A/N: Okay, first off, I'd like to dedicate this story to everyone out there that has been affected by the 'events' of this story. (I don't want to give it away, but you'll understand what I mean if you read it.) Particularly my Godfather/Uncle Jeff, Grandma Jane, and Aunt Becky, may they be in peace. To all of the survivors out there who made it through and to all of the families and friends of those who were not as fortunate.
Second, I'm sorry for what I did to Sara in this, but the story was in my head and needed to be written.
Third, all mistakes are mine and that of Microsoft Word which has been known to suck royally. If there's anything really troublesome that I missed please let me know. Also, all of my information might not be completely accurate, so just work with me on that one and be imaginative.
And finally, please read and review. I put a lot of thought into this story, so please let me know what you think of it. I always love your comments, good or bad. Be honest.
Disclaimer: Still just a single mother of two, writing fan fiction. But soon, I promise, I'll own CSI and GSR will be consummated with a live action kiss (at the very least they owe us that!)
That's it. My rant is done. Enjoy the story!
-Surviving-
Chapter Five: Moment of Truth
It took her several attempts to motivate herself to go to his office, but she found herself now standing in his doorway, just watching him for a minute before entering. The blinds were closed, she imagined to keep out unwanted visitors. He was in his chair, but he had the back turned to her. He was so lost in his thoughts that he didn't even hear her enter, or close and lock the door. His eyes were closed so he was startled when he felt something weigh him down until he opened his eyes. He was greeted with Sara straddling his lap staring at him and brushing her fingertips lightly through his graying curls. He hesitantly lifted his hands and placed one on her back, rubbing small circles delicately into her skin and the other to her cheek, gently wiping away at the tear stains that remained. Leaning forward, she tenderly captured his lips with her own and as it ended she whispered softly.
"I love you Gil Grissom. Don't ever doubt that." At the conclusion of her statement she hugged him tightly and rested her head on his shoulder as if her life depended on it. He held her as close as he could as he stroked her back comfortingly.
"I love you, too, Sara Sidle. And I would never doubt that." He whispered back. They sat there holding each other, taking comfort in the other's embrace for several minutes before he broke the silence. "Sara? Are you okay?" He was worried and there was no way of denying it. He'd never seen Sara like this before. So defeated, so scared, so not-Sara. Leaning back slightly, she let her fingers trail over the delicate flesh of his jaw line before kissing him lightly.
"I am now." She said with a weak smile.
"Okay." He said, not completely believing her, but not wanting to push. "I'm here when you're ready. I promise. I'm not going anywhere."
"Griss?" She asked shyly as she began toying with the collar of his shirt.
"Yeah?" His hand was still caressing her cheek.
"Can I stay with you after I'm done with Catherine? I…I don't want to be alone." She asked timidly as another tear streamed down her cheek, which he was quick to wipe away.
"Sara, you don't even need to ask. I'd be honored if you'd stay with me." He assured her, pulling her back into another hug.
"Thanks." She mumbled against his chest. Pulling back after another couple minutes, she sighed. "I should go. Catherine's waiting for me." She told him sadly.
"Okay. But I'll see you after." He answered her with a small encouraging smile, standing up with her and hugging her once more before walking her out.
After leaving the lab, Catherine called Sara's doctor back and coaxed him into letting them come in. Catherine was nothing if not...persuasive. Once they got there, Dr. Wallace drew some more blood and took some more tests before explaining the prognosis to Sara and Catherine.
"Sara, if you get a marrow transplant within the next two months, there will be about a six in ten chance that the cancer won't come back. With the new therapy we have at our disposal, we're going to try. It's just been approved, but it's the strongest there is out there right now. I highly suggest it. You're a strong woman Sara; we'll get you through this, but not without your strength." Catherine could tell that Sara was just barely listening. She was lost in her own little world as the doctor spoke.
He explained their options for treatment and gave them a list of support groups and counselors. He scheduled her for several more appointments, mostly with specialists and oncologists that can further her treatment options. He explained that the cancer is in her bone marrow and it will likely spread, and spread quickly unless she goes in for immediate treatment and gets a bone marrow transplant soon. Apparently he had already added her to the registry of donors, but that it could be hard, there were lots of people before her and in higher need so he encouraged her to have her friends and family tested if they would be willing to help. Catherine, before he could even ask stuck out her arm and rolled up her sleeve.
"Test me." She said, providing him access to her veins. He could only stifle the laugh, but not the smile at her eagerness.
"I'll have a nurse draw your blood before you leave Ms. Willows." He assured her.
The entire time that the doctor spoke Sara was silent, in disbelief. Catherine asked Dr. Wallace all of the questions and even took notes. After having her blood drawn, Catherine took all of the provided reading material, lists and prescription sheets from him and placed them in her bag before guiding Sara out of the office, thanking the doctor first. It took almost twenty minutes to get to the pharmacy, and when they did it was packed. Not wanting to keep Sara away from Grissom any longer she dropped off the prescriptions with the pharmacist and assured him she'd be back to pick them up. Sara was in no condition mentally to wait in line. Another twenty minutes more before they finally arrived at Grissom's townhouse. Sara never spoke a word since they had arrived at Dr. Wallace's office; she just stared out at nothingness like a deer caught in the headlights, devoid of all emotion in her features. She looked lost. Simply, Catherine was worried. She didn't know what to say to her. She just prayed that they would find a donor.
'I will have Lindsey tested, too.' she thought.
When they arrived at Grissom's townhouse, Catherine placed all of the reading material, lists and notes she'd taken into Sara's purse before walking her to the door. She was still in a trance-like state, unaware of everything going on around her. Grissom opened the door before they even knocked, clad in cock roach printed pajama pants and an old LVPD t-shirt. Sara didn't even seem to notice him; she walked right passed him and towards the bedroom, leaving him standing at the doorstep lost and bewildered. Slowly, after Sara was out of sight, he turned back to Catherine who gave him a sympathetic half-smile.
"Don't take it personally Gil. She's been like that since…well, let's just say she heard a lot today, and she's scared." She told him, trying to assure him without breaking Sara's confidence.
"What happened? She wasn't great when she left, but she's so…"
"Not there? Yeah, I noticed. It's like she's escaped into her own little Sara-land. Here." Handing him Sara's purse.
"Uh, thanks. What do I do Cath?" His voice dripping with confusion and angst.
"Just be there and be ready for when she talks to you about it. It's not going to be easy, for either of you. Be strong, for her. If anyone can help her through this it's you Gil. She needs you now more than you could ever imagine." She paused to give him a reassuring hug, not sure if it was more for herself needing comfort than him. "I have to go. I need to talk to Lindsey about something." She added cryptically before she turned around and headed for the car. "Just be there Gil. That's all you can do." She said over her shoulder.
"Thanks Catherine." He called back; watching as she got in her car and with a deep breath in and out, started it and drove off. Taking his own deep breath he closed the door, locked it and went in search of Sara. He found her a few moments later in the bedroom, passed out on top of the covers, with her clothes, jacket and shoes still on. Despite the pain he knew she was in, granted not knowing the cause, he couldn't but find the sight of her so adorable.
Quietly and careful not wake her, he slipped off her shoes and socks, remembering how she can't sleep with socks on. Then pulling out a pair of pajamas she brought over a few days prior, he tenderly removed her pants and shirt, replacing them with the soft cotton pajamas. The white gauze pad taped to the inside of her elbow didn't go unnoticed by him. He could tell that it was blood being taken, but he still didn't know why and that scared him. Shaking the many different scenarios that popped into his head as far away as he could, he leaned down quietly and placed a light, lingering kiss to where the bandage lay. Taking one last long look at her he pulled the covers up and over her light body, tucking her in and kissing her forehead. Reluctantly, he turned away from her to lock up the rest of the house and shut off all the lights, but not before making himself and Sara a promise.
"Not matter what it is Sara, no matter how big or small, or scary or serene, I'll be there - every step of the way. We'll get through whatever it is, together. I love you Sara Sidle. You're my world." He whispered to the darkened room as a tear escaped from his hold and ran down his cheek.
When he returned from shutting down the house, he found her still asleep but she had turned in his absence so that she would be facing him when he got in, and her arm was draped across his side of the bed, as if searching for him.
'I wonder if she knows she does that?' He pondered for a moment to himself before obliging to her subconscious need for him and climbing into the bed, lifting her arm and draping it over his abdomen in the process. He swiftly wrapped his own arms around her, the feeling making her shuffle closer to him, resting her head on his chest. Holding her as close as he could possibly get her, he placed light kisses into her hair and brushed his fingers lightly over her arms before whispering softly, "I love you Sara" and let himself succumb to sleep with her.
About two hours passed before he awoke to Sara's cries in her own sleep and he quickly jostled her awake.
"Sara? Sara, honey, wake up." He repeated over and over until she finally opened her eyes with a start and flung her sweat covered body forward, grabbing hold of him as tightly as she could like there would be no tomorrow.
"I don't want to die." Came her whispered breath before the sobs overtook her completely. Grissom felt his heart stop at her words. If he thought he was scared before, he didn't know what he was now.
"Hey, honey, who said anything about you dying. You're not going anywhere." He tried to assure her, as confused and frightened as he was.
"I'm so scared." She cried to him, fear lacing each word.
"Of what baby?" He laid them back down again with her head on his chest. After several moments of silence, he started to think she fell back asleep until her strangled voice broke through the tense air.
"Of losing you." Again, his heart stopped. His confusion was coming in fast waves as he tried to process her words, but he couldn't understand why she would lose him.
"Sara, baby, you're not going to lose me. I'm not going anywhere without you. Please, talk to me Sara." He pleaded quietly. He didn't wan to push her, but he felt that he couldn't help her, assure her, unless he knew the stem of her fears. Again several minutes passed before she took a sharp intake of air and her voice came out soft and distant.
"Do you remember when I went to the doctor a couple weeks ago?" He simply nodded and made a soft affirmative sound, while unknowingly traces circles on her delicate skin with the tips of his fingers. "Dr. Wallace called me this morning while I was going over evidence with Catherine. He…He…He says…I…I…" She didn't know how to say the words, how to admit the facts to herself and to him, how to form the words.
"You can tell me Sara. You can tell me anything." He said lovingly, placing a kiss into her hair.
"Griss…will you tell me that you love me?" She asked as more tears crashed down her face.
"Sara?" Confusion seeping from her name.
"Please, I just…I need to hear it." She pleaded.
"Sara Sidle – I love you more than anything on this earth." He could feel her body relax slightly with his words, and hoped it helped her.
"I…I have cancer." She stumbled out so quietly, he wasn't sure he had heard it. But he had, and then she broke down into his chest letting the tears fall. He went into a temporary state of shock, but managed to keep a strong grasp on her in the process.
'Cancer? Sara has cancer? My Sara?' His thoughts kept repeating as the fear washed through his body like poison. His own tears began to fall, keeping time with hers as they held each other, seeking comfort in the other's embrace.
"We'll get through this. I promise. I'm not going anywhere." He whispered to her, resulting in her clutching tighter to him.