The Uninvited Guest

I wouldn't say I was expecting an invitation, but I'm not surprised she didn't invite me. Seeing the invitation, because I have seen it, certainly makes it final, makes it official. She's not mine, hasn't been for some time now, and that is still hard to swallow. You would think the finalized divorce papers would have done it, would have really made it "final," but they didn't, not for me. Sure, they legally said we weren't together, but even then, I still wondered if I had a chance. I still hoped that after three decades together she might see I could change for her. It didn't seem final to me, but today, I see it; it's final. All of it has been hard to swallow, seeing Flynn with her these last few years, listening to the kids talk about their happy little family-it's just almost too much. She was my wife, but she's not anymore. She's marrying him, and for the first time in a long time, it's hitting me just how much I've lost.

I've changed a lot over the years, and most of that, well, I'm not proud of my behavior. I know I messed up for a long time, and even today, I can't promise I won't continue to screw up my life, but I'm trying. Finally, I'm getting my life back on track, but not before I trashed our marriage as well as the lives of Sharon and the kids.

I suppose it really hit me when back in October I was talking to Emily. We were using that video chat feature, and she mentioned wanting to see me when she was in LA in November. She didn't go into detail, but I knew. I just knew the wedding was coming up, so I asked her about it.

"Em, November? You're coming to town?" I asked, watching her expression.

"Yeah, Dad. You know," she gestured and sighed. I watched her look away briefly before she looked back at the screen. I could see it in her eyes.

"Your mom's wedding is in November, isn't it?" I asked.

"Yeah, Dad," she said again. "You knew she was getting married. Ricky and I just haven't mentioned it with you much."

"I know," I sighed and ran my hand over my face. "I suppose I haven't wanted to ask, and with you not bringing it up, it just seemed like it wasn't happening. I thought it might be after the holidays with your schedule."

"No, it was better for me now. I don't have a lead in the holiday show because I have a lead role in the production we are rolling into after the holidays. This is a good time for me. Mom loves the holidays too; you know that. The church and all, this is the time of year she likes."

"Right," I said. "So, tell me about the wedding. I can't believe it," I blew out my breath.

"Dad, let's not talk about it. It's just upsetting. You've been working hard to get your life on track. You know she's getting married. Isn't that enough?"

"When is the wedding at least?" I asked, somewhat wanting to know and somewhat not.

"November 28," she told me. "It's at the church. Ricky and I are really proud of you for singing all that paperwork allowing her to get married at the church. She's really happy, Dad."

I silently nodded and looked down, trying to clear my throat. She'd always talked about how much she loved the holidays. It wasn't surprising to me she now wanted a holiday wedding. It hurt to hear; Emily was right about that.

"Well, I'm guessing I didn't make the guest list cut," I chuckled, trying to play off my emotions. I caught Emily's eye, and even on a video chat, I could see it pained her to discuss this. It was upsetting for me too.

"Dad," she sighed.

"Can I see the invitation? I'm sure you have one. I promise I just want to see it. Your mother hated the way ours turned out. There was a mix-up with the typeset, and she never liked it. She said it was too ornate for her taste. I just want to see if she got what she wanted this time too. She deserves that."

Emily looked at me, silent for another moment, and then I saw her reach across her coffee table. She pulled back and held the invitation in her hand, "It's a beautiful invitation," she gave me a small smile. "I think Mom got what she wanted with it." She turned it so I could read it. The words stung. I saw part of me-Raydor-on that invitation, and I didn't like it paired with Flynn. It didn't see right. Nothing about this seemed right. After three decades, I should still be married to my wife, but I wasn't. Things went south a long time ago, mostly from my doing. I read it, and then I just nodded at Emily. Looking back, that had to be one of the most depressing video chats we've ever had. Coming from an alcoholic who has hit rock bottom a few times now, that's saying a lot.

Over the next few weeks, I couldn't stop thinking about Sharon, which is ironic considering when we were married, I barely gave her a thought. I lived my life in Vegas, knowing she was home with our kids, working and being both mother and father. I barely thought about her then, but since the divorce, I can't seem to get her off my mind. That feeling only got worse after I saw the wedding invitation. Shortly after I had that conversation with Emily, I was at the mall picking up a few new shirts for work. To be honest, I haven't taken care of myself in a long time, but I'm trying now. I'm trying to look and act the part of a middle aged lawyer. One aspect of that is my wardrobe. It's needed some updates over the years, and I've neglected it. I've spent too long living out of my suitcase, folding my ties, and living off couches. I know that, and it's getting better. With each paycheck, I'm trying to set aside a small amount to work on the areas of my life I've neglected, and my wardrobe is one. Even my weight has changed so things don't fit correctly. It's all part of looking and acting the part here, dressing for my profession. Back to the mall, I was in the department store to shop for a couple new shirts when I walked by the houseware section. Now, that is one section I rarely bat an eye, but as I walked, a crystal vase caught my eye. I don't know what it was that day, but I stopped and turned around to look at it. Instantly, I knew Sharon had to have it. I had to make amends, and the crystal vase could attempt to do that. Seeing that vase took me back almost 30 years to the small home Sharon and I bought when I finished law school. We'd been happy there. I ruined that. I ruined a lot of things, including the crystal vase. After Emily was born, I started drinking more and more, and by the time Ricky was born, I was drunk most evenings. I was doing a lot of other things too, including cheating on Sharon. The drinking got out of hand first, and that seemed to spiral into other behavior. There was one night I came stumbling home, and even today, I can't remember how I got home. I know I didn't drive, but I have no idea who brought me home. I stumped in the front door, to find the house quiet and dark. It had to have been well after midnight because back then, I never came home before midnight. Sharon had long gone to bed and the kids were fast asleep as well. I briefly remember stumbling around in the dark, which was a pretty normal occurrence back then, but what makes this memory stick out is the fact I stumbled into Sharon's favorite crystal vase. Her grandmother had given it to her, to us, as a wedding gift. That's what made it special because her grandmother had passed away two months after our wedding. It was the last thing from her grandmother, so it wasn't that she was being materialistic with it, but it was sentimental. Sharon loved keeping fresh flowers in that vase, mainly because I think she felt some connection to her grandmother if she was constantly using it. That night, I shattered the vase, which I suppose is symbolic of what I did to our marriage, our lives. I shattered everything.

I think Sharon would have been more understanding had it been an accident or had the kids knocked it over in there movements. It was kept out of the way, but that's how drunk I was. And, yes, technically, it was an accident, but I was drunk. That was no accident. The shattered glass was enough to bring Sharon into the living room from her deep sleep in our bedroom. She was devastated, and I remember rolling my eyes, telling her she was being dramatic. Back then, I'm not sure I understood the significance of the vase or the symbolism it held, but I've thought about it a lot over the years. I get it now. Back then, I remember telling her she was stuck on it because it was one of the most expensive things we owned. Now, I know that had nothing to do with it. I'd just crushed the last memory of her grandmother, much as I've done to our family over the years. I've crushed us. I know that now.

So, as I stood in the department store, staring at this vase, I knew I had to send it to Sharon. It would never make up for the broken vase. That was long overdue, but something deep inside told me to buy that for her. I had to try to make amends. She deserved that much at least. I didn't buy it so she'd have some memory of me, but I bought it as maybe the last attempt at an "I'm sorry" type of apology. It wasn't going to make up for years of neglect, years of destroying anything she loved, but it was something.

I bought it. I bought her the vase and put a simple note in it, "Make sure he fills it with flowers." That's all I wrote. She always filled it with flowers at our house, mostly with ones from her garden. Looking back, I never brought her flowers for that vase. I should have done that. I never did. I was too wrapped up in myself to do it. Now, it's not that I like Flynn. Actually, I still can't stand him, but she loves him. As much as it pains me to say it, that's the truth. I know that. She once loved me, long ago, but that ended with our marriage, even before our marriage ended. I hope she uses the vase, and I don't say that because I want her to think of me. Actually, I besides the note, I didn't sign the card. I didn't send it to the house, and I didn't ask the kids to give it to her. I dropped it off today with her desk staff at the condo. I know they are at the church, so it will be there waiting for her when she and Flynn return.

Sharon and Flynn. I almost can't swallow it, but I will, for her. She deserves to be happy. I just thought I was the guy who made her happy. I had made her happy, decades ago, but many things changed that. I want her happy; I want the kids happy. I'm working on my life now, even if it's too late to repair many of my relationships. This vase is my start with Sharon. I don't expect it to erase things. It won't. I don't expect a thank you from Sharon. That's not my goal. My goal is to just be a decent human being because I haven't been for a very long time.