Title: "Regrets"

Author: ducainefan

Rating: PG-13 (mostly for language)

Subject: H/C relationship

Summary: What if Horatio Caine was faced with an impossible choice …

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters on CSI:MIAMI, nor am I making any money off this - as a matter of fact I don't make much, so please don't sue!

NOTE: This is a one-shot – it's been running in my mind for a while now, and I just had to get it written out before I moved on with my "Mixed Feelings" series. It's written in four parts – and it's pretty much complete – I just want to post them as separate chapters, and give people time to read it. Hope you guys enjoy it.

"Regrets"

Part II

Sitting in his Hummer, Horatio pulled Calleigh's badge from his jacket pocket, running his fingers over the engraving. She was one of the best CSIs he had ever worked with – smart, sharp as a tack, compassionate, committed — a lot like himself in many ways.

He knew the badge meant everything to her, and looking at it now, he realized how much he'd taken Calleigh for granted over the past few years. She was always there when he was in a tough spot. Just the thought of losing her made his heart drop into his stomach.

"Hey, Caine!" A male voice jolted him from his thoughts as he jerked up to see who was knocking on his window. It was Jake Berkeley. "Lieutenant Caine, a word please?" he insisted.

Horatio sighed and got out of his car, thinking to himself, 'This is exactly what I need right now.' He knew that Calleigh had begun to see Jake again, but he couldn't say he was happy about — in reality, Jake reminded him too much of his brother Ray, and he didn't want what happened to Yelina to happen to Calleigh, too. Neither of those women deserved men like that, he thought.

"What can I do for you, detective?" he asked flatly, hands on hips.

"Is Calleigh … is she …" Jake trailed off, looking around nervously, trying to hold back his emotions.

"I don't know yet, Jake," he said.

"How can you not know? You were there!" Jake insisted.

"There was a lot of confusion," Horatio started.

"Yea I heard all about that – how you went and saved your sister-in-law and left Calleigh in that house to—"

"That's not what happened," Horatio retorted.

"Oh really? Well then explain it to me, lieutenant," Jake said through clenched teeth. "Explain to me why you're standing here and Calleigh's probably lyin' dead under a pile of debris in that house?"

"I understand what you're feeling, Jake, but—"

"Do you? Do you, Caine? We were just startin' to get things right between us, did you know that? I thought we'd finally cleaned the slate. And now this."

"Please understand—"

"Make me understand, Caine," Jake interjected, raising his voice. "Make me understand how you could just let the best damn CSI on your team – hell, in the state of Florida — get killed in a simple house fire. Make me understand that!"

"I … I ran out of options, Jake. That's all I can tell you."

"You know what Caine?" Jake hissed, leaning close, "You're one sorry son-of-a-bitch."

Horatio nodded, putting his head down as Jake began to walk away. "I cared for her too," he said, his voice cracking. Jake looked back in disgust, but when he saw the look in Horatio's eyes, he knew the man was telling the truth. "Jake," Horatio continued, looking up, not caring that his composure was shaken, "I cared for her more than you'll ever know."

Jake swallowed, then replied, "I believe you … but that still doesn't bring Calleigh back." Horatio nodded, looking down at Calleigh's badge as Jake walked away.

"Uncle Horatio!" Looking up, Horatio saw his young nephew approach him.

"Ray?" he said, regaining his composure. "What are you doing here? I thought I left you at the hospital? Is everything alright with your mother?"

"Yea, she's fine. She sent me down here to see how you were doing."

Horatio shook his head. "Me? I'm OK, Ray. Go back to your mother, alright?"

"She said she heard something about one of your CSI's goin' down, and she was worried."

"Well, I am too, son, I am too," Horatio said, sighing and looking back towards the lab, where Jake had walked off to. "C'mon. Hop in the truck, I'll give you a ride back to the hospital."

As they made their way down the road, Horatio's cell phone rang. It was Frank. "Yea," he answered. "Alright. I'm on my way." He hung up the phone, tears stinging his eyes.

"Uncle Horatio, what is it?"

"Let's just get you back to your mother, OK?" he rasped, his voice cracking. Ray nodded, giving his uncle a concerned look before turning back toward the passenger's side window.

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"I came to ID my little girl, lieutenant," Kenwall "Duke" Duquesne choked out, trying to push back his emotions. "Now if you'd be so kind as to tell me where her … where she is."

"Mr. Duquesne—"

"Duke, please."

"We haven't found anything conclusive yet."

"But it's been hours … I have to …"

Horatio sighed. "I understand, believe me, but, as Detective Tripp already told you, the fire flared up again, and we can't get in there until everything's been cleared."

"I want to see my lambchop, lieutenant," Duke rasped, and Horatio could smell the whiskey on his breath.

"I know," Horatio said, putting a hand on his shoulder. He reached into his pocket, pulling out the badge. "Here," he said, handing it to Duke.

"Is this … my little girl's shield?" he asked, reaching a shaking hand out to take it.

"Yes sir," Horatio said, nodding. He watched as tears began to fall from Duke's eyes and a small smile crept onto Calleigh's father's face.

"She was so proud of bein' an officer of the law," he said, caressing the metal much like Horatio had done. "She loved lookin' out for people. She was so good at it … I should know."

Duke looked up at Horatio, his smile fading. Horatio looked down, swallowing hard. He was having a hard time holding it together.

"Here," Duke said, handing it back to him. "You take it."

"No, I—"

"She woulda wanted you to have it, believe me, lieutenant. The way she talked about you … I know she was right fond of you, sir, and she respected you. That means a lot comin' from my little girl."

"I … I don't know what to say," Horatio rasped as Duke placed the badge in his hand.

"Lieutenant, I know I was never a proper father for my daughter, but I'm right proud of the way she turned out," he started, letting his tears fall freely now. "She loved her job … loved that ballistics lab … and she loved you, lieutenant."

Horatio looked up at that statement. It was a devastating blow. "I …" he looked to the right as a tear escaped. "We all feel the same way," he finally rasped, unable to meet Duke's gaze.

"You were good to my little girl, and I know she woulda done anything for ya. She really cared about everyone at the lab, especially you. I just thought you should know that."

"Thank you," Horatio choked out. "Do you … do you want a ride? It could be awhile before …"

"I'm fine," Duke said quickly, reminding Horatio of how Calleigh used to hide behind that statement.

"H!" Ryan Wolfe called from the road, running up to him. "What's goin' on? Where's Calleigh? Oh … Mr. Duquesne."

"Young man," Duke nodded, wiping a few errant tears from his face.

"I'm sorry, H, I … do you know what's goin' on?"

"Mr. Wolfe, as soon as I know, you'll know, OK?"

Horatio turned to see Frank Tripp making his way over, with Eric and Alexx Woods close behind.

"Anything yet, Frank?"

"Sorry to say the second spark-up mighta killed any hope we had of findin' anything and —" Frank stopped mid-sentence, seeing Duke's face fall. "Oh, I'm, I'm sorry Mr. Duquesne. Listen, why don't we grab a bite to eat. This could take some time to sort out."

"I'm not really hungry," Duke replied.

"C'mon, just down the road here, my treat, sir. I don't think you're gonna wanna be hangin' around here for the next 24 hours or so, am I right?"

"OK," Duke sighed. "You remember what I said lieutenant."

"Always," Horatio said, clutching the badge. He watched as Frank put his arm around Calleigh's father, leading him to the patrol car. "Is it as bad as Frank says?" Horatio asked, turning to Alexx.

"Honey, I don't know … it's pretty bad in there. You might find a bone or two, if you're lucky, but that fire went up pretty fast."

"Can we just stop talkin' like this," Eric said, beginning to pace. "Maybe she got out."

"Then why hasn't she contacted us?" Ryan asked. "It's all over the news."

"You would know," Eric shot back.

"Gentlemen," Horatio interjected. "Please."

Alexx moved closer to Horatio, tears welling in her eyes. "What happened in there, Horatio?" she asked.

"Well," he started. "I … I…"

"H?" Ryan asked, not used to seeing his boss so vulnerable, stumbling over words.

"I couldn't save her," he sighed, placing a hand on Ryan's shoulder. "I couldn't save her." Alexx wrapped an arm around Horatio, and Eric ducked his head. "I'm sorry," Horatio rasped, putting a hand on Eric's shoulder. "I'm sorry."

Calleigh always had a way of uniting the team, even at their lowest point, and this was no exception. The four leaned into each other, standing in an odd embrace.

"I can't believe this," Eric rasped.

"I'm sorry," Horatio replied, shaking his head. He squeezed Eric's shoulder and nodded to Alexx and Ryan before breaking from the group.

"Horatio? Where are you goin'?" Alexx asked, concerned.

"I need to be alone for awhile," he said honestly. "Call me if you hear anything, OK?"

"Will do," Alexx said as the trio watched their boss get into his Hummer and drive off.

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Horatio Caine sat on the beach, watching the tide come in. "Forgive me, Calleigh" he whispered, caressing the badge in his hand. He'd gone over and over the situation in his head, and wondered, if he could do it all over again, if he would've done anything differently.

'I should've checked on her,' he thought. 'I might've had time to drag her out of there before …'

Horatio was used to taking on guilt, but this was different. If he had chosen to get Calleigh out of there, he very well could be sitting here explaining to his nephew why he was an orphan. There just was no right choice – either way someone he loved would have died.

"I can't accept this," he whispered, refusing to give up on Calleigh. But deep down he knew he would have to find a way to live with the choice he made. "I wish I'd told you … I hope you knew … how much you meant to this lab … to me…"

"Of course I know," drawled a southern voice Horatio thought he'd never hear again. He looked up in disbelief to see Calleigh Duquesne, crutches in hand, smiling down at him. Aside from some minor cuts and burns, she looked alive and well.

"Calleigh," he said in disbelief.

"Hello, handsome," she smiled.