Ms. Kreatopita: REJOICE!!!!!! I'm finally back on track, and I say it deserves a party! Bring the music!
Kalas: (brings in heavy metal CD collection and a huge boombox) Got it!
Ms. K: Bring the champagne!
Xelha: (carries at least a half dozen bottles in her hands) Right here!
Ms. K: Bring in Lyude the Stripper!
Lyude: …the hell?
Disclaimers: I do not own Baten Kaitos, any talent shows, or any materialistic things for that matter…
Baten Kaitos Talent Search
Gibari and Mizuti
(In the crowd, the usual suspects in the front row sit, chatting during the commercial break. Then, out of the blue, CATRANE, KODELE, AND GLADYSS waddle, glide, and strut respectively down the aisle and sit in the row behind them.)
Ayme: (turning to the three witches) Shouldn't you all be with your Fudgesicle Queen, making sure she doesn't die or anything?
Kodele: Her Majesty is doing very fine and seems to be reviving at a quick rate.
Gladdys: Indeed, I have never seen her so calm and happy while in such a ridiculously fatal position with 99.5 of her skin as crispy as a bag of pork rinds.
Catrane: (jumping up and down) Yes! Queen Xelha was oh so giddy, and she was singing happy nonsense songs like a little child, and laughing cheerily. She told everyone that walked by how much she loved them, and she had so much fun playing with the button hooked up to the I.V.
Folon: (whispering to AYME) I don't think these old farts know a thing about modern medicine…
Fadroh: (turning to the three witches) Sorry to interrupt your…"positive"tidings, but did any of you consider that she was hooked up to an I.V. filled with morphine? (Silence)
Kodele: (clearly oblivious to what was just said) I think it comes from Queen Xelha having come from a brave lineage of Ice Queens.
Gladdys: Indeed!
Catrane: Well said!
Kodele: I must agree!
Gladdys: Quite so!
Catrane: Funky fresh!
Folon: Shut up! The show's about to start! (All immediately hush as the lights dim and the pop music plays once again. ANA walks onstage and the crowd applauds)
Ana: Welcome back, Anuenue! Even with only four contestants remaining, the competition is becoming more intense by the moment. Already, two of our contestants have put on their best performances all season, and only two more have to dish it out in hope of winning your votes. So, without further ado, please welcome back the rocking oarsman from Diadem, whose tunes are tighter than Geldoblame's pants after raiding a buffet…the one and only Gibari! (Crowd claps as GIBARI comes onstage with a guitar made of thunderfish bone hooked up to a huge amplifier. He is dressed in his denim suit and shades, and with a nod to the Greythorne at the drum set, he starts up a psychedelic Jimmy Hendrix guitar song.)
(Meanwhile, in the back of the studio…)
(MELODIA is seen near the back door of the studio sitting on the stairs, holding a copy of the Wazn Street Journal in one hand and a Subway sandwich in the other. She reads it while KALAS adjusts his sparkly disco suit and tries out his platform shoes.)
Melodia: (reading from the newspaper) Ugh…Dark and Chronos Magnus are down by twelve points and the sea bream has gone down by 6.5. What has the Sky come to?!
Kalas: (looking over MELODIA's shoulder and pointing to various parts of the report) Well, you might want to consider investing in Water and Wind Magnus, seeing as they're at a constant rate now and projected to increase by thirty points each by the third quarter; and with the rise of oil prices in Alfard, together with the 1.6 jump in Nashira taxes, you'd be safe with putting half of your shares with sea bream into the airship industry until Mirage Weed picks back up in the first quarter of the coming year.
Melodia: (devilishly) Yes, and once next year's inflation kicks in, we'll take advantage of the declining Fire Magus and musical instrument shares, expand their promotion through advertisement, and then we'll buy out the stock market and rule the world! Wait…What the hell am I talking about?!
Kalas: You mean you finally remembered your vilely evilish devilish plan? (points at his and her sparkly disco suits as a reminder)
Melodia: Shut your face! Didn't I just turn you into Dark Kalas a while ago?
Kalas: (taking out a bottle of pills and shaking them) Antidepressants can work wonders!
Melodia: Where are you trying to go with that? Are you saying that the Touch of the Almightily Mighty Evil God Malpercio (patent pending) is just a simple bout of depression that pill popping can cure?
Kalas: (passing the pills her way after consuming one half of the bottle) Why? You want some?
Melodia: (pouting and visibly infuriated) ARG! What I need is the Angel of Darkness, not some druggie who could mock his own mother without a care in the world and vomit in the face of a god with his words of utter stupidity! (thinks for a second, then says to herself) I need to get Kalas back in touch with his dark side…perhaps if I rubbed alcohol on a wound in his heart that will never heal for the rest of his days…
Kalas: That's not funny, you know; I have one wing and that will hurt for the rest of my days… (turns to some unseen camera and speaks in a formal voice) Discrimination against one-winged people is not only unjust; it is defamation to the entire principle of the Wings of the Soul. We all have, within us, a pair of wings that want to break free of the bonds of oppression and soar together in harmony, without prejudice against those who are aerially handicapped. Please donate to the One Wing, One World Fund by calling 1-800-ONE-WING or if you feel sorry for totally wingless people like Lyude, call this number. (LYUDE's cell phone number appears on the bottom of the screen with fine white print stating "One Wing, One World is not responsible for fangirl-related spaz attacks)
Melodia: (whacking KALAS on the head with a rolled up Wazn Street Journal, knocking him out for the count) One wing, one less idiot to have to deal with! Humph! I'll just have to do this myself! (tries to drag KALAS into through the open studio door, but can't bear the weight. Having only dragged him halfway through the door, she finally calls upon a South Beach diet Magnus, making KALAS a whole lot thinner. She now drags him into the studio.)
(Back onstage…)
(During this time, GIBARI has already received his positive comments and gone backstage. Now MIZUTI is in the middle of a mind bogglingly awesome magic show. Already, she has conjured all four members of Il Divo, turned SKEED's Imperial uniform into a frilly dress, made an elephant fly around the studio, and turned KODELLE, CATRANNE, and GLADYSS into Playboy Bunnies. Now MIZUTI searches among the audience.)
Mizuti: The Great Mizuti be needing another volunteer. One who be brave. Courageous. Not girly like Lyude. (She spots her target) Ah! You there! You be willing to come onstage for the Great Mizuti? Come now. It be only one trick. A single one. No more than three. (A confused LLOYD from Tales of Symphonia steps onstage, urged on by the crowd)
Lloyd: What the hell? How did I get here? Oh god, I have to get back to the group before Kratos beats the crap out of me, or worse, bores me to death!
Mizuti: Now, now, relax! Calm down! Take a chill pill! You be the perfect young lady for this next trick!
Lloyd: (reddening with embarrassment and trying to get a hold of himself) What the…?I'm not a girl! And I'm supposed to be traveling the world searching for some towers in order to save the world from an evil, impending hellfire doom with a hot blond chick, my Albino friend, his PMS-crazy sister and some tough guy who gets more girls than me!
Mizuti: Someone be having too many Beer Magnus! (crowd laughs and cheers) Now, for this trick, I be needing you to get into this suspicious Chinatown box. (Said object appears out of nowhere) Now, you be standing right in here. (Levitates LLOYD and crams him into the box) Now, the Great Mizuti be tossing not one, not two, not three, not four, not five…
(Five minutes later)
Mizuti: (still talking) …not four hundred ninety-nine, but five hundred knives at the box. Be you ready! (Does not hear LLOYD's muffled swears as she conjures exactly five hundred and one knives one to pick her teeth with and hurls them at the box. Gasps from the crowd. The box is covered in knives. Casually, MIZUTI goes over to the box and knocks on the door.)
Mizuti: Hello? You be alright in there? (Not a sound. Opens the door a crack and peeks in. A small stream of red liquid leaks out of the door of the box) (Silence) (Gulps and mutters) Oh crapcakes! (Quickly disappears offstage, leaving the box behind, as the auditorium erupts with panic.)
Ana: I'm sorry folks. It seems that one of Mizuti's tricks went terribly wrong…Please join us tomorrow night for the results to see who will move up to the finals. Ugh, I think I have to throw up! (Clutches her mouth and runs offstage along with other contestants and producers)