May:
After the premiere, Santana made extra effort to keep her distance from Brittany. She still ate breakfast and dinner with the kids but after they were in bed, she watched TV in her room. Her feelings were way too complicated and she knew that Brittany no longer reciprocated them so she just didn't want to put herself in an uncomfortable situation. She couldn't imagine how she was going to survive this for another seventeen years and she wondered what would happen when one of them met someone and decided to get married. Would they have shared custody of the kids? Would she have to live with Brittany and her husband or wife? She started going back to her initial reaction to the new that John and Cassidy left the kids to them, that this was a terrible idea.
An argument between them came over Ava's ballet recital. Santana had a meeting that she absolutely couldn't miss at work and Brittany snapped at her that Ava's recital was more important and it was absolutely something she couldn't miss either. But Santana felt like her hands were tied and she told Brittany that she wouldn't be able to make it. Brittany was chilly to her for two weeks and Santana couldn't even be bothered to care. She felt terrible about doing that to Ava, but it was also easier for her to deal with Brittany when she wasn't trying to be friends. She still kept her end of her promise to Brittany, taking the kids when she went to grief counseling, but other than that, they barely interacted.
"Aunt Santana, you really can't come to my recital?" Ava pouted as she helped her get dressed for school.
"I'm sorry, kiddo. I have a meeting at work that I have to go to. But I'm sure Aunt Brittany will take lots of videos for me."
"That's not the same! You won't get to see me all dressed up for reals."
"I know, Aves. I really wish I could come, but I promise you, next year I'll be there."
"Next year's not even the same! I hate your dumb work!"
"Ava, you know you're not supposed to say hate."
"I don't care! I do hate it! You should be coming to my dance instead!"
"You know I want to be there more than anything."
"That's not true, if you did, you wouldn't go to work."
Because it was Brittany's day to drop the kids off, Santana kissed Ava, who was still mad, and JJ and got in her car to go to work. The whole day, she felt absolutely awful about the fact that she wasn't going to make it to the recital and she stewed in her office, wishing there was some way she didn't have to disappoint everyone. Just as she was getting ready for her meeting that evening, she looked down at her phone and saw that she had a text message from Brittany. It was a picture of Ava in her tutu and ballet shoes and the message that followed said She asked me to send you this. She said she wishes you were here.
Santana looked at the time on her phone and she knew that she could make it there if she rushed. For all her protests about her work meeting, she was hit with the realization that none of it mattered if she disappointed Ava. So she went into her boss' office and she lied. Never once in her life had she lied at work, but that time, she felt like there was no other option. She gave him the flash drive with her presentation and she told him that she wasn't feeling well. She was surprised that he didn't even argue with her, he just told her to go home and get some rest and she breathed a sigh of relief.
Sitting in traffic, Santana thought she was going to have a nervous breakdown. If she left work early and didn't actually make it in time to see Ava, she would have felt more awful than she already did. But luckily, traffic lightened up and she made it with enough time to stop and pick out flowers for her little dancer. She felt like she had some making up to her to do, because she'd made her think she wasn't going to come, and even if Brittany argued with her about it, she was going to take her out for ice cream when it was over.
When she got into the auditorium, she was surprised to see that there was an open seat next to where Brittany sat with JJ on her lap. Santana watched for a few moments as Brittany chattered away to JJ and it actually made her feel even more guilty, seeing how devoted Brittany was to these kids. Santana was trying, really, but she just didn't think she was ever going to be as good of a parent as Brittany was. Quietly, she sank down into the seat and Brittany turned around to look at her. Several beats passed where they didn't say anything, with Brittany just cocking her head to the side and looking at Santana.
"I knew you would come." She said. "That's why I saved you a seat."
"How did you know?"
"Because I know you love that kid more than anything. I remember how over the moon you were when she was born, and I just had a sneaking suspicion that you wouldn't let a meeting get in the way of you seeing her first dance recital."
"I almost did."
"She's going to be really happy that you're here."
"So are you done being pissed at me?"
"I'm still a little pissed it took you this long to figure out that this was really important to her, but you did, so that's what matters."
"I honestly don't know who was more mad, you or Ava."
"It was probably me, but when Ava told me that she was mad, I told her she shouldn't be mad at you."
"You didn't have to do that. I deserved it."
"You did." Brittany shook her head. "But she's a kid, she needs to know about forgiveness."
Santana watched with rapt attention as Ava danced on stage. At her age, it was nothing fancy, but she beamed up there, making Santana smile from ear to ear. She had no idea that Santana was in the audience and she wondered if it made her hurt inside thinking she didn't show up, but she was there, it was okay. When the show was over, Santana took JJ from Brittany and they went back into the room where the kids were waiting. Ava saw Santana and she launched herself at her, almost making Santana drop the baby as she flew in her direction. Brittany stepped in and took JJ, then knelt down to hug Ava as well.
"Aunt Brittany! You and Aunt Santana both got me flowers! My room is going to be so beautiful! And Aunt Santana came! She really came!"
"She did, didn't she?" Brittany smiled, looking at Santana out of the corner of her eye. "You did a great job!"
"I'm gonna keep dancing and be just like you." Ava proclaimed, spinning in a circle. Santana knew that Brittany was surprised, that she usually said that she wanted to be like Santana, but Brittany's reaction made her really happy. Despite everything, she really wanted Brittany to be happy, even if they couldn't be happy together.
They took Ava out for ice cream and even Brittany didn't argue about it. Santana shared her cone with JJ and Brittany maybe looked at her a little disapprovingly, but she didn't say anything. Santana sort of felt like everything was forgiven and she felt a little better about herself. Maybe she didn't totally deserve to be absolved after making everyone think she was a selfish asshole, but it still felt good that they had forgiven her.
It took a while to settle them down when they got home and Santana knew that the morning was going to be rough. Once she put Ava to bed, she walked down the hall to JJ's room and she stood outside, hearing Brittany dance around the room with him like she did every night. When she peeked in, it sort of took her breath away, seeing Brittany there rocking a baby in her arms with tears in her eyes. Whenever she felt alone in her grief, she didn't think about how Brittany was feeling it too, but like the night of Cass' birthday, that was a moment where she saw it.
"I know it's rough, little guy, but I'm really trying. You're not going to remember your mom and dad and I want you to know that you're going to have a good, happy life. Aunt Santana and I are going to make sure of it and I'm going to do everything in my power to be the best mom I can possibly be. I definitely didn't plan for this, but we're making it work, right?"
Feeling like she was intruding on something way too intimate, Santana stepped away from the door and went into her own room. She took a deep breath, went to her room to change into her pajamas and then she decided to go downstairs to watch TV. She'd just settled into the couch and turned on Food Network when she heard footsteps on the stairs but she tried not to turn her attention away from the television and onto Brittany.
"Are you in trouble at work?" Brittany asked, coming into the living room in a sweatshirt and yoga pants.
"I faked sick. I couldn't handle the idea of disappointing her."
"That's why I was so concerned about you not coming. I know how you are. I know that you beat yourself up when you make a choice that hurts someone else."
"Cass wouldn't have had to think about it."
"You're not Cass, Santana." Brittany sat down next to her, clearly conscious of keeping her distance from Santana. "But you're really good with the kids."
"Not as good as you. I think this comes much more naturally to you than it does to me."
"Are you kidding me? I had to read all of those parenting books to even have a clue. I always figured…never mind."
"What?" Santana raised an eyebrow, though she didn't know that she wanted to hear what Brittany had to say.
"Nothing…never mind."
"Okay. She was really good, by the way. Do you think you're going to move her to your studio?"
"That's not a decision I'm going to make on my own."
"I give you full permission to make all dance related decisions for Ava. And for JJ too, if he decides to dance." Santana grins, making Brittany smile. "I didn't ask you, how is grief counseling going?"
"It's helping." Brittany shrugged. "I'm glad I'm going. If you wanted to—"
"I don't. It's just not for me, but it's cool that it's working for you."
"I guess I should let you be. I just wanted to come down here and thank you for showing up."
"You don't have to go if you don't want to. I'm just watching Chopped, I know you used to like it."
"I still do." Brittany sat down and Santana moved over to give her some space. "You're sure you don't mind?"
"I know you don't like when I say it's just, but it's just a TV show."
"I'm actually going to make some popcorn." Brittany jumped up. "I'll be right back."
Brittany jumped up off the couch and Santana paused the show. She checked her messages on her phone, seeing one from Wendy that she quickly responded to. Because everything had been so hectic with work and the kids, she still hadn't had time to make up that cut-short date to her, but they texted fairly regularly and still flirted at work. Santana was definitely into her, but she realized that when Brittany was close by, it was hard to think about that. With a sigh, she pulled her legs up under her on the couch and leaned back, staring at the frozen image of Ted Allen on the screen. When Brittany came back, she grabbed the blanket off the back of the couch and wrapped it around herself before setting the bowl of popcorn between them to offer some up to Santana. Everything was fine until their hands brushed over the bowl and Santana felt sparks shoot up her arm. It was just a normal static shock, but she felt like it was a weird kind of sign and she couldn't figure out exactly what it was telling her.
"I think I should go to bed." Brittany stood up not long after that.
"Even before the dessert round? How are you going to miss the dessert round?"
"Your stellar logic definitely convinced me." She laughed, sitting back down. "So who do you think is going to win?"