Disclaimer: If you've read it or heard about it before in a Mercedes Lackey book, then it's hers. If you haven't read it before then it's probably mine, but I make no promises. I get nothing out of this but personal enjoyment and a larger headache because I have other stuff I should be doing.

A/N: Hello, hello, again everyone and here's Ch. 5. I was hoping to have this up a few days ago, but for some reason freaked out and wouldn't upload the chapter. But thankfully that's fixed so a HUGE Thank you, Danke, Merci, Domo arigato gozaimasu to the support staff for fixing the problem. And if they didn't, you guys rock anyway.

Lastly, I know I didn't reply to everyone's review for Ch. 4 and that's because I came down with the sinus infection from hell and the accompanying migraine and forgot who all I'd replied to. So if you didn't hear from me, I'm sorry but I do love you all. :D

Okay, time for things to get more interesting. I think I got all the plot holes filled but let me know if I missed any. Enjoy!

Ch. 5: Getting Back in the Swing of Things

I dreamt I was floating on a white puffy cloud, drifting silently through the sky without a care in the world. I was lying on my side, head propped on my right hand while my left was busy making swirls with the cloud matter, making them look like the tops of ice cream cones. For being so high up, it was surprisingly warm. The longer I played with the cloud, the sleepier I felt until I couldn't keep my eyes open any longer. I nestled my head in the crook of my right arm and snuggled into the cloud, pulling more of the fluffy white substance over me, until all you could see was my head and a splay of brown hair. But as I drifted off to sleep in my dream, I slowly began to wake in "real" life.

I was curled up on my right side and was as warm as in my dream, completely relaxed on the soft feather mattress. I opened my eyes bit by sleepy bit, not fully registering my surroundings. I was to one side of the mattress while the other side, which showed signs of previously being occupied, was empty. Across the room was a large window set into a stone wall, showing nothing but blue sky. I sat up and rubbed the sleep from my eyes. What the hell? I thought. Where the hell am I? Am I still dreaming?

I continued to look around the room and started to become more confused. This isn't my room, this isn't even Chicago. I must still be dreaming. Yeah, that's it. I shook my head and pinched my forearm to wake myself up. I felt the pain and yelped, but didn't wake. I tried a couple more times and had the same result; thus causing me to slightly panic. When you're in a dream and you're ready to wake up, you're supposed to pinch yourself. So why aren't I coming out of it? The longer I sat there willing my mind to come out of slumber the more worried I became when nothing happened. Then I heard it.

:Good afternoon, Chosen. I'm sure you slept quite well, considering who your bed partner was.:

"Wha…?" I said and snapped my head around, trying to find the source of the voice. My heart began to pound in my chest as it tightened and my breathing became more labored. A panic attack was beginning to set in.

:Jennifer, calm down, it's alright. It's fine, everything is going to be fine.: and the voice was followed by what was supposed to be a wave of comfort, but it only caused me to feel more afraid. My thoughts immediately went to the small bottle of pills I kept in my bag which was laying on the floor in front of the large wardrobe. I whipped the sheets back and dove for it, digging out the bottle and quickly swallowing two pills. Then I realized I was kneeling on a stone floor without a stitch of clothing on. Somehow knowing the wardrobe contained a robe, I threw open the doors and found the desired garment. I put it on and leaned against the wardrobe, shaking.

I was scared; I didn't know where I was or why I was hearing a voice in my head. Was it a realistic dream or had I progressed to the hearing voices phase of being insane. The items in the room had an air of familiarity but still felt foreign. I was unable to think clearly and my heart began to beat more erratically.

:Jennifer, Chosen, are you alright? Say something, please!: The voice sounded as frightened as I felt.

I looked around again and the events of the last week or so suddenly came back to me: hearing Trine Mindspeak to me the night at the bar, him showing up with the Feds, coming back to Valdemar, seeing Shayna and spending the night with Tashir. A wash of understanding and relief came over me as I let out a sobbing breath.

:It's okay, Shay. I'm alright. I just…wigged out there for a sec. I just need to calm down and I'll be fine.: I responded after a fashion, yet my words sounded shaky and unconvincing.

:Are you sure? Should I send for Nia or Talia?: Shayna may have been agreeing with me but I knew she wasn't buying it.

"No, I'll be fine. Damn, you scared the crap outta me! I know you didn't mean to, but yikes!" I placed my head in my hands and started to do some breathing exercises in effort to calm down faster. It was difficult; my heart was pounding so hard it felt ready to recreate the scene from Alien, only without the creepy-ass creature. Shayna continued to talk with me and calm me down until I heard the outer door of my suite open and hurried footsteps.

:That's just Tashir.: Shay warned me. :Just keep breathing and relax.:

The bedroom door opened carefully and a moment later I felt Tashir gather me in his arms and pull me into his lap. He didn't say anything, just held me and stroked my hair until my breathing sounded more normal. I clung to him like he was the only thing that could save me, not really understanding why. I just felt the overwhelming need to know he was there.

"Are you going to be alright?" Tashir asked some time later as he pushed some of my hair behind my ear. "Shayna said you woke up and started to panic."

"I think so." I turned my face more into his chest and breathed in the scent that was him. Warm leather, a sharp ting of wood and instrument polish, and pure male musk. He was the best thing I'd smelled in ages and it calmed me down further. "Just one more thing to put on my list of reasons why I hate mornings. Where did you go?"

"You were still asleep and I decided to find us some lunch. I was about ready to come back when Shayna said you needed me," Tashir said softly.

"You didn't need to rush back for me. I would've been fine after a few minutes," I said. I sat up straighter and tried to give him a look that said 'Don't coddle me', but stopped when I saw the stern eye Tashir was giving me. I looked away feeling ashamed.

He put a finger under my chin and brought my eyes back to his; still giving me the look normally reserved for a naughty child. "Jennifer, I'm going to say this once and once only so listen well. You said numerous times last night that you felt unstable and needed help. So no more of this 'Leave me alone and I'll be fine' attitude, because I am not going to let you bottle yourself up like last time. You no longer need to hide things because we believe you. We don't think you're crazy." Tashir then smiled a little. "Well, I think you're crazy, but only in ways that make you irresistible."

I gave a small laugh and Tashir's tone became somber again. "I mean it, my Dragon Heart. Nobody will think less of you for needing a shoulder to cry on. That's what friends and the Heraldic Circle are for. That's what I'm here for, to help take care of you."

"Do you really think I need to be taken care of?"

"In this case, yes. And no matter what you do or say, you're not getting rid of me."

"As if I'd ever want to be rid of you," I told him. We heard the outer door creak open, followed by the sound of someone placing a tray on the table and leaving. Tashir kissed me and helped me stand, then led me out to the main room to eat.

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Waiting and wondering was something I'd found myself doing a lot of over the last few days. Later that afternoon I found myself waiting outside the Council chamber to be called in and have my immediate future decided by the Heralds. I assumed the small assembled Council would put me back into training, but how or where I didn't have a clue. Would I stay in Haven or be sent away? Would someone come to Haven if Elspeth and Darkwind wouldn't take me?

Since there was no ugly brown carpet to wear a hole in, I tried to amuse myself by singing "99 Bottles of Beer" and fussed over my Gold colored uniform. I hadn't worn it since I'd returned to the States and was concerned it didn't look right. But when I reached seventy-five bottles and wouldn't stop fussing over the leather, Shayna threatened to kick me into next week so I stopped. Yet due to the catchy nature of the song it was still stuck in my head. When I reached fifty bottles she got really mad and blocked me out completely.

Luckily it wasn't too long afterwards that I was called into the Council Chamber and stood before the occupants of the horse-shoe shaped table. Daren was sitting in Selenay's usual seat, his hair now more white than gray but showed no other signs of aging; Talia, who's face was lined with more wrinkles around her mouth and curly gray hair only showing a hint of its former auburn color, sat to his left and smiled warmly. Kris was on the other side of his father and Elspeth, representing the Herald-Mage trainees, was next to him. On the other side of Talia was her husband, Dirk, who apparently was still the Collegium Dean. The ancient Seneschal's Herald, Kryil, was there as was Griffon, the Herald to the Lord Marshal. There were two other Heralds there, an older man with salt and pepper hair and a younger fellow about my age. I didn't recognize them and assumed they would be speaking for the Herald trainees and Heralds on Circuit.

The two Heralds I didn't know looked me over and seemed to approve of what they saw, as I saw the younger man nod slightly to the older. Daren cleared his throat to gain everyone's attention and I mentally readied myself. Okay, time to get professional. They just need to figure out what to do with you now, that's all. You've got nothing to hide from them.

"Welcome back, Herald-Mage Jennifer. I'm sure you've had an interesting few days," Daren said with a half smile.

I chuckled under my breath. "Interesting is an appropriately mild term, Your Majesty. But thank you, it's good to be back."

Daren pulled a piece of paper from the top of a small stack in front of him and looked it over. "The initial report Herald Trine gave us of you, I have to admit, has given us some cause for worry. He said you had been assessed by your mind-healers…scikiatrists…I believe the word is," he looked to me for confirmation and I corrected his pronunciation, "and they gave you a rather grim mental assessment. What can you tell us."

"Well, I wish I could paint a rosy picture for all of you, but I can't. To be honest, I'm amazed I'm standing here and am coherent." I then gave them the same story I'd told Trine, Kris, Tashir, Shay, and Nia. It was one thing to admit weaknesses to friends and trusted confidants, but another to admit those same weaknesses to some of the ranking Heralds. I felt ashamed at falling apart and not being able to keep my Gifts under control; I should have been tougher.

"How long has this been going on?" Dirk asked, worry etched into his features.

I bit my lower lip and thought. "For the better part of two years roughly," I told them. I was answered with a sharp intake of breath from everyone but Kris. "I know. I haven't hurt anyone and I don't think anyone has suspected anything, but I can't count of being that lucky all the time. I think the only reason I haven't lost full control is because I can still Ground and Center, so I'm not completely off balance."

"That's the good news because, with Gifts as strong as yours, you could have caused a disaster," Talia chimed in. I simply nodded.

"It's obvious you need to be retrained, there's no doubt about that. The question is, who's available to give you private lessons again," the older of the unfamiliar Heralds stated. "I don't think it would be a good idea to put you in classes with the younger trainees should you loose control."

"Darkwind and I have already agreed to handle your Mage training again," Elspeth said promptly. "We may have stopped taking students soon after we were done with you, Jennifer, but you're too powerful to trust to anyone but Firesong, and we know for a fact he's tied up at the moment." She raised a playful eyebrow at me. "Think you can still handle us?"

I smirked at her and returned the look. "With all the shit I've been through in the last decade, I should hope so. Just don't break me back in too fast."

"Then we'll start first thing tomorrow," she said.

After some more discussion, I felt like I was a fresh-faced trainee again since I pretty much had the same teachers from when I first entered the Collegium: Elspeth and Darkwind for Mage, Dirk for Fetching and Firestarting, and Talia for my Projective Empathy. All of them would be helping to strengthen my shields, as that would take care of the few hang ups I had with Mindspeech and ThoughtSensing. Thankfully, the only Gift I didn't have to worry about retraining was FarSight.

After the meeting was adjourned and I was about halfway down the hall I Felt a gentle Mindtouch from Kris. I jumped about a foot in the air.

:Holy crap, Kris! What're ya tryin' to do, give me a heart attack?:

:At the risk of sounding like Shayna, you need to get used to it again.:

I scowled. :Yeah, you do sound like her. Just don't give me the lecture too.:

:I will if I have to and you know it. Listen, Mother just finished with her private meeting and wants to see you. Think you can spare a few minutes?:

:Hell yes! Right now or when?:

:Now, so turn around. I'm waiting outside the Council door for you.:

I turned around and made my way back, met up with Kris and followed him to the Royal section of the Palace. The guards at the door to the Queen's Suite looked apprehensive when they saw me, but let me through as I was with Kris. We entered the richly furnished public room and passed through to Selenay's private office. She was sitting at her desk putting her official seal on some documents, but immediately stopped when Kris and I walked through the door.

"Oh, Jennifer! I am so glad to see you back!" the Queen exclaimed as she enveloped me in a motherly hug. It wasn't known to the rest of the Heralds or Palace, but since I was good friends with all the royal children (Elspeth, Kris, and Lyra), I'd been unofficially adopted by Daren and Selenay and was treated like one of the family. I returned the hug with equaled enthusiasm. The Queen had continued to age gracefully and didn't look a day over sixty, even though she and Daren were both in their eighties.

"It's good to be back, I think," I replied honestly and sat down on one of the couches. Kris took the seat next to me and Selenay eased herself into a large padded chair next to the couch.

"You think? You've barely been back a day and you already have misgivings?" she said with a touch of humor.

"No. Let's just say I had a rough day yesterday and waking up was no picnic either," I said.

The Queen took my hand and squeezed it. "I heard about that. How often do you have these panic attacks?"

"It varies. Sometimes little things will set me off and other times I can be fine for months. It just goes to show how unstable I am at times," I shrugged and posed a question to Shay. :I take it you passed the word around?:

:I told Rolan and he must have passed it on to Caryo. I'm not sure if all of the other Companions know, but that's fine. They don't need to.:

Selenay nodded. "So long as we can provide the help you need, I won't worry too much about you. I will let others do the worrying for me," and shot a significant look to Kris, who reddened slightly. "I do, however, need to know if you think you are still capable of fulfilling your duties as a Herald. Since Shayna still recognizes you as her Chosen, you have responsibilities that cannot be ignored."

"I am," I said firmly. "I'm ready and willing to do whatever it is I can as a Herald-Mage of Valdemar, even though I'm not yet able. I know when I'm back to full speed I'm probably going to be in the middle of a messy political situation but my obligation to Valdemar comes first. I haven't forgotten that."

"That's good to hear, Jenn," Kris smiled. "The Council has been wondering about that, especially Lord Alastor. He's been certain you'd side with the Americans and be their puppet." I groaned inwardly.

"Speaking of politics, what exactly is the situation?" I asked. "I didn't get much out of the people I talked to because I figured it would be better to hear it from you guys. What does the American government want and what are they offering in this deal?"

Kris sighed heavily and looked as if he didn't like what he was about to say. "So far it sounds like it's all on us. They say they want to borrow some Heralds and Mages to study and try to duplicate what they can do. Then they want the Heralds and Mages to find others over there with Gifts and help train the new recruits. If we do that, then they'll help us advance our technology."

"How many Mages and Heralds do they want?" I asked.

Kris's grimace deepened. "They say as many that we can spare, but have specified forty; twenty Heralds with varying Gifts and twenty Mages of all classes. Problem is, Valdemar can't spare any Mages or that many Heralds. And Rethwellan, Hardorn, Karse, and the varying schools are refusing to send of their Mages any over. Then the other day before you came back, the Americans said should you return and are retrained, they want you on a permanent basis."

"I told them it was out of the question since you, Elspeth, and Darkwind are the only Adepts we have," Selenay stated with a look that matched her son's, "but General Ekholm, the American's main spokesman, is adamant. He says because you are an American citizen you have an obligation to serve your country."

"Yeah, use the patriotic ploy," I scoffed and shook my head. I don't know why I'm surprised, but I am. I sorta expected to play Monkey in the Middle with the military. Greedy bastards. "Is it so much to ask to be an innocent bystander for once? I hear Mexico's nice this time of year."

Selenay squeezed my hand again and said bracingly, "Jennifer, I'd like to know something else, off the record. How do you feel about your home country being here, from your perspective as a Herald and an American civilian? This is as much about your position as a Herald as it is personal. I can't officially listen to your views but I can unofficially."

I sat back and thought it over for some time. It was a tricky question to try and answer from the Herald perspective, and almost too easy as a civilian. Trouble was, my sentiments from either side of the fence were pretty similar. Now I need to phrase them to sound like they come from two different sides. Damn, I hate having a split personality!

I bit my lip and chose my words carefully. "As a Herald, this situation could get way too complicated way too quickly for my taste and I don't like it," I finally said. "I know I've only been back for a day and know next to nothing, but from what I was told by the CIA guys who were with Trine, America wants to use Gifts for military use and that doesn't sit right with me. There's no guarantee they can recreate the Gifts in a lab, so why so many Heralds and Mages?"

"But when Kerowyn and I interrogated the Eastern Empire Mage Rassil, he said that he and Melles saw many Adept status Mages from your world," Selenay countered. "Why not use American citizens?"

"He did, but that don't mean squat," I replied and tried to think of a comparable allusion. "It's like when Valdemar didn't have Mages after Vanyel Ashkevron died. There were those with the Mage-Gift but it got trained as something else. Same thing in the States; obviously people have it but we don't use it. And that's assuming magic works the same way over there. Besides, tapping into nodes and ley-lines, should they exist in the same fashion over there, may be impossible without the aid of Adept-class Mages. And since nobody can or is willing to spare Mages, I don't know how the Americans expect to do anything."

"I remember you saying something similar about the Heraldic Gifts as well. People in your world claim to have then but are not believed," the Queen said.

I sighed heavily and paused to think some more. "They'd pretty much have to do their tests over here or send people here to get trained, and that's gonna go over like a turd in a punch bowl."

Kris looked confused. "But you were able to be trained, so why not others?"

I shook my head. "I'm not saying more Americans couldn't be trained, but that it would be very difficult. I remember telling you the day I left here, Valdemar got lucky with me because I'd read the books about this place and had an open mind. Not everyone in the States is going to be the same. And should the few who are open minded enough be trainable, there's no way to tell who would handle the psychological strain. Basically, the Americans are asking too much and I don't like it."

Selenay nodded and still looked grim. "The Council agrees and has said the same thing. It's too conditional. Alright, how do you feel on a personal level?"

I scowled at the thoughts in my mind. "I don't like this. I don't like it one fuckin' bit and I can't really put my finger on why. If I had to guess, it's because I'm afraid my government is gonna try and screw Valdemar over and I won't be able to do anything but sit back and watch it happen."

"Why?" Kris asked.

"Right now, America isn't the most popular country in the world because the President and lawmakers have pulled some pretty stupid shit," I said darkly. "They've lied to the public, gone against what the people want, and seem more concerned with making themselves look good. And because of that I can't help but think anything Valdemar gives them will be put to ill use while being waved under a false banner of good intentions."

"You don't trust them, another words?" Selenay asked.

"Not as far as I could chuck 'em. And with Fetching."

The Queen nodded in understanding. I could see she was mulling over what I'd said, and just like with me, it was leaving a bad taste in her mouth. "As I said before, I can't officially take your words under consideration, but I will keep them under personal advisement."

"Fine by me. I'm just glad I can't be called on to make any official decisions. I don't want to be in that position and I pity da fools who do." I laughed silently at my Mr. T. reference.

:Are any of your personal jokes ever going to make sense to me?: Shayna asked.

:Maybe someday.:

:Insane American.:

:Mr. Ed.:

Just then a page entered to remind Selenay of another meeting she needed to attend. We said our goodbyes and Kris decided to walk me back to my rooms. We walked in silence for a time before he broached another question.

"There's another reason you don't like your home country being here, isn't there?"

"Yup."

"It's because your loyalties are split, isn't it?"

"More or less, yeah."

"Care to elaborate?"

I stopped and tentatively probed the hallway to make sure no one was coming around the corner. It was just before dinner so luckily the corridor was deserted. "This doesn't go any farther, ok? I don't want anyone else knowing because it may make things difficult for the Council. And if I'm wrong, and I sure as hell hope I am, I'd rather my view wasn't made public knowledge. The only reason I'm telling you is because you may need to watch out for this."

"Got it," he said.

Man, it still don't sound kosher to hear him use American slang. "I've been afraid of this happening since I first came to Valdemar. Never once did I think it would be good for America and Valdemar to meet because too many things could go wrong. I don't even think it's good that I'm here and I'm on your side!" I said forcefully. "But the thing I'm afraid of most, is that I'll be forced to make some kind of choice between the States and Valdemar. I have a lot to loose on either side and I fear that leverage could be used against me."

"My mother and the Heralds would never make you choose a side, Jennifer! You know that!" Kris exclaimed.

:How can you think we would do something like that?!: Shay echoed.

"I know Valdemar wouldn't," I reassured him and Shay, "but I think America would. I don't know in what context or if they even would; for all I know they really do mean to play nice. But I just got a gut feeling, ya know?"

Kris rolled his eyes and ran a hand through his hair. "You're right, let's hope you're wrong and that doesn't happen."