Author's Note:
Something you may notice is how I will jump around from referring to characters by their aliases as well as their real names. This is intentional. Rather than keeping the two separate, I wanted to show how interchangeable they are, especially when the characters refer to each other. Usually I like to be very particular with when I use them, but not for this story. I would say the only exception is when I refer to Roy and Jason. Obviously when the two are in uniform I am more likely to refer to them by their aliases. Thank you for reading my internal monologue, now on with the story!
~0~0~0~
"He fucking what?!"
"Friend Garfield, please," Starfire begged as the changeling paced angrily back and forth across the ops room of the Tower. His shoulders were tensed and his breath came out in loud puffs through his nostrils.
Raven stood away from him, obviously more composed, but her eyebrows furrowed with anger and sadness. Cyborg let out a string of curses from where his picture was featured on the monitor. Starfire had video called him since she had wanted all of her friends to be there when she told them the news. The real news. The news she hadn't gotten around to telling them yet.
"I can't fucking believe this," Beast Boy snapped, gripping his hair.
"Man's dead as shit if you ask me," Cyborg piped in, equally as outraged.
Starfire felt tears spring to her eyes. "Please Friends, it is not Dick's fault. I cannot make him love me. He has every right not to feel the same."
"That's not the point, Starfire," Raven said, her voice calm despite the anger on her face. "He should have been honest with you from the beginning."
"That bastard's been leading her on for years! And we let it happen right in front of us!" Cyborg raged.
"Dude, Rae, you're so right. The next time I see him I'm gonna claw his eyes out," Beast Boy growled.
Raven gave him a deadpan look. "Alright well, I don't endorse that."
"We gotta talk to him, Man, at least we gotta talk to him," Cyborg continued.
Starfire flew in front of the ops screen, clutching her hands. "Oh please do not! It would only make the situation worse." She flew down to look Beast Boy in the eye. "I beg both of you, please let Dick live out his life in peace."
Beast Boy stared her down for a few moments before deflating. Even from behind her, Starfire could hear Cyborg let out a sigh. "Alright Star, whatever you say."
Beast Boy scratched his head. "Yeah, I'll let it go, I guess. But I could have totally beat him up ya know."
Despite the situation Starfire let out a small giggle. Raven rolled her eyes affectionately at the changeling and whacked the back of his head lightly. Beast Boy chuckled and wrapped his arm around her shoulders. Starfire watched the two curiously. Perhaps all chances of love were not gone from the world.
"Hey Kory, if you ever need anything just say the word," Cyborg mentioned, and she turned around to give her cybernetic friend a small smile.
"There is something else I would ask of all of you, Friends," Starfire continued, her stomachs unfolding into nerves as she prepared to tell them her decision.
"Anything," Raven told her, followed by Beast Boy and Cyborg's noises of agreement.
Starfire took a deep breath. The words were on her lips. She could feel them there. Yet when she opened her mouth to speak, she found she could not. Instead she pulled what Cyborg and Beast Boy would call "the cop out."
"Join me for a splendid dinner of the pizza sometime?" she asked weakly.
Cyborg laughed. "You bet on it, Girl. Next time I'm in Jump we'll go. My treat."
"Oh no, if you're paying you're just gonna order meat for the table!" Beast Boy accused, coming to stand in front of the screen.
"Damn straight, Green Bean!"
As the two male heroes engaged in verbal banter, Starfire flew over to the kitchen. Funny, she would have thought after Dick's rejection she would not have been able to fly. Instead she just felt empty.
She reached over to grab a glass, filling it with water. Her hand shook as she swallowed the liquid. She could still feel her powers beating against her entire being. She knew all she had to do was let go, and she would no longer feel the emotional heartbreak. She struggled against these urges, knowing she couldn't succumb. She wouldn't succumb.
"I'm not going to ask if you're okay," Raven said softly, making Starfire jump, "but I know there's something you aren't telling us."
The Tamaranean whipped around, a false smile on her face. As she met Raven's unconvinced expression, however, she sobered. Sighing, she swallowed down more tears. She glanced past Raven's shoulder and, noting Beast Boy and Cyborg were still involved in their banter, decided now was the time to tell her female friend.
"I cannot stay here, Raven," she whispered, so softly that Raven leaned in a little.
"In the Tower?"
"On Earth."
Raven's eyes widened slightly. "Starfire-"
"You more than anyone should know the strain emotions of turmoil can place on one's powers," Starfire explained feebly. "I am not whole; I may never be whole again as long as I am here. Tamaranean emotions, we-" she paused, not knowing how much she should let Raven know, if she didn't know already, due to her empathetic abilities. "I cannot be on the same planet as him."
She found she could not say his name.
Starfire expected Raven to protest, to say she was being dramatic even, but she did not.
"I understand, Starfire," she murmured, her eyes shimmering with sadness.
"Oh, Raven," Starfire cried softly, flinging her arms around the empath. "You will tell the others in time?" she asked. "I do not believe I can find such strength to see the disappointment on their faces."
Raven hesitated, and then sighed. "If that's what you really want, I will." Starfire squeezed her friend tighter. "I still don't like hugs," she added, but she patted the taller girl on the back nonetheless.
~0~0~0~
That night, Starfire began to pack her things. It felt foreign, placing everything into bags, never to return. She paused halfway through packing as Silkie rubbed against her leg. She picked up her little bumgorf and held him tight. She sat on her bed and looked around her room.
No. She had to return. Someday. Dick may have been her love, but Earth was her home. She had to believe she would come back.
She held Silkie in front of her face. "Silkie, your K'Norfka must return to Tamaran for an unspecified period of time. Do you promise to behave and listen to K'Norfka Garfield?"
Silkie squirmed to and fro, releasing a chortled noise as well as a plethora of mucus.
Starfire held her larva close to her chest. "Oh! I will miss you so much my little bumgorf!"
After she had said her goodbyes to Silkie, Starfire opted to bring one small bag to Tamaran, a personal promise that her stay would not be permanent. She debated packing her Titans' communicator with her. On one hand, it could be a painful reminder of Dick, yet on the other hand, she did not want to lose communication with the other Titans. She finally decided to pack it.
By the time she had finished, it was early morning; the sun had not even risen. Floating into ops, Starfire placed herself in front of the monitor, preparing to call her own K'Norfka.
Galfore responded on the third ring. His massive face lifted into a huge smile when he saw her. Seeing Galfore, the person who had taken care of her all her life, was finally too much for her.
She broke down.
Galfore's expression immediately twisted into concern. "What is wrong, my little bumgorf?"
"Oh Galfore," Starfire sobbed. "It is not so simple to explain."
"Nonsense. Tell your K'Norfka."
Starfire exhaled a shuttering breath. "Nightwing does not love me."
Galfore's expression darkened. "My princess, rejected by a mere Earthling?"
"Please do not speak ill of him, Galfore. It is my own fault. I was blinded by my love for him. It has done the clouding of my judgment for years," she said despairingly, wiping tears from her eyes.
"Have you given him your heart, Little One?" Galfore asked, a new gentleness overtaking his voice.
Starfire gave a small nod, followed by another choked sob. "I wish to return to Tamaran. I cannot stay on Earth any longer."
"As you should. Your people will be waiting for you. Please, come home, Princess."
But I am already home, a small voice in her head told her. She ignored it.
"I shall leave at daybreak," Starfire announced, wiping her nose. "I shall join you soon, K'Norfka." She began to rise.
"Koriand'r, wait," Galfore warned, and Starfire halted. "Our people are fierce warriors, but we may become vulnerable when our eternal love is broken." He regarded her seriously. "Please tell me you have no intention of letting such terrible emotions consume you."
"Of course not, Galfore," she said, but found the words sounded hollow in her own ears.
Galfore nodded, not seeming entirely satisfied. "I shall see you soon, my little bumgorf. May your flight be free from intrusions." The transmission ended.
Starfire stared at the blank screen for a few more moments before rising. There was one final thing she had to do. Clutching her bag and slinging it over her shoulder, she flew down the hallway and up through the hatch in the Tower's ceiling, coming to rest on the roof.
She sat down by the edge and stared past the water, squinting as the first morning rays began to poke up. She would sit here with Dick most mornings, when he was with the Titans.
Not Dick, Robin, she corrected herself.
They were so young back then. She had felt so free, so happy with the love of her friends, with the love of her new planet, and for him. How much of her love of Earth had come from him? Starfire found it terrified her to think about such a notion.
When the crest of the sun finally broke over the horizon, bathing her in morning light, she rose. She was thankful she had said goodbye to Raven the night before. She hoped her other friends would forgive her in time. Besides, she would see them again. Maybe not soon, but definitely again.
Taking one final breath, she launched herself into the air, feeling the cool wind whip her hair against her cheek. She felt the warmth of her powers thrum in time with the horrible constrictions of her chest. As she broke the atmosphere she let out a breath, and she gasped when she discovered the tiny droplets of her tears floating beside her in space.
She glanced back at Earth. Oh, how she wanted to return there already, but she knew she could not. Her pain was too great. It was tearing her apart; crushing her chest and making her nine stomachs feel sick.
The pain was great. Too great. She let out a sharp gasp of pain as her powers beat against her again and again. Her chest was on fire, she could not scream, could not breath, could not live another second. Not like this.
So she let go.
Tamaraneans are always connected to their emotions. Their powers, their abilities, their entire beings depend on the nature of their hearts. And hers was broken. In order to survive, Starfire let go of all the pain, the feelings…and the memories.
A blank slate.
When she came to, she was miles from Earth, and she was confused. How had she ended up here? Had she been running from something?
You were taken prisoner, she remembered. Yes, that was it. The Gordanians had planned to take her to the Citadel, where she would have served her days as a prize and a slave. She shuddered at the thought. No matter. Now she was free. She was free to return to her home.
Oh it must look so wonderful, she thought, her chest filling with excitement and joy as she flew faster, eager to return to her home world. My K'Norfka will be overjoyed to see me!
In a matter of hours her feet touched down on rough sand, and her eyes glanced up at the beautiful orange and pink sky. She had waited months, no years to return to this place. And now that she was back, she was never leaving.
She approached the palace gates and immediately fell into speaking Tamaranean. She was surprised with herself at first, for the words seemed to come out a little ungracefully, as if she were out of practice. After a few moments she regained her eloquence, and the guards bowed before her.
"Princess Koriand'r," one of them said, "welcome home."
Koriand'r smiled.
The princess flew throughout the palace, marveling at the changes to the interior since her last visit. Along the way she heard some of the guards mention that they should alert 'Grand Ruler Galfore,' and Koriand'r beamed with pride. Galfore must have ruled Tamaran in her and her sister's absences. How extraordinary! She had never really fashioned herself as Grand Ruler, but she had always found her K'Norfka had possessed the qualities necessary to be a great leader. If he were the new Grand Ruler then she would proudly serve under him as his ambassador.
Suddenly overcome with the desire to be reunited with her caretaker, Koriand'r burst into the throne room with a girlish squeal. Galfore rose from his throne immediately, his face overjoyed. It struck Koriand'r odd for a moment that he did not seem surprised by her sudden arrival, but she let the thought dissipate as she leapt into his arms. She laughed with joy as he tickled her all over, the same way he had done when she was a small child. They engaged in playful, warrior shouting, but they could not keep up the charade for long and in a matter of moments they held each other in a strong hold.
"Oh Galfore, it is glorious to finally see you again," Koriand'r gushed, finally letting go of her adoptive father.
"I am glad you have arrived safely, Princess," Galfore said, his eyes crinkling with joy. "The people of Tamaran will be pleased to have their princess back."
"I will do my best to serve them well," Koriand'r told him, "but as your ambassador."
Galfore raised his eyebrows. "Ambassador, Young One? Are you sure?"
Koriand'r nodded. "I will proudly serve under your rule, Galfore. Please, tell me, how long have you been Grand Ruler?"
Koriand'r watched curiously as Galfore stiffened, and then his eyes scanned over her suspiciously, and then sadly. "For quite some time, Koriand'r," he said softly, his tone suddenly somber as he regarded her.
Koriand'r wanted to ask why Galfore was filled with such sadness, but her own elation at being home overshadowed the curiosity she had.
She yawned, realizing how tired she was from her journey. "I believe I am in need of a most lengthy slumber. May I retire to my bedchamber, Grand Ruler?" Koriand'r asked, a mischievous glint in her eye.
Any concern in Galfore's eyes faded almost at once, for he too, seemed overjoyed that she had at last returned. "Of course, Princess. Right this way."
Koriand'r took in a deep breath of awe when she arrived to her room. It had been so long since she had been in her own bedchamber. Everything looked pristine, untouched. The silken sheets and curtains, the stone balcony, the exotic plant life imported from southern Tamaran, everything was perfect.
She collapsed into her bed, making sure to cradle her neck in its intended slot so she could drape her head over the side. Feeling the blood pool in her cranium, she began to relax. She could not wait for this new chapter in her life to start.
~0~0~0~
"I thank you for hosting me on behalf of the Grand Ruler, General," Koriand'r said, nodding her head to General Phy'zzon of southwestern Tamaran. He had deep orange skin and an impressive white mane. His body was sculpted in ways that represented a fine warrior; his eyes held the determined and intimidating glare of a Tamaranean leader.
"The pleasure is all mine, Princess. It brings us great honor that the Grand Ruler should send his ambassador to discuss an issue as imperative as solar sustenance technology," General Phy'zzon replied, his features warm.
Koriand'r returned his smile. Almost three months had passed since she had arrived to Tamaran, and she felt as though she had finally found her place. This was her first time traveling outside the palace and to discuss new technology for a Tamaranean self-charging power source of all things! She felt more useful than she ever had growing up in the palace.
"Have your technicians been supplied with the resources they need?" Koriand'r questioned as she flew beside the General. After a moment she remembered herself and dropped down to walk beside him. If she were to be an ambassador it wouldn't do to be floating about during a professional meeting.
"The Grand Ruler has been very accommodating in terms of resources. I would like to request on behalf of my region to send a few more hundred temporary workers to assist in finishing these complicated mechanisms," he sent her a dashing smile.
Koriand'r blinked. She had expected the General to be stiff and unfeeling, yet he was warm and kind and awfully charming, which was dangerous when making negotiations. She felt a small fluttering in her chest at his smile and she pushed down such thoughts. Her duties as an ambassador came first.
"Surely your region's people can manage with only a hundred more additional workers?" she inquired politely. "A couple hundred does seem excessive given there are other priorities which need competent workers, yes?"
"With all do respect, Princess, solar sustenance technology will be enormously valuable to the Grand Ruler's military. With such machinery our warriors would be able to recharge instantaneously, rather than wait for the sun's rays to touch them," General Phy'zzon argued.
Koriand'r lifted her chin. "I am well aware of the technology's purpose. That being said, the protection of our planet is of the utmost priority. We certainly cannot allow hundreds of capable warriors to completely drop their duties, for would that not defeat the purpose of having equipped warriors at all times of the day and night? One hundred and fifty more workers. You will receive no more."
The General regarded her in surprise, and Koriand'r tried not to feel too pleased with herself for impressing him.
"Forgive me, Princess. I have misjudged you." He bowed his head to her. "I can indeed manage with one hundred and fifty workers. Please let the Grand Ruler know I am grateful for his generosity."
"I shall," Koriand'r responded. She held out her hand. "We shall keep in contact."
General Phy'zzon stared at her outstretched hand in confusion. Koriand'r glanced down at her own appendage, bewildered at the foreign gesture. By the look on the General's face, the man clearly thought something was wrong with her, and perhaps he was right. Koriand'r hastily retracted her arm before she further embarrassed herself. General Phy'zzon gave her one last bow, and she flew away, wondering what in X'hal's name had gotten into her.
~0~0~0~
Author's Note:
Starfire does have her memory allegedly wiped in the "Outlaws" comic. I believe this has to do with her heartbreak over Dick's rejection, so this is what I included here. She will meet the Outlaws soon, patience my children.
Also, Koriand'r was married twice before she met Dick. Once to Karras for a peace treaty, and once to General Phy'zzon out of love. Clearly I'm playing with the timeline here. We won't see much more of General Phy'zzon, but I thought it important to include him. Hmm…perhaps Galfore worries for Koriand'r will eventually cause him to send her on a special "mission" to jog her memory…?