Disclaimers: I don't own Baten Kaitos, any television talent shows, the musical "Chicago" or any of the jokes mentioned.

Also, I deeply apologize for making you all wait; my Internet has been down, and I've also been caught up in another fanfic. Go check it out! It's good!

Round 4: Xelha and Kalas

(Commercial for Komo Mai cookies ends)

Ana: Welcome back to the show! We just saw two amazing men knock our socks off; it's now up to our final two contestants to come out and make their impressions! Our last female for the evening is the prestigious ruler of Wazn, here tonight to show the "unruly" side of being a queen. Here to dance to "All That Jazz", give it up for Xelha! (Crowd cheers. XELHA walks on stage in her 1920's flapper outfit, complete with the head feather, black frilly mini-dress, fishnet hose, and a garter. A chair has been set up for her in the middle of the stage with its back facing the audience. XELHA sits in the chair so that she is sitting backwards in the chair, facing the audience. The song begins with a silky clarinet solo. As the singing begins, XELHA begins to perform a very voluptuous dance using the chair. It's obvious that she's really getting into it, and as the dancing continues getting more enticing, KALAS and LYUDE watch from backstage.)

Lyude: Oh my goodness! I never thought that anyone from Wazn, Xelha especially, could perform such an obscene dance!

Kalas: (staring at XELHA blankly) Huh?

Lyude: I said…

Kalas: Don't get your tight jeans all up in a knot, Lyude, I heard you the first time. I was just…distracted. (LYUDE rolls his eyes and both continue to watch. The dancing is starting to get really hot and heavy.)

Lyude: (Stuttering) I…I don't know what it is, Kalas, but right now I feel as if I've been…you know…aroused in a libidinous way.

Kalas: (looking at LYUDE)Is that Alfardian or something for "I wish I were that chair right about now"? No wait…(pretends to pull out a dictionary) Or is that your way of saying "There's a party in my-"

Lyude: (in disbelief) Kalas! How dare you! I would never have such impure thoughts of how Xelha dances, the way she slinks around the stage, the manner in which she caresses that inanimate chair…(voice gradually becomes whimsical and hugs his shoulders) …how her garters show off her smooth upper leg, the way she suggestively captures the eyes of even the hardest man, how she makes me feel all fuzzy and warm and excited and lustful and…

Kalas: (interrupting) Horny? (LYUDE glowers at KALAS as the song ends. Lots of male whoops and hollers can be heard. XELHA curtsies and blows a kiss into the crowd. All three judges seem a bit disturbed.)

Ladekhan: (with wide eyes) Am I dreaming or something? No offense, my dear Xelha, it's just that I would never expect someone of your stature to pull off such suggestive dancing! Perhaps this wasn't the right act for you to do.

Corellia: Xelha, let me tell you something, woman to woman. You don't have to stoop as low as coming onto this stage and dirty dancing in order to get people to notice you. It will only degrade you and diminish your influence on other people who trust you. So please, don't sell yourself for such purposes. (Some women agree and clap)

Giacomo: When I agreed to do this show, I don't think it stated anywhere on the contract that I had to watch or approve of some shrewd broad like you shaking your bottom like you own the place! (Commotion starts, male protests versus female arguments) Now tell me, is that your only talent?

Xelha: (meekly) I only wanted to show people that I'm not all work and business. I wanted others to see that I can let loose just like anyone else! Why can't anyone see that I only wanted to express another side of myself? (Starts to cry and runs off stage, bumping into LYUDE)

Lyude: (softly) Xelha, are you alright?

Xelha: (sniffing, hugs LYUDE) They didn't like me! I showed my fun side for a change, and all they can do is put me down. (Sobs) I should have gone with my original act and done my memorization of the Declaration of Independence!

Savyna: (walking over and whispering to KALAS) Some little banshee needs a bit of therapy! She had more raunchy moments than a "Sex and the City" TV marathon!

Lyude: comforting XELHA by slowly rubbing her back) It's alright, it's alright. Come now, I thought you were sexy out there. (realizes what he just said and covers his mouth)

Xelha: (wiping her tears) You really mean that?

Lyude: (hesitantly) Uh, yes, with all my- (cut short. XELHA begins making out furiously with LYUDE, who tries to resist, but eventually gives in. KALAS and SAVYNA watch in shock as they go at it. LYUDE breaks away for a minute) How about we go and take this, you know, somewhere else? (XELHA nods and yanks LYUDE into the nearest dressing room, slamming the door behind her. Silence.)

Savyna: (after a moment) Ok, now that's just wrong!

Ana: (from the stage) And now for our final act for the evening, get ready to laugh with the comedy of our favorite blue-haired delinquent, Kalas!

Savyna: (pushing KALAS onstage) Good luck, kid. I'm going to see if I can get that hoochie away from that poor Lyude before anything bad happens. (takes off earrings) Hold my earrings. (Pushes up sleeve and storms to the dressing room. KALAS glances to the side as he makes his way on stage in front of the applauding crowd, remembering to pocket the earrings.)

Kalas: Good evening, ladies and germs! Wow, have we got a crowd tonight! (looks out into audience) But I could have sworn there was at least double the amount of people here…Oh wait! That was before Geldoblame left! (Crowd laughs) Well, anyhow, true story…I was at the Magnus store one day and I saw this girl go up to the counter and ask for some rice paste and a Magnus for Headache Beans. When the clerk asked if it was for one person or two, she replied, "I'm not sure. Mommy broke her fancy serving platter, so she needs rice paste. And Daddy is what she broke the platter on!" (Laughter and applause) And while I was there…

Savyna: (yelling from offstage) Get the hell off of him, you hooker! Deadly Heat Scythe! (An explosion can be heard from backstage and a quick burst flames blows KALAS in the face as he turns to see SAVYNA strutting onstage unharmed carrying an unconscious LYUDE on her back. She lays him on the floor and turns to KALAS.) Well, it's a good thing I went in when I did, otherwise that charred little sleaze-burger over there would have taken advantage of Lyude. (LYUDE moans and wakes up)

Lyude: (groggily) Is she gone? Savyna, you saved me! What happened?

Savyna: Xelha was trying to lead you on, but I wouldn't let that occur. Did she…you know…take it to "that" level?

Lyude: (shocked) Oh, absolutely not! You see, I still have all my clothes on! I swear upon my life that we did not-

Kalas: We believe you, man. You're an honest guy, and you're too respectful to ever do anything like that.

Ana: (running up to KALAS) Shouldn't we get a doctor? Xelha's almost burnt to a crisp!

Kalas: Uh…yeah! On the double!

Ana: We apologize, folks. We're going to take a break now. But in the meantime, make sure you vote for your favorite using your Voting Magnus. The lines will be open for a while, I guess, until we get Xelha to the emergency room. Run the commercials, Trill!