Disclaimers: I do not own Baten Kaitos, or a good enough excuse for not working on this that would not make you throw projectiles at me. This story is long overdue for completion, and I want to finish it ASAP! Thank you to all the loyal readers who have stuck with the show up until this point!
Now, please put up your kitchen knives and enjoy this very belated installment of…
Baten Kaitos Talent Search
The Finalists Are…
(The Regulars, in addition to the three Ice Witches, sit in the front row and chat calmly as pandemonium ensues all around them following MIZUTI's performance. Some people shriek obnoxiously, while others faint, vomit in their popcorn buckets, or have heart attacks [in some cases all of this simultaneously. The stage is dark and has been evacuated, and in the dimness a Greythorne can be seen mopping the little lake of blood up. Pushing through the havoc towards the front row, SKEED returns from the bathroom completely unaware of the previous occurrence. He plops down between REBLYS and FOLON.)
Skeed: (to REBLYS, sighing and with a slight smile on his face) So, what did I miss?
Reblys: (giving SKEED a very awkward look) All I'm gonna say is that you don't wanna know. (shakes his head and turns to AZDAR) I wonder how the finalists are gonna be decided. Mizuti will almost certainly get the boot from the executive producers before the voting starts, so what about the other three?
Azdar: Whatever the case, I just want Savyna to win! Thanks to you, Reblys, I've discovered that true beauty goes deeper than just having a fine-
Folon: Does anyone else here have an ominous feeling that something horrendous may occur at any given moment? (All stare at him)
Ayme: No.
Kodelle: Not a thing.
Gladdys: Really now?
Catranne: Nuh-uh.
Reblys: Nope.
Azdar: I don't feel anything.
Fadroh: I think your groin injury is making you hear things.
Kamroh: I would have to contradict the untrue statement that I do not, not feel no thing, or that I do not, not, not, not, not feel not nothing. Though in fact if I do not feel nothing, I would indeed feel something, but seeing as I do not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not, not feel something, I would have to conclude that I do not feel a thing, just as our ancestors did one thousand years ago when they were entangled in the perilous fight against the nefarious, disreputable might of the evil god-
Prince of Persia: Shut the hell up, meat wad! (jumps from a seat behind KAMROH and chops his head off, which rolls onto the floor. He then rewinds time back to his line)…the hell up, doofus!
Fadroh: Wasn't that supposed to be "meat wad", not "doofus"?
Prince of Persia: (gasps and steps back) I see…you are unaffected by the Sands of Tme…No! It can't be! The Dahaka has taken the form of a gay man and come to erase my existence! By Shiva's boxers, I must defy Fate yet again! HYAAAAAAAAAA! (he runs out of the theater shouting his battle cry insanely, while the Regulars look on in confusion.)
Azdar: Don't worry guys, I know him from my PTSD meetings. (calls back to PRINCE who bolts out the door) See you Wednesday, bud! (turns back to Regulars) Helluva pal, I tell ya!
Catranne: Hey, I start they're thinking up – I mean, I think they're starting up! (Entire crowd stops in mid-action as the house lights dim again and the pop music begins to play. Nervously, the crowd takes their seats again and claps insecurely as ANA reappears onstage.)
Ana: Welcome back. I'm afraid I have some horrible news…Mizuti has been arrested and charged with possession of an illegal weapon. She has therefore been disqualified from the competition. And on a less important note, Lloyd died on the way to the hospital. (Four distinct cheers are heard from the balcony seating) Genis, Rayne, Collette, Kratos, if you would kindly stop holding a victory party in the balcony. (Turns back to the audience and speaks in a more excited voice) But your votes have been counted, Anuenue, and our two finalists have been decided! (Crowd cheers as normal) With only two spots and three contestants to choose from, who will be sent home? Will it be Savyna the graceful dancer, or the crooning Lyude, or the rocking Gibari? Why don't we find out…after this short break!
(Meanwhile behind stage…)
(MELODIA has woken KALAS up with some martini olives, and now they crouch in their disco suits near a door labeled with a star that says "Lyude")
Melodia: Our first initiative in "Operation Final Demise" is to eliminate all other competition. Once that is done, the rich snooty producers will have no choice but to let me be crowned the champion! And with my newly endowed title, I will spread the reign of Malpercio to the four corners of the Sky! (laughs maliciously)
Kalas: Uh, no you won't…
Melodia: What?! Is my Angel of Darkness openly doubting the omnipotent potency of the potentful rule of the potent Malpercio?
Kalas: I don't give a ollifant's ass about evil gods. What I'm saying is that…(pulls out a contract that unfurls all the way to the floor and reads) …and I quote, "If ever the incident should arise that an crazy, evil-god-worshipping little brat tries to burn, drown, shoot, scalp, choke, explode, impale, slice, dice, dissect, mutilate, decapitate, lobotomize, castrate, etc., all of the other contestants for her own benefit, then she will be sentenced to a lifetime of evangelical Christian hospitality services." End quote. (contract magically rolls itself back up) Besides, you'd still have me to face, remember?
Melodia: (shouting in agony) NO! I don't want to be surrounded by religion! God of atheism, don't subject me to – (is hit with a sudden revelation) Ahhh…but we don't have to kill them all. Yet.
Kalas: (rolling his eyes) Oh god, here we go again…
Melodia: (oblivious to KALAS' comment) Indeed, if we gradually pick the final three off, using non-lethal methods, then it will appear as though there was no evil god intervention! Melodia, you are a sly little fox!
Kalas: (muttering under his breath) No, you're just a stuck-up twit who finally used the off-brand version of common sense…
Melodia: (spins around, her eyes glowing red, in a demented voice) Did you say something, you worthless subordinate? (KALAS, scared, hurriedly shakes his head to deny the accusation. Back to her normal voice) Thought not. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a contestant to harass. (She and KALAS quietly open the door to LYUDE's dressing room and slip in unnoticed. LYUDE is sitting in his makeup chair, his back to them, reading the latest edition of "Cebalrai Illustrated" magazine. He flips past the Trill centerfold, reads for a second, and then looks up at his mirror. He's nearly blinded by the sparkly silver disco suit of MELODIA refracting in the mirror. LYUDE turns to face her)
Lyude: I demand a reason why you and Kalas have invaded my privacy! (hastily stands up while behind him, KALAS rushes behind a conveniently placed mini fridge.)
Melodia: (looking around and replying innocently) Kalas? I don't see a Kalas here…
Lyude: (whipping his head around, confused) Really, now? I could have sworn he was here just a minute ago…(turns his head towards the mini fridge, just missing a tuft of blue hair sinking below it. MELODIA takes advantage of this distraction to unbutton her disco top and to let her girls say hello. He slowly turns his head back around) That's odd; how could that possibly – AAAAAAAAGH! (faints dead away)
Melodia: (closes her shirt and buttons it) Introverted sissy's probably never even seen a girl in a bra…Kalas! Feed him to…(wrings her hands in an evil manner) …the fangirls!
Kalas: (gasps in shock) Th-the fangirls? Melodia, how could you be so cruel?! For pretty guys such as Lyude and myself, that's worse than death! Many handsome men would rather undergo a slow, painful death than have rabid fangirls turn loose on him! Why, I've seen some men go eunuch rather than face such torture! Personally, I would just as soon eat my own –
Melodia: (screaming in rage) Just get it over with, you oedipal piece of excrement, before I set the fangirls on you, too! (KALAS obeys without further question, dragging the unconscious LYUDE out of the dressing room and towards the main lobby, where a pack of ecstatic fangirls await.)
(Meanwhile, back on stage…)
(The commercial for Celestial Alps Travel Agencies has ended. ANA, with an envelope in her hand, comes back onstage, where three stools are now set up.)
Ana: Now for the moment you have all been waiting for; your votes have been counted, and here in my hand I hold the names of the two who will stay with us another night. Which of these fabulously talented stars will have to leave us? Who will be one step closer to fame? Let's bring our final three out! (Crowd cheers as GIBARI and SAVYNA walk out on stage. Slowly but surely, the cheers turn to hushed, concerned whispers as they wait for the third contestant)
Savyna: (whispering loudly to GIBARI) Where's Lyude?
Gibari: (shrugging) Hell if I know. Though I doubt it has anything to do with me seeing a guy who looked like Kalas dragging an unconscious guy who looked like Lyude to a mob of fangirls…
Catranne: (calling out over the din from the rear lobby doors) Lyude's been raped – I mean, mugged! (The camera crew follows behind as ANA, SAVYNA, GIBARI, the Judges, and the Regulars run ahead of the crowd to behold a battered LYUDE sprawled out in the lobby, once again knocked out. The Regulars keep the crowd back while the Judges examine LYUDE)
Giacomo: (checking for a pulse) Dear god, what monster named Melodia could have done this?
Corellia: Someone is trying to sabotage the show…I have a feeling that Lyude was only the beginning.
Fadroh: (running from the defense line and addressing the Judges) The press has been shooting live, with millions watching sky-wide, and now this has to happen! Our ratings will go down for sure and the producers will have all of our heads! Do you think we should cancel the rest of the competition to avoid a conspiracy?
Ladekhan: No, the show must go on! (the crowd hushes as he turns to the main camera and speaks firmly.) We can't give up. That's exactly what our perpetrators expect, dear Fadroh; for us to surrender. Well, I am here to tell you now, Anuenue, and fellow dwellers of the sky watching from their homes, that as a judge and co-producer of this show, I will do all I can to keep this show running! (Some cheers from the crowd.) True, what has happened to Lyude will not go unpunished, and we pray profoundly for his quick recovery, but it is times like these when we must come together as a people and move forward! Why dishonor the thousands who initially auditioned for this show? Why extinguish the dream of our brilliant finalists? Why leave audiences everywhere unable to watch or participate in such a top-notch television program? No, what we must do now is get Lyude to a hospital, and then carry on with the finals. Let's show our oppressors the true strength of the viewer! (Entire crowd breaks out into a loud cheer and applause.)
Ana: (wiping tears from her eyes) What a beautiful speech, sir! Please join us tomorrow night for our fateful finals round! It's Savyna vs. Gibari; how will the performances stand against the magnitude of recent events? From Komo Mai, stay safe and have a good night! (Credits roll)