Part 9
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Scarlett knew she looked horrible. She hadn't eaten breakfast yesterday morning when Rhett had left nor had she ate lunch for she hadn't wanted to face him after her humiliation. Then Mammy had called her for supper but she had slept through that too. Which was just as well for she didn't have an appetite.
Now it was 8:30 in the morning and she was critically staring at herself in the mirror. Her face was so very pale and gaunt. She looked dead and lowered her face in her hands, suddenly so very tired for her twenty-seven years. She wished that Ellen were here or Melly. Why hadn't she called?
Smoothing her red robe she rose from the seat of her vanity and went back to sit on her bed. Later she would go out and face Atlanta. She would go see Bonnie's grave. She sobered at that thought. She didn't even like to see the five grave stones at Tara. She hardly visited mother and father's grave for it was too painful.
It reminded her of her loss and the old days that could never come back. But she knew with a sense of duty that she must go to Bonnie's grave. Maybe even Melanie would come with her, she needed Melanie's quiet strength desperately. And she knew Melanie would go with her.
For she remembered Melanie putting flowers on some strange soldiers grave and the old cats had been reprimanding and stunned. But Melanie hadn't listened. Besides it was the least she could do for she hadn't done much for Bonnie when she was alive. If only she could! To have another child to truly love and take care of... she suddenly wished there was such a child.
But it was no use for she wouldn't have another child. Wade and Ella were frightened of her and spiritless and Bonnie was dead. Rhett wouldn't even touch her or hold her after that night. He didn't want her and had proved it on numerous occasions. No, she would never have another child since Rhett wouldn't make love to her again.
There was still the hope that she might be carrying another child now but certainly she couldn't be that fortunate. It's as if life were paying her back for all the wrong things she had ever done. She wondered if she would ever have happiness and decided against it.
There was a knock at the door. Sitting straight up she figured it was Mammy to help her dress for the day. Rising to her feet she decided she would send Mammy away for she would dress later. Opening the door she said, "Mammy I..." then trailed off foolishly seeing Rhett dressed and freshly shaven staring at her with a smile and a tray of breakfast.
"I thought I'd return the favor," he simply said as she moved aside and he walked in her room. he surveyed it as she followed behind him. Turning he eyed her. "I didn't see you come down for supper."
"I was sleeping and well I wasn't hungry."
She expected him to say something mocking but he simply said, "Sit down." And when she complied he set the tray of biscuits and eggs on her lap and sat at the edge of the bed.
"But I'm not hungry..." she said in protest but looking at the food she saw that was what she really needed. Rhett always knew what she needed and felt a feeling of gratitude wash over her. Looking at him through her lashes she murmured, "Thank you. I guess I really was hungry."
"I gathered as much," he said with a smile. "How was your night?" He pulled out a cigar and leisurely began to smoke.
"Oh, it was all right I suppose. No more nightmares and I didn't wake up once." She curiously looked at him between her nibbles on the biscuit. "And how about you, Rhett did you sleep well?"
He shrugged. "I've had better nights. But it's nothing coffee won't cure. I had a cup before I came up here."
"Oh." She nodded feeling very awkward. She took a bite of egg deep in thought. She was glad Rhett was being so kind. She missed these days. She knew she should make him beg for her forgiveness about yesterday. He had humiliated her but somehow her anger had faded away and the words she thought she would never say came from her lips, "I'm sorry about yesterday."
His eyes met hers in surprise, his usual mask gone. "What are you sorry for?"
"Well I haven't been too agreeable lately and I've said some awful things to you. I've just been so tired and short of temper..." she trailed off. "But I am sorry."
"You're forgiven," he warmly said with a slight smile. "But I do understand, Scarlett, after what has happened this past week I believe it is safe to say that we can act disagreeable. So what are your plans for today?"
She was glad for the change of subject and told him how Melanie would be coming over later and that she would write a letter to Tara. Somehow she got to the subject of going to visit Bonnie's grave.
"Do you want to come with us?" she asked lightly, wishing that he would.
His eyes dropped and he deeply sighed. His eyes hopelessly met hers. "I don't think I could. I want to imagine her as she was. Sometimes at night I imagine she is only sleeping or off playing somewhere... and that she isn't dead and it's not my fault."
Scarlett's eyes widened. Of course he still blamed himself. She felt awful that she had blamed him and setting her tray off of her lap she scooted forward and placed her hand hesitantly over his. Their eyes met and she gave him a sad smile.
"It wasn't your fault, Rhett," she softly said. "Bonnie would have jumped any ways for she was just like pa. With his temper, Irish pride and determination. But it's not your fault Rhett Butler and I don't want to hear you blame yourself again. You once told me after Frank died that I couldn't change what had happened."
His other hand covered hers and he gave her a slight smile. "Thank you for that, Scarlett."
Their eyes met again; warmth and understanding flowing between them. Perhaps it was the first time they had truly understood one another with openness and caring, without barbs and anger between them. It was the first time they had reached some sort of middle ground. And Rhett moved forward as if he were going to kiss her. Scarlett's eyes fluttered closed in anticipation but suddenly a knock sounded at the door and she muttered, "Oh, can't they leave us alone?"
Rhett stood up and went to the door. Opening it Scarlett saw Melanie standing there and blushing. She was glad to see Melanie but couldn't she have waited a few minutes? Oh what bad timing!
"Come in Miss Melly," Rhett said.
"Oh thank you Captain Butler, I had no idea you were in here and I'm sorry to impose..."
"Nonsense," Rhett interrupted. "You aren't imposing. I was about to take my leave any ways. Isn't that right my dear?"
He was asking Scarlett and she merely nodded. "Yes, Melly you do know how Rhett is always disappearing into thin air. But do sit down next to me and we'll have a nice chat."
Melanie sat down on the chair next to Scarlett's bed and Rhett bowed. "Good-by Miss Melly." He looked at Scarlett and smiled. "I'll see you later, Scarlett."
Then he was gone and Scarlett watched the door for a moment longer then necessary. She wished he hadn't left and her eyes met Melanie's knowing ones.
"What a wonderful man Captain Butler is," she murmured.
"Yes he is," Scarlett agreed, surprised to find she meant the words. Oh he was a varmint but there were times he was so wonderful such as this morning. She took a bite of her eggs and sighed, they were cold. But she ate them any ways for she was famished and listened to Melanie talk about the news in Atlanta.
The moment Melanie and Scarlett stepped out of the carriage to the cemetery a feeling of unreality hit Scarlett. Bonnie's funeral had been yesterday, no the day before yesterday. Only two days ago had the funeral taken place. She couldn't believe her daughter was dead and that she lay buried.
The head stone read her name and the date of her young life. The ground around the stone was still soft and not yet blended with the other dirt. For a moment Scarlett felt as if she would sink into the ground and be swallowed up. She shivered as Melanie put an arm around her and both kneeled, placing the multi-colored bouquet of flowers gently in front of the marble headstone.
Rhett had chosen the best. It was ivory colored and the lettering with slanting black letters. A little cherub was on there in the corner, flying with a crown of flowers on her head, the long hair flowing in the wind. The lettering read: Bonnie Blue Butler; beloved daughter and sister. But Scarlett's face was oddly emotionless, as if this were a stranger's grave stone before her and not her own daughter's.
"I miss her, Melly," Scarlett softly admitted, still kneeling. She looked over at Melanie fiercely. "I do miss her and yet I push it from my mind. I can't bear to think about it, so I forget. Forgetting is much easier but then at night... At night the dreams always come back to haunt me."
"My poor darling. I know how much you and Captain Butler loved her. Oh, darling you should have seen Captain Butler when you were sick. He's always loved you and Bonnie so much you know."
"When I was sick?" Scarlett asked looking over at Melanie. "What do you mean about Rhett, Melly?"
"Why he was beside himself. He blamed himself and I never saw a man so worried." She blushed. "He was crying and beside himself with guilt."
Rhett crying over her? No, it couldn't be true, it couldn't. She suddenly rose to her feet with a devastated look that Melanie took for pain of the memory.
"Oh darling!" Melanie cried, near tears as she rose to her feet and embraced Scarlett. "How thoughtless of me. I know how much you wanted the baby..."
Scarlett, swallowed, she wouldn't cry. She had wanted the baby but Rhett hadn't. Just as he hadn't wanted her. She pulled away from Melanie and numbly made it to the closest oak tree, leaning against its massive trunk and taking deep breaths into her lungs.
"I didn't think he cared," Scarlett whispered to Melanie.
"He cared so very much. He constantly asked if you had called for him. And I know you would have but you were delirious."
She looked past Melanie. If it were true then Rhett did care. Unless he had just been feeling guilty. But Rhett crying, he never cried except over Bonnie for he had loved that little girl. But her? Didn't he despise her? But if he had wanted her then they had been at cross purposes. And then there was Ashley...
Her brow furrowed. She didn't know anything any more. Nothing in this world made sense. She didn't even know if she loved Ashley any more. Rhett had once said that Ashley didn't love her but loved Melanie. Well, tomorrow she would go to the lumber mill and speak with Ashley. She had to hear it from his own lips or else all hope was lost. Surely he did love her though for all the pain she had went through. Kicking Rhett out of her room and slaving away for him and risking her life and honor.
If he didn't love her, she had nothing to live for. Rhett didn't love her or need her. Bonnie was gone and her other children were afraid of her. Her soul cried out in despair as her dry eyes met Melanie's. She grabbed Melanie's hand tightly, drawing strength from her and smiled lightly, "Let's go, Melly."
And when Scarlett returned home after dropping off Melanie at her small home she was surprised to find Rhett absent. Mammy told her that he was in the backyard. He was standing in the yard, not hearing her quietly slipping out onto the verandah and watching him. His fists were clenched but in a smooth motion he lit a match and lit the broken jump on fire.
The jump easily lit up with a few matches and soon smoke began to rise and the acrid smell of fire rose to her nose, carrying in the light wind. And her mind went back to when Atlanta had been lit up in the orange flames and Sherman had marched through. Rhett had fought the fire, taking her out of Atlanta and waay from the hell and fear of it.
Rhett dashed the ashes with his foot and the jump broke even more until it was a pile of burnt rubble and ashes. He put the fire out but smoke still rose. The fire had died out along with the jump. She saw his shoulders straighten and then he turned. Their eyes met as he wordlessly walked past her and went into the house.
TBC