Star Wars Episode IX: The Final Conclusion
Poe Dameron let off a fart. Finn glared at Poe with his face contorted into a demonic visage of obvious disapproval. Poe let off another fart and then a rapid fire burst of twelve different-sounded farts.
"Dude, that's disgusting," Finn kept his voice down but he had to repress a strong urge to scream into his ear and slap him across his face, "quit it!"
"Sorry," Poe popped open a bottle of Rolaids and put three in his mouth, "I get nervous during these formal occasions," he said with his mouth full, crunching on the antacid mints, "I haven't been this gassy since Snap Wexley's wedding."
"Who?"
"I don't know."
Rey shushed the two of them, "will you guys be quiet? They're about to pass out the awards!"
"I'm hungry!" Rose Tico complained as she was scarfing on a turkey leg she smuggled in, keeping it warm between her breasts. She had bloated to over 310 pounds since the last movie and developed self-esteem issues which lead to an addiction to plastic surgery to make herself look less ugly which ultimately culminated in her injecting her face with cooking oil so she looked even fatter and uglier than ever before (a/n: If the actress who played Rose is reading this: please don't take this personally. You don't have to look ugly if you'd just exercise and get a plastic surgeon to trim that double chin and those Eraserhead Radiator Girl cheeks).
"SHUT IT!" Rey shouted in her bitchy accent that was an abominable dialectal Frankenstein's monster that combined Heightened Received Pronunciation with MLE into a hideous bastard child of disparate linguistic aesthetics.
They and the entirety of the Resistance were assembled on their last capital ship, the Truth and Reconcilation, to witness the passing out of awards to all of the worthy heroes the galaxy had to offer. C-3PO played the fanfare on a Prophet-5 synthesizer accompanied by Lando Calrissian on sousaphone and Chewbacca with his musical porgs as Admiral Holdo, who survived, walked on stage with a stylish new ball gown, hair dye in a deeper violet color, and rings on her neck to make it even longer than it was before.
Tepid applause rang throughout the ship's auditorium.
"Thank you, oh, so very much!" Holdo said as a dopey shit-eating grin widened across her face, "We are gathered here today to present the Rebellion's highest honor onto the two most worthy heroes who ever lived. Heroes who set a real standard for valor and courage that has never ever been precedented by anybody before, ever. So, without further ado, let's find out who they are! First up, for being so willing to selflessly sacrifice her own life directing the Raddus against the First Order's fleet and taking out over twelve-hundred capital ships, allowing her crew to escape unharmed with minimal casualties, surviving her own kamikaze attack, and for being very fashionable: the very first Order of Meritorious Conspicuity of the entire war shall be presented to… Me! Admiral Amilyn Holdo! Yay!"
She clapped excitedly. Nobody else did.
"And lastly, but not least, I present the last Order of Meritorious Conspicuity to a strong woman of great bravery who effortlessly shot down over a million First Order fleets with the World's greatest starship, the Millennium Falcon, and then used THE FORCE™ to toss another million First Order fleets into the sun near Malachor V where she stopped by to kill Obi-Wan Kenobi's, Mace Windu's, Qui-gon Jinn's, Kitt Fisto's, Wedge Antilles', Biggs Darklighter's, Oola's, Kyle Katarn's, Canderous Ordo's, Meetra Surik's, Kreia's, Grand Admiral Thrawn's, Gilad Pellaeon's, Han Solo's, Salacious Crumb's, HK-47's, THX 1138's, Zorak's, Moltar's, Buzz Lightyear's, Dot Matrix's, Geordi La Forge's, and Howard the Duck's FORCE™ ghosts and then she went to Korriban and blew up the evil planet with a single laser shot from a gun she always kept on her but was never seen in the movies. Give it up for Rey Ridley, WOOHOO!"
Rey Ridley joyously shrieked like a howler monkey as she sprinted towards the podium. She embraced Holdo and they kissed each other so passionately that their tongues came close to choking each other out.
"Thank you, thank you!" Rey Ridley screeched in her bitchy accent as she held up the Medal of Meritorious Conspicuity with tears streaming down her face, "I thank you all for this prestigious honor. I'd like to say I couldn't have done it without you but I am the most powerful FORCE™ user who ever lived so, I could have won this war easily. I mean, if anything, you guys should just go home and wait for me to win because I can just kill Kylo Ren and General Huxley by thinking about it," Rey squinted her eyes and protruded her overbite in deep concentration. She abruptly opened her eyes at the same time the First Order commanding officers appeared on stage and their heads rolled off of their shoulders like pieces of Steak Tartare slipping off of silver platters, "there, I just did it! The war's over! Give me another medal!"
Nobody clapped.
"Thank you, thank you! So anyway, I really want to thank Finn for being.." Her smile turned to a frown. She looked to her left to see a mysterious figure with a suit, long tendril-like arms, and a blank face lurching towards her. It was… SLENDERMAN© 2009 Eric Knudsen!
Holdo cocked her head at Rey and looked worried, "What's wrong, Rey? AAAAAAAGGGGHHH!"
With one touch of Slenderman©'s finger: Holdo jittered around and her body contorted into unnatural positions. The chromomites in her hair crawled into her mouth like spiders and made her eyeballs pop into puddles of blood and viscera. Her ball gown melted off of her skin as her sweat turned acidic and peeled the skin off of her tendons and her muscles wasted away and her organs disintegrated to reveal her skeleton. Her brain melted and poured down her nasal cavity so the back of her throat resembled a slurpee faucet pouring out Sour Patch Watermelon. With one final throat-rending shriek: she exploded into piles of disconnected bones.
Upon witnessing this traumatic, otherworldly horror, Everybody ran away in a disorganized fashion, screaming like little girls. One guy threw out his voice shrieking like a banshee while rabbit-punching people ahead of him so he could make his escape while stepping on the backs of fellow soldiers and crewmen he knocked out.
Rey, being a strong, independent woman of colour, took a few steps back away from the frightening Slenderman before running away, screaming like a prostitute, only for the Slenderman to teleport in front of her no matter which direction she tried to flee in.
"W-who," Rey stammered, "Who are you!?"
The creature spoke, "I am Herschel Yannay ben Israel Slenderman, Supreme Treasurer of the First Order. Former Commisioner of the New Republic Revenue Service, and Former Personal Bookkeeper of President-for-Life of the Galactic Empire, Sheev Palpatine, accredited by the Corruscant Institute of Certified Public Accountants!"
"W-what- what do you want from me?!" Rey felt fear for the first time in her entire life. This was not a problem that could be beaten with her mighty shaft of solid wood.
"I've come to tell you that your parents wish to see you," Slenderman explained, "They have been working off their back taxes at St. Rendar's Debtors Prison, in orbit around Koros Major, because they forgot to file their W-2's before the deadline in April of the year when you were confiscated from them and assigned to your designated legal guardian, Unkar Plutt!"
"THAT'S NOT TRUE! THAT'S OUTRAGEOUS! KYLO REN TOLD ME THEY WERE NOBODIES WHO SOLD ME FOR DRINKING MONEY!"
"Actually, they were navigators on a spice freighter. They did not write that they had sold any of their children for perishable goods before we sent them to prison."
"NOOO! NOOOO! ALCOHOL IS NON-PERISHABLE!"
"For our intents and purposes, Galactic Revenue Law classifies alcoholic beverages and spirits as perishable goods. I don't make the rules, I just enforce them."
"Enforce this, fuckface!" Rey shouted as she used THE FORCE™ to vigintuplicate (that means to make 20 copies of) her own custom-designed lightsaber and telekinetically whirl them around to slice off the Lovecraftian tendrils and limbs of Slenderman. Rey could also telepathically tell that Slenderman was feeling a newfound sense of fear that constricted around his black heart like a Burmese Python about to swallow an entire Springbok alive (a/n: this happens all the time in their natural habitat. There's a reason why some scientists refer to them as "The Perfect Killing Machines of the Everglades").
Slenderman was effectively castrated and he took to pleading for mercy, "Please, Rey, I beg you to take pity on me! I have a wife and kids!"
"Is that true?"
"Well, no, I'm lying. But, I don't want to die! I got things to live for just like any other American!"
"Americans should learn to bow before the eternal might of the British Empire," Rey said patriotically, "By the powers vested in me by Her Majesty, the Queen of England, I shall unleash a new potential upon you and I intend to use it to its full extent." And then, the ethereal manifestation of her fighting spirit appeared behind her. It looked like the historical Indian terrorist, Sitting Bull, except it had eyeliner and luscious lips.
"OH MY GOD, WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS THAT THING?!" Slenderman was hyperventilating.
"This is what I like to call a FORCE™ STAND (pat. pend.). I am the very first woman in the entire history of the Galaxy to develop one. And now, I'm going to knock the everliving crap out of you with it! ORA ORA ORA!" a rapid fire barrage of punches rained down on Slenderman to such a degree that it made Boris in my Calliou fanfiction look like he was gently tickling John Brightling, who was possessing Cällǽǜ's body after having quantum immortalitated inside of him. And then Rey used her Stand to rip Slenderman's head off and she used her lightsabers to cut his entire body into individual pieces that were each packed into hermetically sealed containers that were fired off in different directions throughout the vastness of space so that Slenderman's body would never be allowed to reconstitute itself.
Poe and Finn applauded her efforts. They flew the Truth and Reconcilation over to St. Rendar's to give Rey's parents a nice greeting card that she scratched her pubic hair on and then she flipped them both off when Rey's mom noticed a few plucked hairs inside the card because Rey hated her parents for being deadbeats. They then went to Coruscant to announce their New Galactic Order. Jumbotrons throughout the Galaxy broadcast Live footage of Rey standing before a podium and a crowd of billions gathered together in the planet's city square cheered her on.
"Ladies and gentlemen," Rey said, staring blankly at the cameras. The crowd fell silent and hung on her every word, "we have achieved a great victory on this day. To celebrate: I shall be made the first democratically-elected ruler of all the Galaxy and my first order of business is to execute, by Scaphism, Slenderman's entire family and the families of everyone who pledged their allegiance to the First Order."
The crowd cheered but a lone heckler in the audience sought to stir up trouble, "you can't just do that! That's vindictive, barbaric, and evil!"
"Who said that?" Rey darted her eyes but kept her mouth slack-jawed so she looked like she caught a whiff of Jabba the Hutt's reproductive organs.
"It was me, Charitibo, son of Greedo," an Unidentified Rodian with Jacket said, "and I further declare that you should stand trial for your illegitimate attempts to take over the Galaxy by force!"
"How dare you try to oppress me, Sith™ Lord!" Rey shouted, "I will create a beautiful paradise in this Galaxy and undo the tens of thousands of years of damage that men have caused. From this day forward, all men will be interned on a planet where each individual is confined to a one square kilometer plot of land, with a little house in it that has all the basic amenities they really need, surrounded by concrete walls that makes communication impossible. All weapons will also be confiscated and melted down into more useful things like hairclips. With men and guns being unable to cause any trouble: women are free to maintain the galaxy as a safe, prosperous, conflict-free environment where no wars could ever possibly happen. And, furthermore, I declare that anyone who criticizes me shall be executed for treason along with their entire families!"
"But those are blatant violations of so many inalienable rights inherent to God's sapient creatures! You have no right to do that!"
"Stop being such an entitled child!" Rey then used FORCE™ Lightning on the unidentified Rodian and used her FORCE™ STAND® to swing punches on parts of his body that burst like popcorn before their overwhelming straimf as he was electrocuted to death.
"Now that I have slain the Galaxy's last villain: all men will immediately be filed off to Planet Xanthipus while all women can go get ice cream! Yay!"
And then, all of the men got shipped off to spend the rest of their lives in solitary confinement on a desolate tundra planet while all of the women lived in eternal prosperity until two months later when the Galaxy's government collapsed and Rey had to kill 87% of the Galaxy's population with her FORCE™ powers, and then, everybody's problems were solved forever.
Moral of the Story: If you lived in another galaxy: eating anything would give you an incurable disease.