AN: First order of business.

I AM SO SORRY.

There's really nothing I can offer except for excuses, but this was a project that didn't deserve to be put off for so long. I ended up getting wrapped up in my other project (before I procrastinated on it too) but part of that is because I wasn't exactly with my original premise on this story. The idea of the characters reacting to the original plot was an interesting idea and I would still love to see someone do it, but I realized that I wasn't happy with just having the characters there to react and not much else. I wanted to make characters who seemed realistic and actually changed the world. I went even farther away from that in chapter two which was mostly composed of humor with mild amounts of plot development, which made it difficult for me to write chapter three.

And so it sat and stagnated for months, as I would occasionally come back, try to write a few lines, and then give up. So I decided to change my strategy. Yes, these characters will change things. You can now officially consider this as an AU story since things will be different. Characters will act and react differently, and I even have an idea for an original arc somewhere down the road. I realized there was so much I could do with the characters and setting that I was just wasting with my original idea.

So this is a WARNING. From this chapter on, things are going to change. Things are going to be less humorous and hopefully better written. Also I hope and plan to be able to update more regularly, on the lines of once a week or so. I haven't abandoned this project or my other one. Thank you for your patience and I hope it was worth a fraction of the far-too-long wait.

I edited the previous chapters and probably the biggest thing will be that I realized that having characters that I saw in my mind as being Japanese having western names like Lysanndra and Stanley was stupid so I changed that. Stanley Linels has been changed to Kai Kado, family name then given. Lyssandra-forgot-what-the-last-name-was has been changed to Horikawa Kioko, family name then given.

Also I accidentally deleted the ANs on the first two chapters so I have no clue what I said in those.

P.S. Surprise Omake at the end of this chapter!

Waking up the next morning was an interesting experience. My bedroom is on the second floor of our home, the first floor being a large area reserved for the antique store that my family runs. My room is relatively small, made smaller by the large bookcases that line the walls that are overflowing with various books and manga. On the side of the room farthest away from the door there's my bed, and directly above it is a large window facing the east.

Usually this window would be covered by curtains, but they had been taken to be washed the previous day, and hadn't been returned in the middle of the night, surprise of surprises. So in the morning, as the sun breaks over the horizon and begins to slowly illuminate the quiet town, it would shine directly down onto me. Normally this was irritating but endurable.

Since I had been recently revived as a devil though, some small changes were inevitable in my morning schedule. I would like to say that I handled such changes with grace and aplomb, taking them in my stride and adapting to the circumstances.

My bedroom door burst open and my twin sisters ran in as if they were prepared to be fighting a burglar, holding stances that looked vaguely like martial arts. Until they spied my form, at least.

"Are you okay?" "What happened?" My sisters both have short black hair and blue eyes, just like dad, and tended to be somewhat protective of me. Whether due to my slight condition or because they were literally better at everything than me, I'm not sure. Seriously though. Cooking, sports, cleaning, schoolwork, they just blow me out of the water like a dolphin coming up for air.

I peeked my head out from the tight ball of covers I had pulled the blankets into as I woke up. "Nothing happened, the sun's just really bright today."

They glanced at me, postures relaxing and eyes becoming less excited. "We heard you screaming-" "-like a girl-" "-with her hair on fire." "And you're on the floor next to your bed." "You were writhing in pain when we came in." "And you're bleeding from your eyes."

Really? That was actually kinda cool if I say so myself. As touched as I was that they had come in here ready to fight somebody to protect me, I had to show my little sisters my cool side. I propped myself up against the bed as best I could and ran my fingers through my hair, letting a few strands fall down directly in front of my left eye. "Don't worry, I'm alright now. I'd never do anything to make you cry."

As one of the twins, Hitomi I guessed, left to get some gauze for my eyes, I tried to pretend that her shoulders were shaking from restraining her reaction to my coolness, and not laughter. That left the one helping untangle me from my blankets as Hiromi. Of course I was probably wrong, but it'd probably be the same no matter which one I guessed. It should be a fifty-fifty chance, statistically speaking, but instead it's closer to a eighty-twenty chance. With the eighty percent being wrong, and the twenty percent being that you were one of the girls in question.

Not only were they identical twins, they had decided at a young age to play it up even further, trading off speaking sentences and wearing identical outfits. Probably the only person who would be able to tell which one was which would be Kioko. I really needed to introduce them at some point, just to see them freak out at somebody getting it right.

"Honestly, I don't know why we're surprised," Hiromi(?) sighed, pulling the thick blanket off of me and beginning to put it back on the bed. "We really should be used to these things by now."

Ignoring her use of 'we' when it was just her there, I tried to get up and help. It just didn't feel right sitting on the floor while my little sister took care of something like that. "Here, let me help, you don't need to do that."

I was quickly halted by a glare and a single sentence. "You'll bleed onto the blankets."

And so I simply sat dejected in the corner of the room while my little sister tidied up after me until Hitomi(?) came with gauze and a washcloth. One quick morning ritual later, I was sitting down with my family at the breakfast table set up in the living room.

We were all eating crunchy oatmeal with black flecks in it, slightly fixed smiles on our faces. No matter how many times she tried, mom could never get the cooking time right, either burning meals or leaving them slightly under-cooked. No matter what we tried it never seemed to work so we eventually just threw up our arms, declared it a curse, and left it at that.

Mom though, seemed to believe that cooking breakfast for the family was a 'Mother's Duty' as she called it, and refused to let anyone else cook breakfast. Of course we weren't allowed to complain about the quality, so breakfast tended to be a rather quiet affair.

This time, dad spoke up partway through, talking between bites of his food. "So, sounded like something crazy happened this morning. Anything we need to know about?" Dad was a quiet man who had a hands-off parenting style, hair going prematurely gray, and fake glasses that he wore to seem more knowledgeable to the customers. Also he'd confided in me once that mom found his glasses 'sexy.'

I tried very hard each day to forget that conversation had ever happened.

He was usually willing to let me come to him about any events or concerns that I had. That he'd spoken up about it meant that he was dying with curiosity on the inside. Resisting the urge to sink through my seat and into my shadow, I tried to act calm as I said "Nothing much, I just-"

And was almost immediately interrupted by my sisters, who had apparently just been waiting for me to start talking about it so that they could take over. "He was bleeding from his eyes!" "And had fallen off the bed. There's a bump on his head." "He tried to act cool, but-" "-just ended up looking like a horror movie." "We thought he'd seen a ghost" "Or had someone in his room." They sadly shook their heads at the last one, as if mourning something. "We should have known better," whichever one who hadn't last spoken said.

Couldn't they have not mentioned maybe some of it? Now my manly pride had nothing left, just a vague cloud dissipating slowly into the atmosphere.

"What are you doing down there, Kado?"

"Nothing much, checking for mushrooms."

"Under the table?"

"It's cold and dark down here, just like my soul."

"Well. Good luck then."

"Is our brother upset?" "Should we have not mentioned his failed attempt at-" "-looking cool?" "We were going to say waking up, but I suppose-" "-we can be merciful today."

Mom sat and tried to pretend that the oatmeal was delicious. I got the feeling that she'd be interrogating my sisters for details later, though.

I really do love my family. Probably.

S~~~S~~~S~~~S~~~S~~~S

After walking my sisters to the Kuoh middle school, (no matter what they say, I was walking them, they were not walking me) I met up with Kioko in front of the school and headed inside, chatting about how difficult the math homework had been the night before. She'd apparently breezed through it, doing most of the calculations in her head. All I had to show for my work was a mass of scribbles on the page and the completed answers, half of which had question marks next to them, perfectly indicative of my confidence in them.

As soon as we reached a slightly less populated area, she grabbed my hand and pulled me off to one side. "I checked over the area last night for any unusual signs of energy, just in case there was another stray devil."

"Did you find anything?" I asked, suddenly worried. If she hadn't found anything, she would have just casually mentioned it to me as we walked, instead of pulling me aside. If there was another stray like the first one, I'd probably be obligated to at least warn Rias, and then she'd wonder where I got the information from.

She shook her head, guessing my general thoughts. "It wasn't another stray devil, thank goodness. It was odd though. There was a whole bunch of strange signals on the west side of town, by the city border." Her face had a slightly puzzled expression, still trying to put together the puzzle pieces. "They weren't like devils, but they didn't feel like they were really alive. It was dark, but more like sentience than actual life. The closest I can guess is some kind of golem perhaps?"

She was lost in thought for a time, musing over the possibilities. I let her think for a moment, used to this happening. She shook herself out of it before too long, refocusing on me. "Right, anyway. There was also a mass of human signatures with them, so maybe there's a group who's creating them? But whatever is happening, please stay away from there. With any luck, they'll stay in their corner and you won't have to deal with them. But I wanted you to know, just in case."

Then with a quick peck on the cheek which I returned, we separated into our classes. She was a year ahead of me, so none of our classes were the same. The first time we'd met was actually because of that. Due to a bet I'd lost when messing around with some old friends from a different school, I'd had to stand on the roof of the school, and as soon as I saw a large number of second-years exit the building, I had to scream out "Notice me senpai!" at the top of my lungs.

I'd done it, and while many of them laughed and moved on, one went back into the building and cornered me on the staircase as I'd tried to make my escape. She'd asked me why I'd done something so stupid, but when I told her that it was for a bet, she'd laughed and let me go. The weeks after that, she wouldn't let me pass by her in the halls without sneaking up behind me and whispering "noticed you, kouhai," into my ear. Months later when she asked if I would be her boyfriend, I'd told her yes, but only if she'd stop sneaking up behind me like that!

Lost in pleasant memories, I wandered off to homeroom, a goofy grin on my face and her warning almost completely forgotten.

S~~~S~~~S~~~S~~~S~~~S

After school me and Kioko agreed to show up at the Occult clubroom. Like it or not, I was a part of the peerage and would be required to assist in battles or handing out contracts. Not to mention that they were currently just about our only link to the wider supernatural world. Kioko could get a good grasp of what was going on in Kuoh itself with her energy web, but anything beyond those limits or on the side of politics was invisible to her.

And so we were back in the clubroom after only a day, sipping some very good tea made by Akeno and weathering the numerous suspicious looks that Rias cast our way as she lectured her other new servant, Issei.

"You're a devil now, you know? Carelessly going onto church soil is akin to invading enemy territory. We're at peace now, but doing something like that, I wouldn't be surprised if you got hit by a spear of light from heaven."

The brown-haired devil looked truly ashamed, gazing down at his feet with his hands in his pockets, instead of gazing down at his president's chest level. "Got it, Buchou, I won't go there again."

She nods her head vigorously, not quite done yet. "Exorcists and holy light are the biggest threats to you as a devil, and some of them are very enthusiastic about hunting down who they see as heathens. If you die because of an angel or holy light, it won't just be like when you died as a human. You'll be cut off from any afterlife and returned to nothing. You'll cease to exist, Issei."

She lightly grabbed his chin and brought it up to meet her sincere blue eyes. "I don't want that happening to you, Issei. So please be careful from now on."

Issei's gaze seemed to flicker through a few emotions that would start to show on his face, then be banished by the next one. Whatever his thoughts, there was some kind of inner struggle happening there. In the end he nodded. "Alright. I'll promise to be more careful, Buchou. I'll stay away from the church."

Our king sighed, relieved, and let her hand drop back down from his chin. "I'm relieved to hear it."

Unable to resist the temptation, I whispered loudly to Kioko "Don't suppose you have any popcorn? I'm all out and this is the best part."

In an equal tone of voice, Kioko whispered back "Get your own popcorn, I haven't seen drama this good since the last Land Before Time movie."

Rias seemed to freeze for a moment as she registered what she'd just done, before spinning on us with an angry glare and a slight blush of embarrassment. "And don't get me started on you, Kai-san! You might not be making friends with nuns, but you're certainly not making any friends here either. I have half a mind to tell you to go wander into church territory yourself!" Apparently she still held a grudge from the day before. While it was somewhat rewarding knowing that I could get under her skin like that, I'd just realized that it had been a really bad idea to sour my relationship with the person that basically owned my life. That joke about sending me into church territory? She could probably do that.

She was broken from any further ranting by Akeno offering a loud but polite cough from behind her. When Rias turned to look at her with a questioning eyebrow, she offered a small sheepish grin. "An order from the Arch Duke. There's a stray in the area."

Then Rias smiled and I immediately regretted my earlier hasty decisions. "Perfect!"

S~~~S~~~S~~~S~~~S~~~S

Ten minutes and one teleportation later, the occupants of the clubroom sans Kioko were standing outside an abandoned two story building located on the edge of town. It had clearly been rundown for a long time, grass and weeds growing rampant in the front yard, but there was a stench of unholiness around the place that made my skin crawl.

It was dark outside, even though it was only five in the evening, another effect of whatever dark miasma was around the house perhaps? It did give me an opportunity to finally test out my new night vision, the final 'perk' that Rias had mentioned the day before. With it I could see that the shadowed door of the house was wide open. Seemingly the only sign in the entire place that something wasn't as it should be.

Rias was giving her regularly scheduled info-dump to Issei. She'd previously mentioned that stray devils were what a devil who had left his master was called, but now she was talking about how dangerous they were, something I was already very familiar with.

Ignoring her lecturing, I looked around at the other peerage members, gauging their reactions to the upcoming battle. Akeno was nearly bouncing in place, her excitement completely transparent. Perhaps she was a bit of a battle maniac? It would be an interesting secret side to the polite and demure 'great lady.' And yes that was a stupid title.

Kiba seemed like he was simply waiting, hands relaxed by his sides and the ever-present smile still on his face. He would have looked bored, but the lift in his brows and light in his eyes made it seem like he was genuinely happy to simply wait in place.

I experimentally reached over to his face and poked his cheek. It did move, but his smile didn't waver, only his eyes flicking over to me with a confused look. Experimentally, I poked it again. Multiple times. At high speed. His smile was beginning to become slightly strained and his hands were twitching. I'd just guessed that it would be another ten pokes before he broke when Rias called out from behind me, somehow not pausing her dialogue with Issei. "Stop harassing my knight, Kai-san," and I was forced to reluctantly withdraw my finger.

I turned to Koneko next, who was blandly chewing on a bag of candy, a blank stare gazing straight ahead. She didn't seem as happy as Kiba was to wait, just… content. "If you touch me with that I will break it," she said, monotone and interspersed with chewing sounds, not changing her expression one whit.

Looking down I realized that my finger had already begun to extend, reaching out towards her cheek. I looked back up at her face just as she bit down particularly hard on a piece of candy, a loud crunching sound ringing out. I winced, quickly yanking back my hand.

It sounded like Rias was wrapping up her talk with Issei, proclaiming that "…stray devils are the worst opponents of legitimate devils." So what happened to "Exorcists and holy light reduce you to nothingness?" And now that I think about it, isn't that an incredibly bad match up for us? The angels destroy us from existence, but we can't do the same to them? If we kill one of them, would they go to heaven since they're an angel? And is heaven an actual place? If it is, then wouldn't angels just always come right back and keep fighting?

I was pulled out of my downward spiral of thoughts by a harsh cruel laugh ringing out amidst the yard. "Ketaketaketaketa-" Wow, that was really annoying. "-ketaketaketa-" Kill me now, it would be better than enduring this. "-ketaketa-"

"I get it lady, now be quiet already! You're evil, we're properly intimidated, cut to the evil monologue already!" I blinked and realized that the rest of the peerage was staring at me with wide eyes. Except for Koneko who seemed to not care. I slowly pointed a finger at myself. "Did I just say that out loud?" They all nodded.

Well at least the cackling had stopped.

Rias cleared her throat and faced forward once more. "Stray devil Vaizor, we are here to eliminate you! Surrender or be slain."

I raised my hand and called out, "So if they do surrender, do we take 'em in? How does this work?"

Rias replied with a sigh, flickers of red energy beginning to erupt around her. "No, then it means they're an easier target."

Oh. Well I guess they were devils after all. Of course I was one too…

Then the ground began to shake slightly, reverberating with the sound of deep thuds and a faint clicking sound. Okay, whatever that was, it sounded creepy as Batman.

Don't ask.

Then a face slowly appeared from the unnatural shadow, a nice female face with all the proper female things like eyes and a mouth. That seemed normal enough, if it wasn't floating a good four meters above the ground. That meant that she could either fly, or was shaped like a telephone pole. For some reason I couldn't see the rest of her. Maybe the darkness was an ability of hers?

Then the stray devil began to speak. "So nice of you to all come to my lair like this. Please come in, have some tea."

"Said the spider to the fly," I muttered under my breath, glancing around to either find an escape route or any enemies trying to circle us. I wasn't precisely sure.

"Is that an offer of surrender?" Rias asked, clearly provoking the enemy. She seemed really eager for battle for some reason. Akeno, Kiba, and Koneko seemed to be willing to wait for whatever this was to finish, while Issei looked like he was either entranced by her beauty or frightened out of his wits.

A hand appeared on Vaizors cheek, cupping it with a worried expression. "Oh my no, can't we simply talk this out? I have some wonderful danish crumbles inside, and I could use some company."

Akeno looked to be getting a bit twitchy over there. Maybe she was worried that somebody else was a better host than she was? We were being rather rude, come to think of it. We basically came into someone's home and said that we're going to kill them.

Rias seemed to be losing patience and the strange flickers around her seemed to be growing stronger. "You are a rogue element in my territory, and need to be eliminated. Resistance or non-resistance will be met with lethal force."

"You know, I'm really not seeing a good reason to do this then," the floating face said, sounding concerned. "What if I just run, try to escape? If I make it into a more densely populated area you wouldn't be able to attack me, right? So what's keeping me from simply leaving?"

The flickering bursts around Rias stopped as her shoulders slumped. Were we actually going to give up, just like that? For the supposed "worst enemy of devils" that was it? Some talking and both parties leave alive? Then Rias turned to Issei and said, "Let me give you an example of how the various ranks in a peerage work." Then she turned back to the stray devil and said with a sigh, "If you fight us, I'll give you that one," poking her finger over her shoulder.

I carefully tracked where her finger was pointing, already having a pretty good idea. Indeed, it was aimed right at the center of my chest. "Hey!" I objected, suddenly very scared for my life. "Aren't you supposed to protect me as a king or something?"

"I literally own your life and you are useless to me." Was her only reply. Ouch.

Suddenly my earlier idea of looking for escape routes didn't seem like such an odd idea. The stray devil seemed to think for an moment, as if considering the deal. Come on, I thought you were a nice one! "Done," she decided.

Then she stepped forward and the nearly miraculous darkness around her suddenly dissipated, revealing a giant thorax with dozens of legs attached to it and an upper body that still looked human- I spun around and gazed stalwartly at the street, and away from the monster.

Silence seemed to hang in the air for a bit, before my master and Vaizor spoke nearly at the same time. "Did you just…" "Really, Kai-san…"

Neither one of them seemed to quite know how to react to that, and I was pretty sure I could hear an "Ara ara" and muffled chuckling from behind me. Issei was the one that was really vocal though. "Seriously? She's an enemy that's specifically targeting you! You have no excuse not to look! Are you a man or not!"

"I won't be one for long if I turn around!" I yelled back, a scissoring motion with two raised fingers making my point.

Rias must have just given up on me, since she started to issue orders to her subordinates. "That was clearly enemy action, so: Yuuto!"

"Yes!" from behind me I heard a sound of rushing wind, the sound of a sword slicing through air, and the stray devil's screams. My, what a wonderful road! Barely any potholes in it at all. Actually, where'd Kiba get the sword from? He was unarmed before, right?

I could hear Rias telling Issei about the knight's speed, before she called out "Koneko!" before continuing her narration. Several loud thuds rang out from behind me and I heard a sharp crack, accompanied by more screaming from Vaizor. And is this an actual dandelion in grass beneath my feet! My, it's almost rare to see one of those nowadays.

"Akeno!"

"Fufu, what shall I do to you?" followed by crackling sounds and more sharp screams. And through it all, I could hear the "Ohohohoho" of Akeno accompanied by the sharp smell of ozone.

Somehow in all the commotion, I made out a comment by Rias. "…and she's the ultimate sadist."

…What's someone like that doing on a battlefield! Have some common sense please! Regardless, what interesting pebbles here. I think I found one that's actually pink! I wonder if that's natural or…

Yeah who am I kidding. I've had enough. Spinning around on one heel I ran back into the battle, trying my best to ignore the quivering form of the stray devil still being electrocuted by Akeno, who was flying in the sky. Guess those devil wings were good for something after all.

I dashed past Rias and Issei who were still standing still at the edge of the battle zone, managing to get all the way to the downed stray devil. I hesitated for a moment at seeing the streams of lightning just in front of me that were electrocuting Vaizor, but I gathered my courage and stepped into the way of the stream of lightning.

Luckily for me, Akeno had seen my approach from above and was shocked enough to halt her barrage, so I wasn't hurt by my reckless action. But now I was where I wanted to be, standing between Vaizor and the rest of the devils, arms spread wide and feet set, a determined look in my eye.

At least I hoped so. Honestly I was terrified. Not only was I directly opposing my master, but I had seen, or at least heard, the damage that her pieces had dealt to Vaizor in less than a minute, only avoiding killing her because Rias probably wanted the privilege. And these were the people that I was currently denying their prey.

"Kai-san, what?…" Rias just looked confused, Issei along with her. Kiba seemed merely amused, while Koneko was placid as always. A flicker of my gaze upwards and I could make out the Akeno's pout and the hungry look in her eyes.

The shuddering breaths behind me and the scent of blood lingering in the air cemented my resolve though. I lifted my chin high and said. "Sorry Master, but it looks like I'm going stray."

Rias still looked confused, but her tone was just slightly condescending. "Kai-san, you remember that you were killed by a stray devil, right? Why are you protecting this one?"

"So if devils are dangerous, should I stand back and let you be tortured and killed too? You're devils after all, same as them." I shot back, heat in my tone.

I could tell that I was different after becoming a devil. Going out in the sun hurt a lot more, for one. I seemed more distant from my family and more loyal to my king as a second. And I had less empathy. I could see the effects in Issei, someone who had become a devil just shortly before me, who stood back and had listened to a lecture while watching someone be killed before his eyes.

But Kai Kado was not someone who would stand back and watch someone be tortured and killed in front of him, devil or human! And yet I felt a roiling in my stomach at the fact that I had almost done just that. I had turned away and almost hadn't helped her, simply because I was a devil and she was an enemy. And I hated that.

Rias' expression was stern now and even Kiba looked less amused, realizing that I was serious. "Step away from the stray devil, Kai-san. You are a member of my peerage and I don't want to declare you a stray, but I will if you don't obey."

"Why do you care," I replied anger starting to overtake my reason. "Didn't you say that I was worthless and that you owned my life? So why hesitate!" Yeah, maybe I had gone too far with teasing her, but if she was someone who saw people as pawns to do with as she chose, than maybe I would rather die than be a part of her peerage.

"That was a lie to get her to attack us!" Rias announced, clearly exasperated. "Of course I wouldn't sacrifice my cute pawn like that!"

And that was the straw that broke the camels back.

I breathed in deeply, trying to bite back my anger, and yelled out "Well this pawn is promoting itself to a king then! I don't care if I'm useless, I don't care if I'm annoying, and I don't care that I'm apparently your plaything! Don't toy with people's lives!"

The resulting shocked silence was broken by the hoarse chuckling from behind me and a wet cough. "Ah, so there's one after all. Too bad you're a cute one."

Then I felt an empty sensation that I had felt once before, just two nights ago. A painful, hollow feeling in my chest. My gaze slowly drifted down as the peerage arrayed in front of me gasped and I saw, as I'd expected, a blood red hand emerging from my chest. In it was clutched an equally red chess piece.

Oh, that's what she meant, I thought, slumping downwards onto Vaizors arm before beginning to slowly slide closer to the ground. I could hear faint yelling from somewhere, but it all seemed so distant and the rushing in my ears easily drowned it out. I could still hear Vaizors "I'm sorry" though, and could barely feel chilled lips on my cheek as my vision slowly slid closed.

Chapter 1 Omake

The red-haired girl tapped a finger on her chin. "Well, I suppose he did save my cute little servant…"

"Your cute little what?"

Rias was about to reach into her pocket for the one remaining pawn piece when her hand halted and she froze.

"What is it, Buchou?" Kiba asked, swiveling his head around to look for any enemies his master picked up on.

"Do you realize what this means?" Rias asked, slightly breathless. She was moving now, her head swiveling from the skyscraper-in-construction to the pile of pipes to the nude figure pinned by a fallen beam.

"Do you know what this means?" She asked again, tone growing more excited.

The rest of the peerage glanced from side to side, unsure of what their master was talking about.

Issei had lost patience though. "Can't you heal him or whatever first? You can deal with that later!"

Then Rias' grinning face was directly in front of his, forcing him to yelp and backpedal away from her beaming eyes. "We don't need to resurrect him," Rias announced, spreading her arms wide.

"Huh?"

"Buchou?"

"What!"

In the face of the reaction, Rias only grinned wider. "Can't you see! All we need to do is implant her organs," she motioned to the dead Zillamon, "into him! It'll save his life just fine!"

Akeno had finally caught on and was laughing loudly, severely concerning Issei, Kiba, and Koneko as to whether their king and queen were going crazy. Rias suddenly stopped laughing and motioned for Akeno to come with her as she stepped towards the impaled body. "Now come on Akeno, he's already lost a lot of blood."

That cut Akeno's laughter short. "Wait, you were serious?"

S~~~S~~~S~~~S~~~S~~~S

I cracked my left eye open, expecting to see whatever the pearly gates or obsidian arch looked like, instead finding myself gazing up at a white ceiling. As feeling returned to my body, I could hear the faint beeping of a heart monitor and feel a mask of some kind over my mouth.

Blinking, I opened the other eye too and began to look around the room. My body felt fine, but I seemed exhausted, barely able to move my head. I seemed to be in a hospital, but what kind of hospital could bring the dead back to life?

As my head slowly turned I caught sight of something else on a windowsill. And what kind of hospital had Straw Hat figurines in the rooms?

My attention refocused as the door opened and I slowly turned my head to face it. Inside the room came a girl dressed in a nurse outfit that looked remarkably like Rias Gremory, one of the most famous girls in our school. Was she part-timing as a nurse in her spare time?

The Probably-Gremory looked up from some kind of clipboard and brightened up dramatically. "Ah, you're awake! I wasn't sure you were going to wake up for another week! This is great!"

Then she leaned forward, clipboard held tightly to her chest and asked me with a serious look, "Now do you feel… hungry?"

I wasn't sure how to answer that even if I could, my tongue and mouth still not responding. I guessed from the feeling in my stomach that I was indeed hungry, and managed to give a awkward head nod in response.

The girl looked even happier at that and quickly straightened up. "Oh lovely! I'll bring in some food right away."

Before she left, she casually removed the breath air pump mask from my face, casually saying "You didn't need that anyway," as she did so.

Now I was worried. Something about the situation seemed extremely off, and was it just me, or did that nurse seem a bit too excited about feeding me?

It was only a few minutes later when she returned, bearing a bowl of delicious-smelling soup on a tray. She propped me up on the bed, passed me the tray and a spoon, and then settled down on a nearby chair, watching me intently.

That seemed very odd, but I was hungry. I still couldn't move my arms though, although my mouth did seem to be coming back. After a minute of me staring at the steaming soup and Gremory staring at me, I was able to work them well enough to croak out "Can't move… arms."

The nurse was on her feet in an instant, looking abashed. "Oh, I'm so sorry! I didn't realize that your body would still be recovering. Let me help you."

She rose the first spoonful to me mouth and gently lowered it in, waiting for me to swallow before removing the spoon.

"Now, Mr. Kai, tell me," she enthused, "How did it taste?"

Well it might not have been the best soup that I'd ever had, but any food tasted good to a hungry stomach, so I said "Delicious."

Apparently that was the wrong answer. Her face immediately sank into a frown and she stole the soup away, taking a taste from the same spoon, a disappointed look on her face as whatever she had expected to happen didn't.

"You sure?" She asked me, almost pleading? "You sure it doesn't taste awful or something and you're just trying to spare my feelings?"

All I could do was nod, thoroughly confused. The nurse seemed to almost snap after that, murmuring to herself and beginning to pace the room. I was honestly starting to grow worried and was subtly trying to move my hands and legs in preparation for an escape. Wherever this was, it wasn't the hospital.

Eventually she snapped her fingers, having come to a decision. "Well, there's only one way to find out for sure." She left the room in a hurry and I accelerated my attempts to move, eager to get away from the crazy woman as fast as possible.

Then some strange thumping noises emerged from through the still-open door. I froze until I heard a crashing sound and quickly returned to my efforts with increased vigor. Then finally there was a sharp scream from outside that was quickly silenced.

Within seconds the same smiling red-haired nurse came back into the room, holding a small dish within which I could see a few drops of a red liquid that I had a horrifying suspicion of what it could be.

Gremory's face turned almsot deranged as she approached, smile stretching from ear to ear. "Now eat up~"

Panicking I managed to throw my hands forward in an effort to keep my mad schoolmate at bay. It succeeded in knocking her back a few steps, but afterwards I was frozen, staring at my outstretched arms.

The sudden motion and caused the blanket to fall off of the appendages and I could finally see them clearly. The left arm was the arm I was used to seeing, slightly pale and just a tad thin, but with slight muscle tone visible. The only change were the long scars that seemed to wriggle around my arm, intertwining and connecting in a grisly patchwork of sowing marks that made it look like a giant centipede.

The right arm was a good three inches longer than my left one and was completely different. It had no scars on it, but was instead a pale pink and felt soft, far softer than it should have. The fingernails on the fingers were long and painted black. As my gaze drifted farther up the foreign appendage, it halted on another scar that seemed oddly uniform on my right shoulder, showing a clear separation between my natural flesh and the nearly alien but clearly female arm.

The nurse had halted her approach, simply watching as my face went from confused to horrified to simply scared.

Uncaring of her watching, I grabbed the green hospital uniform I was clad in and stretched it out in front of me, looking down the front to what was another too-clean scar and a decidedly female chest. The last check, my more familiar left hand dove down into the blankets and finding it's destination, felt only nothingness where it used to be.

My scream echoed for a good ten minutes around the entirety of Kuoh.

"I'm not the protagonist of a novel or anything… I'm a high school student who likes to read, like you could find anywhere. But… if, for argument's sake, you were to write a story with me in the lead role, it would certainly be… a tragedy." -Tokyo Ghoul Ch. 1 (slightly modified.)

End AN: Tada! First things first, about the omake since it's hopefully fresh in your minds. I started reading Tokyo Ghoul recently, and managed to make it to chapter 90 of :re in about a week. Until last week I had no idea that my idea for the stray devil's death so closely mimicked the one in that series and there was absolutely no plagiarism involved. So I wrote up a quick omake as a sort of apology to anyone who has read the series and recognized the method of death. To anyone who has not read the series, hopefully it was still minorly enjoyable and I would only recommend the series if gore doesn't bother you at all.

Second thing. Yeah, that's a cliffhanger. Originally this and chapter 4 were going to be one chapter, but it turns out that would be over 10k words. So when I checked and found that if I cut it right at the cliffhanger it would be in the 5k range. (minus omake and ANs) How could I pass up a chance like that? I have absolutely no problem with long chapters and get so excited when an awesome story has 15k-20k chapters. But I did intend for this to be something that people could read without having to set aside time to do it in, so I don't know that my chapters will ever be that long. We'll see though.

Thirdly! No, this is not Rias-bashing. I do have some problems with how she seems to almost portion out information only as it's needed, never really sitting down and just talking about "By the way basically everybody in the supernatural world hates your guts," but I don't hate her as a character and she definitely has some good points. She has a reason in my fic why she is acting like that to Kado, and it will be explained next chapter. So please be patient until you receive that, and then send me any thoughts that you have on the subject.

And about how different Vaizor is? (Four, in case you hadn't guessed) I mentioned in the start AN that this is going AU, and this is where it really began. When I'm writing a scene for this fic, I look up the scene in the translated novels so I know what's happening, and then write the scene as well as I can without checking back on it. Basically, their conversations will probably be on the same topics if it's a canon scene, but won't be the same, phrased differently at least. The line about stray devils being a devils worst enemy? Yeah, that's basically what she says in the actual novel though. Confused me too, when I read it.

Fifth and I believe last, yes, Kado was pretty stupid there. Hopefully I wrote it in a way that you can at least see why he did it, but he is a quote unquote hero after all. He's not the protagonist, he's the side character/pseudo-antagonist that is so affixed on being a hero or justice that they can't see what's right in front of them. Hopefully by me writing this you'll look back to chapter one and realize that facing off against somebody with probably magical powers so that your classmate who you only know as a terrible person can survive is a really bad idea. But that's what Kado did. I've always had a love for characters who jump into danger to save other people and manage to do it against all odds, that's no secret. But I ended up wanting to write Kado as a character who jumps in to save others from danger and does suffer from it. He does stupid things and is powerless. But he's going to keep jumping in and getting himself hurt. Maybe it'll all work out in the end and maybe it won't, I'm still writing it. But being a hero isn't always a good thing.

And nope there was one more, sixth! His family is something that I struggled a lot writing this, and many of their quirks I'm still figuring out as I go. But I do at least try to have reasons why they act the way that they do, from the typical-identical-twins to his loving-but-distant father and even the so-far-silent mother. If you guys have thoughts on how I can improve them or make them more realistic somehow, please let me know, since I'm still not sure how good of a job I did on them.

And finally, for all of you who actually read through that giant slog of justification, here's a small teaser for next chapter. Get excited for Wingman!Issei.