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Monday, October 23, 2009

He'd buried himself in paperwork the entire weekend but it hadn't helped him chase her away because he couldn't even concentrate. Damon was miserable. He couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't focus. He was tired and he felt physically hurt, his body aching with every move. His brain seemed to project her face whenever and he couldn't shut her out. His dreams had consisted of her in the skinny jeans she'd worn at the office. They'd hugged her curves perfectly and in all the right places. The infatuation he felt for her was purely physical.

He had to get his shit together. His father had noticed the distant look on his face during family dinner last night and he'd blamed it on the lack of sleep, but in fact… He'd been thinking about her, on her knees, in front of him.

'Damn it.' Damon shook his head. 'Don't go there.'

He poured himself a cup of black coffee and leaned back against the counter. He would undoubtedly need an extra large dose of coffee in order to get through the day. He couldn't comprehend or get over what had happened between them. He'd approached her and she'd pushed him away. Fine, he couldn't exactly blame her but he hadn't expected her to be so cold either. She'd confessed that she'd been in love with him since her fifteenth birthday.

She'd baffled him. She'd made him stumble. She'd been so headstrong as she'd demanded him to get out of her way. He'd wanted to grab her and kiss her but her eyes had warned him and he'd let her go. He'd wanted to follow her but his feet had been frozen to the ground. Parting from her had been emotionally painful - like a shot through the heart, causing him to bleed to death.

He'd tried to figure out what he felt but it was difficult. He definitely felt lust and arousal but what else? She'd been in love with him for years and he felt a bit ashamed that he couldn't reciprocate her feelings. Ashamed that he couldn't give her what she'd wanted for so long.

He cared for her, he really did but… He wasn't in love with her, yet he wanted her naked and ready in his bed. It made no sense. He couldn't offer her anything - except from sex, which wasn't really a sane option either. She'd been an unimportant part of his life for so many years and one hot makeout session had changed everything. He couldn't think about her without feeling desire and his heart skipping a beat. He couldn't explain any of it and it bothered him - badly.

She'd acted so mature and grown at the office. She'd pushed him away. She'd made sure that he knew just how little she trusted him and the things going through his own mind.

Damon emptied his cup and hissed as the warm liquid burned the back of his throat. He would have to talk to her. He couldn't possibly continue like this. He wanted to share his thoughts with her but didn't know how to explain it all without hurting her. He wanted to talk to her, face to face not matter how embarrassing the thought of it was. Damon was a good lawyer, he knew how to put things into perspective.

He decided that he would call her before going to work. They needed to talk and bury all of it so that he could continue to go on about his life the way he was used to.

"You look like hell." The blonde eyed her friend as they met outside the school.

Elena rolled her eyes and pulled a hand through her hair. She felt rather exhausted and shrugged as casually as possible. She hadn't mentioned Damon, though Caroline had tried to snoop for dirty details. Elena didn't want to share any of it with her friend. It was personal - way too personal.

Thursday night she'd cried herself to sleep - unable to hold back the emotions and the related tears. Such a big part of her had just wanted to throw herself into his arms but he'd somehow felt so far away. She was in love with him and he pitied her because he couldn't replicate those feelings. She wouldn't let herself become a charity case that he could fix. He hadn't stopped her nor had she wanted him too. Another part of her - a darker part - had wanted him to try and stop her just so that she could get the chance to say no.

Friday morning had been okay and the rest of the weekend had been packed with extra homework and various yoga workouts. Doing yoga usually helped to clear her mind but at Sunday afternoon she'd realized that she'd felt quite fine - considering the circumstances.

Damon had crossed her mind more than once and she'd felt her heart ache for a moment or two but that was it. She'd felt pretty content. She'd accepted the fact that there couldn't be anything between them. She still wanted him, was still in love with him but why pine after someone who would probably never see her as a human being? It was a lot easier to let go knowing that what he felt towards her only had to do with sex and arousal.

It had been difficult to just walk away that day but she'd felt strong and okay with her choice. He'd seemed baffled and she'd felt sad at that moment but as of now - she felt… lighter and not as desperate for his attention. And yes, she'd felt quite powerful while walking away. She'd forced herself not to turn around and beg him to ravish her - it had been very difficult - but it had been worth it.

She'd had a lot of time to think during the weekend and she'd come to a conclusion. Elena knew that he wasn't interested, he'd made that perfectly clear as she obviously wasn't his type. She'd also thought about what a future with Damon could've looked like. The eleven year age gap didn't bother her but she could possibly imagine them wanting different things in life due to the gap between them. He had more experience, he'd traveled, he had different references and cultural frames. Their life experiences could be described as vastly different.

Different wasn't always bad but they'd likely have priorities that didn't match one another's. Would she even fit in with other areas of his life if they had a relationship? Would his same-age friends judge him for dating a 'kid?' She'd decided to accept that yes, she was in love with him and a part of her probably always would be but… The best for her would be to let go. Just the mere thought of it hurt but chasing a man that didn't want her the same way felt slightly humiliating and Elena had more character than that.

"Thank you." She smiled and continued to walk across the parking lot with Caroline in tow. "You look lovely as well."

"I'm just saying that maybe you should go on a date."

Elena turned to look at her friend, she crossed her arms in protest, raised an eyebrow and shook her head. Caroline had set her up before and even though she'd meant well most of those dates had ended with Elena leaving before it was over.

"I don't want to date. I'm focusing on school."

"Boring." Caroline whined. "You need some sausage."

"Sausage?"

They looked at each other before bursting out with lighthearted laughter. How was it possible for her father to actually dislike Caroline? The blonde made her laugh and Elena valued their friendship. Elena didn't tell her everything but she'd always been there for her. Caroline was loyal and a kindred spirit. Elena could be herself around her and it was a blessing to say the least. She had a light sense of humor, knew how to make others smile and Elena loved that about her. She had a tendency to fall for gossip but that was just who she was and Elena wouldn't want her friend in any other way. If only her father could see the loving side of the blonde as well.

Just as they were about to enter the school her phone buzzed in her pocket. She motioned for Caroline to go ahead and the blonde sent her a crooked smile as she started walking and left her friend behind. They didn't have any classes together on Mondays and would probably not get the chance to talk until tomorrow morning. Caroline turned and walked backwards, she blew her friend a kiss and Elena smiled at her.

She managed to fish the phone out of her back pocket and realized that it was an unknown number. She frowned, waited a couple of second before deciding to answer and stumbled once the voice reached her ear. She leaned against the wall, supporting her jelly legs.

"I know it's weird that I'm calling you like this but I was wondering if you have any lunch plans today?"

"Lunch plans? Why?" She tried her best to sound casual and indifferent.

"We need to talk about what happened, Elena."

Nope, that was the last thing she wanted to do. She'd finally decided to put it all behind her and forget about it and now this? If this was a joke to tease her and stir up emotions… She bit her lower lip. No, she wouldn't meet up with him. No way.

"Please." She paused, trying to steady her voice. "Please, just forget it ever happened. Okay?"

"Fuck." He breathed. "I can't just forget it."

What the hell did he want from her? He'd made it perfectly clear that he didn't have any feelings for her - except from lust and arousal. It was flattering and caused her heart to beat rapidly in her chest, her body reacting to the thought of him naked above her but… She wanted more than that. She refused to be a single, insignificant fuck in order for him to satisfy his needs. Because that was what he wanted, was it not? Did he think that he could use her just because she was in love with him? She respected herself more than that - it was something that she'd realized when her father had said he'd felt ashamed of her. She never wanted to feel like that again.

"What do you mean?"

" I have to see you. I need to see you. You may not have anything to say, but I do."

'No. Don't give in. Be strong. Elena. Do not give in.' She tried to will her racing heart to calm down but to no avail.

She gave up and promised to meet up with him at a restaurant downtown.

He met her outside the restaurant, with his hands in his pockets, dressed up in a dark suit with a matching tie. His hair wasn't as tousled and messy as usual but it didn't matter. She'd informed herself that she wouldn't stare or ogle him with an open mouth, yet she couldn't stop herself. He was gorgeous and for a moment, she felt how her decision to act like a grown up started to dissolve itself in protest.

"Hi." He greeted her.

"Hi."

"You look nice."

She looked at her feet and became nervous and nauseous within seconds. However, his simple touch helped and soothed her a little as he placed a hand at her lower back and escorted her through the glass doors and steered her to a remote booth at the end of the room.

It was a nice restaurant. Very nice. Too nice. She felt quite plain in her black tights, white dress, leather jacket and worn out Converse. Many of the other guests wore exclusive clothes and she felt undeniably misplaced.

The interior was beautiful and even though the dark colors of the furniture didn't match the rest of the tapestry - the space felt very modern and raw. The music playing in the background helped ease her nervousness a little and she took a seat. The couch cushion on her side of the booth was soft and made of black leather, giving it a very rustic and somewhat sexy look. A waist high wall of frosted glass isolated them from the rest of the people and for that, she was thankful. Who knew what kind of spectacle she would managed to create?

He caught her eye and a smile tugged at the corner of his lips and that's when she saw it. Sympathy? Pity? Her walls collapsed and then, all of a sudden it felt too private. He'd planned to do this as nice as possible and for a moment she thought about running. Like seriously; just grab her stuff and get out of there without looking back. The strength she'd decided to use for this meeting seemed to fade out into nothing.

It didn't help that she was suffering from current PMS but - hell, her emotions played with her, yelled at her to open the door to whatever it was that he was about to offer her.

He sat down opposite her and she felt thankful for the distance between them. She felt tense and shifted in her seat. Her emotions messed up her judgement and she took a deep breath, hoping it would help. Her equilibrium seemed to run and hide at the thought of him. She didn't know where to look. It was difficult to even peek at him without starting to drool. She prayed that she would be able to keep it together.

"How's school?"

She raised an eyebrow and he wanted to facepalm himself, bang his head against the wall behind him and curse at the stupidity. What a wonderful opening to an already tense meeting. They were both aware of the age difference but it wasn't like he had to mention it every now and then. He sent her an apologetic look.

"Stressful." She answered, fumbling with her hands.

He nodded, understanding her. Was she as nervous as he was? He'd been slightly irritated at work, he'd forgotten things and he'd been daydreaming about the upcoming lunch with her. He'd even counted the hours and he rarely felt nervous and yet, the girl - ahem, the young woman - sitting across from him, managed to bring out emotions he wasn't exactly accustomed to. It was nerve wracking so therefore - nervous. A double whiskey would have soothed him but no.

The fact that she looked gorgeous and self confident didn't help in stopping his naughty and very inappropriate thoughts from running wild. She was absolutely beautiful in her white dress, so casual yet breathtaking. Meeting her at the restaurant had seemed like such a good idea but he regretted it as she bit her lower lip, her eyes carefully searching his. His heart leapt in his chest and he panted, unable to hold back as the simple lip biting of hers got his body to respond with so much ferocity that he almost felt is as if he'd been knocked out cold.

"I've been a douche." He said. "I've made a bunch of stupid mistakes."

She flinched at his words and her face changed, the color on her cheeks fading into white, her eyes glassy with unshed tears.
Damon quickly realized what he'd just said and tried to fix it as quickly as possible.

"No, no." He hurried. "Not the kiss. That was, it was… it was amazing."

He could feel himself smile as she blushed crimson and he couldn't help but to think she looked adorable as she squirmed in her seat. Her innocence was striking and his heart constricted in his chest. She nodded quietly, motioning for him to continue.

"It was a great kiss and believe me when I say that the guy who gets you, will be one lucky man." He meant every damn word, she had to feel the sincerity. "You're amazing. I meant that I've been acting stupid, hence making mistakes. "

He made her nervous and slightly embarrassed as the color of her cheeks slowly returned and she crossed her legs. She seemed lost in thought for a minute and then - as if on cue - they looked at each other.

"But?" She whispered. "There's a but."

"But, I can't happen again. I could probably count the number of reasons as to why it can never happen again." He said and hoped that she wouldn't start crying - cause that would have him wavering for sure.

He'd made a decision regarding how to handle the situation and he couldn't back out now. He had to stick to the plan no matter what. As a lawyer, he was familiar with the law and as she was 18, she was considered a legal adult and could freely choose who to date if she wanted to. But, the eleven year age gap scared him, it would be a big deal - it was a big deal.

They would always be at different stages in their lives. It could possibly work short term but Elena wanted nothing temporary and he could understand that, as she was quite extraordinary herself. He'd forced himself to think about the future. Would she go to fraternity parties while he worked late on his newest case? It wasn't like he could join her - he would be the oldest guy there. He'd never thought much about marriage and children before but the current situation had forced him to think about it whether he wanted to or not. The sound of her voice brought him back to reality.

"It's okay, Damon. I'm not stupid. I get it." She tried to sound confident. "I'm too young, immature and… I'm not your type."

"Elena, that's…" He trailed off.

'Yes, yes you are. I'm so attracted to you. I can't explain it. It's driving me insane.' He wanted to say those things, wanted to assure her that she was gorgeous, beautiful, hot, sexy and seductive but he couldn't.

Damon could see her lower lip starting to shiver as she tried to find enough strength to look at him. He could see her eyes filling with tears and he grimaced. 'Ah, no. Please, no tears.' Anger? Yes, he could handle that - to be honest, he prefered it. Tears? Not so much.

"Elena." He begged, wanting to reach out for her hands but she held them in her lap.

She nodded at him, trying to convince him that everything was fine, but as the first tear rolled down her cheek his heart felt as if it had been pierced by a sword, splitting it into two. It felt as if a part of him died - shit, it was hard to breathe. He loosened his tie. He looked over his shoulder and motioned for the approaching waiter to leave them alone. Their booth was private and he'd chosen the restaurant due to the distance between other dinner guests as he'd wanted to talk without being interrupted by others.

He cursed under his breath and got up from his seat and slid in next to her. He gathered her in his arms without hesitation and held her close to his chest. She pressed her face into the crock of his neck, stained his skin with salty droplets of tears. He rubbed his hands up and down her back, inhaled her scent as she formed her frame after his.

If she hadn't been crying, he probably would've turned to stone in his pants but the action wasn't one of lust. The situation wasn't arousing in any way - it was comforting, safety. She cried and he held her, did his best to comfort. It was affectionately and something that he'd never experienced before. She made him feel things he had never experienced before and he didn't always know how to handle it. It scared the shit out of him.

He soothed her as one of her hands came to rest on his hip under the black jacket, the other resting on his chest, seeking comfort. Damon could feel the intensity of just holding her in his arms. He'd tried to think of her as a little sister but the affection that exploded inside him was nothing a brother should feel for a sister. He sighed with a twinge of pleasure as she nuzzled the delicate skin where neck and shoulder met. He kissed her cheek in an attempt to comfort and she froze in his arms. 'Shit.' It had felt so natural but she'd reacted as if he'd burned her skin with his affectionate movement.

He couldn't form words so he froze as well and realized the stupidity of his earlier action. 'Stop it. You've already decided not to take this any further. Stick with your original plan. Mixed signals sucks.'

She slowly pulled away and tilted her head in order to look up at him. Her brown orbs radiated warmth and a couple of emotions he couldn't name. He carefully caressed her face with one hand and used a thumb to stroke her cheek, drying a couple of her tears that had finally started to subside.

"I'm fine." She assured quietly.

"I'm not." He admitted as an imminent fear that she would pull away at any second, caused him to tighten his grip around her waist. Her eyes drew him unconsciously or consciously closer. "I'm not okay, Elena."

"Damon." She mumbled and another tear rolled down her face.

How was it possible for her to just say his name like that and make him feel as if he was about to break unless he kissed her?

He shouldn't but for a second, he didn't care.

"I have to kiss you goodbye. Just once." He gulped, nervous and scared that she would say no, as he probably deserved it. "If you want me to."

He could see her as she closed her eyes and tried to hold back her tears. Her breath grazed his lips and he leaned closer to her. He caught her lips with a soft movement, chaste, graceful and painfully slow.

She couldn't help herself and parted her lips, inviting him to deepen the kiss if he wanted to. He caught her with surprise as he parted his own lips, allowing her to meet him as she accepted his invitation. She felt her heart beat furiously while he slid his tongue along her lower lip, nibbling at the her. A sigh escaped her and their tongues found each other, mixing and struggling to explore with a pace that both of them found pleasurable.

And even though she felt as if he held the key to the air that she breathed - it wasn't rushed. Nothing about it felt stressed or wrong - just, right and so, so light. Their hands rested on the other's body and a sense of calm satisfaction warmed her heart.

It was tender and not as passionately brutal and rough as it had been in his apartment. This kiss was different. It was respectful, exploratory, loving and soft but it still managed to get her all riled up. Her heart raced with a furious pace in her chest.

He slowly withdrew to inhale and rubbed his nose against hers, simple yet so full of affection and emotion.

"It can never work." He mumbled, leaning his forehead against hers.

"I know." She sighed with dejection as his mouth found hers once again and left butterfly kisses all over it.

"You have to let me go."

"You first." She breathed and fisted his shirt in her hand as if trying to prove that parting would hurt them both something fierce. "You have to do it, because I can't."

He kissed her one last time and pulled away. She seemed calm but you could still tell that she'd been crying. His stomach ached as she used the napkin to dry the remnants of tears and running mascara. He stroked her cheek and she forced a smile as she gulped.

They'd skipped lunch as both of them had lost their appetite. He'd brought her to a nice little deli a couple of blocks away, where they sold salads, paninis and smoothies. She had ordered a smoothie with blueberry, pomegranate and banana. He'd ordered the same and she'd resisted when he'd paid. He'd sent a stern look her way and she'd nodded thanks.

They'd chosen to stroll through the park, sipping on their smoothies as the silence between them had been awkward - it would have been a lot easier to just kiss her again but he forced himself not to think about it. Something slowly seemed to shift between them and they managed to talk about everything and nothing in between. It was as if the kiss had been an icebreaker as it had helped them relax. They'd both needed it. He'd felt a lot lighter as they'd walked side by side. The restaurant had been a bad choice but to breathe in the fresh air while walking had soothed them.

He had been attentive and curious as she'd rambled on and on about all sorts of things. She was smart and funny. He gradually started to relax more and more and found himself actually enjoying her company. She was a delight to the eye and so carefree, warm and… She was Elena - this, this was the Elena that he'd never cared about knowing as anything else than an acquaintance to his parents.

He was hit with the feeling of things ending too soon for his liking as they reached his car. He checked his watch and inhaled deeply.

"I have to get back to the office. Do you want a ride?"

'Please, say yes.' He thought just a second before she turned him down. Apparently, she needed fresh air and some time alone to sort through her thoughts before meeting up with her friends. He understood the feeling - he felt it too, but that didn't necessarily mean that he wanted to part from her. He nodded at her, trying to reel in the feelings of some sort of weird separation anxiety that brewed inside him. He wanted to touch her and opted to give her a hug but she backed away and stopped just out of his reach.

"What did I do wrong?" He asked, rather puzzled at her avoiding behavior.

They'd talked openly while strolling through the park. They'd talked about her feelings and they'd been very open about it all. He'd made sure she knew that it wasn't her fault. He'd made sure to tell her that she was beautiful and attractive but that nothing could happen between them. He'd been a little surprised at the way she'd accepted it all so easily. He'd almost expected some sort of demonstration as to why they could be together, but no. He should've been happy that she'd accepted everything but there was something about it that bothered him.

"I can't hug you right now." She dismissed him with a raised hand and he frowned. "I'm on a Damon-detox and it doesn't work effectively if you touch me."

She didn't mean to hurt him with those words but it was the truth being spoken. She could feel the electricity between them, it buzzed in the air and if he so much as laid a hand on her shoulder; lightning would surely struck and she wasn't prepared for that to happen. She would have to guard her own space if staying away from him wasn't doomed to fail completely. It hurt that he wanted to touch her but she wouldn't let him - fear could be overpowering sometimes.

"Yeah, sorry." He excused and put his hands in his pockets, hoping that it would stop his hands from reaching out to touch her. "My bad."

He looked so handsome and elegant in his business suit, yet there was something relaxing about him and it calmed her. He seemed okay with everything and she felt quite okay as well. It had been so down to earth - a weight had been lifted from her shoulders and things didn't feel as awkward anymore.

"Maybe," She paused. "We could be friends. Someday."

"I'd like that very much." He meant it with every fiber of his being. "I'll even help you with your homework if you ask nicely."

What? She frowned at him and he raised an eyebrow, smirking lightly. Oh, he was making a joke. Elena couldn't help but to smile at him, showing off her white teeth. She shook her head at him and he shrugged casually. His joke had made them both laugh and the atmosphere changed to a less buzzing and much more lighter one. It was nice, easy and close to what she'd always imagined it being between them - natural.

"I'll remember that." She teased and turned around to walk away, wanting to leave him on a good note.

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