Dear April,

If you're reading this, I guess that means I wasn't able to talk myself out of it this time. For that, I am truly sorry. I'm not going to give you a long drawn out explanation about why I did it baby, because you deserve better than that and it doesn't matter anyway. I'm not there and nothing can excuse that, I've failed you in that regard and I'm sorry. But, I refuse to dwell on it. Instead, I'm going to tell you some things that you must know before another day passes.

First and foremost, I love you April. I know I didn't say it enough, hell, I don't know if I ever said it, but you need to know it's true. You've been the light in my world since you were born, and you're what's kept me going these last few weeks since we lost your mother. I wish I could say I'll always be there, but I can't. I could never bring myself to lie to you baby and make you think life was easier than it is. Life is hard, but you're strong and I know you'll survive. In fact, you'll do better than survive, you'll live. April, I want you to listen carefully, none of this is your fault. I don't want you to think for a moment that I did this because you simply weren't enough for me. Nothing could be further from the truth. The problem lies with me, I'm the one who's not strong enough to carry on anymore. You didn't do anything wrong, know that and know I love you. Those two things you must never forget April, promise me.

I wanted to say I'm sorry if I was distant, or ever seemed cold to you. Emotion hasn't been an easy thing for me for a long time, some wounds just never heal I suppose. But I wouldn't change any of the decisions I ever made, even and especially the ones that cost me dearly. I made each one knowing the risk I took and the possible outcome. I was protecting my country, answering the call of duty and I won't apologize for that. But I do apologize if the effects these decisions had on me ever caused you pain. That was never my intention, baby.

I have a picture of you on my desk. You're about eight years old. You were blowing bubbles in the front yard before you recruited your mother for a piggy-back ride, you know the one. Your hair is falling out of those meticulous braids your mother so loved to put you in and you have on that pink top and bare feet as always. You're both laughing. No matter what, that's how I'll always think of you April. Eight years old and happy in that carefree way only children can be.

Someday you'll grow up and you'll be a woman and you'll be damn good at it, just like you are at everything else. I hope you never stop laughing out loud when everyone else smiles quietly. I hope you always dance when you do the dishes, and sing along with the radio in the car. I hope you never stop doing your art because some dreams aren't meant to be forgotten, you're a very talented girl. Never stop rolling your eyes when you think no one's looking, and remember to say 'please' and 'thank you'. Do your homework, get enough sleep every night and never let anyone tell you that you are anything less than amazing, because that's what you are, April. You outshine the sun.

One more thing, someday you'll meet a boy and you'll think you're in love. Right now, the very prospect seems absurd I'm sure, and it makes me feel lightheaded just to think about, but I'm not naive and I know it will happen. So, this is how you'll know if he's the one…let your Uncle Seeley meet him. I'm serious about this. After he's recovered from the heart attack you'll give him by even mentioning boys (you know how he gets) ask him what he thinks of this boy. There is no better judge of people than your Uncle Seeley and I trust him implicitly. They say 'love is blind' for a reason baby, trust Seeley. He loves you almost as much as I do and he'll guide you in the right direction.

With this letter you should find a necklace. It's a locket April. I had it made special for your mother before I left to go overseas. She wanted to give it to you herself on your sixteenth birthday, but unfortunately, that isn't going to happen. On one side you'll find the only picture of your mother and I on our wedding day, the other side will hold the 50cent piece I gave you if you snap it into place. Hold these things close to your heart baby, and never forget how beautiful your mother was, and how she looked just like you.

I am truly sorry that you're reading this April and you have every right to hate me for writing all this down instead of telling you in person. But I hope you won't. Never forget all you are and all you come from.

All my love,

Major General Joseph Ross (Dad)

April read the letter through at least five times. The last two or three she actually made it through the whole thing without stopping to breathe through sobs or clear her eyes of hot, salty tears.

Hours passed and she turned out her light, but lay in bed wide-awake, staring at the night sky outside her window. She wondered if maybe her father was up there somewhere looking down at her, and she wondered why it took him so long to talk to her.

Round about two am she saw a faint light filter under the crack in her door and, not having anything better to do since sleep obviously wasn't going to happen, she slipped from her bed and padded over to the door to investigate.

The light was coming from the kitchen and the unmistakable shadow of Seeley Booth moved slowly across the wall.

Booth had slept fitfully for a few hours, then spent an hour wide-awake, staring at the ceiling, trying to get back to sleep. When that didn't work he got out of bed, carefully so as not to wake the woman sleeping beside him, and went to the kitchen with every intention of getting some warm milk, but for some reason that is not what found it's way into his hand.

"I've never heard of the 'cold beer at 3am' sleep remedy."

Booth almost choked on his swallow and bent forward in an attempt not to do so. With a cough, he looked over at April in the doorway.

"What are you doing awake?" He asked, trying to fool himself into thinking he hadn't been startled, or at the very least, hadn't been scared.

"Same question." April retorted, settling at the table casually. Booth raised his eyebrows but didn't respond. Instead he reached into the refrigerator and pulled out a squeeze bottle of kool-aid and set it in front of his young companion before taking a seat beside her.

"What, no warm milk?" Then, as an afterthought, she added, "Thank you."

Booth only nodded, immediately lost in thought and April soon followed suit. They had both long finished their respective drinks and been sitting in the dim kitchen for nearly half an hour before speaking again.

"Do you like Tommy?"

Booth glanced to his right, April stared up at him openly, her dark hair pushed behind her ears and showing pale face. The question seemed a bit out of left field so he took a moment to think.

"He's a good guy. Good for you, I mean. I guess so, why do you ask?"

A small smile flickered across her face, but April only shrugged. "Just wondering."

Booth frowned slightly, but decided not to pursue it and absently tapped a finger against his empty beer bottle. He really did need to talk to Cullen about these assignments, going from one life to another, trading identities like this, it wasn't something that was ever easy to do, but now he had a family to think about. Going undercover at the drop of a hat just couldn't be a part of the playbook anymore.

Again, April's voice startled him out of his thoughts.

"What?"

April hesitated and then asked her question again. "I said, do I roll my eyes when I think no one is looking. Have you ever noticed…?" She seemed almost nervous, shy about asking such a thing.

"Yes. All the time." A half grin and narrowed eyes confirmed his answer and a pleased smile took hold of April's lips.

"Good." She whispered.

Booth watched her squish the plastic bottle between her hands, staring off into space without really seeing, and he wondered what was going on in that complicated head of hers. He leaned forward, putting his elbows on the table and picked up a fake apple sitting in a bowl at his fingertips.

"Why all the questions?"

April looked over at him as if she'd forgotten his broad, strong frame was seated beside her, but he didn't turn to face her.

"The letter. Dad's letter." She cleared her throat and fidgeted in her chair, staring at the table and wishing it were just a little bit darker in the small dining room. Talking was easier in the dark. "He said that if I ever met a boy and I, um, I thought he was…well, anyway, I should let you meet him. He said he trusted your judge of people above all others, so I was just…wondering."

Booth 'hmm'ed and nodded, not wishing to push her harder than she could handle. "And the rolling your eyes, thing?"

"He said I should never stop doing that."

Identical sad smiles slid across their lips as they shared the quiet for a few more minutes.

"He said I outshine the sun." Her whisper paused Booth nervous movements. He stopped spinning the apple in his hands and he looked over, but April was studying her fingers. "That's poetic. For dad especially…he never said stuff like that."

"You always brought out the poet in him." Booth said quietly, causing April's deep green eyes to snap up to his and hold him in a penetrating gaze that suddenly turned vulnerable.

"You think?" She asked timidly.

"Definitely."

Again they shared a smile and returned to a comfortable silence, bodies sluggish with exhaustion while the wheels in their brains just kept turning overtime.

"I could never understand why you and he were friends." April said nonchalantly after they'd decided to move their early morning ponderings to the more comfortable seats on the couch.

"Why's that?"

April shrugged one shoulder and pulled at a loose string on her shirt. "I guess because you wear always so…funny and life-full. And Dad was always the opposite. Sort of regal and…uniform. Military. You just seemed like such opposites." Booth's arm draped across the back of the couch and he squeezed her shoulder, she smiled breifly at him before turning away.

"And now?"

She sighed. "And now, well, in his letter, I guess I saw some of the…fun in him that I always saw in you. And now, right now," She looked up into his face, "I see the shadows in your eyes that I always saw in his."

Booth frowned, he could see the question in her eyes, the one she wasn't asking and he took a deep breath. "April, your dad and I, we knew what we were getting into. The Army, the FBI for me later on, we knew exactly what we were doing, the risks and the consequences."

"Then why'd you do it?" April asked, her eyes growing moist and her voice suddenly quiet with desperation, "Why'd you join the army and the FBI if you knew how hard it would be? How much it would hurt?" Her eyes searched frantically for the answer in his, because in the end, that was what she blamed for losing her father. The pain that was just too much for him to take.

Booth sighed and swallowed hard, reluctantly preparing himself to answer.

"For you, April." He continued quickly, almost in a rush. "For Parker. You're dad and I grew up in a bad neighborhood in Philly. We saw things and did things…we wanted to make this a better, safer world. At first it was for us, then for our friends, but in the end it came down to you and, later, Parker. We did what we had to do April, to make this world a better place for you." He looked over and saw April's chin trembling as she fought for her rapidly disappearing control.

With a brave breath she nodded and looked down at her lap. "I see that. I can get that." She nodded, as if trying to convince him. "But…But I…just think that maybe…" Her voice grew tight and warm tears fell from her nose, onto her hands and she enclosed them in tight fists. "Maybe this world would have been a better place for me…if he were in it."

Booth nodded and reached for her, his own tears going unnoticed as he pulled her into his lap and cradled her small body against him.

"Me too, angel-face." He kissed her forehead, "Me too."

---

Part of me hates him for leaving the way he did, just giving up that way. Part of me can't stand the fact that he thought it would be okay to write me a letter and tell me all the things I needed to hear from him. Part of me wants can't believe he sighned his official name and added 'Dad' in parenthesis like it was an afterthought. But, only part of me.

The other part reads that last line, the 'all my love' part. And the part that almost dies with joy at seeing those words convinces all the other angry, hurt parts that it's all okay. Because my dad loved me and he did the best he could. That's all anyone can really ask of anybody, right? So I'll just sit here and enjoy the safety of Seeley's arms for a while, and I'll take solice in the fact that I still have him and I'll let me battle myself for awhile, because it's all going to be okay.

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One last chap. Oh, don't cry. If you cry, the I'll cry and we'll just be crying and cryng...