Thanks to CajunBear73, MrDrP, Pharaoh Rutin Tutin, conan98002, Jasminevr, Magnatron, Stand Alone Battle A.I, Akinyi, Randy C, Molloy, and RonHeartbreaker for reading and reviewing. This is just a half episode (ala Sick Day/The Truth Hurts). I may someday write a companion piece. Maybe.
Kim, Ron, and all other characters within are owned by the Walt Disney Corporation.
Episode 3: Jail House Blues
by Ultimate Naco Topping
The billowing dark folds of a late afternoon thunderstorm loomed across the horizon of the prairie. Rows of corn and wheat stretched on as far as the eye could see. The gentle landscape was only shattered by gray walls of concrete topped with jagged barbs rising from the soil. A bolt flashed across the sky and the delayed roll of thunder soon followed. As the cloud loomed heavy and dark, a gentle rain began to fall and the lights outside the prison, slowly flickered on.
--
The patter of rain vibrated the long block of prison cells. Barred shadows stretched out across the floor. A few drops of water began to pool in places as the seeping rainwater forced its way in. A sad tune wafted off of a harmonica and seemed to match itself to the tapping of the storm.
"Can't seem to find," wailed a tortured gruff voice. "My peace of mind." Another slide of the harmonica interjected before the voice continued, "You're leaving me. It's plain to see."
As the harmonica resumed its sad tortured tale, a pair of hands in metal gloves clinched a pillow over a large mound of black hair. The hands pushed harder and harder as the harmonica riff emanated louder and louder. Reaching its apex, it suddenly ceased. The hands released the head it held hostage from their grip.
"My plan unfurled, to rule the world," the voice interrupted.
A black blur of hair and fury tore towards the bars as the metal gloves clanged against them.
"SHUT UP, ALREADY!" Shego yelled across the cellblock.
In the cell across from her, a shocked and wide-eyed Dr. Drakken in an orange jumpsuit stared back at her. As her lips remained curled baring her teeth and her huffing continued, Drakken's shock turned to annoyance.
"Well, someone has trouble appreciating the blues," Drakken said snobbishly.
"Someone?" Shego responded. "Anyone else having trouble appreciating the 'blues'?"
A chorus of 'boos' and 'you stinks' rained down towards Dr. Drakken who took it all with a sneer. Shego grinned with satisfaction. As the taunts died down, a decidedly Jersey accent crooned out, "Seriously, could use a guitar solo. Like ba-nah-wa-wa-wa-waaaaa."
Shego stuck her hand through the bars and aimed at the direction of the last remark only to remember the glove's restraint on her powers. She growled as she sat back onto her bed. Drakken leaned his head against the bars of his cell and sighed.
"They don't tell you about this part when you sign up to take over the world," Drakken sighed. "Evil clones replacing world leaders, monuments to myself that shoot laser beams, mutant fish sticks. I almost had it all if it weren't for Kim Possible."
Shego stayed firm on her bed knees planted into her chin.
"Raise your hand if you almost took over the world but were stopped by Possible," Shego said dryly. Along the length of the cellblock, hands shot out from behind the bars that held their owners' captive in every cell but one.
"Or Stoppable," Shego added as a furry monkey-shaped hand reluctantly poked through the remaining cell.
"But I was so close last time. I could have…" Drakken moaned but was cutoff.
"Aye, not again with your belly aching," Duff Killigan cried stepping out of the shadows of his cell. "We've all been wee close to world domination."
"Killigan?" Drakken asked shocked. "When did you get here?" Killigan rolled his angering eyes.
"I was in here before you and the lass got here," he responded. "Do ye know how daft and boring you sound?"
"Well, I'm sure your story is much more interesting considering it ends the same way," Drakken snorted.
"Well, if you must know…" Killigan began.
Shego remained in her bed as she winced and shut her eyes. Should have let old blue boy keep singing the 'blues.' She scolded herself. Shego's metal covered hand reached for her pillow as she began to pray for a transfer to a different part of the prison.
--
Waves crashed into the rocks of the emerald covered island. Strips of green stretched around a rustic castle. It would have made a picture perfect postcard if it were not for a giant bagpipe shaped cannon on the roof of the castle shooting spores.
--
Killigan roared with laughter as he stood on a platform below the hole in the roof where his bagpipe cannon protruded. Kim and Ron stood ready on the floor below.
"Once the world breathes in my mind control spores, they won't have any choice but to play golf all day," Duff cackled. Ron broke his battle stance and pondered.
"Play golf all day?" Ron said inquisitively. "That doesn't sound half bad, huh, K.P.?"
"Aye, and everyone will dress in kilts and eat me favorite haggis!" Killigan continued. Ron's hopefulness faded.
"Okay, what's the plan, Kim?" Ron asked disappointed.
Before Kim could respond, the clang of metal feet stomping the ground echoed through the room. Kim and Ron turned to find a hulking robotic knight with sword drawn menacing towards them. Kim scanned the room quickly as she formulated her attack.
"Ron, get to the controls. I'll deal with this," Kim ordered as she thrust herself towards the knight. The knight's sword growled through the air as it swung at Kim. She leaped as high as she could; the blade cutting right under her feet. Kim arched over the top of the knight and planted her hands on its shoulders and pushed herself back in the air before landing near the corner. Quickly, she grabbed a sword that was sheathed in a coat of arms on the wall.
Duff watched with a wide grin, as his robotic knight seemed to have Kim trapped in the corner. He leaned to watch the action but caught a figure creeping up the stairs from the corner of his eye. With a villainous sneer, Killigan reached behind him and grabbed his driver.
Kim swung her sword and met the knight's with a reverberating clang. The force of the impact almost shook the sword from her hand. Though heavy, Kim managed to move the steel quick enough to work the knight back and give her some fighting room. She glanced to see Ron make it to the top of the platform. As her eyes darted to Killigan, her stomach flopped seeing Duff in mid-swing with his trusty driver launching a golf ball at Ron.
"Ron! Look out!" Kim gasped blocking the knight's latest attack just in time. Ron had cleared the top step to see the ball land at his feet. He coiled and jumped just at the ball exploded sending smoke and pieces of debris everywhere. Kim's eyes panicked, as she couldn't see Ron clear of the danger. She growled as her brow furrowed and she drew her sword back. With a raged grunt, she launched herself at the knight and tried to fight her way to Ron.
"Oops, forgot to yell fore," Killigan said with an evil laugh. He turned to watch his knight battle Kim.
As the smoke cleared high above the floor, Ron dangled from a pair of cables attached to the cannon he had just been able to grab. He could see the catwalk below was blown apart. He began swinging his legs and built some momentum before slinging himself to a safe piece of platform. Killigan was now completely occupied with the battle below. Ron slowly crept up to the cannon's control lever.
Kim was pushing the robotic knight back with each attack furious and almost uncoordinated. Have to get to Ron, her mind swirled unaware that he was safe and about to complete his objective. Hurling another jab at the knight, she overextended and the knight blocked with his sword his free hand knocking Kim back towards the wall. Her sword broke free of her hand as she hit the ground. Kim rolled and extended her right arm to grab it but it was her hand that was grabbed instead. The knight yanked her to her feet and pinned her arm against the wall.
"Finish the wee lassie!" Killigan growled as Ron's hand took the canon's control lever. Ron jerked his head to see Kim in a terrible trouble. Kim squirmed as the knight raised its sword. She groped along the wall with her left hand and clasped onto the other sword in the coat of arms. She pulled it just in the nick of time to block the knight's attack. With a sigh of relief, Ron pushed the lever from 'on' to 'off' and the cannon sputtered to a stop.
"Aye, it appears the lass is ambidextrous," Killigan commented.
"Amba…what?" Ron asked confused. "That doesn't sound like a word."
"It is so a word, laddie," Killigan said annoyed and turning slightly towards Ron. "It's the ability to use both hands equally." Killigan looked back at the battle before the realization struck him.
"How'd you…?" Duff cried. "Oh, never mind." Duff grabbed his driver and lurched toward Ron who was still pondering the new information.
"Why would you need a word for that?" Ron asked before Killigan flung his club over Ron's head and pulled him into a bear hug. As Killigan pulled back to put the squeeze on, Ron's legs lifted in the air and connected with the control lever knocking it from 'off' to 'reverse.'
Rufus leapt from Ron's pocket and onto Duff's shoulder as Ron struggled against Killigan's powerful frame. The naked mole rat grabbed the fabric of Duff's kilt and chomped letting the Scotsman's kilt fall to the floor.
Feeling the breeze from his now barely clothed bottom half, Duff released his grip on Ron and looking down, blushed crimson. Kim blocked a close thrust from the knight and using the handle of her sword, butted it into the knight's head. With her foe disoriented, Kim swung her blade with everything she had and buried it into the robot's torso. Sparks flew as the malfunctioning knight stumbled. Kim jumped and planted her feet into the knight's chest pushing it back while pushing her a safe distance away as it dropped to the ground and erupted in flames.
Kim turned back to the platform and was relieved to see Ron a few feet from Killigan doubled over laughing. Her relief was short lived as she caught sight of what Ron was laughing about--Killigan in his tighty-whities.
"Is it that funny when it happens to me?" Ron asked gasping for air and holding his gut.
Ron put his hand on the railing and measured his jump to the floor below and flung himself over. As he cleared the rail, the hook on his mission belt grabbed the rail and Ron flipped. As he crashed to the floor in a pile, his pants slowly floated down and landed on the floor. Kim burst into laughter as Ron pulled himself up.
"Yes it is!" Kim exclaimed wiping a tear from her eye.
As both Killigan and Ron struggled to get their dysfunctional clothing back into place, the bag attached to the cannon had begun to plug the hole in the roof and bulged further into the room. Killigan tied his kilt back together and turned to Kim and Ron.
"Grrrah! Back to business," Killigan fumed as he grabbed two golf balls from his pouch. But before he could swing away, his ever-expanding bagpipe cannon knocked him down pinning him to the floor and began to spill down filling the room faster and faster.
As Ron finished heaving his pants up to their proper place, Kim grabbed his arm and jerked him to the nearest door just as the bagpipe filled the entire room.
--
Three small figures ran out the front gate of the castle. Out of each window and doorway, the stretched bag began to pop out. The cannon end of the bagpipe continued to furiously suck in air and mind control spores.
As Kim and Ron made their way across the castle's drawbridge, they could here the fabric of the bagpipe begin to tear ready to burst. As Ron scooped Rufus into his hands, Kim nudged him over the edge of the bridge to the moat bellow as she dove after him. As the three hit the water, the crack of the bag reaching its limit shuddered the bricks of the castle in a massive rush of air and debris.
--
"Mind control spore?" Drakken said with a raised eyebrow. "Wish I thought of that."
"Oh, please," Shego scoffed. "Mind control schemes are so overdone."
"I agree," shot a frail voice from another cell. Shego, Drakken, and Killigan all turned to see who had said it.
"And you are?" Shego asked less than interested.
"Frugal Lucre," said the thin and weak looking man.
"Frugal Lucre? Cheapest 'super villain' in the world, Frugal Lucre?" Shego asked mockingly.
"In the flesh," he replied confidently. "Would have taken over the world at a fraction of the cost one of you fools spend."
"So what stopped you? Wasn't double coupon day at Smarty Mart?" Shego teased.
"No, Kim Possible got in my way," Lucre stated with a sneer.
"What?!" Shego asked shocked. "You put something together big enough that Possible had to step in? Oh! Now I gotta know. Tell me. How'd she stick it to you?"
--
"…and by the time that everyone in the world realizes that my program has been shaving a penny off of every paycheck, my fortune will be complete!" Frugal Lucre stated ringing his hands and beginning an evil chuckle.
Kim and Ron sat behind bars in a cell deep in Lucre's lair. Kim tightened her grip on the bars that held them in as she stared back at Lucre. Ron sat on the floor surrounded by piles of newspapers and boxes of plastic bottles and aluminum cans. He thumbed through a couple of papers and turned to look at Lucre.
"So, if you're trying to amass a giant fortune, what's with all the newspapers and other trash?" Ron inquired.
"If you must know," Lucre stated matter-of-factly. "That trash when recycled funds my operations and those newspapers make for an excellent evil lair construction material."
"You mean this entire lair is made out of newspaper?" Kim asked in disbelief.
"Correct, the latest in paper mache technology. Now if you'll excuse me I have an ultimatum to deliver," Lucre said as he turned and left the room. Kim went into thought formulating a plan. Ron turned his attention to another stack of papers that caught his eye.
"Mutant bat boy fights alien in Chinese cave!" Ron said astonished as he began to pick up the paper with the faked photograph on the front. Kim grabbed the paper from his hands and headed for the sink.
"Hey! I was reading that," Ron objected. Kim ignored him as she tightened the paper into a cone and began to fill it with water. Ron looked back down at the stack of papers.
"Ooo, a crossword," Ron said as he picked up the paper and began to look over the clues. Kim passed him and stood in front of the bars. She poured the water out of the makeshift newspaper pitcher down one of the bars and waited.
"Okay, looking for a kind of salmon," Ron said. "Four letters."
Kim had backed up from the bars, but sprinted forward and kicked at the weakened bar. It gave way with a slosh.
"Let's go, Ron," Kim said calmly.
"Lesko? Never heard of it," Ron said as he tried to pencil it into the puzzle.
"No, Ron, let's go," Kim said impatiently. Ron looked up to see Kim on the other side of the bars.
"Oh!" Ron said with an embarrassed laugh. "Right."
Ron stood and followed Kim discreetly erasing his incorrect answer from the puzzle.
--
"Wait a minute! Wait a minute!" Shego interjected mouth gaping. "You built your lair out of paper mache?!" When Lucre didn't respond, Shego howled with laughter and rolled on the floor. The other villains each began to laugh a bit as Lucre sneered.
"You," Shego said as she pointed across the cellblock to Drakken. "You are no longer the lamest villain I've ever met." Shego continued her fit of hysteria. Drakken growled and matched Lucre's scowl.
"You know, it's not like spending a lot of money has worked out for anyone," Lucre retorted. "Look at old Senior over there."
Hanging half out of the shadows of his cell, Señior Senior, Sr. leaned forward and sighed.
"It is true," Senior said sadly. "My vast fortunes have not brought me victory over Kim Possible and control of the world."
"I don't get it," Shego said still half-giggling. "With what you could put together, you should have sent Princess and the dork packing a long time ago."
"Well, it's not that simple," Senior replied gathering his thoughts.
--
The main living room of the Senior's lair was dark save for a few patches of moonlight creeping in the windows. Another beam of light suddenly shot into the room through a newly made hole in the roof. Two ropes dropped down to the ground and Kim quickly slid to the bottom. Ron was slowly lowering down his rope as Rufus did all the work on the pulley. With a light shining from his helmet, Ron was occupied by the crossword puzzle.
No sooner had Kim hit the ground than did the lights flip on.
"Ah, Kim Possible," Señior Senior, Sr. said dignified; his son Jr. by his side. "We meet once again in the epic struggle of good and evil."
"Give it up, Senior," Kim ordered.
"But if I give up, I can't show you the improvements to my lair," Senior crooned revealing a remote which he quickly pressed.
"Bad guy hiding place… Four letters… Lair! How ironic," Ron shouted half way down the rope as he began to pencil in his answer.
From the depths of the lagoon, a large set of tentacles splashed out of the water, one of them grabbing Kim and hoisting her into the air.
"I have upgraded from the piranhas and the koi," Senior stated proudly. "Mutant squid. And I have a new voice activated self-destruct sequence."
Kim, in the clutches of the mutant squid flashed a look of scorn towards Ron who had finally reached the bottom of his rope.
"Ron! Have you been making 'suggestions' to the Seniors again?" Kim asked angrily.
"I may have said some things in passing, Kim," Ron defended. "I'm only human… Oh! Human." Ron scribbled in another answer as Kim rolled her eyes. Under the tightening grip of the squid, Kim got to her laser lipstick.
"Why do you villains always put a self-destruct mechanism in your lair?" Kim asked as she curled the laser around firing a shot into the squid's skin. With a yelp, it released her to the ground and dove back into the water.
"Because, we can leave our foes in peril should we need to abandon a lair," Senior responded holding up his copy of So You Want to Rule the World.
Kim stood up and gagged at the mutant squid slime she found herself covered in.
"Okay, whatever, enough fooling around," Kim said annoyed. "Surrender now, Señior Senior Sr. and I'll tell the authorities what a nice cooperative super villain you've been."
"Oh, I don't think so, Miss Possible," Senior snorted. "I haven't even revealed my evil plan yet."
"Ability to use both hands… Twelve letters," Ron thought out loud.
"Ron," Kim shouted as she turned to him. "Head in the game!" As she turned back to Señior Senior, Sr., she was taken back by the look of panic on his face as he dropped the book and remote and clutched his cane.
What could make him suddenly become so terrified? Kim wondered. Turning to see if the squid had returned, she was only more perplexed.
"Amba… Amber… What was that word Killigan made up?" Ron continued as it suddenly hit Kim.
"Ambidextrous!" she declared with a grin.
"K.P., you've got to give me a chance to get it," Ron stated indignant. In the corner, a small computer kicked on and began to hum.
"Self-destruct code verified. Thank you," the computer said pleasantly. Red flashing lights filled the room as an alarm began to wail.
Señior Senior, Sr. had begun to backpedal as his son tapped his shoulder.
"Father, do you think I have time to get those designer boots out of my room?" Jr. asked as if they were just getting ready to go to the movies.
--
The pounding of the storm had subsided. Only a few drops of water leaked through the prison. A faint flash of lighting lit the cellblock where all the various criminals and super villains were shut away either sleeping or plotting. A lone prison guard made his rounds flashlight in hand taking a head count. Shining it briefly in cell after cell, he pointed it into the only cell containing a woman in the entire prison.
By force of habit, he continued on before realizing that he had not seen a body in the bed. He frantically shined his light in every corner of the cell seeing nothing. He fumbled with his keys and unlocked the cell taking a couple steps in. He hyperventilated in disbelief; his hand scratched his head. No sooner than had he entered the cell than did a green glow filled the small confines from behind him.
An evil male voice menaced from behind the guard too terrified to turn around.
"If you don't mind, we'll be leaving now."