I love you, you idiot. Part 3.
This is Tsuna's part in the story, reliving how everything happened from his point of view. TW for self-destructive thoughts and actions, attempted suicide, and a lot of self-abuse.
Tsuna was just 18 when the man he loved told him he was loved in return. Thoughts of Tsuna never actually getting Reborn to love him back held him in disbelief, and he asked what Reborn meant, and what was wrong because there really couldn't be any way the man had real feelings for Tsuna. But then Reborn kissed him, hard, and he looked so hurt when Tsuna couldn't get his body to work with him for once in his life and then the thoughts came back.
'I'll never be enough for him.' And 'This can't be real; I'm hallucinating again.' And 'No one can love you until you love yourself.' The last one was one that he had been told by other people, and it was the strongest thought in his head. So, he asked Reborn to give him time, time so he could learn to love himself and make himself someone worthy of love – let alone the love of the such an amazing, breathtaking man. And of course, time for Reborn to come to his senses and remember he was Dame-Tsuna, a being unworthy of love from anyone.
Reborn left Tsuna sitting on the floor, and once Tsuna was sure he was alone, he cried. How could he ever possibly level up to what Reborn thought he was? It was an impossible task he had given himself, and not for the first time, Tsuna thought of ending his life, if only just to do something right.
The few years were up.
Tsuna could feel the fear building in his chest as his Intuition told him how close Reborn was getting to his office.
Ten meters.
Tsuna wasn't ready to let the man love him. He still had so much work to do on himself – he still wasn't what Reborn really wanted him to be! Sure he was a semi-successful leader, and apparently a good friend, but he still couldn't love himself. That meant Reborn couldn't really love him either, right?
Five meters.
With the panic building in his chest, Tsuna buried himself in his work, praying that seeing him actually doing what he should be doing would cause Reborn to pause, and maybe come back another day, give Tsuna a bit more time. But then Reborn was opening the main doors and he was walking over and oh good lord he looked like sex walking.
Tsuna wanted to drool. He wanted to give Reborn what he wanted. But then he remembered that he wasn't what Reborn wanted him to be – he wasn't even good enough for himself.
He couldn't be enough for Reborn.
So, even while to broke Reborn's heart, he still prayed that Reborn would try again, come back again, or hell – just take Tsuna on the desk despite what he was saying! But no. Reborn excepted all of Tsuna's lies and left Tsuna there to cry alone, once again.
Tsuna was not ok.
He was standing at Reborn's side, smiling bright, acting so happy for his favourite person while Reborn was nearly giddy with restrained hope and love. Not that any of it was for Tsuna – because Reborn moved on. He found someone else to light his world, and Tsuna was sure this was a man that would help Reborn become a better person, someone who could really love Reborn with all his heart as the hitman deserved.
Reborn was getting married today, to a man that loved Reborn the way Tsuna couldn't.
And Tsuna was not ok.
Despite how Tsuna had rejected the man, twice, and lied to him just to break his heart, Tsuna was so painfully in love with Reborn, and he had hoped and prayed that the magnificent man would see past Tsuna's charade and keep trying… but Reborn did what was best for him and left to find someone better. Tsuna couldn't hold that against him, and he certainly couldn't hold blame at the man that replaced him. Reborn was an amazing man and Tsuna knew that the other man would forever be loved.
And Tsuna was not ok with that.
As the other man walked down the aisle to meet with, and stand by his soon-to-be husband, Tsuna couldn't feel any resentment for him. Fon was an amazing man too, and the fact that Reborn and he had found each other was only further proof to Tsuna that he had done the hitman a favour by lying to him. Because Tsuna would never be what Reborn really wanted in a person, Tsuna was just a fraud. An impersonator of a stable human being.
A fake.
Tsuna shed a tear as Fon and Reborn exchanged vows and he clapped and smiled with everyone else when they kissed. He cheered and hollered when Reborn surprised his new husband and lifted the man into his arms while they kissed. And it almost broke Tsuna when Fon pouted and Reborn laughed.
Reborn laughed…
Tsuna was mentally sobbing, curled on the floor when Reborn met his eyes, and for a moment Tsuna thought the hitman could see right through his façade. But then Reborn smiled again and thanked Tsuna for being his best man.
He was alone again, and this was likely the most dangerous time for Tsuna to be alone. He was facing his worst enemy yet again, even more dangerous than Xanxus or Byakuran or even the man in the iron hat. This enemy had been there for all of them, fighting with them against Tsuna, and it had been there from the beginning, before Reborn.
Tsuna pressed the cold, blunt barrel of the gun to his temple and sobbed again. Sitting on bathroom floor of the hotel Reborn and Fon had reserved for the wedding, he knew he hit his own lowest point. He could see Giotto again, looking down on him with pity and grief and Tsuna hated that expression so much.
Tsuna's greatest enemy and threat was himself.
'Tsunayoshi, my child. Why have you called me again?'
"I didn't call you." Tsuna mumbled, still sobbing and crying desperately. He wanted so badly to just pull the trigger, to end his own pathetic existence but he was far too cowardly to do anything. He lowered the gun just to raise it again, fully prepared to pull the trigger, but as always, Giotto interrupted. He placed his ghostly hand over Tsuna's and helped Tsuna set it down and let go. They were quiet for a moment longer as Tsuna attempted to clam his tears. He focused on his ring, watching it shine and taking in the warmth from the residual flames of his ancestor, and came upon a realization. If he took the ring off, he could stop Giotto from interrupting him again.
He lifted his hands up to remove the heirloom and his hallucination placed his own hands over Tsuna's.
'How many times have I stopped you now?' Tsuna shrugged.
"I can't remember." The hallucination sighed.
'10 times. 11 now. How many times did you stop yourself before I was able to?'
"4." Tsuna's lips trembled and more tears spilt down.
'Tsuna, you have to get help!'
Tsuna ripped the ring from his finger and chucked it across the room, listening to it hit the wall as the word 'help' echoed in his ears. Giotto was gone with the ring, just as Tsuna had thought. There was silence, true genuine silence and Tsuna hated it so much.
He lifted the gun again and brought it to his head, his grip shaky and tight. He wasn't sure how long he was sitting there, but suddenly his door was being broken down, the one to the main hotel, not his bathroom. But he knew he was caught when he heard his storm, rain, and sun guardian's shout for him.
He couldn't pull the trigger, even if he had the courage. Not now that they would find him and think it their fault for not coming in sooner. He dropped the gun as Gokudera burst in, unable to meet those desperate eyes.
So…. Uhm…. yeah. This thing wasn't supposed to be this sad… haaaa R&R? please don't hate?