October:
Santana and Brittany didn't talk about the almost kiss. Instead, they just went back to living their lives normally and getting the kids ready for Halloween. Santana didn't stop seeing Wendy either. Something about it didn't feel right, especially after Brittany almost kissed her, but she was so afraid of getting hurt again with her ex-girlfriend that she wasn't going to go down that road and she wasn't going to stop seeing someone who she had a good time with, even if she didn't really have any feelings for her. She could tell that Brittany was sort of jealous about it and she felt bad about it, but she just didn't know what to do about it while still protecting her own heart.
One night, she had a date and Brittany was in a really bad mood when she left. Santana tried to joke around with her, but Brittany just wasn't having it. She was serious about putting dinner on the table for the kids, serious about Ava doing her homework, serious about everything and Santana didn't want to mess with her when she was like that. She remembered in high school when everyone thought that Brittany was so happy go lucky, but they didn't see that she could have bad days just like everyone else, and sometimes catching Brittany on a bad day was way worse than catching Santana. She got so mad sometimes that Santana thought it had to do with the fact that she kept everything held so deep inside so she could appear cool, calm and collected.
"Are you okay?" Santana asked, genuinely concerned about how unhappy Brittany was. She didn't like seeing her sad, she didn't like that she was slamming kitchen cabinets and she couldn't help but think that maybe she was the cause of it.
"I'm fine."
"You don't sound fine."
"I don't sound like I'm anything. I'm just trying to get dinner on the table and JJ won't stop crying, that's it. It's been a really long week and I'm tired."
"Do you want me to cancel with Wendy so you can have a break?"
"Why would I want you to cancel with Wendy?" She snapped. "I've got things under control, just go and stop getting under my feet."
"Brittany."
"Seriously, I'm fine. We don't have to make a huge issue about it."
Santana's eyes widened, but she didn't argue with Brittany. She grabbed her purse and kissed the kids goodbye before getting into her car and driving to pick Wendy up for dinner. She would be lying if she said she didn't think about Brittany the whole way into Manhattan, but she was really trying not to do that. She was so wrapped up in the past sometimes that she couldn't enjoy the present and she had a date with a really pretty woman that she had to get to. Brittany was Brittany, even though they'd almost kissed, they were determined to be friends and just-friends didn't mean cancelled dates and trying not to make something happen with someone else.
Dinner was nice. That was the only way for Santana to describe it and she felt like she was describing all of her dates with Wendy like that. Nice. She remembered when she first started dating Brittany and everything was exhilarating. Their fingers would brush and Santana got chills, Brittany would kiss her and she'd be dying for more. But as she sat across from Wendy, she just…didn't feel any of that. The date sort of felt like it was dragging on a little and because Santana wanted to walk off the glass of wine she had before she got in the car, the date continued even longer. Wendy was a really nice woman, she deserved better than some lackluster enthusiasm about anything, but Santana just wasn't ready to stop seeing her and be totally single again, especially around Brittany.
When they finally got to the garage, Santana was shocked to find that it was closed. What kind of garage closed at 11:00 in New York City anyway? At first she was really pissed about it, and then she started to get concerned. She had to get home to get the kids in the morning, Brittany had an early class. Looking at her phone, she knew that it was too late to call Brittany, especially because of the mood she'd been in and she didn't even want to send her a text for fear of waking her up and pissing her off. She took a deep breath and looked at Wendy.
"This is fucking bullshit." Santana snapped, kicking the metal door to the garage with her heeled foot. The vibrations of the kick immediately went through her body and she shuddered, realizing that she might have actually hurt herself. "I really need to get home."
"I thought the kids are with Brittany, it's not like you're leaving them with a sitter."
"I have a routine. This is going to throw everything off in the morning."
"At least you can stay at my place tonight." Wendy smiled demurely.
"Thanks." Santana ignored the smirk that curled on Wendy's face and looked at her phone again, considering again whether or not she should call Brittany but remembering her slamming the cabinet doors and decided no once and for all. "I'll just get up early and be at the garage when they open at five."
Santana hailed a cab and Wendy gave the driver her address. When they got back to her apartment, Wendy went into the bedroom and came out wearing lingerie. It was right in that moment where Santana realized she couldn't do it anymore, couldn't pretend that things were working out with Wendy when she couldn't get Brittany off her mind. If she slept with her, it wouldn't be right and she squeezed the arm of the couch before sighing heavily. She hated having hard conversations, as evidenced by her whole life, but as she opened her mouth to talk, she realized that this was a lot easier than she actually expected.
"Wendy, I think we need to talk."
"I'd rather do something other than talk."
"I'm serious."
"I knew this was coming." She shook her head. "It's Brittany, isn't it?"
"It's just…complicated. But you deserve better than someone who can't be fully committed to you."
"I really like you, Santana. What was it about me that couldn't make you fall for me?"
"I know this is going to sound so cliché but it's really not you, it's me. I mean it when I say it's complicated with Brittany. I don't think we're ever going to get back together but living with her and raising the kids with her means I can't fully devote myself to someone else."
"So you're just going to be alone?"
"I'm not alone. I have a family now and although I never thought I'd say this, that might mean more to me than anything else. I mean honestly Wendy, let's be real. If things got serious with us, how comfortable would you feel about me living with another woman and raising kids with her? What would happen if we were to get married and you had to live with her?"
"For you, I might have been willing to make it work."
"I know." She pursed her lips. "Which is why I'm going to sleep on the couch tonight."
"So this really isn't going to happen?"
"No, Wendy, I'm sorry. But if it's any consolation, I had a lot of fun with you."
"It's not really, but thanks."
Wendy went into the bedroom and slammed the door and Santana felt totally uncomfortable having the stay there. For the whole night, she hardly slept. She tossed and turned on the couch and just wanted to get home. At 4:30, she woke up and splashed water on her face, wishing she had a toothbrush. When she felt a little awake, she went downstairs and got a cab to take her back to the garage. She was hoping that she could be home before anyone woke up, that there wouldn't be traffic, that maybe she could make breakfast for Brittany and the kids before she turned around and went back into the city. She hoped no one had noticed her missing, she hoped things wouldn't be weird when Brittany assumed that she slept with Wendy.
The whole way home, she thought about Brittany. She wondered if she was really willing to give them a chance. She wondered what Brittany would say if she brought up her birthday. Maybe it was just a fleeting thing, maybe it was just that circumstances had brought them back together and Brittany was feeling particularly emotional that day. Everything spun around in Santana's head and by the time she pulled into the driveway, she was a mess. Giving Brittany another try felt terrifying, but not being with Brittany felt worse. She'd never wanted to kiss someone as much as she'd wanted to kiss Brittany that night and though she'd pushed her away, she'd give anything for a second chance.
"So you just stay out all night and don't call?" Brittany snapped from the couch the moment Santana walked in the door. Santana was shocked that she was even up, but seeing JJ sitting on the floor, she realized he'd had a bad night of sleep. "Do you know how fucked up that is?"
"Brittany, I—"
"Save it, Santana. You're too busy fucking your girlfriend to care about the kids you're supposed to be raising."
"Are you fucking kidding me right now?" Santana got defensive and crossed her arms over her body, forgetting that she'd spent the whole drive home thinking about whether or not she and Brittany could make things work. "Why is it that you're always accusing me of things?"
"Oh, I don't know, because it's six o'clock in the morning and you're stumbling in wearing yesterday's clothes."
"Right, and I was cheating on you because I sounded distant."
"Why are you bringing up the past?"
"Because it's exactly the same situation, Brittany. You think you know what's going on and you actually have no idea."
"And yet once again, you're not denying it."
"I don't have to deny anything to you, you're not my girlfriend. I came home before the kids were supposed to be up, that's all the explanation I need to give you."
"You know what, fine."
"No, you know what. It's not fine. I can't do this." Santana shook her head, feeling utterly defeated by the same feelings she'd felt almost three years ago. "I can't sit here and pretend everything is great with you when this is a total disaster. This was all a big mistake."
"What was a big mistake?"
"Thinking that you can I could actually live together." She took a breath, realizing that this was about a million times harder than the conversation she'd had with Wendy the night before. With Brittany, everything was more intense, everything hurt more and she just knew that she couldn't be in the same house with her anymore.
"Well you made a commitment."
"I made a commitment to raise the kids. No one said I had to do it in the same house as you."
"One fight and you're ready to move out?"
"It's not even about the fight. It's about the fact that this whole arrangement has been stupid from the get go. I have too many complicated feelings for you and I don't want to do it anymore."
"So you're just going to walk away? Again?"
"The fact that you think I just walked away the last time shows how little you know."
"Then tell me, Santana. Do what you never did three years ago." Brittany challenged and Santana wanted to curl up into a little ball. The thoughts of three years ago when she stormed out of the apartment came rushing back to her and all she could think was that she shouldn't have let Brittany get this close, she never should have put herself in this situation again, even if it was for the kids.
"You know what? No. It's just not worth it."