Hi all, thank you for the nice reviews! I thought about splitting this chapter in two, but I didn't really feel like it, so there you go! :) There's a little time jump between chapter 2 and 3 and you'll see why in a minute. Happy reading!

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One week had passed since Amanda's breakdown in her lieutenant's office and, just like Olivia had predicted, the blonde detective was already back at her desk and cleared for duty. IAB had declared Esther Labott's death an accident and closed the case shortly after interviewing Amanda as well as Olivia and Captain Sasso from ESU, who had both confirmed her version of events.

Amanda had also attended the mandatory session with the department psychiatrist and said all the right things that would send her straight back to her desk. This was not her first rodeo and Amanda was no fool – keeping secrets was second nature to her, so it had been quite easy for her to figure out what to say and when to omit the truth. She knew that if she had been honest about her current mental state, she would probably be on paid leave right now.

The blonde detective had not been able to get more than two or three hours of sleep per night all week, frequently tortured by the horrific images her mind cooked up for her, equal parts her own painful memories and colorful nightmares that had an ever-changing cast of protagonists whose lives she failed to save.

In one of her most recurring dreams, Amanda was back at Esther's house, following Rachel Labott's desperate cries for her mom, but when she turned the corner it was Jesse who was chained to the radiator, not the little brown-haired girl.

One particularly horrible night, she had to watch Esther being held down and choked by her own personal demon, Charles Patton, with Reese standing next her, who watched silently as the struggling girl took her last breath, before turning to Amanda with a disgusted look on her face.

Another good girl biting the dust because of you, Amanda.

When the blonde woke up in a cold sweat, she immediately rushed to the bathroom and threw up, her tears and snot mixing together as she hung over the toilet bowl in a shivering heap.

Tonight, Amanda was racing through the Labott residence looking for Esther once again, her gun drawn and held out in front of her, when a cracking noise behind her made her turn around and empty her clip without a second's pause, only to find in horror that she had shot Olivia, who promptly sunk to the floor, eyes wide in surprise at the betrayal by her own detective.

Amanda shot up in bed, her heart beating furiously inside her chest, sweat rolling down her temple. She looked down at her hands, expecting to see them covered in Liv's blood, and a relieved sob escaped her tight throat when she realized that it had just been a dream.

When she turned up for work a few hours later, Amanda's blue orbs were bloodshot and the bags under her eyes spoke volumes about how bad her mood was going to be on this rainy Saturday morning. She slid into her chair with a small groan and dragged her hands over her tired features.

"Short night?" Fin inquired with a smirk and placed a cup of coffee on her desk.

"Jesse." Amanda grumbled, the lie rolling off her tongue easily. "Is Liv already in?"

"Yeah, she caught a case last night and got an early start."

"Great."

She glanced over at her superior's office and was glad to see the door closed and the shades drawn. She had tried to avoid her boss as much as she could for the past few days, unsure about where they stood after the less-than-grand end of their conversation a week earlier.

Unfortunately for her, the older woman seemed intent on making sure Amanda kept her promise to talk to someone about her feelings. The blonde could tell that Olivia tried to be subtle about it, but Amanda could feel her determination in the way the brunette's eyes constantly followed her around at the precinct, burning a hole into her back with the intensity of her stare.

The day after the shooting, Amanda had found Dr. Lindstrom's business card in the top drawer of her desk, right next to the handful of crumbly dog treats she kept there for Frannie. She'd felt slightly paranoid as she took a quick glance around the squad room and then tucked the card under a pile of files in her drawer, unsure what she wanted to do with it.

The truth was that in the long, lonely hours between her nightmares Amanda often found herself thinking about the brunette's gentle hand on her cheek, wishing Liv was there with her, holding her the same way she did after telling her the news about Esther's death.
At the same time, the young woman felt deeply ashamed for so pathetically clinging to her lieutenant in the first place, hating that she still longed for the comfort of her arms.

Amanda was not used to feeling this emotional and vulnerable and she wondered, with a knot in her stomach, if this was all her lieutenant now saw when she looked at her – someone who was unstable and weak, someone who could not control her emotions, or, even worse: someone who she could not trust to have her back in the field.

She shuddered at the thought, which did not go unnoticed by her partner, who furrowed his eyebrows in suspicion.

"Were you out last night?"

"Out?" Amanda muttered distractedly, still deep in her thoughts while rubbing her temples in circles to fight an oncoming headache.

"Be honest with me, Manda, cause if you need me to drag you to a meeting, I'll do it right now, no questions asked."

"GOD no, Fin…I'm not gambling again. Jeez."

Not yet anyway.

"Good. Let's keep it that way." He nudged her playfully and retreated to his own desk. Amanda rolled her eyes at him but couldn't stop herself from smiling at her partner's unwavering support. In the seven years they've been partners Fin has always had her back, especially when it came to protecting her from herself. You really don't deserve him, Rollins.

With the corner of her mouth still lifted up and a warm feeling in the pit of her stomach, Amanda turned around just in time to see Olivia walking out of her office and towards her desk.

"Amanda." She greeted her with a nod and Amanda mumbled her hello, trying to get a read on her boss's mood this morning. The brunette looked as flawless as she always did, her white blazer a perfect match to the flowy grey blouse and black skinny jeans she sported on most days. Her black-rimmed glasses were perched on her nose and Amanda could feel the brown eyes behind them lingering on her tired features.

The blonde sunk down a little in her chair, feeling as if she was under a microscope, her many flaws enlarged and put on display for everyone to see. She thought she saw a flash of concern wash over the older woman's face, but then she blinked and Olivia had already turned away to talk to her partner.

"Fin, would you mind checking in with the main eye witness in the Angela Diaz case? The trial starts this afternoon and I want to make sure there are no surprises when she takes the stand."

"No problem, Liv." He grabbed his jacket. "See you guys later." He glanced back and forth between the two women and sighed quietly before walking out of the squad room with long, confident strides.

"You look tired." There was no question in Olivia's voice as she turned her head to look at her young detective.

"Gee, thanks, Liv. You really know how-"

"Are you sleeping okay?" Olivia interrupted without as much as a blink.

Wow, I guess there will be no foreplay today.

"They're not called the 'terrible twos' for nothing, eh?" Amanda leaned back in her chair with a shrug and smiled in an attempt to disguise her discomfort. She could not fool the older woman, who let out a small sigh.

"Look, Amanda, there is no wrong answer here, if that's what you're worried about; you're not on trial. And I know you don't like to talk about your personal life, I get it. It's just that after last week's case…I have to say I'm a little worried. And just so you know, I'm asking as a friend, not as your lieutenant."

Friend. The blonde detective gulped and the fake smile dropped from her face. She briefly contemplated whether she should be honest with Olivia at the risk of embarrassing herself further or if she should just stick to the story of the struggling single mom. After a moment of hesitation, she decided to give Olivia part of the truth.

"It's been…tough. But I'll be okay."

"Have you talked to-"

"I'm workin' on it." The blonde cut her off immediately and tried to sound enthusiastic, although the mere thought of talking to a shrink about her nightmares terrified her to no end. She needed a change in topic, pronto.

"Fin said we have a new case?" she asked, trying to sound calm and professional.

The brunette reluctantly decided to let Amanda off the hook for now and nodded her head.

"Yes, a 34-year-old woman was attacked in her apartment building last night. Perp pushed her into a supply closet and tried to rape her. Luckily, she was not as intoxicated as he'd thought and could fight him off before he reached his goal. I went to Mercy last night to talk to her and she gave me a description of her attacker. Carisi's at the scene checking the security footage and I'm gonna talk to the people she was out with last night, see if they noticed anyone lurking around."

"Is that her statement?" Amanda nodded at the file in Olivia's hands.

"No…" the older woman suddenly became fidgety. "Actually this is something else I wanted to talk to you about."

Amanda could feel the dread from earlier creeping back up her spine. More talking. Fantastic.

"I have Esther's file, if you want it." Olivia slid the folder over to her and Amanda stared at it like it was a poisonous snake in her path. "Everything we know about her life and death is in there. I thought you might want to-" She looked up at the grimace that was Amanda's face and stopped abruptly, a hint of doubt visible in her voice when she continued. "Maybe this was a mistake." She reached for the file, but Amanda's hand shot out from under her desk and pinned both Olivia's hand and the file down.

"No, wait. I…I want to read it. I have to. I owe her that." Amanda mumbled and retracted her hand with a slight pink blush on her cheeks. She'd thought Olivia would go back to her office but the brunette stayed where she was, her expression half-expectant, half-concerned.

"I'll read it…later." Amanda hurriedly grabbed the file to stick it into her drawer but it slipped from her fumbling fingers and loose sheets of paper scattered all across the floor.

"GODDAMMIT!" The frustrated scream raised a few eyebrows and questioning looks around the squad room and the blonde glared at everyone in sight. "What are y'all looking at, huh? Don't you have something to do?"

She dropped down to her knees and started picking up the forms, reports and photographs to put them back in the folder, well-aware that Olivia had bent down as well to help her clean up the mess.

"It's okay, Amanda-"

"I'm FINE."

The blonde detective reached out for a page that had skidded several feet away from her desk and when she turned it over, she stopped in her tracks. It was a headshot of Esther from the autopsy report.
The girl was even paler in death than she had been when she was alive, her skin grayish and sickly-looking against the silver autopsy table she laid on. Her hair was brushed back from her face and despite it all, Amanda could see how truly beautiful she'd been – high cheekbones, long eyelashes and smooth skin that did nothing to reveal her actual age. It was the face of a child; young and innocent and-

"Amanda?"

Her boss's voice finally took her out of her trance. She looked up in a daze and met worried brown eyes that rested on her with a questioning look.

Amanda looked down at her hand and realized that she'd absentmindedly brushed her fingertips over the dead girl's sunken cheek. She flinched back as if she got burned and internally cursed herself for behaving like a crazy person in front of her lieutenant.

Before Olivia could say another word, the blonde gathered up the last sheets of paper, dumped them in a disorganized pile into her drawer and slammed it shut.

"Coffee?"

"Sorry- what?" Olivia looked at her in utter confusion, eyebrows drawn together.

"I'm getting coffee from the cart outside. You want some?" Amanda spoke slowly and clearly, planting a distinctly polite smile on her face.

"No, thanks, I ehm…" Olivia looked round the office before stepping closer to her younger detective, ducking her head and lowering her voice slightly. "Amanda, do you want to step into my office and…talk for a minute?"

"I'm fine, Lieutenant, but I really need a huge dose of caffeine…Jesse kept me up all night. You know how it is." Amanda announced with a fake laugh and, avoiding Olivia's gaze, slipped out of the squad room, turned a corner and released the breath she didn't realize she was holding, before heading towards the stairwell.

As she raced down, the heels of her work boots drumming against the steps in a steady rhythm, she kept repeating her mantra in her head, over and over again; I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine.

Olivia looked after the blonde detective, her fingertips grazing her lips and her heart heavy with worry.

-One week later-

A gentle breeze brushed through Amanda Rollins' hair as she walked down the stony path, hands shoved deep into her pockets and shoulders hunched up to her ears. The gravel crunched under her boots and it was this sound that she focused on as she set one heavy step in front of the other, jaw clenched and her lips in a thin line.

The man she followed took a turn to the left and led her through two rows of old and withered gravestones. Amanda stepped onto the neatly trimmed grass and immediately missed the sound of her boots grinding small stones into smaller stones, and she wished there was something to drown out the thoughts screaming at her in her head.

They kept walking in silence, the space around them becoming less and less crowded with graves, but also less cared for. The blonde woman looked at the field of dead grass surrounding her and found herself wondering how much farther they'd have to walk when her guide came to a sudden stop next to a messily dug out hole in the ground.

"So this is it?" Amanda was not impressed.

"I'm afraid this is all we can do for the poor souls who are brought to us without as much as a penny to their name…" The priest shifted uncomfortably on his feet, clearly not happy to be stared down by a pair of piercing blue eyes.

Well, that's what happens when half of your family is in jail awaiting trial, and the other half is shipped off to some aunt in Ohio.

"I suppose we get on with it…?" the older man stammered awkwardly.

Amanda didn't dignify that with an answer and instead turned her head to look for the pall-bearers, but there was no one here but them.

"Where…where is she?"

Her throat closed up as the image of Esther's small body lying in a coffin invaded her mind, and she chastised herself in the same moment. Keep it together, Rollins. It's not going to be an open casket.

She almost missed the mumbled response about a "mix-up at the funeral home" and a deep angry line formed on her forehead.

"Wait…are you telling me that you mixed up the bodies you've been entrusted to bury? What in the fresh hell…?

Amanda could feel the blood starting to boil underneath her skin and she dug her nails into her palms to keep herself from doing something stupid. She had been thin-skinned and on edge the whole morning, avoided talking to anyone at work and dismissed any questions about her well-being with a curt "I'm fine" and a scowl on her face.

The thought of Esther's lifeless body being passed back and forth between strangers, unable to find peace even in death, tapped into a pool of suppressed rage and slowly chipped away at her carefully sculpted mask of control.

A blush started to creep up from under the priest's collar and turned his neck a deep crimson. He gasped in shock at her words and fumbled with the wide sleeve of his robe, simultaneously embarrassed and offended.

"My dear child, I don't know how things are done down South, but in my congregation, you show respect in the presence of the Lord and-"

"Is he?" Amanda snapped bitterly, her eyes burning with anger and her fingers flexing inside her pockets. "Is he present? Here?" She let out a snort of disgust, raising both her arms in a wide gesture. She was about to open her mouth again when she spotted two men in green overalls pulling a cart with a simple, wooden casket towards them.
The sharp comment on the tip of her tongue died and so did the fire in her veins as she looked at the slowly approaching procession with a dull aching in her chest.

The priest let out a relieved sigh and dabbed at the pearls of sweat that had popped up on his forehead, obviously eager to get the ceremony over with and escaping the blonde's wrath.

The closer the sound of the cart's squeaky wheels got, the more Amanda's hands started to sweat. Maybe I shouldn't have come.

They came to a halt next to the deep hole in the ground and briefly conversed with the priest.

"Are you sure it's her?" Amanda couldn't keep the slight shaking from her voice and she hated herself for it, but she had to be sure.

One of the men looked down at his clipboard. "Esther Labott, aged 27, fatally shot by a police officer during a hostage crisis on April 21st." He looked up at her and his eyes were glassy and free of any emotion. "Does that sound right?"

Tears instantly welled up in Amanda's eyes and she fought to force them back, nodding quickly and averting her gaze. Stop it. Stop it. STOP it.

The two cemetery workers stepped back respectfully and folded their hands behind their backs.

The priest promptly started to monologue about how God was welcoming his beloved child in heaven, but Amanda tuned out as soon as he opened his mouth, his voice nothing more than a buzzing sound on the edge of her consciousness, her mind deciding to take her back to that day; the day Esther had died.

Amanda knew there were at least thirty loaded gun barrels in her back, pointing at William Labott as he stood on his front porch, his frightened daughter shivering beside him. She knew that her lieutenant was only a few feet behind her, staring a hole into her bulletproof vest. She knew that the odds of survival were not in their favor when it came to hostage situations involving religious cults. She knew there were at least five other young children in the house they had to worry about. She knew all that and still, the only thing she found herself thinking while she tried to talk Labott into giving up was this: Please, let her survive. Let Esther live. I need her to be okay. Please, Lord, if you must take one of them…keep her safe.

Later Amanda had concluded that this must make her a horrible person, but she couldn't change how she felt, even if she wanted to. And she was aware that if she could go back to that day, she'd still feel the same way.

Amanda briefly wondered if this new, constant pain in her chest was her punishment for being a bad human being, only to then feel deeply ashamed of herself for wallowing in self-pity while the real victim had her life ripped away by Amanda's own hand.

"Miss?"

The blonde's head snapped up and she looked at the priest in bewilderment.

"What did you say?"

"I asked if you would like to say something."

She stared at the plain casket, swallowed the lump in her throat and shook her head once.

The priest motioned for the two men to come over and when they grabbed the ropes to lower the box into the ground, Amanda felt a rush of anxiety bubbling to the surface that she couldn't hold in any longer.

"WAIT!"

Three pairs of eyes looked at her in surprise.

"I- I need to say goodbye." She squeaked, despair lining her thin voice, and the men let go of the ropes, resuming their previous position behind the priest.

Amanda took a hesitant step towards the casket and felt her legs wobble beneath her. She took another step, praying to God that she was not going to collapse in front of these strangers. She could feel their eyes on her, probably sizing her up, or maybe they were just annoyed that she held them up with her tiny kitten steps. The blonde detective measured the distance between herself and the casket. Five more steps, maybe six…just put your damn foot in front of the other, Amanda Rollins.

Amanda could smell her before she even saw her; the calming sweetness of her moonflower-based perfume with just a hint of vanilla; the scent that accompanied her wherever she went and now…she was here.

Out of the corner of her tear-filled eye she saw Olivia step up next to her, gently brushing her blazer-clad arm against hers, and Amanda felt a shiver run down her back. Before she could get any words past her clogged up throat, the trembling woman felt a warm hand on her elbow, and she felt herself moving forward without difficulty. When they came to a halt in front of Esther's casket, the taller woman let go of Amanda's elbow but remained close enough for her to feel the heat radiating from her body.

Amanda's heart was hammering in her chest as she lowered her quivering hand onto the large box in front of her. She didn't know what to say. Frustrated tears finally spilled over and she angrily brushed them away with the back of her hand.

"Hey."

Olivia slipped her larger hand into hers and gave it a reassuring squeeze. On any other day Amanda would have felt mortified and embarrassed to the bone for showing so much vulnerability in front of her boss, again,but to her own surprise, she found she didn't care. She needed someone to comfort her, and she wanted it to be Liv.

"I don't know…what to say," Amanda admitted with a pain-filled voice and looked up at the brunette, who stood by her side tall and strong and unwavering like a giant rock in the sea.

Olivia turned slightly toward her, compassionate brown eyes meeting desperate blue ones.

"Just tell her how you feel."

Amanda threw a quick glance over to the three men curiously observing her and Olivia tugged at their entwined hands, directing the blonde's attention back to her.

"Forget about them. It's just you and me."

The smaller woman flashed her a tortured smile.

"Honey, you don't have to be embarrassed in front of me. Ever."

Amanda bit her lip and nodded. Her gaze fell back on the wooden casket and she opened her mouth, just to close it again. She tried once more, clearing her throat and trying to summon Esther before her inner eye – alive and breathing, not dead on the floor with blood seeping from the bullet wound in her skull.

A violent shudder passed through her body and she knew that Olivia had felt it, too, when a thumb brushed soothingly over her knuckles.

"Close your eyes, Amanda." Olivia's voice was a hushed whisper and the smaller woman complied without hesitation, silent tears seeping out from under her eyelids. "Just tell her."

A deep breath.

A heartbeat.

And then the dam broke.

"I'm- I'm sorry. I'm so sorry that I couldn't- couldn't s-save you…I…" Amanda tried to stifle her sobs with her free hand but she was not very successful.

She felt her other hand being raised slowly and then touched by a soft pair of lips.

"You're doing great, honey, keep going."

"I sh-should n-never have let you get back into that h-house." Shame weighed down on her like a water-soaked blanket and her shoulders dropped as if there was an actual weight dragging her down.

"I was supposed to protect you, but I didn't – I failed you and I-I'm SO sorry…" she choked on her words, leaning forward to caress the top of the casket with a gentle touch, tears splashing down on the wooden material and painting small, dark circles on its surface.

"I will never be able to forgive myself for that."

Amanda took in a deep breath and released it with a long, shuddery sigh. There, she had said it.

"I believe she would."

"Huh?" Amanda tilted her tear-stained face up towards the brunette.

"I didn't get to know Esther as well as you did, but from what I saw and heard…I'd say that she would forgive you. I think she kind of already did."

The blonde frowned in confusion.

"The note she wrote you…it said 'thank you', remember?"

"But that was before…" Amanda bit her lip.

"I think she knew what was going to happen; not what exactly, obviously, but I believe she knew she wouldn't make it out of that house alive. And the one thing – the one thing she wanted to do before her life ended – was thanking you. Because you saw her when no one else did."

Olivia's eyes glistened with tears, but she was smiling. Again, she raised their joint fingers to her lips, planting a tender kiss on the back of Amanda's hand, this time locking eyes with her.

"You've allowed yourself to feel the pain..." With her free hand, Olivia wiped away the half-dried tears on the younger woman's cheeks.

"…you asked for forgiveness…" She laid her hand next to Amanda's on the coffin.

"…now you need to forgive yourself, Amanda. And then…

"Then what?" the smaller woman asked, her voice scratchy.

"…then you let her go." Olivia finished, her head tilted to the side, and her warm, kind eyes looked directly into Amanda's soul.