Dating the Devil
the second announcing to others (x) not-so-helpful advice, overactive imaginations, 'harmless' white lies
this is a fanfiction from dreamsofdestiny to iriseclipsed who requested a peinblue. no ownership of naruto, not-so-great writing, the usual run-of-the-mill boy-meets-blue-haired-girl story. reviews are cherished. and by "review," she means something more than "update soon."
(too easy to traumatize)
He had never been in a relationship before. Nor did he ever lower himself to reading explicit novels that spoke of how a couple acted together. In short, Pein was completely clueless as how to display to the school that he and Blue (Couldn't she have picked a saner nickname?) were indeed a couple. And with no one in the Akatsuki being in a long-term public relationship, there wasn't much to refer from. Now, since he most certainly was not on the high of in-the-process-of-proving-to-the-world-he-wasn't-gay, he realized that Hidan was the best bet, if his mountain of past affairs had anything to do with relationship advice.
So he headed down to Hidan's room in the boy's dormitory. Not bothering to knock, he swiped in his stolen administration card and opened the door.
Said son-of-a-pope was lying on his luxurious Venetian lounge, bleeding profusely in the chest from yet another sacrifice to his beloved God. Once again, Pein questioned his choice in people, before closing the door with a loud BANG so Hidan would pay him some attention.
"What the hell?" The foul-mouthed religious fanatic badmouthed, readjusting the icepack on his head in order to look at the intruder. "Why the fuck are you here?"
Ignoring the obvious annoyance, the unwelcome guest pulled out a chair and sat down, taking no heed of the digitus impudicus the bleeding "host" gave him.
"I require your assistance in a certain matter."
"Assistance? You son of a bitch! You interrupt my ritual to ask for my fucking assistance? Go to hell!"
"I'm in a relationship."
THLUNK. And down fell both the ice-pack and Hidan's mouth. The reaction was almost comedical, and while Pein admitted he seemed the least likely to be in a relationship--
"That's fucking fantastic! Whose the lucky man?"
Now was Pein's turn to look at his acquaintance as if he shaved off all his hair. Okay, screw cordial terms with the Pope's son; Hidan was going to die for that comment.
"I'm dating a girl." Wrongly-accused homosexual felt that now was a great time to be on the high of in-the-process-of-proving-to-the-world-he-wasn't-gay.
"Whoa! Hold up, slow down, and rewind the goddamned tape! You're not gay?" The incredulity in his eyes made it all the worse, "I mean, that bastard Kakuzu, at least he bangs a chick up to show off his money! But you--you, you've never even batted a fucking eyelash at anyone relatively female! I thought you and Itachi were getting all hot and steamy together, all these years. Or even Deidara because god that asshole..." And Hidan ranted and raged like a madman for minutes without end, pairing Pein up with any male he had or had not met.
The images Hidan's banter sent to the stupefied leader were traumatizing.
"Or maybe Orochimaru, because hell, his tongue is supposed really good at..."
On and on and on andonandonandon...Pein sorely wished he had a bazooka at hand, maybe if he blasted the priest's head to smithereens...Screw LAGU and their "no firearms" policy.
"So anyways!" Hidan concluded his lecture as if he had not horribly traumatized his leader, "Whose the unlucky girl?"
If Pein were a lower man, he would have shivvered in disgust, or at very least sat in stupor for a good five minutes to recollect the pieces of his sanity. But of course, he had his pride to worry about and it stated that he was certainly a higher man.
"Blue."
BAM. The shock this time caused Hidan to fall straight off the lounge.
"The girl with that crazy-coloured hair?" There was a hint of awe mixed in with disbelief in his tone.
'Oh god, I'm dating someone with a criminal record...' was Pein's first thought.
"Yes."
"You have got yourself one hell of a sweet catch," Lord forbid there to be jealousy in Hidan's voice, "That girl's the only female I know that isn't a whore!"
"Really." And here he had never heard of her before...
"Spill, how'd you get her to be your girlfriend?"
"That's unneccesary information," Pein replied, still a 'little' mad at the implication he was gay, "More importantly, your assistance is required in getting the school to know that we are a couple."
"And you need my help, why?"
Now of course, higher men knew when to swallow their pride, and if Pein weren't so driven by it, he'd have probably admitted he had no idea what the first thing a "couple" should do. But of course, he was driven by his pride and simply responded to the question with a shiver-inducing glare.
It would have worked, had Hidan not chosen to snigger.
"You've never read porno, have you?"
"No."
Now, the blood was all but ignored as the swearing priest cheerfully got up and beckoned for Hidan to follow him into the spacious two-bed bedroom. Of course, Kakuzu wasn't inside, for there was money to steal and people to con. With a graceful (rich) sweep of his hand, the closet opened, and out tumbled...
A shrine to Playboy.
Needless to say, more traumatization was yet to come...
(forever waiting for the right moment)
She was not driven by pride. Pride did not drive her. Superbia was not her vice. Blue repeatedly chanted this as she waited (not-so-patiently) for her roommates to arrive. It was already six, but the stupid sun refused to set completely. Leaving the room in a slightly dusky light, not bright enough to see detail, but not dark enough to turn on the lights. They should be coming any minute now, those two freshman girls Waiting patiently for what she wanted was something she was all too accustomed to.
Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock.
She closed her eyes in meditative silence, trying to think of her next move. Probably gossip. Although most of it wasn't true, it certainly gave him some depth as opposed to the random stranger who gave her only his first name and stole a kiss. Not that she was complaining or anything, but she should have at least charged a fee...
He is such an awful kisser.
Oh joy, she was now taking to insulting her business partner's kissing style, what next? His fashion sense? The indigo-haired girl breathed out a sigh as she stood up, stretching and making sure her bed looked as if she had been sleeping for two hours instead of feeling annoyed and brooding aimlessly.
THUMP-THUMP-THUMP-THUMP. CRASH. BANG!
"Stupid Sakura!"
"Ino you pig!"
Oh joy, her gorgeously shallow roommates were back. Hopefully they would shut up today and not talk about--
"Sasuke looked at me today!"
"Don't be silly, he was obviously looking at me! I mean, I wore the pinkest eyeshadow in the school today!"
Said cotton-candy hair-coloured (Blue bet it was dyed) girl batted her eyelashes innocently, displaying the perfect amount of hot neon pink with each blink. Blue was sorely tempted to scream her lungs out in telling them to shut the hell up. But of course, that would be a big mistake and she couldn't lose ground in such a perfect situation. She had to wait in order to get the right amoutn of shock she wanted from her announcement.
"He's so dreamy..."
"I'd date him in a second!"
"I'd kiss him in two minutes!"
"Two minutes? I'd have taken him by then!" Ino Yamanake crowed.
"You'd have lost him by looking as you do everyday. I'd have put on my most stunning makeup and surely would have charmed his socks off!" Sakura Haruno replied.
And they sighed in a fangirl-y daze as they dreamed of their oh-so-godly wannabe-boyfriend. Blue wanted to roll her eyes. If they stayed quiet for five seconds, she would make her announcement. That would certain shock their socks off.
One...two...three...four...f--
"Blue, I like you the best! You never chase after Sasuke, because you know that he's going to marry me!" Sakura broke the silence, smiling winningly at Blue.
--uck it. Now was as good a time as any.
"That's because I already have a boyfriend," Said 'best-friend' replied crisply. She wanted to add snidely:'And he's better than your precious little Sasuke,' but that would be unacceptable.
Jaws dropped. One dainty darkblue-to-the-point-of-black eyebrow arched elegantly. Touche.
"YOU have a BOYFRIEND?!" they chorused.
Insert satisfied mental smirk here; Ino and Sakura probably would've never bet she had gotten a boyfriend before they did.
"When'd you get him?"
"How'd you meet?"
"What's his name?"
"Is he hot? Sweet? Charming? Stupid?"
And whilst being bombarded with questions (most of which she couldn't even provide answers to), Blue allowed herself the luxury of a Chesire cat smile, after all, these girls were infamous for spreading juicy gossip like oil and flames. Little did they know that they were only helping fan the flames to her own ambitions. Of course, it wasn't a bad thing, not at all...By tomorrow afternoon, everyone who was an anyone would know that she was indeed dating whatshisname.
Oh dammit; she forgot his name.
(temptation is irresistable)
Thank all heavenly, hell-esque, and other forces for his pride. Pein managed to "escape" the sacred shrine of nudity mostly unscathed. Of course, he already knew the 'down-and-dirty' (he shuddered at using the metaphor) basics. But never were there such graphic images...and luscious--
Nonono. He was above the influence.
Of course, the cheesy smile Hidan was giving him (along with many death threats if he told Kakuzu that Hidan had shown an 'outsider' the vault) and the way-too-lewd-for-his-liking thumbs up made Pein swear never to ask Hidan for any sort of advice. Ever. As he walked out of the priest's dormitory room, he wondered if getting the information spread (that he wasn't gay, dammit!) was actually worth so much.
But of course, overactive imaginations play all too big of a role in his life.
"And now, presenting the man who knows just the right people, the man who had a dream and fulfilled it. The man who someday will be known as the next revolutionary figure, the next Bill Gates, a rebirth of the Rennaissance will come with his wake! A man whose--"
"THE NEXT QUEER EYE FOR THE STRAIGHT GUY, UN!!" Deidara shouted out loudly from the churning crowd.
And laughter erupted like hell as the gay jokes ensued. His career, shattered to smithereens, that is, unless he wanted to pursue fashion or design, which he most certainly did not.
Yeah, it was worth it.
Mind made up, and mentally humming a happy tune (whilst imagining Hidan getting impaled over and over andoverondoverandover again), Pein strode towards his dormitory, already having his dreams fo greatness (and world-domination) fulfilled in his mind. And then he could leave it all behind. LAGU, the idiots, his family, and even the Akatsuki. Well, maybe not the Akatsuki, but leave everything else behind...
Too bad he forgot the main concept behind rumours: they were like the game telephone, and when the information was fed through the "loop," it came out unrecognizable in the end.
(digging your grave)
"You forgot his NAME?!" more chorusing from the Sasuke-Fanatic Duo: Sakura and Ino.
"Is it that big of a deal?" Blue was itching to respond, instead, she ran through all the names she could possibly think of, trying to find one that matched with his face. She did know quite the large amount of people. She blamed the memory lapse on the kiss. If she wasn't so busy forcing herself to stay still and not run off to wash her lips, she probably would've spent more time listening to what he was saying.
But oh nooo...he just HAD to go and kiss her (badly, at that) and THEN tell her his name.
Tuning the SFD out (whilst they ranted and raged about how it would be a sin to forget Sasuke's name and how they would certainly be a better girlfriend to him than Blue was being to whatshisname and on and on...), she tried to think of a name. The right name, of course, because if she didn't they'd think of one for her.
Doku?
Lagumaru?
Mizumoto?
"I bet you know his name!" Oh was Sakura ever the genius...
"Yeah!" Ino goaded, "You're just not telling us because you're scared we'll tell everyone." Hardly the truth, but hey, reverse psychology is good too...
"You saw right through me..." she lied through her teeth, trying to look ashamed, "I do remember his name."
"Then tell us!" More SFD chorusing.
Why couldn't he choose an easier-to-remember name for himself? But of course not, to add to the ever-growing list of what was wrong with her boyfriend, he had to choose a really annoying, hard-to-remember, uncommon name to top it off!
She sighed unhappily, and giving up all hope of remembering his name, picked one off the top of her head. He was, after all, the best in her Economics class. Hopefully it wouldn't turn out too bad.
"Kakuzu."