Title: "Regrets"
Author: ducainefan
Rating: PG-13 (mostly for language)
Subject: H/C relationship
Summary: What if Horatio Caine was faced with an impossible choice …
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters on CSI:MIAMI, nor am I making any money off this - as a matter of fact I don't make much, so please don't sue!
NOTE: This is a one-shot – it's been running in my mind for a while now, and I just had to get it written out before I moved on with my "Mixed Feelings" series. This is the last part – hope you all enjoyed it. Thanks for all the feedback – you guys rock. Now, on with the story.
Part IV
"You know, Horatio, you didn't have to go to all this trouble," Calleigh said softly, slightly embarrassed that her boss was cooking her dinner at her place. But beneath the embarrassment was a sense of familiarity, a comfortable feeling that made her so thankful to be alive and well.
"It's the least I could do," Horatio replied, setting the plates down on the kitchen table.
"Well, I'm much obliged," she said sweetly. "But it's been a good 48 hours, and I think my ankle's feeling much better. There's no need to be fussin' over me like this."
"On the contrary," Horatio began, sitting down, "I consider this a celebration."
"Well, I'm always up for a good party, but what's the occasion?"
"Um … well …" Horatio seemed to be fumbling for words, acting nervous, which surprised Calleigh. There was an awkward silence, until finally Calleigh decided speak up.
"Horatio," she started cautiously, "if this is about the fire … I just want you to know that … that you made the right call."
"I should've checked on you first," he said, shaking his head and turning way, leaning against the counter.
"You made the right call," she said again, a bit more firmly, standing up and walking toward him.
Horatio smiled, despite himself. He loved her strength, and the way she could get her point across without rubbing him the wrong way. He loved the way she was able to combine her southern charm and compassion with a hard-nosed determination. At the end of the day, he just … loved her.
"Horatio, are you listening to me?" Calleigh asked urgently.
Snapped from his revelry, he looked up at her, a small smile across his face.
"What?" she replied, grinning back. "What did I say?"
Horatio shook his head and looked down, blushing slightly. He couldn't believe how blind he'd been. It was all becoming so much clearer to him now as he thought back on things.
"OK," he sighed, looking back at her. "OK, here's the thing. It's just, um … I don't think I've ever told you how important you are … I mean, how much you mean ..." Trailing off, Horatio gave Calleigh a vulnerable look, placing his hands on his hips.
"That's, um … that's not necessary," Calleigh whispered, looking down nervously at her hands.
"I beg to differ," he replied, giving her a familiar grin. She looked up, smiling in embarrassment.
"Horatio," she sighed. "Let's sit down, OK?" He nodded and they both took a seat at the table. "I know … I know things have difficult the last few years, and I wish … I wish things could get back to the way they were before …"
"I'm listening," Horatio said, bracing himself.
"I know you still care for Yelina, Horatio," she said, meeting his gaze. "And I can't help but wonder if the situation were reversed … maybe you'd be making her dinner right now."
She continued to make eye contact with him, waiting for a response. It soon became somewhat of a staring contest — but in an unexpected turn, it was Horatio who lost. He looked down at his folded hands, shifting.
"It's fine, Horatio, believe me I understand," Calleigh said quickly, and it was obvious that she was nervous. "I've always known that you've cared for her."
"You're right," he replied, still refusing to meet her gaze, "and I always will."
There was an awkward pause as Calleigh nodded her head and swallowed the lump in her throat. She had to admit that a part of her was curious to see if a relationship between her and Horatio could work – he'd mentored her over the years, but she'd grown to love him in a way she never had any other man. It was deeper than her other relationships — including her current one with Jake Berkeley.
"But," Horatio continued, raising his eyebrows and still looking at his hands, "that doesn't mean that I don't care about you. And I do Calleigh," he rasped, looking up. "I do."
"Yea," she rasped, looking down. "Me too."
The silence hung thick in the air as the two searched for the right words to say next – the right move to make. 'We're like a couple of high school kids,' Calleigh thought to herself, trying to think of what to do next. She decided to do what she normally did in uncomfortable situations — change the subject.
"So … what's the word on Paulie Fernandez?"
"Well, he couldn't make bail, so he's in county lock-up – where he belongs."
"Don't be too hard on him, Horatio," she said softly.
"You don't think he was as responsible as his brother for what happened in that house – or the other arsons we've been investigating?"
"I think he was … misled," Calleigh began carefully. "He has some problems to work out, but I think a part of that might stem from coming from a broken home."
"You mean if he hadn't lost his father, maybe he wouldn't have turned out this way, and maybe none of this would've happened," Horatio asked sadly.
"Horatio, I didn't mean that against you – you did what you had to do," she said. "All I'm saying is I understand about broken homes."
"So do I," Horatio said a bit more defensively than he wanted to. "What I mean is …"
"I know what you're saying, and I believe it, too – People choose their own path. But I think Paulie, in the right situation, could've been helped. Maybe he still can."
"Well, that's up to the courts now," Horatio sighed. "I'm sure they'll take everything into consideration."
"Including the fact that he saved my life." At her statement, Horatio looked away.
"Yea," he rasped. "He did save you …"
"Horatio, I didn't … Don't do this to yourself," she started, her voice filled with sadness and a tinge of regret.
"It's fine."
"No it's not," Calleigh replied. "I didn't mean it like that."
"Are you sure?"
"Horatio," she sighed, "I can't tell you how to feel. All I can tell you is that I still trust you with my life." Horatio gave a half-laugh, looking away. "Hey," she rasped, reaching out to grasp his hands, "don't turn away from me, handsome."
Horatio looked down at their hands, entwining them. He could feel the tears burning his eyes. "I … I hate what I've become, Calleigh," he said in a low voice.
Arching an eyebrow, Calleigh leaned in closer, at a loss for words. Of all the things she thought he'd say, she didn't count on that.
"Horatio," she began carefully, "you're a good man. You're a good cop. And you have nothing to be ashamed of or hate yourself for, OK?"
"No?" he asked sadly. "Not even for Speed, or Ray, or Rachel Turner, or Marisol?"
"I—"
"And what about Eric? A lot of good I've done him."
"Horatio, stop —"
"I can't," he rasped, pulling away.
"Horatio, stop it," Calleigh said in a firm tone. He looked up, seeing her concern, her understanding. "Listen to me," she continued, taking his hands in hers again, reaching for him, "you have to stop this. You can't keep carrying around all this guilt, Horatio … I won't let you."
"What else can I do?" he choked out, a tear escaping.
"You can let go," she said softly. "You can let go with me. I'm here now and I … I love you."
Horatio's heart skipped a beat as Calleigh looked away, embarrassed. "I've said too much," she said in low voice.
"No," Horatio insisted. "I … I cherish you, Calleigh. I really do." He leaned forward until he was inches from her. "Come here," he whispered, opening his arms to her. She looked up, smiling through unshed tears, and leaned into his embrace, wrapping her arms around him. After several moments, they pulled back, and Calleigh moved her hand to wipe away the wetness running down Horatio's cheek.
"Calleigh," he said in a shaky voice, reaching his own hand out to touch her face, his thumb caressing her. They looked at each other for what seemed like an eternity, overcome with emotion, but hesitant to take the next step.
"Horatio," she said in a soft voice. He leaned closer, but she turned away at the last minute, suddenly overcome with all the mixed emotions she had been feeling over the past few years. She couldn't let things go forward without clearing the air with him.
"I just, I don't understand what's happened," Calleigh started, getting up and beginning to pace nervously. Horatio leaned forward, but stayed silent. "I mean, you've done everything in your power to avoid me the past few years, you … married … someone you hardly know and I … I just don't understand all this, Horatio."
"I … I," he started, swallowing. Calleigh pulled up a chair next to him again, leaning in close.
"I need you to tell me the truth, Horatio," she said firmly. "I'm sorry if what I've said hurt you, but I can't go on like this, living like we're strangers one day, and then acting like everything's fine the next."
"I know," he replied in low voice. " I think I've just been afraid."
Calleigh was taken aback by the statement. "Afraid? Of what?"
"Of losing control," he rasped. "Of letting go, of dealing with all this … all this loss…"
"But what do I have to do with any of that?"
"You have everything to do with it, Calleigh," he said, looking at her, unshed tears welling in his eyes. "Do you remember when Speed died? When I held you in my arms until we'd both cried ourselves out?"
"I…" she swallowed, stealing back tears. "Of course."
"You're the only person I've ever been able to let go with in that way, Calleigh … ever allowed myself to let go with. You gave me the strength to get up at that wake and give a eulogy for Speed without balling my eyes out." He grasped her hand, swallowing. "You've always been the rock of this team, Calleigh. But I just couldn't … didn't want to put you through what happened in that locker room again."
"Maybe you just didn't want to go there again yourself?" Calleigh posed, her voice cracking.
"Could be," he replied. "We've both lost so much, and I … I was afraid what would happen if we got too close … that maybe I'd break and seem less of a man to you … or that I'd lose you, too."
"Horatio, I'm here, you know that. I was there when they said Ray was killed undercover. I was there when Tim was gunned down, and Marisol, and your brother last year. And when everything happened with Eric … Well, you know I will always have your back, Horatio – no matter what."
"I do," he whispered. "And I'm sorry I didn't have yours."
"You need to stop beating yourself up over this," she started.
"And you need to start being honest with me, Calleigh," he said, a bit harsher than he'd meant to. "I'm sorry. I'm just … worried that you think I would just leave you to … die. I want to know the truth, Calleigh. What do really think of the choice I made in that house?"
Calleigh took a breath, letting it out slowly, trying to gather her thoughts. If he wanted honesty, she'd give it to him – he deserved no less.
"I've always been jealous when it comes to you," she said flatly. "Jealous of the way you look at Yelina, the way you care for her, the relationship you two have. I just … I could never get there with any of my … Well, it just seems that you two have something I never will."
"Calleigh," he replied softly, "my … relationship … with Yelina is complicated at best. And there was a time when I thought we could have been more than just …" he trailed off, sighing. "But the thing is, none of that had anything to do with the decision I made two days ago."
"I'm listening," Calleigh said.
"I know you can take care of yourself, Calleigh. I know your strength, and determination, and if you said you could get out of the house, I truly believed that you would."
"I know," she rasped. "That's part of the reason I said it. I didn't want you to save me, and then lose Yelina. I know how much she means to you."
"I'm not going to sit here and deny that I care about Yelina," he said, "or say that I didn't love Marisol … But I'm also not going to deny the way I feel about you. The way I've felt about you since I met you. You've been loyal and honest, and truly dedicated your life to this job — much like I have. And I've always seen you as the one person who I want by my side when the chips are down."
"A real pal, huh?" Calleigh smiled, shaking her head.
"More than that," he said. "A best friend. A confidant. Someone I can trust with my lab and with my life. You don't find people like that every day, and I think I've taken that for granted – taken you for granted."
"I don't know what to say," she rasped, heaving a sigh. "So, where does this leave us?"
"In a better place than we were before, I hope," Horatio replied, grinning. "I admit I've had relationships with other women, professional and personal, but with you … you're one of the most unique, independent and alive people I've come to know, and that can be a little scary, to be honest," he chuckled. "But the thought of … losing you … I just … it was like I lost a part of myself, too, you know?"
Unshed tears welled in his eyes as he glanced up at her, waiting for a response. She looked at him, her love and devotion for him completely taking over.
"Damn it, Horatio," she rasped, suddenly placing her hands on his face and pulling him into her for a kiss. He returned it, tentatively at first, but soon became caught up in the emotion of it all – in his love for her.
"Wait," he said finally, breaking the kiss. "Wait."
"I'm sorry," she started. "I shouldn't have—"
"No," he replied, placing a finger on her lips. "You have nothing to be sorry for. I think we've both been wanting to do that for a long time, am I right?"
She laughed, looking down, embarrassed. "Yea," she replied. "But I still think I don't look good in all black."
"And I still beg to differ," he replied, smiling back at her. "Now let me get to this pot roast before we get caught in another fire." Calleigh chuckled, watching as he stood up and opened the oven, coughing slightly as a steady stream of smoke followed. She stood up and looked down at the burned meal, sharing a look with Horatio before they both broke out laughing.
"Um," he started, looking at the charred remains of dinner, "how do you like Chinese?"
"How about Italian?" she smiled, pulling a box of pasta from the shelf.
"Improvising are we?" Horatio replied.
"It's my specialty," she said in a light voice, filling up a pot with water.
"Not to mention economical. I like it," he said with a smirk.
"Horatio," Calleigh said, placing the pot on the stove, her tone turning serious. "Seriously, about all this … You should know that I'm still seeing Jake."
"I know, and if that's what you want —"
"I didn't say that," Calleigh said softly, brushing her hand over his briefly. "I just think we both need time to get … comfortable again."
"Agreed."
"And if you decide you'd rather be with Yelina—"
"I never said that," Horatio replied, grasping her hand. "I care for her, it's true, but she's still my brother's wife, Calleigh, even if he's gone for good this time …"
"It's strange, isn't it?" she asked
"Sometimes, it can be," he remarked. "Sometimes it's a lonely road, Calleigh."
"Well," she replied, squeezing his hand, "that's why I'm walking it with you."
They both smiled and shared a final kiss, admitting between rasps their love for each other and hoping that one day they would be more than just partners in the Miami-Dade crime lab.
The End