Here we are. This will be the final chapter of Learn To Let Go. Thank you to everyone who favorited this story or took the time to write a review - it means a lot! A special shout-out goes to my friend sheepish for her sweet words of encouragement. :) I hope you like this chapter. Happy reading!
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The two women watched in silence as the casket was lowered into the ground, their shoulders touching and the tips of their fingers dangling next to each other. Amanda could feel the regular rise and fall of the brunette's chest beside her and it filled her with a sense of calm.
A warm breeze blew brown and blonde hair alike back from their faces and Amanda took in a deep breath, feeling like a weight has been lifted from her shoulders.
"You ready to go?" There was not a hint of pressure in Olivia's tone when she addressed the smaller woman, only patience and empathy. Amanda turned her head towards the bright blue sky. Rest easy now, Esther. Then she nodded.
They started walking back in the direction of the parking lot, both enjoying the peaceful quiet around them. Neither of them was in a rush to get back to the precinct, so their strides were long and slow.
"So…" Amanda was reluctant to break the silence, but she needed to know. "How did you know I'd come here?"
"Call it a hunch." A knowing smile graced the brunette's lips.
"Does anybody else…" Amanda broke off, a bout of insecurity washing over her face, and she chewed on her bottom lip anxiously.
"I didn't tell anyone, but I asked Fin to drop me off here, so I guess he put two and two together."
The blonde snorted and nodded her head lightly. Of course Fin knew.
They walked past a small, slightly mossy bench and Amanda could feel herself slowing down, not quite ready to leave yet. She wanted to stay here, between green hills and colorful flower beds and old couples who were buried next to each other, just for a little while longer. She wanted to stay in this limbo where she was just Amanda, not the detective who'd shot an innocent woman, and Olivia was not Lieutenant Benson, but the woman who'd so tenderly kissed her hand.
Without missing a beat, the older woman took her hint and sat down on one end of the bench, crossed her legs and inclined her closed eyes up towards the sun.
"Don't we have to get back?" Amanda asked hesitantly.
"Not yet."
The blonde detective joined the older woman on the bench, leaving about a foot's length of space between them. She took in her boss's still features and her long, brown tresses shimmering in the sunlight. She let her eyes wander across smooth, tan skin and decided that she'd rarely seen her lieutenant look this relaxed outside of her own home. She was slightly startled when Olivia suddenly popped one eye open as if she had felt the burning gaze through her eyelids.
"What are you staring at, Rollins? Do I have something on my face?" Her tone was light and teasing and it was a nice change from the usually strained voice the detective was so used to hearing at the precinct.
"What? No, I was just thinking."
"'Bout what?"
Amanda turned her gaze away from the other woman and let it wander across the field of graves in front of her. She chose to ignore the question, fully aware that she was being rude, but her feelings towards the other woman were already a huge, confusing mess, and she didn't feel like sorting through them right this moment.
Instead, her eyes started following the priest from earlier as he made his way back up to the main building that belonged to the cemetery. Olivia followed her eyeline and the corner of her mouth quirked up slightly.
"For a minute there I thought you were going to strangle that poor guy with his own stola."
"He was kind of a moron." the blonde detective grunted through gritted teeth, her temper flaring up again as she remembered his patronizing tone when he'd spoken to her.
Then, without warning, her thoughts wandered back to Esther in her casket and her shoulders slumped a little, eyes sagging with sadness. Olivia picked up on the subtle change in her posture instantly and sat up a little taller next to her.
"Are you feeling any better now?" She was aware they were not talking about the priest anymore and her voice got its soft lilt back.
Amanda hunched up her shoulders and shrugged non-committally. Olivia waited patiently until the younger woman had collected her thoughts.
"I honestly don't know, Liv. I felt…relieved just a minute ago but now…"
The blonde scoffed and her lips curled up in frustration. Olivia wrapped her hand around Amanda's forearm, hoping to afford some consolation through her touch.
"It's completely normal to experience highs and lows, especially when everything is still so fresh. Grief tends to come-"
"I swear to god, Olivia, if you're about to say 'grief tends to come in five stages' I'm gonna lose it. I don't believe in that crap. It's just an excuse for people to wallow in their own misery instead of trying to move on with their lives."
Amanda's tone was heated and Olivia cocked one brow, her detective's sudden harshness taking her by surprise. She caught the provocative gleam in the blonde's eyes as well as the brief flash of insecurity and she could feel in her bones that there was more to this than the younger woman let on.
"Wow." she let out a snort before she forced down a sarcastic retort, reminding herself that the blonde was still vulnerable and in emotional pain.
"Actually, I was going to say that grief tends to come in waves and that no one expects you to just shake this off and put Esther's death behind you after a week or two."
Olivia could see shame wash over her young detective's face and she stroked her thumb over the soft skin of Amanda's arm to let her know that she was not angry with her.
"Sorry."
"It's okay. I should make you read up on the Kübler-Ross-model though…it's quite enlightening." There was a dry note in Olivia's tone, but the smile on her face was sincere. However, one look at Amanda's face told her that the blonde's thoughts had already strayed in another direction and Olivia jostled her arm lightly to get her attention back.
"Care to share?" she asked, her voice just as soft as before.
"I feel like such a crybaby." Amanda admitted with strain in her voice, eyes staring into the distance.
"You're not."
The blonde turned her head towards Olivia and her blue orbs were filled with sadness once again.
"I guess it just hit me hard when I saw her casket, you know? I looked at that…wooden box they'd stuffed her into and all I could think about was that…injured baby bird I once found on the ground when I was little. I carried it home in my hands and showed it to my mom and she said 'For Chrissake, Amanda! Get that filthy thing outta my house!'" Amanda paused at the memory and huffed with contempt before she continued.
"So I went to my room and wrapped it in a towel and put it in an empty shoe box. I tried to feed it with worms from our yard. I talked to it all night. And I prayed to God and asked him to heal my new friend." A pained expression rose on her face. "When I woke up the next morning it had died. I took the box outside and buried it and marked the ground with a smooth white stone."
When she looked up into Olivia's huge, glassy eyes, there was a dull pain in the depth of her blue orbs that words couldn't describe.
"In the end, how was Esther any different than that? Just a tiny little bird in a shoe box, dying in my hands."
Olivia quickly caught the tear that had broken free during Amanda's little speech and tried to swallow past the giant lump that seemed to have taken permanent residence in her throat.
"You know…perhaps it's not so much about the 'when' and 'how' of our demise and more about who we're with before we go."
"What difference does it make?" Amanda sounded defeated and so very tired.
"It makes all the difference, Amanda." Olivia tilted her head and the conviction in her voice and warmth in her eyes slowly started to melt the icy grip of grief around the blonde's heart.
"The impact of a life is not measured in the numbers of years you've lived or the monuments you leave behind; it is measured in the way you've touched other people's lives and made them feel heard and seen; made them feel valuable."
"You really believe that?"
"I do, with all my heart." Olivia replied emphatically and placed her hand on her own chest.
They sat in comfortable silence after that, each woman lost in her own thoughts for a while.
"Can I ask you something personal, Liv?" Amanda eventually probed carefully.
Olivia let out a tiny laugh that made Amanda's skin prickle. "After all the things you let me witness today I guess I owe you one, don't I?"
The blonde could feel the heat rising in her cheeks and Olivia quickly raised a pacifying hand, her tone warm when she spoke.
"Hey, I meant that as a compliment, honey. You took a huge step today and I'm very proud of you."
Amanda didn't know how to feel about that, but she chose to delay that internal battle with herself and focus on what she had meant to ask, now that Liv had given her permission.
"After Lewis…how long did it take until you felt…like you were going to be okay again?" Amanda watched closely for any sign of distress on Olivia's face, but the brunette's features were smooth and her voice was calm and collected when she answered. Obviously she'd been expecting something like this.
"Hard to say…I can't pinpoint the exact moment I knew that I wouldn't suffer like that forever; that I could be happy again, despite what happened to me. Maybe it was when I got Noah. For the first few months, I couldn't look at him without smiling. He saved me." The older woman's eyes were full of love when she talked about her little boy and Amanda couldn't help but smile, too.
"And the nightmares…?"
A shadow flashed over Olivia's face and her expression turned more solemn.
"I still have them from time to time. Some cases remind me of him and then it usually gets worse." she admitted honestly.
Amanda grew silent and the brunette knew it was her turn.
"Do you have dreams about Esther?" she probed gently.
"Every night."
"Do you want to tell me about them?"
Amanda shrugged and twisted her hands nervously, her throat suddenly dry.
"That's okay. You don't have to talk about them if you don't want to. But I can tell you from experience that shining a light into the darkest corners of your mind…it helps. Plus, I've been told I'm a great listener." She winked and the smaller woman immediately felt more at ease.
"It's not that I don't want to tell you. I just don't want you to think that I'm…pathetic. Or crazy."
"Amanda," Olivia took her hand in both of hers and gave it a reassuring squeeze. "You know I would never think that."
"It's not just Esther…" the blonde hastily blurted out and Olivia nodded encouragingly.
"It's all a little jumbled, but in most of my nightmares there are other people that I need to save in one way or another. People I care about." Her expression was full of pain again.
"Jesse?" Olivia supplied sympathetically.
The smaller woman nodded. "Jesse. Kim. Reese. And…"
"And?"
"…and you."
The brunette was stunned for a moment. She didn't really know how to respond to that revelation.
"I shouldn't have told you that." Amanda was shaking her head at her own stupidity, regret and embarrassment sneaking up on her and reaching their ugly claws out, but Olivia acted quickly and tugged at the hand she was still holding before the blonde could retreat into her shell.
"I'm glad you did, Amanda. Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me about your dreams. If it helps you in any way, I'll always be here to listen, I can promise you that."
"I just want to know how I can make them stop." Amanda fixed her lieutenant with a pleading look and the older woman's heart clenched.
"I know you don't want to hear it, but you should really talk to a professional about that, Amanda. As you so kindly pointed out not too long ago, I'm not a shrink." Olivia cocked a brow and a teasing smile graced her lips before she turned serious again. "So maybe I'm not the best-equipped person to give out advice on how to do that."
"But you've been through trauma," Amanda argued without missing a beat, "and you've come out on the other side stronger and without…without doing something stupid." She finished her sentence kind of awkwardly and started to pick at the skin under her fingernails.
"Who says I didn't do anything stupid?" Olivia raised her eyebrows questioningly.
Amanda opened her mouth and closed it again without uttering a word.
The brunette sighed deeply.
"Right after my…abduction, there were days that I…couldn't make myself get out of bed. I kept the shades down and the curtains drawn and I told Brian that I wanted to be alone even though I didn't, I just couldn't…"She stopped herself, not ready to share her most intimate thoughts and feelings from that time.
"Brian's a good man, but he's…complicated and hot-headed. And I could barely deal with my own feelings, so spending energy on dealing with his on top of everything else was just…too much. So I asked him to leave and he did."
The blonde hung on to her lips, feeling honored that Olivia was sharing something so private with her.
"When he was gone, nobody was there to witness when I fell apart. I had so many nightmares that I barely slept for days at a time, until I was so tired that I passed out. On most days, the thought of eating made me nauseous, so I just didn't. And then, of course, there was the drinking."
The older woman let out a hollow laugh and she didn't look at Amanda when she continued, afraid to see disappointment in her detective's eyes.
"I'd sworn to myself a long time ago that I'd rather eat my gun than end up like my mother and there I was…" she choked slightly on her words and Amanda placed a small hand on her shoulder, rubbing it softly to comfort her.
It pained her to see Olivia hurting. She didn't know that the older woman had been in such a dark place and she felt a sharp pang of guilt at the thought that the brunette had gone through that rough time all alone.
Olivia threw her a quick thankful glance and Amanda could see the vulnerability and tears shining in her eyes.
"Anyway…on one of my better days I told myself I had to stop before I lost control completely. I started seeing Dr. Lindstrom and the nightmares got less and less frequent. I stopped drinking. My appetite came back. And so did my happiness, when Noah came into my life." She smiled. "So yes, I did do some pretty stupid things, too, Amanda. The path to healing is not straightforward and it's not easy. But it's worth it."
The blonde took in everything for a minute before lifting her gaze to meet Olivia's eyes.
"You're the strongest person I know, Liv." Her voice was full of conviction and admiration.
Olivia chuckled and squeezed her hand tightly.
"Takes one to know one, huh?"
"What, me? Nah, I'm just hard to kill." Amanda flashed her a crooked smile and Olivia laughed out loud before getting serious again.
"You're giving me way too much credit, Amanda, and you're giving yourself too little." She whispered with a hint of sadness.
"What Lewis did to you was so much worse than anything that's ever happened to me." Amanda insisted stubbornly and Olivia could tell that the young woman was gearing up to argue with her again.
"Well, my therapist says that it's not healthy to compare your pain to that of others, because it's a game that literally no one can win. And I believe that is true. Just because someone's had it worse doesn't mean your pain isn't valid. It doesn't mean that you're not allowed to feel whatever you're feeling. It doesn't mean you're not deserving of help or comfort…or love."
The older woman's voice was vibrating with the intensity of her words as she was trying to drill that message into her stubborn detective's head. Unfortunately, Amanda seemed to move down a different road.
"I just don't understand why I'm taking this so hard. I barely even knew Esther when she died. Why can't I stop dreaming about her? Why am I such a sobbing mess all of a sudden? I am not like this. So weak and…broken." The blonde was getting agitated.
"You are not weak and you are not broken, Amanda." Olivia's voice was stern now and she could feel the smaller woman starting to pull back from her, both physically and emotionally.
"Hey, stop that right now and listen." Amanda looked up at the sound of Olivia's lieutenant voice and felt her boss's sparkling eyes boring into hers with fierce passion.
"You feel guilty that an innocent woman is dead and you're alive, yes or no?"
"I don't know what you-"
"Yes or no?"
The blonde frowned and looked at Olivia with big eyes. "Yes."
"You believe that a better detective than yourself could have prevented her death, yes or no?"
"Yes."
"You're afraid that your co-workers will look at you differently now; that they will see you as weak and not trust you to do your job like you used to, yes or no?"
Amanda gulped visibly. "Yes."
"Sometimes even you doubt that you can do your job the way you used to, and that thought scares you more than anything, yes or no?"
Amanda sniffed and averted her gaze, blonde hair hiding her face as she looked to the ground. Olivia scooted closer to the smaller woman and cupped her chin with her right hand, eyes searching for two deep pools of emotion.
"Yes or no?" She repeated in a whisper.
Amanda tilted her head in defeat and a single tear broke free.
"Yes."
"Then you are feeling exactly what I was feeling after Lewis abducted me and tortured and raped and killed innocent people because of me." Olivia's voice was shaking as the memories broke down her mental barriers, but she kept going. She had to do this for Amanda.
"That's what I thought about and that's what I felt when I laid on my couch with a bottle of vodka in my hand. But these are feelings, not facts."
As soon as the words had left her mouth, a familiar face popped into her mind. Another blonde with long, smooth hair and bitterness etched on her face. Another young woman who had experienced trauma and who Olivia had desperately tried to reach with her words. Sarah Walsh.
She zapped back to the present day when she felt a small, warm body shuffling closer to her. She blinked twice and the other girl's face disappeared. Instead, she found Amanda Rollins' eyes staring up at her.
"Where were you just now?" she asked carefully, eyes alert and full of concern.
"I took a trip down memory lane."
Amanda waited for her to elaborate, but the brunette didn't feel like opening more doors to the past, so she remained quiet. The blonde looked at Olivia from the side, her gaze lingering on the tremor in her slim hand, likely the aftershock of diving into her own painful past yet again.
Amanda could feel it rise rapidly in her chest; the desperate need to reciprocate, to show Olivia that she wanted to be there for her in the same way that the older woman had been there for her. The blonde shifted in her spot timidly, not sure what to do, when she realized that Olivia had caught her stare and was now tucking her trembling hand away in shame.
Without a second thought, Amanda flung herself at Olivia, wrapping her surprised lieutenant into a tight hug, one hand on the taller woman's back, the other entangled in silky brown locks. After the initial shock, Olivia moved in to hug her back softly, her eyes closed and a content sigh on her lips.
"Liv?"
The brunette hummed in response.
"I'm really glad you came here today."
Olivia's eyes fluttered open and the smile on her lips broadened, even though the blonde couldn't see it.
"I'm glad too, honey."
Finally, Amanda leaned back a little, keeping her arm loosely around Olivia's back, still in need of the physical connection to her source of courage for what she planned to do.
"Can I borrow your phone for a second?"
Olivia was stunned for a fleeting moment but recovered quickly and nodded.
She watched Amanda scroll for a couple of seconds before she raised the phone to her ear, anxiety clearly evident in the way she chewed on her bottom lip.
"Hi…no, this is not Olivia. My um…my name is Amanda Rollins."
The blonde listened to the voice on the other side and a relieved sigh escaped her lips and took away some of the tension in her shoulders.
"Yes, it's been a while." She blushed. "I was wondering if you could possibly squeeze me in for a referral sometime?"
Olivia felt her throat close up when Amanda tentatively raised her eyes to meet her own shiny brown orbs.
"Yeah, that works for me. Thank you, Dr. Lindstrom. I'll see you on Thursday."
The blonde hung up and before she could do or say anything, Olivia wordlessly pulled her in for a second hug, this one longer and more tender. Amanda was torn between relief and embarrassment, but decided to ignore her self-doubt for once and just take what was being so freely and lovingly offered to her, melting into the older woman's embrace, their hearts beating in tandem.
After a full minute, Olivia let go of the blonde, just to immediately take her face into her hands and look her detective in the eyes with unabashed pride and joy.
"I am SO proud of you, Amanda. I know how hard that was for you."
The smaller woman shrugged sheepishly and had to suppress a self-conscious frown.
"It's really not that big a deal, Liv."
"Yes, it is, and you know that damn well, Amanda Rollins. Don't act so nonchalant about it and just feel good about yourself for once, will ya?" the brunette chastised her gently.
Amanda grimaced and Olivia's laughter filled the tiny cracks in her wounded soul; at least for a little while, she felt whole again.
Now or never.
"Will you do me one more favor?"
"Whatever you need, Amanda." Olivia responded sincerely, her face still lit up, with a hint of eagerness twinkling in the corner of her eyes.
"Can you…come with me? To the appointment?" Amanda's voice got a little higher at the end.
Olivia's eyes softened immeasurably and she reached out with both hands – because that's what she always did for the people she cared about– to take Amanda's.
"Of course," she said, her voice a deep, velvety hum, "I'll be right there by your side."