The Roy Mustang Guide To Pretending Everything's Normal

Roy considered himself to be able to do a great number of things correctly and well. He was a military man, after all.

Maybe the reason he was having trouble doing his work today, though, was that Riza Hawkeye was sitting right in the next room. It helped some that he could not see her, but then it made him wonder what she was doing.

He groaned and wilted onto his desk. "I just can't win…" he whined. "Maybe I should take a break…"

IN THE ADJOINING ROOM

Havoc was at his wit's end. He really wanted details, but Riza was very able to deny any goings-on with a straight face. It was downright unnerving.

As he opened his mouth to flat-out accuse, he heard a familiar click that signaled trouble.

"Second Lieutenant Havoc, you're annoying me. A lot."

Havoc sighed. "I didn't want it to have to come to this," he began threateningly.

"To come to what, exactly?" Riza did not bother glaring. Whatever it was, it would not work.

"You'll see after lunch," was his only response.

AFTER LUNCH

Stringent as she could be, Riza would not deter the men from after-lunch chats unless said chats lasted longer than an hour. She enjoyed listening, and it made it easier to pay attention and know what the question being asked of her was.

When she got back to the office, the only person there was Roy, and he was not really doing anything. Something was up.

"You didn't drag them back?" he asked.

"They left before me," she replied.

A knock sounded on the door.

As was her duty, Riza went to open the door. A cute little brunette with a bust that had to cause her back pain rushed in, sending Riza back a step so that she was not run over.

"I can't believe I've finally got a chance at you!" she screamed, hanging herself over Roy. "You're just as perfect as I'd imagined!"

Roy was having a hard time prying her off. This girl's grip was strong. She could not be a normal human! "Um… do I know you? And would you please get off me?"

"No, and no!" she chirped. "I'm Meghan Lind."

"And what brings you here?" Riza asked coolly.

"Can'cha tell? Or are you just that out of it? Perfect guy right here!" Meghan squealed. "I can't wait to go out tonight!"

Roy looked confused. "Wait… what?"

Meghan let go and stepped back. "You are taking me out tonight, aren't you?"

"Not that I'm aware of," Roy admitted.

"But you're free, aren't you?" Meghan looked confused. "I thought you were. I haven't seen you with any girls lately, so I just assumed…"

"Well, I'm not free," Roy told her. "I've got someone."

Meghan stamped her foot and pouted, only serving to make her look ridiculous. "Who is it, then?"

"Is my life really that out in the open?" Roy was getting annoyed. "Who says you're going to get to know? It's not you, so I don't see why I should tell you."

Meghan backed toward the door. "I see… I didn't know that the women in Central weren't enough for you. I guess that explains a lot about why you're so popular with them!" She rushed out, sobbing.

Roy and Riza turned to exchange glances when laughter echoed in from outside the room. Suddenly, Meghan's loud shriek, a SMACK!, and Havoc's very distinctive, "OW!" floated in, followed by more laughter.

It all became clear then.

TEN MINUTES LATER

When everyone had had a chance to explain their part in all of the events, Roy decided their punishment.

He did not tell them beforehand, of course.

Riza had quietly moved over by the door, so as to get out of the way. She had seen the way his hand had twitched, and that could mean only one thing…

The men's screaming put Meghan's to shame, and they all walked out that day sporting blackened hair and a few other lessons.

When Maes asked Riza and Roy, who did not have injuries and thus had to remain in the office, what had happened, Roy smiled. "They decided to play with fire. They got burned."

"That's not the entire story, is it?" Maes wondered aloud. "I don't suppose you're going to tell me what happened, either." He sighed and walked out. "G'night, and Roy, if that shrieking earlier had anything to do with this, make sure that's not your wife!"

"Don't worry, Maes!" Roy called after him. "Way ahead of you!"

"So, are you prepared to face that now?" Riza asked. "Honestly, I was just waiting for something like it to happen."

"That explains why you didn't step in more than you did," Roy muttered. "I needed the help, you know."

Riza raised her eyebrows. "Wouldn't that give it all away?"

Roy smirked. "I think most people would be too shell-shocked to remember. According to Havoc-"

Putting a hand up to stop him, Riza stated, "I get it. I don't want to, but, being around you so much, I get it."

"Aren't you glad you're around me so much?" Roy tried to give her puppy eyes.

Riza sighed. "I suppose I am, now don't pout. Anything but pouting, please."

The smirk returned. "Anything?"

"Within reason," was the reply.

"Screw 'within reason'," Roy whispered as he leaned in.

Allowing him to kiss her for no more than the blink of an eye, Riza pulled away. "No you don't. Not in plain sight, you don't."

Roy looked toward the corner of the office, but got a glare in response. "Fine. Your house. Half an hour. Good?"

With an all-too-innocent grin, Riza grabbed her coat. "Excellent." She walked out the door.

Not wanting to break this deadline, Roy grabbed his coat and hurried after her. Maybe he could get a ride…

END

A/N: If there is a Meghan Lind out there, I didn't mean to take your name, I swear! I just made her up on the spot.

And, if any of your minds are in the gutter after this one, GET THEM OUT! I DIDN'T MEAN THE LAST FEW LINES THAT WAY! Sorry, but I have two older brothers, a lot of guy cousins, and a few guy friends. I know what can happen when you hear one thing and assume another.