vertigo

2: the sound of the void

There is a memory Sasuke always goes back to. Itachi-nii-san feet are tickling his own underneath the kotatsu, and he's got the faraway look again, the one Sasuke couldn't decipher until nearly a decade later. Kaa-san was organizing her recipes again, seasonal this time Sasuke-ah, don't give me that look! and Otou-san was just minutes away from coming home, the mounting mix of anticipation and slight unease pooling in his stomach despite this being their routine nearly everyday, of every year.

Sasuke so desperately missed that feeling-the repetitive, monotonous, predictable nothing his evenings would be when there were people to go back too, a home. He indulged in this memory during his darkest times, despite knowing the sad ache he'd feel when the warmth of reminiscing faded away.

Lately, there was another memory too. A slow-burn of a memory, alighting in its intensity in the most peculiar way. Sakura's endless apple-green eyes swallowing him whole, her shy hand grasping his wrist, the heat of her chest and the shaky way it rose and fell. But most of all, her opening the door and welcoming him back home.

And so Sasuke indulged as the sun shattered through the dusty blinds, after a night of fitful sleep. It wasn't surprising considering it was his first night back in Konoha after nearly two years. Sleep just didn't come as soundly without the whispers of the rivers or the crackling of his stoked fire.

Not to mention the ryokan's futon was incredibly uncomfortable.

Groaning softly, Sasuke arose with trepidation. Now that he was back in Konoha, he was unsure of what to do with himself. Sasuke often enjoyed wandering without purpose but it just seemed strange now that he was back home. He wasn't sure if it was due to the immense painful memories that haunted nearly every corner of his hometown or if it was his increasing desire to create new ones and the inability to do so.

He was sure that he missed breakfast by now. Staying at the ryokan in the old Uchiha stronghold was a whimsical decision, something new for Sasuke. Curiosity lead him to his old home last night and he was surprised to find that there were a few stores and ryokans open. He was keenly aware that the lamp lights and lanterns seemed to disappear past the perimeter of the compound, meaning that the old homes and apartments that were so familiar to Sasuke were probably still in ruins. He wondered if the decision to restore some parts of the compound was purely financial or an olive branch. He remembered the wide-eyes the receptionist gave him when he asked for his room and the plain anxiety in which she procured the keys. However, there was no malice behind the middle-aged woman's eyes.

The only way I'll find out is if I ask.

Sasuke grimaced, none too keen on the thought. Still, he did come to the ryokan to satiate the persistent questions in his mind. The red and white uchiwa was proudly in display along the decorated halls. As Sasuke perused, he faintly smelled burning incense. Turning to his right, he recognised the large, golden doors of a cabinet inside a small room. Realization dawned on him, inwardly aware that it was an altar.. As Sasuke entered, his eyes immediately were drawn to the crinkled, faded picture of a couple. They were standing at the foot of the ryokan he currently inhabited, many years ago and most likely before the Uchiha Massacre. Somebody had been in here moments ago to pay their respects.

I guess an olive branch then.

"Teme! Goddamnit, you're hard to find!"

Sasuke closed his eyes tightly, hoping futilely that he was just imagining Naruto uncouthly barging in an altar and screaming. The echo of his voice vibrated through the tiny room, offerings and glass windows shaking.

He felt him clapping his shoulder, declaring proudly, "Thankfully, I caught you just before my lunch break. You have no idea how hard it is these days to sit down for a decent meal. All of this adult shit, y'know?"

Sasuke finally opened his eyes and as he momentarily took in all the changes in Naruto-from his shorter hair, taller-a few centimeters, of course-form, less obscene and decidedly less orange outfit-and fought the urge to shove his arm off.

"You do realise where you are right?" Sasuke interjected in a harsh whisper, gesturing to the altar, "Can you not be a fool for once?"

"The hell you mean? I'm just happy to see you!" Naruto snapped, affronted.

"We're in an altar. Where people pay their respects to the dead," Sasuke muttered, pinching the bridge of his nose, "Let's get out of here before I'm properly cursed."

"Well even though that stick is still firmly up your ass, I'm glad you found a sense of humour along your travels," Naruto retorted derisively.

Sasuke smirked, eyes softening. If they were more mature and not as emotionally stunted, perhaps Sasuke could've told his best friend that he missed him too.

Naruto grinned, unsaid words heavy between them.

If only it was this easy with-

"Alright, asshole. Get changed quickly, we need to have a reunion meal stat," Naruto cried, fist pumping the air. He gave Sasuke a hearty shove out of the altar, explaining to him the arduous efforts he went through to find him and sneak out of Kakashi's "Hokage-in-Training" classes.

"It's a waste of time, I tell you. Whenever I get a break in between missions, Kaka-sensei hauls me up in his dingy office. And there's no escaping it too cause he's the one who gives me missions!"

They had finally made it back to Sasuke's room. Naruto's untimely visit had put a snare in Sasuke's morning plans. He changed out of his yukata, hoping to quickly take a shower before Naruto dragged him for lunch.

"How the hell did you find me anyway?" Sasuke interrupted, glaring at the intrusion in question.

Naruto chuckled darkly, wagging his finger, "News travels fast around here, teme. No thanks to you! You should've told me you were coming."

Sasuke rolled his eyes, "I didn't take you for a gossip like the bored civilians."

"Nope," Naruto agreed, "But I'm a proud eavesdropper. If you wanted to stay hidden, why the fuck would you come back here, to the Uchiha compound? And stop ignoring my question, why didn't you tell me?"

Sasuke sighed, fishing for the clean towels and toiletries.

"I was being considerate. I know you're busy with your new wife," Sasuke murmured, shrugging, "And I told Sakura."

"Wait, Sakura-chan knows?" Naruto snapped, "Why didn't she tell me?"

"She was probably being considerate of me," Sasuke replied dryly.

"The hell is that supposed to mean?" Naruto shouted, and then he deflated quickly, scratching his chin in what Sasuke could only deduce as thought. Sasuke shuddered inwardly at the realization. Clearly the changes in Naruto weren't only physical.

"Hmm, that is interesting, y'know," Naruto hummed conspiratorially.

"Don't make me guess whatever you're thinking, halfwit," Sasuke grumbled, "I've got to take a shower."

"It's just interesting that you only chose to tell Sakura," Naruto continued slyly, "Is something up between you too?"

"No," Sasuke replied with finality, "And now I need you to let me take my damn shower."

Naruto held up his hands in surrender, closing his eyes in mock defeat, "I get it, I get it. Touchy subject. Anyway, lucky for you Sakura can't make it to lunch so I can't grill the both of you together. I'll be waiting in the hallway, asshole."

Sasuke waited to hear the click of the door, finally trudging his way to his long-awaited shower. Unfortunately for Naruto and his newest gossiping proclivities, there was no information to relay about Sakura and himself.

None at all. Nothing was happening. Nothing changed.

According to Sakura, they were now friends.

Friends.

Sasuke snorted, shutting his eyes instinctively as the water spluttered from the showerhead.

Sasuke resolutely chose to ignore the feeling of bitterness that accompanied that term when he thought of his pink-haired teammate.

Sasuke tapped his chopsticks sullenly at the rim of ramen bowl. It had been about a half and hour since joining Naruto for lunch. Ichiraku was buzzing, and Sasuke noted that there had been a third expansion of the establishment, fitting a dozen more patrons. The curtains looked newer too and Sasuke keenly observed a wall full of pictures, a sea of strangers except for Naruto's face springing up enough times that it made him cringe-Naruto in all his glory, in various outfits but that same joyous expression ever present as he was surrounded by empty bowls.

When Sasuke had asked Naruto, he proudly proclaimed that he had told "old man Teuchi" that hosting a ramen competition every month would be great for business and morale.

"I'm kinda the reason why he expanded at all to be honest," Naruto mused, scuffing his nose in feigned humility, "I honestly think I should be a partner or something. A stake in the business, y'know?"

Sasuke couldn't summon the energy for a response. Ultimately, Sasuke had to grudgingly admit that it was nice to be back home and taste the familiar scalding broth and slippery noodles from his childhood.

"It is hard imagine you as a giving lover, Naruto."

Sasuke nearly felt whiplash with the shock in which he snapped out of his reverie. He almost forgot that Sai, in his strange translucency and eerie candor, was there too. Sasuke wasn't too sure what to make of Sai quite yet, he knew with certainty that they would never be friends but he had to respect him for being a reliable comrade to Naruto and Sakura when he had violently tore their team apart with his defection.

While Sasuke was not in a place to judge another's communication skills, he could say with confidence that he at least knew appropriate talk during a meal.

And Naruto's sex life was definitely something he didn't want to hear about in any capacity.

"Don't imagine me at all, weirdo. That's the point I'm making," Naruto replied, almost anguished. Clearly the two of them had been debating for awhile now.

"I meant no disrespect at all. My goal is to acquire a breadth of data so that I'm able to gauge my own ability as a lover," Sai pressed on, nodding thoughtfully.

Naruto groaned, rubbing his face.

Sasuke coughed mildly, taking a final slurp of his ramen. It was abundantly clear that their lunch outing had to come to a swift end.

"Have I made you uncomfortable, Uchiha-san?" Sai asked, smiling. Clearly the ex-Root member had noted that Sasuke was about to leave.

"It's fine," Sasuke replied briskly, "I should be heading out anyway."

"Where?" Naruto demanded, "You got nowhere to go, teme. Don't leave because of Sai. You've barely said a word."

"He strikes me as the non-verbal type," Sai offered helpfully.

"Yeah, he's stunted like that but you're sex talk definitely didn't help!" Naruto shot back.

"I truly didn't mean to make you feel inadequate in front of your long-time friend. I am sure Hyuga-san is more than satisfied with your below-average equipment"

Sasuke eyes widened, momentarily grimacing. Sai was truly a quick-witted, brazen asshole.

Naruto cracked his fist, sighing warily. He inched near Sai, grabbing the back of his collar. Despite talking like he had a death wish, Sai looked like a lifeless doll as Naruto lowered his head forebodingly.

"You're lucky we're at Ichiraku and I've got some respect for old man Teuchi," Naruto breathed warningly, fist dangerously close to the back of Sai's neck.

"Indeed," Sai replied quietly, laughing awkwardly, "And you also don't want to leave Ino a widow."

"That too," Naruto quickly affirmed, smirking.

"Well, I do think I extended my stay far longer than welcome," Sai cajoled, smoothing down his shirt and standing as gracefully as one could after being manhandled publically. He flashed Sasuke a gracious smile, adding "It was certainly an event to make your acquaintance again. I would've said pleasant but you didn't say very much."

Sasuke shrugged and replied, " I think that was for the best."

With a resounding wave, Sai flash-stepped out of Ichiraku as Naruto ordered another bowl of miso chashu with pork.

"You seriously can't be eating more," Sasuke muttered, deeply annoyed.

"Yes! I need something to eat while we talk," Naruto explained, gesturing at Sasuke dismissively.

Sasuke rolled his eyes, ordering another sake.

"So you went to see Sakura-chan yesterday," Naruto sang, grinning, "That must've been awkward."

"You're not going to get me to say anything," Sasuke muttered contemptuously,, "You're going to have to live with whatever Sakura told you."

Naruto's eyes widened cartoonishly and remarked, "So there is something to tell. We're getting somewhere."

Sasuke took a hearty gulp of sake, wincing slightly. It had been awhile since he had some alcohol. The last time was a year ago, when he had come back to Konoha for an unexpected visit and-

Stop.

"You're being fucking weird," Naruto continued, drumming his fingers on the table.

"You're the one prying into something that isn't even there. Sakura and I are friends, that's it."

Naruto snorted, "Since when?"

"According to Sakura, since yesterday," Sasuke replied sarcastically. Naruto gave him a long sideway glance and sighed.

"You two are exhausting and weird. I give up."

"Don't overwork your brain, dobe."

Somehow, inexplicably, Sasuke managed to leave Naruto shortly after. He realised belatedly that Naruto's alleged lunch break was most likely him entirely skipping out on whatever lessons Kakashi was torturing him with and he had made Sasuke an involuntary accomplice in his childish escape.

That dobe…

Sasuke wasn't entirely sure what to do with himself now. He didn't feel ready to go back to the ryokan and strangely he didn't seem quite ready for going back to his childhood home and inquire into the extent of the restoration efforts. Not yet, anyway.

Walking through the cobbled streets of Konoha, Sasuke couldn't help but zero in on the stares and inquisitive glances. Generally, he was quite immune to the attention, negative or otherwise. His travels had hardened him into a wanderer that deeply understood the price he had to pay for his choices and part of his penance was enduring questions, anger, hatred, and even violence.

Somehow, it was harder to stomach now that he was back in Konoha.. Maybe it was because he could recognise some of the faces-classmates from the academy, neighbours, comrades…..or even past enemies. Either way, his discomfort coiled with mounting regret.

Atoning for his sins seemed easier when he was further way and perhaps that meant his redemption was insincere. Was he really forging ahead if he had to completely forget and be away from any and all reminders of his past?

"Sasuke-kun?"

She was wearing her lab coat, her striking pink hair tied in a flimsy, hurried bun atop her head. Her new longer hair suited her, not that he'd ever tell her as much. He could see the shock in her wide eyes, her free hand tightly secured around her work bag while the other was occupied with some take-out.

And amidst his observations, he couldn't tell if she was happy to see him or not. That was one thing that he could always count on and now-

"I'm just leaving work!" Sakura explained, smiling softly. She had obviously sensed his discomfort. He nodded, kicking a stray pebble out of frustration as she bounded toward him. He wasn't quite sure what to say to her now-now that they we're friends.

"What have you been up to?" She continued, nervously tucking wayward strands behind her ear.

"I had lunch with the dobe," He replied, "and your other teammate. The ex-ROOT?"

Sakura snorted, "Sai? Goodness, that must've been strange for you."

He eyed her curiously and added, "Naruto said you couldn't make it to the lunch."

He wasn't sure what compelled him to ask but he had to know. What did being friends really mean? Did she want distance from him? Was she angry? Sakura had been his teammate, admirer, enemy…..but never a friend. He didn't know why he was so concerned with getting to the bottom of it but he was sure her extending that offer of friendship was because she was unhappy with whatever else he was able to offer. Could've offered.

Would've…

"There were two back-to-back surgeries today," Sakura murmured, gazing ahead of him, through him, "I would've loved to be there. I-I should've been there. I'm…"

He couldn't fight the involuntary smile as Sakura palmed her face, giggling from sudden realization.

"I'm not going to apologise!" Sakura sassed, a rueful smile on her lips, "I keep my promises."

Not all of your promises….

"Don't worry about it," Sasuke muttered abruptly, his right hand securely in his pocket. Sakura was still grinning warmly at him and the sudden feeling of shyness was so unexpected that he had the slightest urge to run back to the ryokan.

But the desire to be with her now was far stronger. He would take whatever he could of Sakura, whatever she had to offer. He knew that intuitively that there was no point in him even trying to deny it. He had been unfair to her….selfish. He was in no position to ask for more, to even want more.

Perhaps this was his greatest price. Losing the one person he always thought would have him-no matter what.

"Anyway, how was lunch with them? Did you visit Kaka-sensei yet?"

They began walking aimlessly now. Sasuke deduced they were probably walking in the direction of her apartment but he didn't want to verbally confirm. She seemed less on edge, especially in comparison to their reunion and he warily feared that anything would unbalance their precarious interaction.

"Lunch was uncomfortable," Sasuke answered as Sakura's melodic giggles surrounded them. Clearly Sai being an invasive ass was par for the course.

"As for Kakashi," Sasuke continued, sighing, "Not yet. I'm probably going to get an earful for not seeing him straight away after my travels."

Sakura hummed in agreement. She was always a stickler for the rules.

"I'm sure there are a few security clearances you purposefully ignored," Sakura admonished, rolling her eyes good-naturedly, "But I'd get it over with sooner than later. Not to mention, Kaka-sensei would appreciate your insights on things."

Sasuke furrowed his eyebrows, "Like?"

"Well...from whatever I heard-you definitely travelled greater distances than some shinboi could ever dream of. You probably have a lot of valuable intel that would be great for Konoha. You did help us a lot you know-there have been so many situations that could've ended poorly if it weren't for you. You made a positive difference in Konoha, Sasuke-kun and it was definitely felt."

She had compared him to Konoha's Military Police Force hadn't she? It was that comment that had filled him with such comfort and gratitude. She just knew exactly what words to use-all this time, he thought he was atoning for his sins, half-heartedly trying to restore the once pristine name of the Uchiha clan….and Sakura viewed him as a protector.

She probably wasn't even aware that his true reason for returning was that he felt like it was finally enough, that he had made enough of a difference if likening him to those who stood for justice was possible.

"Sakura."

She peered at him, still rubbing her chin thoughtfully as she probably recalled all of the anecdotes other people relayed about him over the years. Here she was, ruminating over stories when she deserved letters penned by him. Endless letters and visits and gifts and more than just one night and now-

Sasuke grabbed her shoulder, snapping her out of her reverie. After all this time, he at least owed her an explanation.

"I should've wrote to you more," Sasuke began, unable to look at her now. He was afraid of what he would see in her painstakingly honest eyes. He had none of her bravery or the finesse to properly explain himself but he soldiered on, ignoring the sudden lump in his throat.

"I should've….I wasn't fair to you. I'm sure you were expecting to hear from me but-"

"Sasuke-kun" Sakura interjected, tutting, "This sounds like an apology."

"Well, it is," He returned gruffly.

He watched in fascination as her face reddened, hands twisting behind her back as her eyes shimmered. It's been awhile since he's seen that face.

"I'm glad. I think-I think I needed to hear that," Sakura breathed, nodding softly.

He wasn't sure what to make of that comment. He wasn't even able to explain to her that it wasn't a choice on his part for not communicating…..that he was completely undeserving while she deserved it all. And more.

How could what he said now possibly be enough?

"We're making progress," Sakura announced cheerfully, and suddenly her arms were around his waist, pulling him tightly toward her. He could smell the faint mint shampoo of her hair, her small hands shaking as she caressed his back. Her heart was hammering against his chest, and he steadied his own breath so that he wasn't choking from the whiplash of it all.

He wasn't sure if he would ever be getting a hug from her again. This fragile, delicate moment between them didn't even seem real.

"I'm so happy you're home," Sakura whimpered into his chest, her hands now gripping the front of his shirt, haphazardly trying to hide her tears. He awkwardly wondered how she could withstand the smell of him, realizing he never did get the chance to wash his clothes.

He turned away from her, inadvertently brushing his cheek against her soft, pink tendrils. He suppressed the urge to sigh, breathe her in and to nuzzle even deeper into her.

And then it hit him, like kunai to the chest. That warm, comfortable thread winding in his stomach and snaking around his heart...

That mounting mix of anticipation and slight unease pooling in his stomach….

...but most of all happiness.

a/n: woo! It was tough writing this chapter from sasuke's POV. idk if i even did a decent job, writing newly redeemed, introspective sasuke has been quite the task. I'm deciding if i should do back and forth POVs but i'm still tentatively deciding what'll work best.

welp, you guys can look forward to pining!sasuke for most of this fic lmaoo and he has no damn reason to pine cause he's a stunted mess but we 3 revenge on sakura's behalf, don't we?

Thank you for the follows, reviews, and favs! I appreciate it any and all feedback as i'm still quite rusty.

much love!