March:

Ava's arm was healing right on schedule, but Santana had taken quite a few days off of work to take care of her before she could go back to school. In exchange for it, she promised her boss that she'd work late one night a week for the next month. She didn't like not having dinner and being there for bedtime with the kids but Brittany had agreed to have them alone for one night a week and Santana couldn't exactly say no to her boss after she'd been so accommodating to Santana with all of the working from home and the time off.

One night that Santana was stuck at work late would have been Cassidy's birthday. All day, Santana was preoccupied with the idea that she probably would have been watching the kids that night so John could take Cassidy out, how they would have done something over the weekend—one night with her, one night with Brittany—but most of all, how her friend shouldn't be dead because she was so young and she was supposed to have her whole life ahead of her. She was supposed to watch her kids grow up, she was supposed to be there to be in Santana's wedding when she finally found someone that she could ever possibly love as much as she loved Brittany, she was just…supposed to live.

Santana found herself crying in the car as she finally drove home at eight o'clock at night. Sobs wracked her body in the Midtown Tunnel and she felt like she was going to explode. It had actually been a really stressful day of work and that, coupled with the grief she was feeling just made her break down. She had to focus on the road ahead of her and she managed to wipe her eyes, stop her chest from heaving and just drive. When she pulled in the driveway, the lights were off in the kids' rooms and she crept into the house. She expected that Brittany would have gone upstairs herself, but instead, she found her sprawled out on the couch with a glass of wine and the bottle on the coffee table.

"Britt…any. Are you okay?"

"I'm just fine." Brittany slurred. "Just fine that Cass is dead and it would have been her birthday."

"Are you drunk?" Santana picked up the bottle and realized that most of it was gone.

"'S none of your business. You're not the boss of me."

"I'm not trying to be the boss of you, I'm just trying to make sure you're okay."

"No, I'm not okay." Brittany started to cry. "I haven't been okay since they died."

"I…me neither." Santana wasn't sure what else to say, so she just commiserated with her.

"You can finish the wine if you want."

"I'm good. If I drink, I'm not going to be able to function."

"I don't want to function. I just want to curl up and disappear tonight. I didn't want to take care of the kids, I didn't want to have to answer calls from everyone who knew her, I just wanted to be by myself and not feel anything."

"Brittany." Santana didn't move closer to her, though she really wanted to. "I really didn't know you were feeling this bad."

"We're not exactly friends."

"No. But…we're something. If we have to be part of each other's lives, you may as well know that you can come to me. Your wellbeing is the kid's wellbeing and if you're having this hard of a time…"

"I don't want to have a serious conversation tonight." Brittany shook her head. "I just want to be drunk and feel like nothing hurts."

"Brittany—"

"Leave me alone, Santana."

Santana didn't want to leave Brittany alone, even though she may have wanted it that way, so she turned on the TV and just tried to appear like she was paying serious attention to what was going on with whatever show was on. Santana completely understood how Brittany felt, how she hurt so badly that she just wanted to black out, but that didn't mean she thought that it was a great idea. She worried about what Brittany would be like in the morning, she worried about whether she'd be able to sleep from sadness. She just worried, even though she knew she had no right. Brittany wasn't her problem, Brittany didn't want to be her problem, but still, old habits died hard and just sharing a space with her made Santana feel like she had…some kind of right.

Eventually, Santana got so tired that she left Brittany sprawled out on the couch and went upstairs. Brittany hardly said goodnight to her and Santana sighed heavily. Maybe it would have been easier getting through the death of John and Cassidy if they'd had each other to lean on, but they were both alone in the world, just trying to get by. Santana peeked into Ava's room and saw her laying with her arm above the comforter. She tucked it a little further up to her chin and then kissed her on the forehead, murmuring goodnight. When she went into JJ's room, she saw him asleep on his stomach in his crib and she felt tears spring to her eyes, realizing that he would never remember his parents, that she and Brittany would be the only thing he ever knew. She brushed his soft dark hair away from his face and rubbed his back before retiring to her own bedroom.

She woke up to Ava standing at the side of her bed, like she usually did, and she pulled back the covers so she could crawl in. Looking at the clock, she knew that she still had a half an hour before she had to get up and she enjoyed her morning snuggles with the little girl. When JJ started to cry in his crib, she went to get him and carried him down the stairs with Ava trailing behind to start breakfast. Getting down there, she saw that Brittany had passed out on the couch and she took a deep breath. She probably shouldn't have left her down there the night before, but what was she going to do? She just put JJ in his high chair and started making eggs. She knew Brittany was going to be hurting after how much wine she'd drank, but she was an adult and Santana had to let her do her own thing.

"Why's Aunt Brittany sleepin' on the couch?" Ava asked.

"I think she was super tired last night, kiddo." Santana answered, filling JJ's cup with milk and getting Ava some juice. "We'll let her sleep for a little while and I'll drive you guys to school today."

It was one of the days that Santana was working from home, so she dropped Ava at school and JJ at daycare and when she came home, Brittany was sitting up on the couch with her head in her hands. Santana wasn't sure she should say anything, so she just went into the kitchen with her laptop and started to work. Brittany stumbled into the kitchen looking for coffee and Santana pointed to the pot.

"I'm sorry." Brittany murmured. "It's late."

"You had a rough night, don't worry about it."

"I called in sick to work. I'm just going to go up to my bedroom and die for a little while and then I'll get the kids this afternoon and make dinner."

"It's fine, if you don't feel up to it, I'll be done with what I have to do by four o'clock, I can get them."

"Did I talk to you last night?"

"Not really. You told me you didn't want to have a serious conversation."

"I didn't." Brittany shook her head. "I still don't."

"That's fine, we don't have to."

While Brittany went upstairs, Santana sat at her computer making calls. One of her clients had a big movie premiere coming up and she was working to clean up her image a little. It was a kids' movie and the actress had partied a little too hard, meaning Santana had a lot to do before the premier to make sure she looked squeaky clean. It just seemed like no matter what Santana did, the starlet would do something to counteract all of her work and it made her want to scream. But she was getting something done at least, she wasn't thinking about Brittany sleeping upstairs, not really at least. Around one though, Brittany came back downstairs, looking like she'd just showered and Santana looked up from her computer screen.

"I'm going to order a burger. Do you want one?"

"Yeah, I guess I may as well eat. I'll have—"

"Cheeseburger with mushrooms, onions and bacon?"

"Uh huh." Santana smiled a little, surprised that Brittany still remembered her order. "Let me get my wallet."

"It's fine, I got it. Tuesday is my morning with the kids and you took over, the least I can do is buy you lunch."

"Well thanks."

Santana went back to work while she waited for the food to come and Brittany put away the breakfast dishes. It was so odd for them to occupy the same space but be so emotionally distant, but they were doing what they had to do to get by. When the food arrived, Santana closed her laptop and pushed it to the center of the table while Brittany unpacked the bag, passing Santana her burger and fries. She sat down across from her and they ate in silence for several minutes.

"I didn't mean to get that drunk last night." Brittany finally spoke. "I just…wanted to not think."

"I get it. The first week they were gone, I spent half of it with a bottle of wine in my bed. It just sucks and it doesn't feel like it's getting any easier. Ava's still crying all the time, I'm still trying not to cry all the time. I don't know."

"I'm thinking about going to grief counseling."

"Really?" Santana asked, surprised Brittany would confess that to her. "That's totally not for me."

"Yeah, I know. I know how you are…well, were." Brittany looked off into the distance. "I'm just trying to figure out where I'm going to fit it in with everything else."

"If it's something you need to do, just tell me when and I'll deal with all of the kid stuff."

"I don't expect you to do that."

"I know, but we have to be partners, Britt. I mean, Brittany. Sorry. Habit."

"It's fine. We're clearly not living by the rules we set forth in the beginning."

"To be fair, I didn't set the rules." Santana laughed a little.

"Don't make me laugh, I have such a killer headache."

"Listen, if we're breaking the rules, I have to ask you something. I have this movie premiere next month that I want to take the kids to, it's for the new Pixar movie and I didn't know if you wanted to come with us…"

"I don't know, Santana. That sounds like a bad idea."

"It's just a movie…"

"And last month it was just me sleeping on your shoulder in the hospital. I feel like the more we do the it's just, the stickier it gets. I don't want things to be sticky, I just want to function in the same space as you."

"Because you can't resist my undeniable sexual magnetism?"

"Shut up." Brittany laughed, holding her head as she winced. "We didn't work, Santana. When we start blurring the lines between raising the kids together and being involved in each other, someone is going to get hurt."

"It's not a marriage proposal." Santana blurted out, though she felt like a knife was stabbed into her heart the moment she said it. "Look, it's fine, you can have the night off and I'll take the kids to the thing, but I think Ava would like it if you came."

"Let me think about it, okay?"

"Okay, yeah."