CHAPTER 5

The Real You

...

Arthur fell asleep slowly. He wasn't sure if he could trust Merlin's promise that he wouldn't leave again, but he was tired after the fight with the bandits and when his eyes closed on their own, he didn't fight it. He fell asleep, but his sleep was restless.

His dreams were all the same - Merlin left him, not caring how he felt. Merlin lied to him about something and didn't want to tell Arthur what it was. Merlin was keeping secrets from him, refusing to trust him.

Merlin was not who he said he was.

Merlin was a killer.

Merlin was a druid.

Merlin was a spy.

Merlin was a sorcerer.

Merlin . . . wasn't his friend.

Arthur didn't know what made him wake up, but there was this . . . strange feeling all around him. It was warm and tender, yet not like anything he'd ever experienced and when he finally regained consciousness, he felt someone holding his arm.

His eyes snapped open and he found himself staring up at the same person he'd dreamt about.

Merlin.

But it wasn't his Merlin. His eyes were gold. And he was smiling. This wasn't his Merlin because his Merlin wasn't a sorcerer, his Merlin didn't lie to him, his Merlin was his friend- or wasn't he?

Arthur wanted to believe this was just another dream. But when their eyes met and the silence stretched, when the gold faded out of Merlin's eyes and Arthur saw the horror and fear beneath it . . . He knew this was no dream at all. This was real.

"Merlin?"

Merlin opened his mouth and then closed it again, clutching his hands to his chest as he stood up and stepped away from Arthur. Then it occurred to him. Merlin was acting afraid of him, but he. . . He was a sorcerer.

Merlin was a sorcerer.

He had magic.

The secret Merlin had, that inkling Arthur didn't dare think about, his worst nightmare . . .

What happened next was more of an instinct rather than anything else. Arthur didn't even think about it. He jumped up, unsheathing his sword and pointed it at Merlin, who quickly backed away.

What had Merlin been doing to him? Was he using magic on him? Could he even trust him at all?

"Arthur, I can-"

"Then explain," Arthur cut him off, frowning. He couldn't believe how harsh he sounded, but then again, Merlin had been lying about so many things lately that he'd had enough. "What the hell were you doing? Did you use magic on me? Are you a sorcerer?"

Merlin's eyes filled with tears and his lips trembled.

Even after everything . . . It hurt Arthur to see him like this. But he forced the feeling down and swallowed. "Answer me!"

Merlin nodded. "Arthur, I'm so sorry."

"What were you doing?" Arthur asked again, his voice sharp.

Merlin cleared his throat and swallowed. "I healed your arm." His voice was shaking as he lightly pointed at Arthur's arm.

Arthur frowned at him in confusion and looked at his arm. It didn't hurt anymore. But no, that couldn't be right, Merlin had magic and magic was . . . evil.

"Why did you do that?" Arthur asked instead.

"Because even though you might not believe me right now, I care about you and you're my friend," Merlin told him. His voice was so weak.

Arthur felt tears prick at his own eyes as he continued watching Merlin in anger and disbelief. How did they get from that normal morning to here? To this mess? How could so many bad things happen in a matter of hours? Mere days? How could he have even thought of kissing that smirk off of Merlin's face just days ago – and now, here he was pointing his sword at Merlin instead?

Arthur looked at the sword in his hands. It was shaking. With a heavy sigh, he lowered it and let it fall to the ground.

Merlin watched his every movement closely, relief growing in his eyes, before looking back up to Arthur's face. Their eyes locked and it took a while before Arthur could look away. He loved Merlin with all his heart – he could never hurt him. But why did Merlin have to make this harder for him? Why did everything have to be so complicated?

"Is this why you keep leaving me?" Arthur asked, his voice barely a whisper. Merlin heard him though.

"I never wanted to leave you, I told you that."

"Then why?" Arthur asked. But he already knew the answer. Merlin disappeared the same day that-

"Kaunos," Merlin voiced Arthur's thoughts. "I didn't know who he was until Gaius told me, right before the meeting. And that's why I had to get away so suddenly. I planned to go back after he left Camelot, but-"

"Then I told you he was staying."

Merlin nodded. His cheeks were already wet from tears.

Arthur bent down and picked up his sword, sliding the blade back into its scabbard on his belt. Then he took a slow step back towards their little camp, sitting back down where he'd fallen asleep. Merlin sat down as well, opposite him, with only the last tiny flames of the fire between them. Merlin looked down at them and then reached out his hand slowly, muttering something under his breath.

His eyes flashed gold – and in the same instant the fire reignited, flames jumping higher with a wave of extra warmth. Arthur gasped, startled.

"Don't do that," snapped Arthur.

"Sorry," Merlin apologized, looking down. He sniffed almost inaudibly and instinctively touched his shoulder, where his wound was. Arthur wondered why he hadn't used his magic on his own wound too.

"So that's how you dealt with those bandits," Arthur mused out loud. "You used your magic on them."

Merlin nodded.

"And now my father knows about your magic too, and that's why we're running away from Camelot."

Merlin nodded again. "You don't have to come with me," he added. But Arthur could hear the hesitation in his voice - and he knew he'd never leave Merlin alone in this situation, not even after everything he'd found out so far.

He didn't say anything, though.

"I'm sorry I lied to you," Merlin told him. Arthur was silent. "I'm sorry I lied to you for so long about who I am."

"Who are you?" Arthur asked. "I thought . . . I thought I knew you."

"I'm still the same person," Merlin shook his head. "I'm still me, I just happen to have magic. That's all."

"And how did that just happen? You know it's illegal, right?" Merlin had to know that. So why did he keep using it? Did he use it back in Camelot too? Because if he did, then he was an idiot, just like Arthur used to call him.

"I didn't really have a choice," Merlin swallowed again as he looked into Arthur's eyes.

Arthur frowned at that. "What do you mean?"

"I was born with my magic."

"That's impossible," Arthur shook his head. It was true that he didn't know much about magic, but he knew this. No one could be born with that curse.

"It is," Merlin protested. "Look - I could move objects with my mind even before I could talk. But as I grew older, my magic grew stronger and I couldn't control it. That's why my mother sent me to Camelot, to Gaius. She thought he could help."

"So she sent you to the heart of the kingdom that punishes magic with death?" Arthur asked. He's only met Hunith once, but she seemed like a clever woman, not like someone who sent her son somewhere where they could kill him on the spot for simply existing.

"But Gaius was there," Merlin smiled briefly. So Gaius knew too. Of course. "He helped me learn to control it. I started to study magic properly. Spells for example. I hadn't known any before."

Arthur nodded. "So you used magic. In Camelot." Arthur knew now why Merlin was running away from that place. "Where did you even want to go?" he asked then. "My father won't stop hunting you down. The knights are probably in the forest right now, looking for you. And Kaunos has never failed before."

Merlin shrugged. "I know that, but I don't know where to go." His eyes filled with tears again. "I guess I'll have to hide somewhere, change how I look and change my name."

Arthur sighed. "And what about your scars?" he changed the subject again. "You said you'd tell me about them."

Merlin pursed his lips. "I've been using my magic to protect you from harm ever since I met you," Merlin answered. "And it took its toll on me."

"I don't need protection, especially not from a sorcerer," Arthur frowned at him. He could see the pain in Merlin's eyes again and even though he didn't like it, he took a deep breath and ignored it. He needed answers.

"You'd be surprised at how many times you could have died, if it wasn't for me."

Arthur frowned at him again. "Why would you help me though? You have . . . magic."

"Magic isn't evil, Arthur," Merlin began, staring at him intently. "It isn't good either, it's just a power. There is no evil in sorcery, only in the hearts of men."

Arthur took a minute to process this. His entire life, his father taught him that magic was evil and anything else was out of the question. It corrupts the soul of its user without exceptions. But if what Merlin was telling him was true . . . Then his father was wrong. Arthur's entire world was wrong. And - when he looked at Merlin, he knew there was not a single evil bone in his body. He might have been lying to him, but he was not evil. Besides, he's seen magic used for good before, like healing for example. Just like Kaunos said — on his travels, he's seen many things that he didn't tell his father about.

"Then why did you never tell me?" Artur asked.

"I didn't want to put you in that position," Merlin answered. "You'd have to either lie to your father or kill me, and . . . I didn't want to think about what you'd do."

"I'm not sure what I'd have done," Arthur mused. "But I wouldn't run you through, you must have known that."

Merlin only shrugged.

From somewhere far above them came the sound of an owl hooting – they both looked up, and as Arthur lowered his gaze again, he couldn't help but yawn. He was still angry. He really was. But he needed to sleep until morning, he couldn't have slept more than an hour before all of this had happened.

"You know what, we'll talk about it tomorrow," he told Merlin. "Get some sleep, and don't leave like you so love to do."

He knew that was hurtful to Merlin, but he turned away from him and lay on the ground anyway. He didn't want to see Merlin's face, or his gold eyes again. At least not at the moment. There was still a tiny chance this was all a dream and Merlin was exactly the idiot that Arthur fell in love with, the one who liked to call him names and not mutter spells under his breath.

He hadn't talked to Merlin the entire day, and now it felt like they talked too much instead of sleeping. But to be honest, he knew he wasn't the only one who dreaded the conversation to come.

As he closed his eyes, he heard Merlin lay down as well. "Good night, Arthur," he heard him say.

Arthur didn't answer.

xoXÖXox

It was a long day and the night was even worse. What had happened between them . . . Merlin didn't even know what to think. If Arthur didn't hate him for lying to him before, he definitely did now – to have found out about Merlin's magic like this . . . That must have been horrifying. Of course, Merlin was only healing Arthur's wound, but how must it have looked at first? That he was cursing him? Using dark magic against the prince?

Arthur must have thought that Merlin had used magic on him like that before.

Merlin sighed and turned back to the fire, still lying on the ground. Sleep would not come to him. He saw Arthur's back, slowly moving up and down as he breathed, the fire casting flickering shadows across his form.

If the situation were any different, Merlin would smile. Now, though - he couldn't seem to keep his eyes from stinging with fresh and unshed tears. For now, it looked like Arthur's sleep was peaceful. But what could he be dreaming about? Was he dreaming about Merlin? Was it a bad dream? Or was he just pretending he was asleep?

Did Arthur even trust him anymore? Judging from what had happened – the way that Arthur had stared at Merlin earlier – it didn't seem so.

Merlin brushed away his tears and sat up, bringing his knees to his chin and hugging his legs. He was leaning against the rock they were hiding behind, and he allowed himself to close his eyes for a moment.

He's managed to ruin one of the only relationships he truly cared about. Only one day ago, his biggest problem was finding out whether Arthur cared about him in the same way that Merlin did, and now he didn't even know if Arthur would ever talk to him again or look him in the eyes. Or trust him.

On the other hand, he was a little relieved that Arthur finally knew about his magic. No matter what happened, he now knew the real Merlin. Sure, he still didn't know all the details, but he knew that Merlin had magic. The only thing Merlin regretted more than anything was that he didn't get the chance to tell Arthur himself. He didn't know whether Arthur would have been this angry, had he told him himself. But at least it would have been his own decision, not a stupid mistake.

And at least Arthur would understand that Merlin trusted him with his secret. Because Merlin did trust him with it, he trusted him with his life, but everything had always been too complicated – he'd just kept postponing the talk, again and again until he hadn't even been sure that he'd ever be brave enough for it at all.

Gaius didn't want Merlin to tell anyone about his gift, but if Merlin was to have at least a chance at being with Arthur and starting a romantic relationship, he needed to show him that he trusted him.

Not that it mattered anymore. Even if Arthur had had feelings for him at some point, they were gone now. That realization hurt – the thought stabbed at him like a knife to the heart, but it was something he had to come to terms with. Yes, he was a liar, but he didn't want to lie to himself.

This wouldn't get better. He'd ruined it. All of it.

The only thing he knew was that Arthur wouldn't turn Merlin in and bring him back to Camelot, to his father and the witchfinder. If Arthur had proved anything over the last two days, it was that he was adamant to follow Merlin wherever he decided to go. No matter what had caused him to leave Camelot in the first place.

However, now that Arthur knew about his magic, Merlin feared that he'd leave him once they found a good place to settle. He'd leave him and return to Camelot - and Merlin wouldn't blame him, he'd even be glad. Because if Arthur decided to stay with him and live a normal peasant life with him, he'd be giving up his destiny and Merlin couldn't let that happen. Of all people, he could never be the one to stand in the way of Arthur's destiny.

And so, as soon as Arthur decided to leave him, Merlin would have to live out the rest of his days . . . alone. He would deserve it, after all that lying and pretending. He loved Arthur, that was true, and he'd find some way to check on the prince as often as he could, but he'd probably never talk to him again. That was his new future – inevitable.

Merlin sighed again and stood up. Since he hadn't fallen asleep in the last hour, it wasn't likely that he would now. He used his magic to make the fire a tiny bit smaller, just in case someone came across them and meant to do Arthur harm. Then he added another spell, cloaking the camp in an invisible shield of magic so that Arthur would be undoubtedly safe as he slept

Merlin didn't want to leave again. He promised Arthur he wouldn't, and he had every intention of returning there and trying to get some sleep for the rest of the night, but he needed to clear his head.

There was no chance he'd fall asleep if he kept thinking about the things that were circling around in his head.

He took one last look at Arthur, making sure that he was still soundly sleeping - he was. Merlin could even hear the snores that he was so used to. He'd miss them, once Arthur left him.

Turning away from the sleeping prince, Merlin moved over to the horse and took a moment to pat him soothingly. Then he stepped farther off into the forest, leaving behind the invisible magical bubble that surrounded the campsite. He missed being in nature. But waking Arthur up in the morning and then spending his entire day by his side was something he liked even more.

Nevertheless, he kept walking and walking, away from Arthur and from his problems, missing Arthur more and more and missing how they used to be. He looked up at the moon - it was bright, shining down at everything around him and illuminating his face. He almost tripped over a root as he kept walking, face still turned towards the night sky.

Just as he thought of turning back, he heard a sound behind him.

"Arthur?" he whispered as he turned around, trying to make something out of all the shapes of twigs and trees in the dark. Wasn't he too far away from their camp anyway? Would Arthur even follow him? What if he did and he was angry because he thought Merlin had left him again!

Merlin's eyes widened as that possibility crossed his mind. But when he listened and didn't hear anything else, he dismissed it as a bird or some small animal, and he looked up at the sky again. There were a lot of clouds now, covering more than half of the moon.

Suddenly, he heard someone move behind him. It wasn't an animal, and it definitely wasn't Arthur, because before he could turn around and face his enemy, something cold and tight closed around his wrists.

Merlin gasped and quickly turned around, staring right into the eyes of a man. A knight of Camelot, judging by the red cloak around his shoulders.

"I'm sorry, Merlin," he heard him whisper. And he recognized that voice immediately.

"Sir Leon?"

With apologetic eyes, Sir Leon turned away from him, bringing Merlin with him by his wrists. Only now Merlin noticed a strange feeling in his hands - it didn't hurt much, but it was very uncomfortable, as if some kind of magic caused it.

His eyes widened when he realized what was happening.

"Search for the prince as well, he's also missing," Leon ordered the other knights. "And find us as soon as you can, we're returning to Camelot immediately." Two of them nodded and left, thankfully going in the opposite direction than where their camp was. They must have assumed Merlin was returning there, if they thought he was with Arthur.

Leon then yanked at the handcuffs gently, prompting Merlin to move as he started walking back where they came from.

And sure enough, just as Merlin feared he'd see, when the moon shone down on his hands, there were metal handcuffs around his wrists. They were covered in druid marks and different words and symbols of the language of the Old Religion. Even though Merlin couldn't read all of them, he could safely guess the meaning.

They were supposed to bind his magic and prevent him from using it.

Now he really was a dead man. These handcuffs had surely been given to Leon by Kaunos – Merlin had never seen Uther use them before. Experimentally, he tried to use a spell to break himself free. He whispered, "Tospringe," under his breath.

A sharp pain ran through his whole body, bringing him down to his knees with a scream.

Leon stopped and knelt down next to him. "Merlin," he said, his eyes widening. "Did you try to use magic?" Merlin only nodded, the pain still sharp. "Don't do that, it will only hurt you."

"Yeah, I get that now," Merlin nodded with his eyes still closed tight.

"So he is a sorcerer," muttered one of the other knights, leaning towards one of the others. "Finally - I've never seen one in my life."

Leon frowned at them. "That's enough." Then he turned to Merlin again. "Can you walk?"

Merlin nodded. "I think so." The pain was quickly growing dull, but he could still feel it. It didn't affect his ability to walk, though, so he stood up again and nodded at Leon.

Together, they started walking back to the horses, and back to Camelot.

Now, there was truly no hope for Merlin. He would leave Arthur during the night again, and he'd return to Camelot against his will.

He was being led to his death.

xoXÖXox

The first thing Arthur heard when he woke up was his horse. His stallion was sniffing around, trying to make noise and wake him up because he was probably hungry. Which meant that Merlin hadn't fed him, and Arthur didn't feel like standing up yet.

"Merlin," Arthur moaned, not even bothering to open his eyes as he rolled over. He was facing the fire now - it must have stopped burning during the night.

The horse made another noise, but there was no other sound. No complaining, no name-calling, no flurry of motion as a certain someone grumpily stood up to feed the horse. Arthur frowned at the strange absence of his companion and yawned, finally opening his eyes.

The fire had burned out, just like Arthur had expected, but there was no one around. Just an empty space all around Arthur, nothing but trees, twigs and the horse.

Arthur looked around, and suddenly everything came back to him.

The bandits. The running away from Camelot without any good reason. Finally finding out the reason. Merlin using magic on him. Merlin promising he wouldn't leave him again-

The prince looked around the camp. Merlin wasn't there.

Deep in Arthur's chest, an icy cold was spreading – it felt as if frostbite were growing over his heart and leaving it brittle, ready to crack and shatter at the slightest touch. Merlin was gone - he'd broken his promise. He'd left Arthur alone in the woods, just like the night before. Merlin lied to him about so many things. As sadness pooled inside him, weighing at his heart, Arthur realized that Merlin could not be trusted. Not even when every fiber of Arthur's being screamed that he was wrong, that Merlin was a good and loyal friend, that he was the person that Arthur had fallen in love with . . . despite everything, the evidence proved otherwise.

Arthur took a deep breath and looked at the horse sadly. The stallion only neighed again while looking at him intently. Arthur's shoulders slumped and he stood up, looking at the spot where Merlin would still be sleeping if he hadn't left him.

And then it hit him. Merlin's backpack! It was still there! Arthur's eyes widened and he picked it up, looking around. There was nothing else. This was the only thing that Merlin had packed as he was leaving Camelot and it was the only thing he wouldn't leave behind.

And that meant only one thing. Merlin, being incredibly stupid as always, must have left the camp – maybe going for a walk, or . . .

The knights had found him.

The thought came to him unbidden – the realization hit him like a slap in the face, his heart suddenly racing in his chest. He looked around one more time and yelled, "Merlin!", but only more silence was his answer.

He had to move fast. He threw Merlin's backpack over his shoulder, packed his and Merlin's blankets that they'd slept in and then strode over to the horse. There was one thing he couldn't figure out though. If the knights had found Merlin and brought him back to Camelot, how the hell did they not find Arthur as well? And wasn't Merlin strong enough to beat them? He was strong enough to deal with over ten bandits on his own only two days before . . .

Arthur found an apple in his saddlebag and gave it to his horse, patting its neck. "You're gonna need it, boy," he told him. He fed the stallion one more apple before finally pulling himself up onto his back. Arthur was determined to get back to Camelot as fast as he could, then find Merlin, and bring him back to safety.

No matter how angry Arthur was at Merlin for his lies, he couldn't bear the thought of losing him. Not before, not now, not ever. He'd never forgive himself if he stood by and did nothing as Merlin died. And now if his father had him, death was his inevitable fate - he'd be executed. Perhaps even burned alive. And Arthur couldn't allow that. No matter what the cost.

He kicked his horse and urged him to move, finally leaving their camp.

Suddenly, the surrounding silence that the area had been enveloped in was abruptly shattered – all at once, the usual sounds of the forest hit him in a wave. Arthur brought his horse to a sudden halt, ignoring its neigh of annoyance as he looked around. He could hear the animals, the wind, everything else that was normal to a forest. Only now he realized that he truly hadn't heard anything besides the horse before. There must have been some sort of a barrier around the camp . . .

Together with the sound, a strange wave of warmth overwhelmed him as he left the camp. It was strange but familiar – and the feeling had started at exactly the same time as the sounds of the forest had returned.

His eyes widened as he realized what it was. He'd felt it before - when he woke up and found Merlin staring at him with gold eyes. It was the same feeling that had stopped just as Merlin's irises faded back to blue.

It must have been Merlin's magic. There was no other explanation for it.

Arthur couldn't believe it. After everything that's happened, after all that betrayal and lies, Merlin's magic felt like this - warm and welcoming. It was a feeling that would stay with him in his heart, just like the love he felt for the boy.

But there was no time to think about that now. He kicked his horse again and they set off, galloping across the forest, heading to Camelot.

Back home.

xoXÖXox

They traveled through the whole night, not stopping for any reason. Every knight had a horse - only Merlin had to walk on his own. Thankfully, Leon led the group and chose to ride slowly so that Merlin could keep up, for which Merlin would be forever grateful.

They passed the same meadows he and Arthur had ridden through, the same rock where he'd found the cave to hide in for the first night, on and on until they reached the cliff with the view of Camelot. They didn't even stop to admire the view (which was something that Merlin never failed to do), instead continuing down the road straight to the castle.

No one talked. Not even Leon. Either they didn't know what to say, or they were all tired thanks to their time out searching for him.

By the time they finally reached the castle and rode through the gates, it was early morning. The group didn't stop for anything – one of the knights hurried ahead to tell the king of their arrival, while the rest followed at their original steady pace. Before he knew it, Merlin was on his way to the throne room, awaiting an audience with the king - an unfair trial.

The king didn't care why he had or used magic, after all. He didn't care that he'd saved Arthur's life with his magic, countless times. He saw magic as one thing and one thing only - pure evil that was meant to be destroyed.

Leon pushed the door open for him and they entered the throne room.

Uther was sitting on his throne, his eyes not only full of sadness over losing Morgana (a sadness that had been present in his eyes ever since she disappeared), but now set alight by a newfound anger and satisfaction.

On his left, standing beside the throne was a man who had to be the witchfinder - Kaunos. This was the first time that Merlin had laid eyes on him, and he was surprised by how young he looked. The evil smirk on his face could not have been mistaken for anything else though. There was no doubt about it - he was the one who discovered Merlin was a sorcerer and he was pleased about it to no end.

"Here he is," Uther said as he stood up and narrowed his eyes. "The sorcerer who had been poisoning my kingdom."

Merlin didn't even know what to say. There was no doubt he was going to die and there was nothing that could be done to change that. Arthur didn't trust him anymore, and his attempt at running away had come to nothing.

His life didn't mean much without Arthur anyway. And now he would die before Arthur could even realize where he'd gone or what had happened. At this very moment, he was probably awake, angry and wondering why Merlin had left him again.

The thought saddened Merlin even more, and the feeling of hopelessness only grew.

"I have only ever used magic in Camelot to protect the prince," said Merlin, his voice cracking despite his defensive tone. Glancing to the side, he caught sight of two familiar faces – Gwen and Gaius were in the room as well. Gwen was crying.

"Lies!" shouted Uther, a terrible scowl distorting his features. "To even think that I made you my son's manservant -" he sneered at him, "while all along, you have been planning the destruction of Camelot."

"Why would I want to destroy my home?" Merlin asked. Uther didn't even make sense anymore, all he saw was illogical evil in every person with even the slightest potential for magical abilities.

"You are a sorcerer," Uther said. As if that made everything clear. As if the fact that Merlin possessed this power somehow justified all of this. Merlin watched distantly as Uther turned to Kaunos with a nod – the witchfinder responded with a smile, handing the king something that Merlin couldn't see. When Uther turned back to face the throne room, Merlin glimpsed the object in his hands. It was the magical staff of the Sidhe!

Did he leave that in Camelot? He really was an idiot, wasn't he? There was nothing he regretted more than forgetting about that stupid piece of wood.

"This was found in your chambers," said the king. "A weapon that can only be wielded by powerful sorcerers."

Merlin hadn't even known about that.

"This isn't a trial," Uther continued. "You deserve no such thing." He handed the staff back to Kaunos behind him, and then turned to glare at the young warlock once again. The truth was clear in Uther's furious eyes – Merlin knew that the decision had already been made. "You are found guilty," Uther told him. And though Merlin knew what was coming – even though he'd known this whole time – he still felt tears sting at his eyes as Uther said the final words.

"By the laws of Camelot, I hereby sentence you to death."

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SPELLS

- "Tospringe" - It means "open quickly" and was used for example in episodes 2x01 The Curse of Cornelius Sigan, when Merlin escapes from the cell, or in 2x03 The Nightmare Beings, when Merlin blows off the gate.