A/N: So, based on the comments, I think I need to remind a few readers to breathe! Deep, relaxing breaths. I'm so glad people are enjoying this story. Thanks for the feedback!

-- Teacup

I See – Chapter 8

Mac stood outside on the Admiral's porch, leaning against the railing and taking in the cool air. She was trying to calm herself, but the porch didn't exactly have soothing memories. The last time she and Harm had come to their commanding officer's home, the two of them spent most of their time out on this porch. It had been her engagement party … to another man. The wrong man.

She and Harm had hashed through a lot that night. And in the end … he had left her more confused and conflicted than ever. She sighed at the memory of the kiss they had shared that night. That kiss, which was meant to be a soft, simple goodbye, a testament to their friendship, but … had taken on a life of its own after Harm didn't let it go. She silently chuckled. … Harm had trouble letting a lot of things go.

If it had been under any other circumstances, that kiss would probably rank among her all time favorite moments. Any other scenario and she would not have walked away from him. She would have embraced him. She had struggled that night to walk back in the house when what she really wanted was to cling to Harm and beg him never to let her go. But it was not to be. She went back to Mic and he to Renee.

Then her world turned upside down, or maybe right side up. She wasn't sure. Harm nearly died, Mic left her, Renee left him, and she and Harm agreed to be back at the beginning. The beginning of what, she had no idea. Sure, she'd been the one to suggest it, but that was simply to counter his suggestion that they were at the end. She didn't know what he had been referring to when he said that either, but she knew she didn't want to end anything with him. The beginning sounded much better.

So what was he trying to do tonight? Was he trying to extend a beginning or an end? It sounded like Harm was proposing the beginning of a defined friendship … one with boundaries and limits. The end of all her dreams to have something more with him. That's really why she ran away this time. Why she didn't want to hear what he was trying to tell her. If he didn't say it, then she could still cling to hope. Hearing it, on the other hand, would make it so.

She sighed and put her hands over her face for a moment. Why did things have to be so complicated? It shouldn't be. She loved him after all. And he … well, he cared about her. She didn't doubt that. She had to smile at how he had gotten her food tonight. He had definitely been thinking about her. He was a good friend in so many ways.

And on some level, she knew he loved her. He had told her that on this very porch, hadn't he? 'Mac, you have someone who will always love you,' he had said. She was fairly sure he was speaking about himself and not Mic. But she wasn't sure how far Harm's love went. Or if he would ever be willing to risk being with her. After all, as he had so adeptly put, men who had been involved with her ended up dead … or feeling like they were.

Maybe it was because she loved him so much, that she should be willing to let him live his life independently of her. To spare him her curse, if nothing else. … But Harm didn't believe in curses or bad luck. He'd made that clear on several occasions. So should she believe she was cursed? … No. It wasn't a curse … Things ended badly because of her bad decisions. Always choosing to be with the wrong men for the wrong reasons.

Somewhere inside her, she still hoped that if she could just be with the right man … it would all work out. She could create the family of her dreams with him. And every time she pictured it, that man was Harm.

Sometimes she thought he wanted the same thing with her. For instance, he hadn't forgotten about their baby deal. She had been surprised when he brought that up the night of her engagement party.

Where was he going with the idea of the baby deal anyhow? Normal people don't do things like that. She had hoped it had meant more than just the biology of having a child, but she really was not sure. Harm and his puzzles! If he would just let her in about how he felt and what he really wanted. She was getting mixed signals from him all the time, and it was driving her nuts!

But she hadn't been much better as far as giving him signals, had she? She reacted to him based on how she perceived her chances were with him. It suddenly occurred to her that he might be doing the same. That each of them were so stubborn that neither wanted to make the first move?

She considered that for a moment and briefly felt guilty about the possibility that she was somehow holding him back. But she had made the first move. She was the one who had let him know she wanted him in Sydney. Frankly, she didn't know if she could take the rejection again. Her heart just didn't feel that strong.

Mac's thoughts were suddenly interrupted when the front door opened. She turned her head slightly in that direction, - just enough to catch Harm's figure in her peripheral vision.

"What part of 'do not follow me,' did you not understand?" If it had been a few minutes earlier, that question would have been yelled at him, but since Mac had cooled, it came out as bitter, but soft sarcasm.

"The 'not' part," he replied, managing a small smile in an attempt at easing the situation.

"Obviously," she answered, looking completely away from him.

"Mac, … I, uh, didn't mean to upset you."

She shook her head. "It's okay. It's just been a long day for me. Maybe I shouldn't have even come here tonight. I probably should have gone straight to bed after I got back from the investigation."

"No, I'm glad you came," he said softly. "And don't let me ruin your time here tonight. … I'll give you space if that's what you want. I guess I was getting a little insistent." With a small grin he added, "Must be that control-freak part of me."

Mac looked up at him compassionately. "You're not really a control-freak, Harm. No more than I am."

He laughed slightly. "So I definitely have control issues then."

That earned him a glare, along with a trace of a smile.

"Anyhow," he continued, "I didn't mean to pressure you tonight."

Mac turned to face him straight on. "I do want us to talk, Harm," she reassured him. "But I'm not sure tonight is the best …"

"It's okay," he stopped her. "Some other time," he agreed. He didn't want to force her on his timetable. He was just happy that she didn't seem to be so adverse to him anymore.

She nodded and turned back to the railing. Harm felt drawn to her and stepped closer so that he was standing behind her. Despite the tension that had been between them earlier, Mac felt comforted by his proximity and found herself leaning back against him just a little.

He smiled at her action and could not resist bringing his hand up to her shoulder.

At his touch, Mac felt an electric shock of sorts. She reflexively started to turn her head, but somehow had the sense to stop reacting. She didn't want to scare him away. She treasured feeling his hand on her.

To cover the sudden movement that she had begun with her head, she turned her neck, stretching it. It actually was stiff from all the strain of the day – her investigation and then the stress of considering her issues with Harm.

He noticed. "You're tense."

"A little," she admitted. "It's been a long day."

He brought up his left hand to her other shoulder and began massaging her on both sides, working his way closer to her neck.

"Is this okay?" he asked, hoping he wasn't overstepping. It had been a long time since he had touched her like that.

"Oh, … more than okay," Mac responded, clearly enjoying the sensation of his fingers kneading her muscles. She closed her eyes and, for the moment, let herself get lost in his touch.

------

TBC …

A/N: Much better place to leave it for tonight, yes?