Author's Notes: Here you go! Those of you who wanted Soka's POV, here you are. I really tried hard to get inside his head, but I honestly don't think I like this chapter right now. The sad part is that I had 3 different versions of this chapter and this is the one I decided to go with. But I had to put myself in the mind of someone I don't normally relate to in the show and think about how he would react to everything, so it was difficult to write. But I hope I did him some justice.

Anyway, I'm thinking this is going to be a three part thing. So here's number two! Part three probably will be written differently than these last two. Oh! And here's an important thing to note here. The first chapter has been edited a little. I added in some little stuff and fixed a few typos. The main change I want you to notice in the quote at the top, just above the title. Thanks so much! Please tell me how I did with chapter two, yes? I want to know if I made the right choice. Reviews make me happy.

Disclaimer: Still don't own the show/manga. Surprised, aren't you?

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"If we deny love that is given to us, if we refuse to give love because we fear pain or loss or uncertainty, then our lives will be empty, our loss greater. So just knowI love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you" – Anonymous

Confusion of the Mind, Uncertainty of the Heart

Four days. I haven't talked to him in four days.

I've been ignoring him (or perhaps we've been avoiding each other), but he's been trying hard to act like nothing happened. Though it's still different. I'm a coward. I wish I was braver. …But I just don't know how to approach him now. Part of me doesn't want to see you. Part of me wants to hit you for what you did. And yet…another part of me is wishing I hadn't pushed you away, that you pulled me deeper into your embrace and deeper into that…

Blush. Dammit! Such an obnoxious, uncontrollable human gesture, blushing is. Was it really necessary to give that characteristic back to us in the afterlife? Surely that could have been a plus in death to not have it, seeing as how it is such a nuisance while living.

Sigh. I'm embarrassed. I don't know how to act or how I should be acting after what happened. It's bad enough having to sort through other people's emotions, especially his; it's just far too confusing to add my own in as well. I don't know how to feel. This is so foreign to me. If I've never felt these emotions before, how can I fairly decipher them?

I don't think I'm ready for this. But his disappointment when I yelled at him…it was like running into a brick wall. I couldn't breath; I had to get away. I didn't know what to do, so I ran. God, I'm such a child. I knew Tsuzuki had strong feelings for me, but I didn't really know what…what they were necessarily. I suppose I mistook them for only friendship, denying what I was scared to admit. Because I can't seem to understand him, even when I can read his emotions. And even though I felt those feelings, he never before acted out on them.

Why would he…who would love me? I can't wrap my mind around the concept of love. I would never love me; I don't love myself. Why does he care so much? I'm far too much trouble, and he could do so much better. I feel how the others look at him, so why does he ignore them and not me? It just doesn't make sense, but I know his feelings are true because I felt how his heart skipped when I…Blush (Damn this human reaction!) …When I…kissed him back. Just for that second. His eagerness scared me though, and I felt how his entire body seemed to shut down for a moment, numb at my reaction when I pushed him away. I hate myself for hurting him like that.

I've seen him a few times in the last couple days, and each time he waves at me while wearing that cheerful grin of his. But what hurts is the guilt I can feel plaguing his mind and constraining his heart. I hate it when he hides behind that smile. How can Tsuzuki just smile if he feels so terrible about what happened? It's so like him to hide everything inside; he's as much a coward as I am. He's so scared to let people worry over him. He doesn't feel worthy of their concern, but he's wrong, so very wrong.

Meeting him changed my life, and the way I view life and the people in it. No one ever looked at me without any trace of judgment in their eyes like he did and still continues to do. He accepts me. Feeling any kind of acceptance is something rare in my life, and he does so easily, acting as if I hold no imperfections. It's a naïve way of thinking honestly. It's childish to hold someone, especially someone like me who is more than damaged, up on a pedestal, but it's his way to see only the good in people, looking past the bad as if it holds no importance. He is very nearly a ridiculously good person, and I hate that he cannot see that for himself.

Slowly, I make my way across the lawn toward the library. That's one place I can go that's quiet so I can think without too much worry of being bothered. I don't have to deal with as many feelings from others that way. And normally, it takes him a while to find me in here. But, it's not that I don't want to see him. I just don't know what to say.

I slam my book shut with more force than I meant to. I can't even read I'm so distracted. My mind just can't let go of that feeling. The warm feeling of his lips on my own… I touch my lips lightly before quickly pulling my hand away. It was such a strange experience, and Tsuzuki has always been a bit selfish in some ways, like when he summoned the Flame of the Serpent in Kyoto. Though…I was selfish as well for disrespecting his wishes like that. But I refused to let him die. I...didn't want to be left alone. If he existed only for me, it was enough. But his eyes then…they were a void of sorrow. I have never seen such sadness before. Tsuzuki had given up completely, his terrible guilt complex finally eating away at him. I never want to see that degree of pain and grief again.

But I pushed him away; therefore, I was the lone cause of the regret in his eyes once again. Dammit. Tsuzuki…why do you have to make things so complicated? My defenses are so well structured, so unwavering, and you've already begun trying to tear them down unknowingly. I'm not even sure I would be able to survive the exposure. You're my partner, Tsuzuki. You helped me open up and learn to trust again, but I don't know if I love you because I'm not sure if I'm even capable of the sentiment. I don't understand you, or myself, or any of these feelings that seem to be suffocating me even as I try to sort them out. I'm drowning in self-doubt and paralyzing insecurities. How can I be sure of my feelings for you? Is it just a strong friendship or something more? I don't know what I want and it's so confusing.

After finally giving up on reading, I head back outside. A walk always helps me clear me head. Maybe I can find an answer. I know I'm hurting you, Tsuzuki. I know I am, and I feel absolutely terrible. It's unfair, and I'm sorry I can't give you an answer. I'm sorry I can't give you the one you want, at least not yet, if ever. I just fear I'm too young to understand. I am still just a kid. You're putting up with so much, and you're amazingly patient to have lasted this long. I know I have a bad attitude, and I'm more than a little messed up, but still, you're waiting for me. Why are you so determined? You shouldn't care about someone like me this-

Ah! A familiar pain suddenly shoots through my body, a burning, a throbbing, like something is awakening within. Like someone is stabbing every inch of my skin with needles. I fall to my knees, desperately holding myself as I feel the cursed lines skip across the skin of my body almost sadistically. Memories, ones I wish I could banish from every corner of my mind, flash before my eyes with lightening speed. I'm shaking, I can feel it. Then there's a pressure in my head…great apprehension…anxiety… "Hisoka? Hisoka!" Closer now…distress…I can't make out the others, because I feel myself slipping as everything goes black. Tsuzuki…