3

"So … what was wrong with this one then?" Tosh asked as she watched Ianto coo and cluck while he settled Walter on the sofa for a little sleep.

"Oh gods, date from hell!" Ianto sighed as he looked over at her with a roll of his eyes "I'm telling ya … so vain. Kept going to the loo and coming back with different hair styles, I shit you not little one, it was scary. A reflection in the pepper and salt shakers sent her into some sort of lovefest, I swear. She almost creamed herself when she saw herself in the glass windows as we rose to leave."

"Bum"

"Yeah, that wasn't much either" Ianto frowned then sighed, "I could never be with someone who checked out their own reflection in fucking windows. I almost put a towel in the seat before she got into the car for fear of her marking the leather. Must have been like a snail trail, I'm still too scared to look. I can't stand openly randy people."

.

.

.

Ianto was early, as always and had almost given up when she entered the restaurant. Now he saw why she had wanted to meet him there, the man dropping her off getting a quick kiss before she hoped out and yelled to him about a 'night with the girls' then waving him off.

He then watched her struggle with her rings, moving them about and he stifled a sigh as he wondered if one was a wedding ring, then he chastised himself knowing Tosh would not do that to him. He sat back so it was not obvious he had been watching and watched her enter, the fur coat flying from her shoulders to reveal the biggest pair of tits he had ever seen this side of a TV screen. He wondered if she needed tape to keep them in the low cut top she was wearing, then she leaned over and he got his answer as one bounced free.

Ianto blinked and looked away politely as she laughed and tucked it back in with its partner in crime then settled to grin at him, her lips a shocking pink. Bright like candyfloss.

Ianto smiled and signalled for the wine, then after a moment asked for a bourbon.

"Now you're talking" she slapped the table, "God. How much did that suit cost? You look like you know you way around the gym."

Ianto smiled softly.

"Oh wow, you are so…young. Are you legal?" she asked then laughed, flapping her hands as she looked at him again, "So. Dance?"

Ianto seemed unable to say no as he was yanked from his chair out to the dance floor where she ground against him copping a feel now and then, his horror compounded as the boner started and he tried to think of something to deflate it ….Hattie? Walter's nappy after he tried the banana and peach combo? Ah gods. He drank the one glass and then decided to switch to water. He had lost the buzz.

He was going to kill Tosh.

The woman was dirty dancing up him, slithering like some disgusting snail, then that image grew and he wondered if the perfume was masking … why the hell does he have to be so fixated with smell? Really? Gods!

They got back to their seat and she ordered mussels and oysters with a wink, "For you lover! You can … spear… some"

The wink was bad enough as she said the word spear but the tongue creeping out to lick her lips as her eyes slid down to the table, no doubt imagining the dick now resting against this thigh as it asked him with confusion what the hell it had woken up for.

Ianto tried to be polite but she became more drunk and… excitable as the night went on then he paid the bill while she was getting her coat and for a wild moment he envisaged himself doing a runner then knew he could never do that.

They got to the car and she stared at the solid Lincoln.

"I had you pegged as a convertible kinda guy" she said after a moment and Ianto pointed to the back seat where Walter's car seat sat patiently. His beloved Austin Martin Cherry in storage for now.

"I have a baby" he said as she looked confused, "I need a good strong car."

"Oh" she hoped in as he held the door for her, "Leather seats …ooooo… seat warmers?"

Ianto settled behind the wheel and made the mistake of glancing over in time to see her hands disappearing between her legs as she writhed and licked her lips some more "Just find us a dark alley lover, I will pay you for that lobster."

Ianto drove like the hounds of hell were after him, amazed that even in this state of shock he could remember the address Tosh had given as the woman's apartment building and she looked out the window with surprise as her own home came into view.

"Out" he barked then clambered out, rushed around and opened her door to look down at her, her legs open and … ewwwwwwwww….."OUT!"

She got out with a look of horror and turned to him, "I am not a cheap date ya know, others could have…"

"Husband" Ianto said and she spun with horror then confusion as she stared at the empty sidewalk devoid of the man she thought was bearing down on her to ask why a man was dropping her off and not the friend she had lied that she was meeting.

By the time she turned back, Ianto was gone in a squeal of rubber.

Nope.

Not into a sex maniac ta.