"Can't Let Go"
Merlin stood over the small boat he'd constructed to lay Lancelot's body to rest. Devastation had torn his heart into pieces and left them scattered like shards of broken glass. Morgana had succeeded in driving a wedge between Gwen and Arthur, and he had banished her from Camelot. And Lancelot…Merlin's best friend had been miraculously back from the dead, only for it to all be a lie. The shade lay dead in the boat, wearing Lancelot's face. But Merlin knew his friend's soul was still trapped inside, bound by Morgana's heinous spell.
He bent down and placed a hand over Lancelot's forehead, then whispered words of the Old Religion, bidding the tormented soul be free. There was a shudder on the air as the magic coursed through the mortal shell, sweeping the soul out of the clutches of the cancerous entity within. The pale blue aura rose out of the body on swirls of light, and then to Merlin's shock, whooshed into him.
He fell backward onto his butt and sat dazed for several moments. The foreign presence churned inside him before gradually settling. Then a dearly familiar voice spoke inside his head.
"Merlin?"
"Lancelot." Merlin blinked in stupefaction. "Are you all right?"
"I think so… What's going on?"
"I was trying to free you from Morgana's curse. Though I did not expect…this to happen." Merlin felt his friend's aura shudder at the mention of Morgana's spell.
"Thank you," Lancelot's voice thrummed quietly. "Now what?"
Merlin had no idea. "We'll figure it out," he replied. And in the meantime, he was glad to have his best friend back, for real this time, if only in this very strange manner.
Merlin cast the boat into the lake with Lancelot's body, which now belonged to the shade. Then he returned to Camelot and told Gaius what had happened.
"Merlin! What were you thinking?"
"What was I supposed to do?" he rejoined. "Leave Lancelot's soul trapped with the shade for eternity? He didn't deserve that."
Gaius huffed in vexation. "You need to fix this."
"I will," Merlin promised and went to bed.
"Is Gaius right to be worried?" Lancelot asked fearfully.
"Gaius always worries."
The next day, Merlin saw to his chores as usual. Arthur was in a despondently quiet mood and barely said two words to him. Merlin felt the ripple effect of Lancelot suddenly being jolted by memory.
"No," he whispered. "Merlin…where's Gwen?"
He couldn't conceal his internal grimace from the soul he was sharing head space with. And so Merlin reluctantly told Lancelot what all had transpired after the shade and Gwen were caught in a clandestine embrace. Which, of course made Lancelot distraught and guilt-ridden. Merlin tried to tell him it wasn't his fault, but he was inconsolable and retreated into a dark corner.
Merlin started researching the dual soul possession and afterlife after that, but it wasn't long before he got caught up in other stuff. Elyan was possessed by the spirit of a Druid boy, and Lancelot finally roused from his depression to be mentally present with Merlin on his mission to save Elyan and Arthur.
Then Morgana and Agravaine seized Camelot and Merlin and Arthur were on the run. Things looked bad, but they managed to win back the city in the end and deliver Morgana a fatal blow. Gwen and Arthur were reunited and he forgave her, even crowned her queen.
"See?" Merlin said. "Everything worked out. You can stop blaming yourself for what the shade did."
Lancelot did seem glad at the marriage union, though Merlin could sense he hadn't fully forgiven himself for things that weren't even his doing. He was as much a victim as Arthur and Gwen had been.
Things were good now, and quiet. Well, life was quiet. Merlin's mind never was with Lancelot a constant presence. It'd been a long time since he'd felt this…happy. Though it wasn't always easy; Merlin could sense Lancelot's longing whenever they were with the knights but none of them knew Lancelot was there and he couldn't interact with them. He was nothing more than an observer trapped inside another's body, just like when he'd been possessed by the shade. Merlin wished there was something he could do, but Gaius had repeatedly reminded him how dangerous and evil it was to mess with the dead. But it wasn't like he'd done this on purpose.
"You haven't worked on the research in a while," Lancelot mentioned one day.
It was true, he hadn't picked it up again after Morgana's invasion, even though things were calm now. And on the subject of it, Merlin found himself reluctant to do it at all.
"I know this isn't ideal," he replied. "But I've missed having my best friend around, and now I have you back. I have someone I can talk to when all the magic stuff comes up…someone who knows who I really am. I don't have to hide with you."
Lancelot sighed but dropped it.
It was strange but comfortable, having Lancelot with him everywhere he went. Merlin just had to remember not to speak out loud during a conversation with him when other people were around. But while they were technically sharing a body, Lancelot didn't get to exercise any control or get to share in sensations, like the taste of food. Merlin hated that for him.
Even weirder was when Lancelot "slept" but Merlin was still awake. Sometimes he'd get flashes in his mind's eye of images that weren't familiar…and he realized Lancelot could still dream. Whatever they were about, though, they were not pleasant.
Merlin began to feel worn down and tired all the time. He blamed it on Arthur working him so much. Then he developed an ache in his chest, followed by a persistent, deep cough.
"You don't have any other symptoms of an illness," Gaius said after looking him over. "I suspect this is a result of having another's soul inhabit your body." He shot Merlin a stern look. "Have you made any progress on that?"
"I'm still working on it," he lied.
Gaius merely gave him a glower and made him a vile tasting tonic to drink.
"What if he's right?" Lancelot asked worriedly.
"It's nothing," Merlin brushed him off.
But he did finally go back to his research. Unfortunately, what he found only cemented his resolve to keep Lancelot with him. A soul that suffered as Lancelot had would either return to the Veil, or become a troubled ghost like that Druid boy. Merlin couldn't let either fate befall his friend. So he ignored his fatigue and minor cough and kept going on about his business.
Until one morning when a particularly nasty coughing fit brought up blood. Merlin blinked at the red glob in his palm. His chest ached fiercely with a weighted pressure he couldn't relieve.
"Merlin, stop this," Lancelot pleaded. "Just let me go."
"No."
"I'm killing you."
Merlin rolled his eyes. "I'm not dying. There's plenty of time to find another solution."
"I'd like Gaius's opinion on that."
"Well I don't!" Merlin snapped. "I know what Gaius will say, but he's wrong."
Irritation and frustration fizzled between both of them, and for the first time, Merlin begrudged his inability to get away for some peace and quiet.
Lancelot either sensed that, or he thought he could lessen Merlin's sickness by retreating into the farthest corner of Merlin's mind that he could go. Merlin let him.
He wiped his hand clean and hid the rag under his bed. He did not need another earful from Gaius about this. Yes, it was a problem, but Merlin was working to find a solution. He spent all of his free time poring over books. But the answer he found wasn't the one he wanted—yes, two souls in one body was damaging.
Lancelot must have been keeping watch from afar, because he suddenly returned to the forefront of Merlin's mind.
"Merlin, please, you have to cast me out."
"If I do that, your soul will either go back to the Veil or end up trapped on earth, never to find rest."
"You have no choice," Lancelot said soberly.
Merlin bristled. "I do have a choice. And I'm choosing to hold on until I find a better solution. You can't hide anything from me while you're in my head, you know. I know how horrifying the memories of the Veil are for you."
He felt a tremor through the companion soul.
"You made a choice to save me from that once," Merlin went on. "Now it's my turn."
But it was getting harder and harder to focus on his research, and his chores left him so exhausted that he started falling asleep every time he sat down.
"Merlin," Gwen said one morning, her expression pinched with concern. "Are you feeling all right?"
"I'm fine," he assured her.
"Please don't kill yourself for me."
"Like you did?" he retorted.
Lancelot retreated again, but it didn't help. Merlin was getting worse. He could only take shallow breaths, the heaviness in his chest was so pervasive, and he didn't know how much longer he could keep hiding the bloody rags he'd coughed into.
Then, one afternoon when he was on the training ground, lugging around a heavy shield as Arthur used him for striking practice, his knees gave out and he collapsed, the wooden shield landing on his chest and driving out what little air was in his lungs. He lay there only barely conscious, a haze of movement and urgent voices swirling around him. Then everything tilted as he was lifted up, and he saw white. The next thing he knew, he was being laid on the patient cot in Gaius's chambers.
"What happened?" Gaius asked sternly.
"I didn't hit him that hard," Arthur replied.
"He was looking a bit peaky," Elyan said.
"Did he strike his head?" Gaius asked next.
"No! I only hit the shield."
"Then why is he bleeding from his mouth?" Percival asked.
Merlin groaned and wished they'd all be quiet. His head was pounding. Lancelot's voice was faint in the background, begging him to hold on.
"Not letting you go," he mumbled stubbornly.
"What does that mean?" Elyan asked.
"He's delirious," Gaius responded.
"He doesn't seem to have a fever," Gwaine pointed out.
"What's wrong with him?" Arthur demanded.
"If you will all give me the room so I can examine my patient."
Merlin stiffened at that tone. "I'm not letting Lancelot go!" he told Gaius frantically. "You can't make me."
There was a palpable tension on the air suddenly, and Merlin squinted at a bunch of blurry figures.
"What does he mean by that?" Arthur asked in a hard voice.
"He doesn't know what he's saying, Sire."
A part of Merlin knew he needed to keep his mouth shut, but he really was delirious and couldn't seem to stop. "I can't banish Lancelot back to the Veil, Gaius. I can't, not after everything. Even if it kills me, I won't let him go."
"Merlin…"
"What is going on?" Gwaine asked.
Before anyone could answer, Gwen came rushing in.
"I heard there was an accident on the training field," she said, whipping her gaze around at all of them. "Merlin!"
He could feel Lancelot's pain at seeing her, his regret.
"It wasn't Lancelot who betrayed you," he blurted. "It was a shade. Morgana brought him back and bound him to her will. It wasn't him. It even enchanted Gwen!"
Everyone looked shocked at that.
"Merlin, stop," Lancelot urged. "You're going to reveal yourself."
"I don't care," he said aloud. "I don't care if my secret is out. I'm tired of hiding, tired of being so alone. And these past several weeks, I haven't been; I've had Lancelot back, and I'm not ready to let him go."
"You are dying, Merlin!" Gaius snapped, finally losing his composure.
Gwen's gasp filled the sudden silence.
"Someone explain what's going on," Arthur demanded.
Merlin pushed himself up into sitting, his shoulders shaking as he struggled to hold himself upright even in a hunched position. He met Arthur's gaze with reckless bravado. "I'm a warlock," he ground out. "I have magic. I always have."
Everyone's eyes widened, except for Arthur's, whose narrowed.
"That's enough," he said sharply.
"No," Merlin defied him. "I've always used my magic to serve you, Arthur, to save Camelot when it was in danger."
"Gaius said he's delirious," Leon interrupted, casting a wary look at Merlin.
Merlin scowled. Why was it that when he did admit to being a sorcerer, no one ever believed him? A cough punched its way up his chest, and he doubled over with a guttural hacking. His hands were too busy keeping him upright, so he couldn't catch the blood that dribbled down his chin.
Gaius grabbed a towel and held it under him, his eyes wide with real fear.
"I'm sorry," Merlin groaned when the fit stopped. "I didn't want to tell you. I knew what you'd say. But I can't abandon Lancelot. He doesn't deserve any of this."
"My boy," Gaius said sadly and rubbed his back.
"What about Lancelot?" Gwen asked stiffly.
Merlin winced. He finally had some semblance of control back, and he immediately regretted his thoughtless outbursts.
Gwen came over and knelt in front of him, the heart of a servant girl garbed in the finery of a queen. She took his hands in hers. "Merlin, tell me the truth. What are you saying about Lancelot?"
He squeezed his eyes shut. "When I took his body to give him a burial, I used my magic to free his soul from the shade he'd been bound to, but I inadvertently brought him into me, and I've been walking around with him ever since."
He caught the knights glancing at each other as though they thought Merlin was crazy, which he supposed might be better than them believing his ill-conceived confession.
Gwen studied Merlin with a mixture of emotions. "Lancelot is…with you now?"
He could try to take it back, but instead he found himself nodding. "He's been begging me to cast him out, but I can't, because then his soul will either return to the Veil, which is a terrible place full of suffering, or he'll end up like that Druid boy's ghost, tormented here."
Her expression pinched with sympathy, and there was another long beat of silence as everyone processed what he'd said.
Then Arthur spoke up with a hard, "You're a sorcerer?"
Merlin shot him an anguished look. "You can execute me if you want. Apparently I'm dying anyway." He staggered to his feet but couldn't keep himself upright and ended up catching himself on the bedpost. "How many times have I stood by your side? How many times have I saved your life? Like when the chalice was poisoned. Or when you were bitten by the Questing Beast. I used magic then. Or how about when Morgana's immortal army took over Camelot? I had a magic sword, and Lancelot and I went to get the Cup so we could stop the army that couldn't be killed. And so many other times you don't even know about, with bandits in the woods and branches would just fall out of nowhere! You think that was just luck?"
He cut off as another hacking fit brought him down, and Gaius and Gwen lunged to catch him. He felt himself being pulled back up and then laid on the soft and scratchy blankets of the cot. Voices murmured around him, sounding like a debate, but Merlin was hazing in and out again.
"Merlin…" Lancelot said, aura wracked with sadness and regret.
"What if he's telling the truth?" Gwen asked loudly.
"That he's a sorcerer? That's a crime!"
"This is Merlin we're talking about."
"Look," Gwaine put in, "I'm no sympathizer to magic, but Gwen's right. Merlin doesn't have an evil bone in his body."
"It's the law," Leon said.
"Arthur is king and can change the law," Elyan replied.
"Have you forgotten how much magic has hurt this kingdom?" Arthur exclaimed. "Hurt all of us?"
"And apparently it's done a lot of saving it too."
"He's dying," Percival's even voice interrupted the tension, and that stopped the argument for several moments.
"Is this thing about Lancelot true?" Arthur asked tautly.
"Yes," Gaius said regretfully. "The man who returned to us was not Lancelot, but a shade that Morgana used dark magic to resurrect. Merlin knew the truth and was trying to discern what her plan was and stop it, but by the time he figured it out, it was too late."
"He loved you both," Merlin mumbled. "He would never…it wasn't even him, and it still eats him up inside, every day. I can feel it." He coughed weakly, a horrible, wet sound that rattled in his chest.
"The body cannot hold two souls," Gaius went on. "That is why Merlin is deteriorating like this."
"Can we get it out?" Gwaine asked.
"No!" Merlin exclaimed, flapping an arm around wildly. "I told you, I won't condemn him. And I would rather die this way, with him. My life is over now that you all know the truth. And it doesn't matter anyway. Camelot is safe; Arthur and Gwen are ruling happily. My purpose is complete. I'm at peace with this ending."
"No," Gwen said sharply. "I refuse to accept that. Merlin, I will not lose you too."
He gaped at her. "You would have me banish Lancelot to eternal torment?"
She faltered, then turned to Gaius. "There must be some other alternative."
"Can we move Lancelot's soul to another person?" Percival spoke up.
That earned him several incredulous stares.
"Merlin was fine for a while, wasn't he?" Percival went on. "I will take Lancelot so he can recover."
"We cannot toss Lancelot's soul back and forth like a game of keep away," Leon exclaimed.
"Why not?" Elyan put in. He looked nervous but nevertheless bravely said, "I'll take a turn."
"This is not a solution," Gaius said sternly.
"But it's a temporary one," Percival insisted.
"Tell them to stop. I will not bring harm to anyone else."
"Shut up."
Everyone stopped talking abruptly, and Merlin realized he'd responded aloud again.
"Lancelot is being self-sacrificing," he muttered. "Again. He doesn't want to endanger anyone else."
"I agree with him," Gaius said. "We will do what we have to in order to save you, Merlin."
"Save me for what, the pyre?" he retorted. He shot Arthur another pained look. "Isn't that the decision that's most relevant right now?"
Everyone's eyes turned to him, and he stared back incredulously.
"Arthur…" Gwen said gently.
His expression twisted. "What am I supposed to think?"
She went over and placed a hand over his heart. "Think with the wisdom and mercy I know you possess," she said. "And not with the voice that sounds like Uther."
Arthur's mouth pressed into a thin line. After several tense moments, he finally nodded and turned to Gaius. "Do what you can to save them both."
"There is nothing to be done," Gaius persisted. "Lancelot is already dead. There is no bringing him back."
There was a pained silence at that.
Arthur turned to Merlin next. "Merlin, you need to let him go."
He shook his head staunchly.
"That's an order."
"Don't you know by now I'm not good at following orders?"
"This is not amusing," Arthur snapped.
Merlin's expression turned serious. "No, it's not. But you all can't feel what I feel. I've carried Lancelot with me for weeks; I know what he went through, what's in store for him. I will not let him go."
He turned his inner voice to his best friend and repeated,
"I will not let you go."
He felt a wave of Lancelot's grief at that, but also the immense knowledge that he was beloved, and what that meant to him. Merlin had no regrets.
They were all at an impasse. Merlin would not banish Lancelot, and none of them could do it for him.
He didn't even try to get out of bed after that; the physical toll had left him wasted and weak, and Gaius's tonics didn't help any.
Gwen sat by his side. "I don't think Lancelot wants you to do this to yourself."
Merlin snorted. "He doesn't, but Lancelot doesn't always know what's good for him."
"Will you tell her I'm sorry?" Lancelot quietly asked.
Merlin sighed and rolled his head toward Gwen. "He says he's sorry, even though I've told him multiple times it wasn't his fault."
Gwen straightened in surprise. "Can- can he hear me?"
Merlin nodded.
Her throat bobbed. "I don't blame you, Lancelot," she said. "And I'm so sorry I didn't see something was wrong, that it wasn't truly you." She took Merlin's hand in hers, but he suspected she was imagining it was Lancelot's hand she was holding.
Merlin fell asleep, and the next time he was aware, Arthur was sitting by the cot.
"Have you changed your mind about sparing my life?" he murmured.
Arthur's eyes were hard in the glimmer of candlelight. "You lied to me all these years."
"How could I tell you the truth? My very existence is a crime punishable by death. I didn't ask for magic, you know. I was born with it."
"Then why did you come to Camelot, of all places?"
"I had nowhere else to go. But I don't regret it," he added.
Lancelot was conspicuously quiet and small with Arthur sitting so close.
"Arthur." Merlin's chest hitched with a pained breath. "Please- remember Lancelot as he was—a true and loyal friend who gave his life to close the Veil. The person you saw after that wasn't him. Don't- don't allow his memory to be tainted by Morgana." He coughed.
"Be quiet, Merlin," Arthur ordered, but his tone was gentle. He then nodded contemplatively. "I am glad to learn the truth about Lancelot. You are right; he doesn't deserve what happened to him."
Merlin closed his eyes in relief.
"I don't want you to die, Merlin."
"We don't always get what we want," he murmured before drifting away again.
A soft voice poked at the edges of his consciousness. At first he thought it was Lancelot, but it was a woman's.
"Merlin. Merlin."
He squinted and looked around the room but didn't see anyone. The bowl of water by the cot rippled.
"Merlin."
He rolled over and saw Freya's reflection shimmering in the water. "Freya?" His heart fluttered. "Have you come to take me?"
"No, Merlin. I'm here to save you. Bring Lancelot to the lake. I will take him."
His brows furrowed. "Take him…where?"
"To Avalon. He will be able to rest in peace, Merlin, you have my word."
Her image vanished, and Merlin straightened. "Hello? Gaius!" he called but his voice came out croaked.
The door opened and Gaius, Percival, and Gwaine hurried in from just outside.
"I have to get to the Lake of Avalon," he told them.
"You need to lie back down," Gaius urged.
"No! I know how to send Lancelot somewhere safe, but it has to be at the lake."
His friends shared dubious looks at that but they quickly got into action, getting Merlin up and dressed. Gwaine and Gaius then helped him hobble out. Percival had disappeared somewhere, but then he was there in the courtyard with the other knights, Arthur, and even Gwen, all of them dressed and sitting atop saddled horses. Merlin blinked in confusion.
"What're you doing?" he slurred.
"Coming with you, you idiot," Arthur said, but there was a note of fondness in the insult.
They got him up on Gwaine's horse, with Gwaine climbing up behind him and holding tight as they set off.
"What's your plan?" Arthur asked.
"I know someone I can entrust Lancelot's soul to," Merlin replied vaguely.
"Why didn't you do this before?" Gwaine huffed.
"I didn't know it was possible until just now." A sharp pang speared his side and he doubled over with a gasp. "I know I brought this on myself, but hurry."
Gwaine adjusted his arm more securely around Merlin's waist as he kicked his horse into a canter. By the time they reached the lake, Merlin could barely keep his eyes open and he was freezing. Gwaine eased him down into Percival's and Elyan's waiting arms, and they half carried, half dragged him to the shore. The water began to bubble and churn, and a few moments later, Freya emerged. Everyone exchanged uncertain looks.
Freya glided through the water toward the shore, and Merlin pulled away from Percival and Elyan to stumble into the shallows.
Freya gazed at him sadly. "Merlin. You've suffered so much."
His throat tightened. "Can you really take Lancelot with you?"
She smiled. "Yes, I promise."
She took both of his hands, and Merlin closed his eyes as he focused on releasing the soul he'd kept safe for this long. The aura swirled inside him, moving up and out. He opened his eyes as a bright eddy of dazzling mist soared up. Freya let go of Merlin and stretched out to grasp it, and then the aura was floating back down where it formed into Lancelot. He was almost translucent, but Freya was holding his hand and seemed to be keeping him in place. Lancelot looked from her to Merlin.
"Are you all right?" he asked worriedly.
Merlin nodded. He still felt tired, but the pain was already receding. "This is Freya, by the way."
Lancelot arched his brows at her and smiled. "I've heard a lot about you."
She smiled back. "You are welcome to stay in Avalon with me, Sir Lancelot."
He nodded appreciatively.
"I'm sorry I couldn't do more," Merlin told him.
Lancelot shot him an incredulous look. "You did everything for me, Merlin. You saved me. Thank you."
Merlin felt himself choking up. "I'll miss you."
Lancelot's smile turned sad. "I will miss you too, Merlin. But you're not alone anymore." He nodded to the audience behind him.
"Lancelot," Gwen called as she came forward, her hands clasped together nervously for a moment before she recovered her regal air. "Thank you. For your service as a knight of Camelot, and for your great sacrifice to keep us all safe."
He bowed his head toward her. "Your Majesty."
Arthur stepped up beside his queen. "I will make sure your name and deeds are never forgotten. You are the most noble man I've ever had the honor of calling friend."
Lancelot looked taken aback, but he managed a nod in return.
The rest of them bid their goodbyes, and then Freya, with her hand still in Lancelot's, turned to return to the lake.
"Freya," Merlin called. "Will I see you two again?"
She smiled. "As long as magic lives."
With that, she walked Lancelot to the middle of the lake where they sank into its depths and disappeared. Merlin's heart gave a pang at the loss, but at least he could find solace that they were both safe and at rest.
He turned to walk out of the shallows, and his friends crowded around him.
"Are you sure you're all better now?" Gwen asked in concern.
"I am. Thank you for helping me."
"Apparently we owe you a great deal," Arthur said.
Merlin gave him a cheeky grin. "I'll settle for a day off now and then."
Arthur cuffed him on the back of his head, and Merlin grinned. It looked like things truly would be okay between them, now that Merlin's secret was out.
They started back to Camelot, and Merlin paused to glance back at the tranquil lake.
"Be at peace," he whispered.