eyes briefly to hide the vulnerability in them and Amanda could see a myriad of emotions swirling in the depth of her brown orbs when she finally opened them back up. "It's not your fault." Olivia's face wore a pained half-smile and there was a piercing intensity in her expression; Amanda wasn't entirely sure if she was referring to her apology or to Esther's death.
The younger woman withdrew her hand and placed it over the one Olivia still held over her heart, giving it a gentle squeeze.
Olivia's eyelids fluttered und the creases around her eyes deepened when she gave her a broad smile.
"I…ehm…" Amanda cleared her throat and looked to the floor. "I'm not so good at talking about…that kind of stuff."
"You don't say."
There was no hostility in Olivia's voice, only a hint of dry humor and playful teasing.
Amanda rolled her eyes at her lieutenant again, but this time it was accompanied by a tiny, self-deprecated smirk that tugged on the corner of her mouth.
"You need to talk to someone. A therapist or just someone you-", the older woman paused for a moment, "…someone you trust. It's important, Amanda." Her tone was fierce and serious again, as Olivia echoed what she had said to her young subordinate three years earlier, when she'd tried to convince Amanda to see Dr. Lindstrom after what went down with Patton.
"Yeah, I know that" the stubborn detective shot back a little too forcefully. She felt emotionally raw and exposed, in front of her superior officer no less, and she didn't like it one bit. Still, a part of her knew that even if she did manage to deal with the events of this day without resorting back to her many unhealthy coping mechanisms, there was no way Olivia was going let it go this time.
Amanda let out a frustrated sigh and when she continued, her voice was more even, but with a hint of anxiety in it. "I can't promise you anything except that I'm going to try…for real this time."
"That's all I ask."
"But please, no more talking tonight. I…I can't handle any more of this right now." Amanda slumped back down into her chair and rubbed her red eyes with the back of her hand.
The seasoned lieutenant looked at the blonde; at her puffy face, her smudged make-up and tousled hair, and at the complete exhaustion and sadness in her eyes and nodded in agreement.
"Okay."
Olivia decided it would be best to give Amanda some space and turned toward her desk to grab a tissue for her when she felt cold fingers close around her wrist, holding her in place, and then, timidly, tugging at her hand.
Olivia turned around and looked at her detective, then at the hand that held onto her with a surprisingly strong grip. When it was clear to her that the smaller woman wasn't going to say anything, Olivia cocked her head to the side. "Would you like me to just…stay with you for a while?"
Amanda bit her lip and shrugged her shoulders non-committally, but her light blue eyes bored into Olivia's brown ones with a vulnerable look.
The brunette decided to go with her gut and cautiously inched closer to the blonde, unsure whether she could touch her again, but preparing for another wave of tears or, more likely, another mood swing. She was stunned when instead, the smaller woman leaned forward and gingerly rested her head against Olivia's jean-clad hip bone, her eyes closed and a sigh leaving her lips.
Olivia froze for a second before she very slowly lifted her hand and placed it on the back of Amanda's head, just letting it rest there for a moment before starting to stroke through her tangled blonde hair with the gentlest touch, smoothing it down a little in the process.
The older woman let out a surprised squeak when two slender arms suddenly snaked their way around her waist and a blonde head pressed itself into her middle, face hiding away in shame. Olivia's heart skipped a beat and then continued pounding at what felt like twice the normal speed. It was not unusual for Olivia to offer a comforting hug to one of their victims every now and then, but she hadn't actually hugged anyone close to her – other than her son – in quite a long time.
She felt two small hands twist the material of her blazer when Amanda tightened her grip on her back, the body in her arms trembling once again.
"I wanted to help h-her. I wanted to help her so badly." Amanda's muffled voice broke at the end and was followed by a heartbreaking sob.
Olivia could feel the wetness of old and fresh tears seeping into the fabric of her gray t-shirt and she closed her arms around the smaller woman, one hand rubbing slow circles into Amanda's back, the other one affectionately cradling her head against her stomach.
"I know, honey" Olivia's cooed softly and scratched her nails over the blonde's scalp in a soothing manner. "I know you did." She started to rock her gently, the same way she would rock Noah after a bad dream.
Amanda took in a deep breath, inhaling the sweet scent of Olivia's perfume, and she instantly felt calmer. The darkness still lingered on the edge of her mind, ready to swamp her brain and cloud her thoughts at any moment, but for now, she was safe and secure in Olivia's embrace, and the younger woman tried to push away her embarrassment as she soaked up the affection the brunette so generously offered to her. They remained in that position for a long time, Olivia continuing with her gentle ministrations while Amanda's tears slowly ebbed away and she was close to falling asleep.
A sharp rap on Olivia's office door made both women jump and Amanda hastily withdrew from her boss's arms, missing the contact immediately.
"Lieu? We just got a new case. Do you want me and Fin to-"
"I'll be right out!" Olivia shouted back with noticeable irritation, her gaze still on her detective, who now clumsily tried to make herself busy by fixing her rumpled clothes and messy hair. She watched in awkward silence, contemplating if she should offer to make another appointment for Amanda with Dr. Lindstrom, or if that would not sit well with the younger woman, remembering vividly how wrong it went the last time.
As she hovered over her desk weighing her options, it didn't escape her notice that the other woman's face was flushed and that she kept her gaze averted. Olivia approached Amanda with measured steps and placed a hand on her shoulder, only to feel the blonde shrugging it off instantly.
"Amanda, are you okay? Are we…okay?" she asked cautiously. Had she made Amanda uncomfortable with her touch? Had she misinterpreted Amanda's signals to be comforted? Olivia's heart told her no, but looking at Amanda now, she just wasn't sure anymore.
"Yeah, of course, lieutenant, we're good."
"Then why can't you look at me?" The brunette couldn't completely banish the pinch of hurt from her voice.
Amanda swept her hair up into a neat ponytail, fixing a framed photograph of Noah behind Olivia's desk as she spoke.
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"Okay," Olivia scoffed, her patience and will to tolerate Amanda's endless argumentativeness finally running thin, "I know you've had a tough day and I'm trying to be understanding, Amanda, but you're making it really hard for me right now. You're all over the place and quite frankly, your moods are giving me whiplash."
Amanda felt a sting in her chest at her lieutenant's words and could feel the emotional gap between them widen again, like a dried-up river bed that kept filling with water until there was a river strong enough to rip you off your feet if you were stupid enough to go in too deep.
They had been so close just a minute ago, but because of her pride and because of who she was, Amanda had pushed Olivia away once again. Now her only choice was to pull back into her protective shell and deal with everything on her own, just like she always had. But something was different now. The blonde didn't know what exactly it was, but something had shifted inside of her. She did not want to do this alone. She wanted someone to lean on. And she knew exactly who that someone was.
Amanda briefly thought about apologizing to Olivia for her stand-offishness, but she couldn't seem to get the words out. Instead, she straightened up and wiped the last traces of tears from her face, forcing herself to look at her boss with all of her remaining dignity.
"What happens next?"
Olivia's voice was matter-of-factly and she didn't look at Amanda when she spoke.
"You're gonna talk to the force investigative group and you're gonna talk to IAB. You'll be on mandatory leave for a couple of days until they've closed their investigation and you've been cleared for duty by the department psychiatrist."
Amanda nodded. She watched Olivia grab her glasses and purse and she knew that if she wanted to say something, it had to be now.
"Liv, I…" She watched as Olivia lift her head and tried to get a read on the other woman, but Olivia, too, knew how to put up walls and her brown eyes, usually open and understanding, were hard and unyielding. Her courage left her.
"I should get home to Jesse."
The blonde thought she'd seen a flash of disappointment in Olivia's eyes but it was gone within the fraction of a second.
"I'll see you tomorrow." And with that, the brunette grabbed her coat and was out of the door.
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I know, I know, but fret not, for there are two more chapters coming.